Sister telling people I'm on a diet

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. Many of us who are larger have been shamed about our weight and appearance for years. This can result in a situation where you are extremely sensitive about your weight and your body. I currently avoiding being in photographs for this reason. Even when I lose weight, I am really uncomfortable with people mentioning it because:
a. the subtext is "You look so much better. Geez, you used to be so fat and disgusting!"
b. I am uncomfortable with anyone telling me something that implies that they are looking and have been looking at my body - because chances are, in the past they were not admiring it.
c. Telling me that I look great, or I look better or that I am doing a good job with my weight loss is extremely condescending, and you are acting from a position of privilege as a thin person in rewarding me with a compliment -- which I didn't ask for, don't want, and don't acknowledge that you have the power to go around handing out.
d. It's intrusive and inappropriate. It crosses boundaries. Just because I am in public doesn't give you the right to comment on my body. I may very well have noticed your new boob job, but I"m not going to say "Hey, I think your new boobs look great. Maybe now your husband will stop screwing around on you."

[Anonymous]

There is something deeper to this situation because you're choose king to be annoyed by something that most people would blow off. Explore it and see what your true resentment is.

[Anonymous]

Choosing^

[Anonymous]

OP you sound a lot like me and the thoughts in my head (even down to only talking to DH and my sister about it!), but here's what I know about myself. My body and my weight (not huge but definitely a little chubby and always fought that my whole life) are real, deep sources of pain and insecurity for me. But the only thing that would make that pain and shame worse would be other people knowing about that insecurity. Even my closest friends would have no idea what I can put myself through mentally if I let it spiral down (DH either). So could that be something that you are reacting to? It compounds the insecurity when other people know you are insecury about it?

I am trying really hard in my 30s, now post partum with 20 lbs to lose to get into any of my clothes from my somewhat fitter days, to take that element out. I sort of force myself to even mention to friends when it comes up that I am working to get back in shape. And I put it that way, "I need to get back in shape, I feel unhealthy, I want to wear different clothes, I need energy to keep up with my boys" Of COURSE I want to be thinner because I feel sad in this mirror but I don't put that out there. I feel like the more I actually focus on the other stuff its not so much about the shame, its just matter of fact, I'm trying to get in shape not "I'm trying to not be ugly, worthless, etc"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Many of us who are larger have been shamed about our weight and appearance for years. This can result in a situation where you are extremely sensitive about your weight and your body. I currently avoiding being in photographs for this reason. Even when I lose weight, I am really uncomfortable with people mentioning it because:
a. the subtext is "You look so much better. Geez, you used to be so fat and disgusting!"
b. I am uncomfortable with anyone telling me something that implies that they are looking and have been looking at my body - because chances are, in the past they were not admiring it.
c. Telling me that I look great, or I look better or that I am doing a good job with my weight loss is extremely condescending, and you are acting from a position of privilege as a thin person in rewarding me with a compliment -- which I didn't ask for, don't want, and don't acknowledge that you have the power to go around handing out.
d. It's intrusive and inappropriate. It crosses boundaries. Just because I am in public doesn't give you the right to comment on my body. I may very well have noticed your new boob job, but I"m not going to say "Hey, I think your new boobs look great. Maybe now your husband will stop screwing around on you."

Thanks for the explanation.
It doesn't excuse the fact that OP is offended over nothing - the sister probably isn't aware that OP wanted to keep this private.
PPs are saying that it was on OP to be tell her this, or if she knew her sister couldn't be trusted, to not share the information in the first place.

[Anonymous]

It makes it clear that the sister was having conversations with others about OP's weight, which is just kind of icky. It means that the sister is a gossip. What else is she talking about? OP's marriage? OP's kids? No thanks. Mind your own beeswax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Many of us who are larger have been shamed about our weight and appearance for years. This can result in a situation where you are extremely sensitive about your weight and your body. I currently avoiding being in photographs for this reason. Even when I lose weight, I am really uncomfortable with people mentioning it because:
a. the subtext is "You look so much better. Geez, you used to be so fat and disgusting!"
b. I am uncomfortable with anyone telling me something that implies that they are looking and have been looking at my body - because chances are, in the past they were not admiring it.
c. Telling me that I look great, or I look better or that I am doing a good job with my weight loss is extremely condescending, and you are acting from a position of privilege as a thin person in rewarding me with a compliment -- which I didn't ask for, don't want, and don't acknowledge that you have the power to go around handing out.
d. It's intrusive and inappropriate. It crosses boundaries. Just because I am in public doesn't give you the right to comment on my body. I may very well have noticed your new boob job, but I"m not going to say "Hey, I think your new boobs look great. Maybe now your husband will stop screwing around on you."

PP above and this is a lot of what I was trying to express, but I rambled because I'm exhausted! I actually don't feel the other bullet points as much because I truly believe most people are coming from a good place and not a malicious one (or at least I'm lucky because I know the people around me are like that, because insecure or not I don't play with frenemy type fools, kick them to the curb!)

But its definitely much more in the person's head than in reality, but its still hard to overcome thoughts like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand and sympathize. I keep my dieting out of the public discourse as well and would be annoyed at this. Lesson learned.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're size 12. Go away.

What do you mean By that?
She is too fat or what?

[Anonymous]

People talk about you, about all aspects of you. This is going to happen. If you don't just acknowledge that and go on with life, you will find yourself disgruntled often. That is only going to hurt you more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes it clear that the sister was having conversations with others about OP's weight, which is just kind of icky. It means that the sister is a gossip. What else is she talking about? OP's marriage? OP's kids? No thanks. Mind your own beeswax.

This is exactly how I feel too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Many of us who are larger have been shamed about our weight and appearance for years. This can result in a situation where you are extremely sensitive about your weight and your body. I currently avoiding being in photographs for this reason. Even when I lose weight, I am really uncomfortable with people mentioning it because:
a. the subtext is "You look so much better. Geez, you used to be so fat and disgusting!"
b. I am uncomfortable with anyone telling me something that implies that they are looking and have been looking at my body - because chances are, in the past they were not admiring it.
c. Telling me that I look great, or I look better or that I am doing a good job with my weight loss is extremely condescending, and you are acting from a position of privilege as a thin person in rewarding me with a compliment -- which I didn't ask for, don't want, and don't acknowledge that you have the power to go around handing out.
d. It's intrusive and inappropriate. It crosses boundaries. Just because I am in public doesn't give you the right to comment on my body. I may very well have noticed your new boob job, but I"m not going to say "Hey, I think your new boobs look great. Maybe now your husband will stop screwing around on you."

You said it extremely well. My body is not a topic of discussion, thanks.

[Anonymous]

It is though. No matter how much you say it isn't. So just get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is though. No matter how much you say it isn't. So just get over it.

Can we talk about people's teeth then? Or their noses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is though. No matter how much you say it isn't. So just get over it.

Many people agree with OP