Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position

[Anonymous]

We've come within a hair's breath of filing for a restraining order against my estranged mother, who has stalked us in person and on line (and gone into our house when we weren't there, lying to our contractor to get his key while he was out -- not his fault).

We decided to go on vacation with all of my cousins. As a condition of our going, I told all of the cousins they could not let her know I would attend. It's a small beach town and even without our address, she could find us because there's only one main commercial strip and one public beach. Based on her past behavior, it is completely possible she'd drive to that town and troll the main drag and beach until she finds us. That would be unacceptable-- she's a psychopath and it's been a rough road for all of us.

Only one cousin even speaks to her. It's strained my relationship with her but I've made peace with the fact that she doesn't believe what I say - probably because my mother gives her gifts.

Anyway, vacation is two weeks away and cousin lets me know my mother knows the town and dates, but not the address. She does not apologize and actually gaslights me for telling her she is at fault for defying my wishes.

Now we simply can't go. This was the only vacation we could afford. It would be unfair to make the other cousins pay for our share. Now my kid won't have a vacation and neither will we.

There's nothing to be done, and I'll probably get slammed here by people who can't believe there are mothers who stalk or that this isn't somehow my fault.

At this point I just have to give up on having a family vacation with anyone and I've got to drop this cousin. If she can't honor an explicit promise not to tell my mother, she isn't someone I can safely have in my life.

[Anonymous]

That really, really sucks, OP. I'm sorry this is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
At this point I just have to give up on having a family vacation with anyone and I've got to drop this cousin. If she can't honor an explicit promise not to tell my mother, she isn't someone I can safely have in my life.

This sounds right. Sorry about your vacation (and your mother).

[Anonymous]

If you explicitly and clearly told them the condition of your family joining was not telling your mom, then why aren't you clear with cousins that the consequence of giving your mom the information that you are not going and you aren't paying beyond the initial deposit. They can pay your portion or they can also forgo their deposits and find another place to go on the holiday. Bam. You have your sanity. The family deals with the natural consequences and you still have money for your needed vacation.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that, OP.

[Anonymous]

Hope you can enjoy a nice staycation and do something fun with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
At this point I just have to give up on having a family vacation with anyone and I've got to drop this cousin. If she can't honor an explicit promise not to tell my mother, she isn't someone I can safely have in my life.

This sounds right. Sorry about your vacation (and your mother).

Agree. My mom isn't a problem in my family but some of my cousins and uncles are (outright criminals, child abusers, etc). Sadly, my mother's parents and one of other her siblings would not respect her wishes when it came to keeping those people out of our lives so my mom had to limit contact with her parents to keep us safe. Her parents have long since passed but the sibling that wouldn't accept my mom's boundaries still holds it against my mother and tries to guilt us kids into having a relationship with these people. So now the next generation is having to limit contact as well. Outside of facebook, contact is very very rare.

Some people think being a family means letting people do whatever the hell they want to you, even committing crimes, and you just have to take it. A lot of those people are also the ones that aren't/weren't bearing the brunt of the abusive and/or criminal behavior. In the case of my mother's sibling, it's the youngest sibling so she was the baby and never received any of the awful treatment my mother was subjected to and was trying to protect us from. In your case, it's a cousin that never had the behavior turned on them so they think you should just take it in the name of "family."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you explicitly and clearly told them the condition of your family joining was not telling your mom, then why aren't you clear with cousins that the consequence of giving your mom the information that you are not going and you aren't paying beyond the initial deposit. They can pay your portion or they can also forgo their deposits and find another place to go on the holiday. Bam. You have your sanity. The family deals with the natural consequences and you still have money for your needed vacation.

You can't make the other cousins pay for one cousin's mistake, but I would definitely try to get the cousin at fault to pay for her mistake. She probably won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you explicitly and clearly told them the condition of your family joining was not telling your mom, then why aren't you clear with cousins that the consequence of giving your mom the information that you are not going and you aren't paying beyond the initial deposit. They can pay your portion or they can also forgo their deposits and find another place to go on the holiday. Bam. You have your sanity. The family deals with the natural consequences and you still have money for your needed vacation.

Because she doesn't want to punish the others for the jackassery of one person.

OP, that really sucks. I'm sorry your cousin doesn't respect your wishes. What has your mother done in the past and what are you afraid she might do? Have you shown your cousin proof of what your mother has done? Regardless, why did she have to let your mother know the information? I hope you can piece together some other vacation for your family. Maybe your nice cousins can find friends to take your spot so you can get your money back.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I would really feel like making the cousin who told, pay for your portion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you explicitly and clearly told them the condition of your family joining was not telling your mom, then why aren't you clear with cousins that the consequence of giving your mom the information that you are not going and you aren't paying beyond the initial deposit. They can pay your portion or they can also forgo their deposits and find another place to go on the holiday. Bam. You have your sanity. The family deals with the natural consequences and you still have money for your needed vacation.

You can't make the other cousins pay for one cousin's mistake, but I would definitely try to get the cousin at fault to pay for her mistake. She probably won't.

Not OP, but given how she's described the cousin, I doubt it's worth the trouble.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry. Having a difficult mother is a problem like no other. There is always someone who says "well, I get alone with her just fine!" usually psycho mother is smart enough to have one ally. You are right -- the vacation will suck. And I would be considering a LOT of distance from the cousin.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a restraining order might be a good idea because it could keep her away even in situations like these.

I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you explicitly and clearly told them the condition of your family joining was not telling your mom, then why aren't you clear with cousins that the consequence of giving your mom the information that you are not going and you aren't paying beyond the initial deposit. They can pay your portion or they can also forgo their deposits and find another place to go on the holiday. Bam. You have your sanity. The family deals with the natural consequences and you still have money for your needed vacation.

You can't make the other cousins pay for one cousin's mistake, but I would definitely try to get the cousin at fault to pay for her mistake. She probably won't.

Not OP, but given how she's described the cousin, I doubt it's worth the trouble.

Agree. There is 0 chance this cousin is going to pay for OPs share now that OP can't go. Since the cousin thinks OP is a liar and OPs mom isn't a problem, the cousin will just say OP is overreacting and if OP won't go on the vacation that's OPs choice/problem.

[Anonymous]

Could you file a restraining order and then go? If she shows up, have her arrested and continue your vacation. I realize that all doesn't sound like fun, but neither does staying at home.