Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position

[Anonymous]

OP, what have you decided? How will you handle it?

I do think it's smart to call out the rat cousin to the other cousins, so they know why you can't come. But I get what you're saying about not wanting to screw them with the expense...tricky situation.

Are you sure it's too late to refund the money?

[Anonymous]

OP, on another note - will your mother go to the town thinking you're going to be there and ruin the rest of the cousins' vacation? I think something more than just not going should be done.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't make sense for you to skip the vacation. If she is going to go, she'll go anyway and upset the cousins then. You should go, she makes a scene, you say 'this is why I didn't want her to know, we are leaving.' It doesn't sound like she is a threat, she can't physically or emotionally abuse your kids if you don't leave them alone. The elderly woman is going to attack you and beat you up on the beach?

It sounds like she is a horrible person, don't let her take away your vacation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your mother is like mine who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. Nobody can understand what you are going through other than people who have seen it first hand. I'm sorry about your vacation but you shouldn't risk the damage that will be caused by seeing her. I know what this is like and its devastating. I'm sure its easy to ignore the people who are critical since you know that they have no remote clue about what you are dealing with . Again, I'm sorry.

+1. It is terrible to have to live thru the scenes with your kids and in front of other family. It's really awful the cousin is way in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I appreciate the sympathy about money but I'm not asking the other cousins to pay. Picture a thread like this:

"A group of 6 cousins and our kids are all going to the beach. One cousin has a very scary mother and we all agreed that we would not let the mother know this one cousin was coming. Anyway, one of us told the mother, and now the other cousin can't come. We all sympathize with her and are frankly irritated with the person who broke our promise.

The thing is, now the cousin with the crazy mom is saying she won't pay and the rest of us have to split her share. I am really sad for her but I don't think it's fair to me. The rest of us kept up our end of the bargain. We could go after the cousin whose fault it is but she is defensive about it and we don't want to go into our vacations with drama or resentment.

Should I have to pay for her mistake?"

I think a post like this would get a mix of answers here, mostly saying the the crazy mom cousin and the big mouthed cousin needed to work it out and it was not anyone else's problem.

Finding a replacement for our rooms is not an option. It's a family event and there are no other family members free. It would be weird to throw some unrelated friends into the mix.

With all I have going on, the money is the least of our problems. I don't want to add stress for people who did nothing wrong.

I am completely done with loudmouth cousin, though. This is unfortunate because our kids like each other.

Meantime I got up this morning and found my mom had broken through my child's internet blocks by creating a new gmail profile.

I've looked into restraining orders and we don't meet the standard in our jurisdiction. At this point she is bugging us but not threatening harm. The court clerk and a lawyer confirmed we wouldn't win.

So we're ducking out and getting additional IT help.

Thanks for the nice staycation suggestions but in all honesty, that is a sucky alternative. None of my child's friends are in town so it's just her and us instead of having several kids she likes living with her.

We live in a cramped and crappy rental without central air conditioning and were looking forward to sleeping without the sound of window units rattling. We can see a museum or park year round. Nothing special about that. The weather is sucky here. We wanted salt air. If this sounds whiny I don't care. Nobody in their right mind would be anything but disappointed.

I decided to ask a nice cousin to inform crazy mother my family is not going. That person also agreed to tell crazy mother we're going to Seattle instead. That's nice and far away. If she wants to stalk it'll cost her $500 or more. Nice cousin had no problem with this plan. She's sympathetic.

Sometimes you just lose out on things you want. Anyone who has survived a terrible family of origin knows this. You lose out on Thanksgiving and Christmas and there's nothing you can do (my spouse is an only child with deceased parents). You lose out on guidance from your elders. You lose out on help when you have a kid. You learn to suck it up because you don't need to lose valuable time to the drama.

People who post about honoring parents like this frankly scare me. You might not believe it but the unavoidable conclusion is you believe you can abuse your kids consequence free, or they can avuse your grandchildren consequence free. You're in the abuser camp unless you're irretrievably stupid. So good luck with that, and good luck to the people you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I appreciate the sympathy about money but I'm not asking the other cousins to pay. Picture a thread like this:

"A group of 6 cousins and our kids are all going to the beach. One cousin has a very scary mother and we all agreed that we would not let the mother know this one cousin was coming. Anyway, one of us told the mother, and now the other cousin can't come. We all sympathize with her and are frankly irritated with the person who broke our promise.

The thing is, now the cousin with the crazy mom is saying she won't pay and the rest of us have to split her share. I am really sad for her but I don't think it's fair to me. The rest of us kept up our end of the bargain. We could go after the cousin whose fault it is but she is defensive about it and we don't want to go into our vacations with drama or resentment.

Should I have to pay for her mistake?"

I think a post like this would get a mix of answers here, mostly saying the the crazy mom cousin and the big mouthed cousin needed to work it out and it was not anyone else's problem.

Finding a replacement for our rooms is not an option. It's a family event and there are no other family members free. It would be weird to throw some unrelated friends into the mix.

With all I have going on, the money is the least of our problems. I don't want to add stress for people who did nothing wrong.

I am completely done with loudmouth cousin, though. This is unfortunate because our kids like each other.

Meantime I got up this morning and found my mom had broken through my child's internet blocks by creating a new gmail profile.

I've looked into restraining orders and we don't meet the standard in our jurisdiction. At this point she is bugging us but not threatening harm. The court clerk and a lawyer confirmed we wouldn't win.

So we're ducking out and getting additional IT help.

Thanks for the nice staycation suggestions but in all honesty, that is a sucky alternative. None of my child's friends are in town so it's just her and us instead of having several kids she likes living with her.

We live in a cramped and crappy rental without central air conditioning and were looking forward to sleeping without the sound of window units rattling. We can see a museum or park year round. Nothing special about that. The weather is sucky here. We wanted salt air. If this sounds whiny I don't care. Nobody in their right mind would be anything but disappointed.

I decided to ask a nice cousin to inform crazy mother my family is not going. That person also agreed to tell crazy mother we're going to Seattle instead. That's nice and far away. If she wants to stalk it'll cost her $500 or more. Nice cousin had no problem with this plan. She's sympathetic.

Sometimes you just lose out on things you want. Anyone who has survived a terrible family of origin knows this. You lose out on Thanksgiving and Christmas and there's nothing you can do (my spouse is an only child with deceased parents). You lose out on guidance from your elders. You lose out on help when you have a kid. You learn to suck it up because you don't need to lose valuable time to the drama.

People who post about honoring parents like this frankly scare me. You might not believe it but the unavoidable conclusion is you believe you can abuse your kids consequence free, or they can avuse your grandchildren consequence free. You're in the abuser camp unless you're irretrievably stupid. So good luck with that, and good luck to the people you love.

OP, I just wanted to say that I thought this was a great post. You're right to be angry and a little bitter about this situation, but you sound like you've really got your head screwed on straight. Good luck to you and yours. (I do think it's worth asking cousins if they can find someone that wants to take the room -- it may be that someone's got a good friend/neighbor or the older kids have boyfriends or whatever that would want to come along, or a family member that thought they'd be busy at work but it turns out they can take the time off after all. We just had a family reunion and all the older kids brought their significant others, and everyone just blended in nicely.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I just wanted to say that I thought this was a great post. You're right to be angry and a little bitter about this situation, but you sound like you've really got your head screwed on straight. Good luck to you and yours. (I do think it's worth asking cousins if they can find someone that wants to take the room -- it may be that someone's got a good friend/neighbor or the older kids have boyfriends or whatever that would want to come along, or a family member that thought they'd be busy at work but it turns out they can take the time off after all. We just had a family reunion and all the older kids brought their significant others, and everyone just blended in nicely.)

I second this. Best of luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. You sound like such a nice person and you're trying so hard. You deserve to feel a little pissed and sorry for yourself. I'm so sorry.

Sometimes in life you have to make your own faux family of the people you CHOOSE to be your family. If I knew you in real life, I'd be happy to bring you into my faux family. They're the best and you sound pretty neat, too.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, you have really captured the frustration and disappointment of having a difficult parent. And you are so right--sometimes life just sucks. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I got the crazies going on in my family among the elderly too so your story makes sense. I am sorry and vote for relative who blabbed to pay your portion of expenses. You may even want to go for restraining order but be sure to tcall the police every time there is an odd situation or they will think you are the cuckoo one, not mom.. Keep a notebook and document everything. Document when you call the police and get their badge nos and names. You will need this to get the R.O

[Anonymous]

OP, whatever happened with you and your vacation? Did your mom show up to the vacation house? How did you leave it with the cousin?

[Anonymous]

Bump. So curious!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sympathetic with you and I believe your mother is awful and that you are doing the best you can in a bad situation.

That said, though, I think your demand of your cousin was unreasonable, given that you know your cousin is in touch with your mom and you know your mom is intrusive and unrelenting. You said you just didn't want your cousin to tell your mom you would be there, as if this is a simple or reasonable request. I am very sympathetic to you, but I don't think your request was either simple or reasonable. Imagine this scenario:

Cousin: me and the kids are going with X Y and Z cousins to Lewes beach next week!
Your mom: will my daughter and her family also be there?
Cousin: um......

Even if your cousin said nothing, your mom would know. Your cousin may very well be a jerk, but in family situations I think it is unwise to start asking other family members to keep secrets. It's sad but if you don't want a person to share something with someone else, you simply cannot share things with them. Given your family situation, it is sad, but I think going on a big family reunion and expecting that your mom would not know was not feasible, even if all cousins involved were acting in good faith.

I feel you are directing a ton of anger at your cousin, when in fact the anger should be aimed at the real problem--your mother. You don't seem to acknowledge at all that you put your one cousin in a very uncomfortable situations. You are deciding that certain cousins are "bad" and others are "good" in a very black/white all-or-nothing way (or at least it seems that way from your post). I know you are dealing with a tough situation but I think you want to be really careful about looking at the world in this way -- I say this as someone who grapples with this personally, because issues of control and black-and-white thinking go hand in hand with having experienced abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you explicitly and clearly told them the condition of your family joining was not telling your mom, then why aren't you clear with cousins that the consequence of giving your mom the information that you are not going and you aren't paying beyond the initial deposit. They can pay your portion or they can also forgo their deposits and find another place to go on the holiday. Bam. You have your sanity. The family deals with the natural consequences and you still have money for your needed vacation.

This exactly.

Sounds like you shouldn't be paying for your cousin's stupidity!

Sorry you are dealing with this, OP!