Husband MIA

[Anonymous]

Damn OP, I've read a lot of threads on this forum and been surprised at how quickly people encourage divorce but in your situation I really think divorce or separation makes sense. You're functionally a single parent and you're tethered to someone who treats you and your kids like a nuisance. I think it would be better to actually be alone and have the hope of meeting someone who treats you well. I'm so sorry for you. I hope you book yourself an all day spa retreat on Sunday and tell him he can do whatever he wants but he's bringing the kids.

[Anonymous]

For now, OP, since you have money, you should hire someone to take care of the kids part time, so you can get a break when you need to.

As for this husband, I hate to throw this at you, but I've known a number of men who "golf" a lot, who aren't really golfing. It's a really good cover story. Especially since his need to "golf" is so urgent, frequent, and obviously more important than you or his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a sahm and my husband has an intense job. To be honest, it's a relatively new position that I asked him not to take as we have a child with physical and mental health issues. I don't really care about the extra money , as we were doing more than fine before this. He wants to golf every weekend often multiple times in a weekend. This weekend I am taking my daughter and a friend on an overnight fur her birthday. Leave Friday home Saturday. He wants to golf Mother's Day as he won't be able to Friday or Saturday. He travels or is home late 3 to 4 days in the week. Our son sees a therapist and lack of time with dad has clearly emerged as an issue. My husband gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it. He says he works the 60 hour work week and should be able to do what he wants on the weekends. My one child is extremely difficult and my other is intense in different ways as has some tough learning disabilities. While I don't work, I'm the only parent from 6-8 am and 3-10 pm almost every night and am solo most of the weekend. The Mother's Day golf thing just threw me and I said I really don't like him much anymore. Not nice, I know but Im afraid it's true. Thoughts? WWYD?

Mom of SN child with learning disabilities, which when untreated definitely created anxiety and mood and behavioral issues. First, if your husband is making buckets of money, I would sink that into 1) as much tutoring for the learning disability as possible 2) if you are in a public school system every penny you can spend on an advocate or attorney will be worth it in order to make the school day productive (but don't depend on the school to actually provide useful education for the learning disability, you will probs have to rely on private tutoring for that). If not in public school, then you should be considering if the $$$ DH makes should be spent on SN private school. The more you can do to address the learning disability and your SN child's ability to have a useful and pleasant school experience, the more you will find that other problems (mood, anxiety, behavior, etc.) diminish or disappear. Think about it. Kids spend 6+ hours a day at school and it forms the core of all their peer relationships and feelings of success. If school is not working, nothing else does. You are very lucky if you have the money to address your SN child's needs, and I would want to preserve that. Most of us SN parents struggle to find the money for appropriate therapy, school, etc. Post on the SN board if you need help figuring out how to address your SN child's needs.

Home late 3-4 days a week is not a big deal to me in terms of child development. What the child feels about this depends largely on how the parent frames it. My dad never came home until 8pm, traveled was away on weekends, etc., but we had dinner with him when he came home and he brought us gifts from his travels. I felt fine about it. My DH is gone for up to 6 weeks at a time. SN DS is fine with it, because I am fine with it and find other ways to be connected -- writing emails, saving pictures for Daddy, participating in weekly speakerphone calls with DH when he travels, etc.

BUT, it the amount of time you are filling in for DH is WAY TOO MUCH. If DH is making the big $$$, then you should be spending this on a mother's helper or nanny or activities for the kids which give you a break. Also, you should be spending some time away from kids doing what you want to do for you -- spa time, taking a class, seeing friends, whatever. This is essential to your personal development and well-being. Don't be a martyr. You are setting the best example for your kids when you are taking care of yourself and developing yourself.

What you DO need to focus on isn't the amount of time that DH spends with DS, but rather the quality of that time. You shouldn't be telling your DH that SN son needs to see him more. That is likely to be perceived as critical and thus will be ineffective. Ask DH to participate in therapy (like you do) about SN son. A good therapist will know how to deliver a mixture of patient/parent education about the LD and mental issues, goal-setting (instead of criticism) and parenting support to the parent. In other words, therapist should be delivering the message that SN son needs to spend more time with Dad, as well as strategizing with Dad privately about why SN son behaves the way he does and useful and enjoyable activities SN son and DH can do together. Therapist should be consulting with you after he/she and DH formulate a plan so that you can support it by watching other kids, etc. IME, DH has less time with SN child and thus a weaker understanding of SN child's strengths and weaknesses and how to structure successful, pleasant interaction. (My DS has a language disorder, so DH often didn't understand what DS wanted or how to play successfully with him.)

Finally, why is Sunday such a big deal? The compromise is obvious. You are taking one kid away for 2 days. Presumably DH is watching SN kid. Neither of you get to do what you would like on Fri/Sat, so you split Sun as follows -- 1 special event for a couple of hours that Mom picks because it is Mother's Day, and then the rest of the day is split between the two parents, each choosing to do what they want. If DH wants to go golfing for 4 hours, fine. But you do a Mother's Day event together for 2 hours and then Mom gets 4 hours to herself for whatever. Problem solved. Hire a sitter if need be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn OP, I've read a lot of threads on this forum and been surprised at how quickly people encourage divorce but in your situation I really think divorce or separation makes sense. You're functionally a single parent and you're tethered to someone who treats you and your kids like a nuisance. I think it would be better to actually be alone and have the hope of meeting someone who treats you well. I'm so sorry for you. I hope you book yourself an all day spa retreat on Sunday and tell him he can do whatever he wants but he's bringing the kids.

I completely agree with this. Sorry, OP, your husband is a complete jerk.

[Anonymous]

If your husband is turning into a golf obsessed junkie like my ex BIL was, prepare for a divorce. You're already doing everything alone, you just won't have his aggravating self to deal with should you divorce. A plus right there.

I agree with hiring help now. You need it. Whether that be home help or kid help, you cannot keep burning both ends of your candle. You need time to yourself and your kids need you fresh too.

Since your husband FAILS to do his duty before fun, you are in your rights to have him foot the bill for any help you need. If he can play and relax, so can you.

Do it.

[Anonymous]

OP - It does seem as if there is a communication problem between you and DH, and he may well be putting time into his job and his golf to avoid life's situation with two intense kids. However, before you jump on the bandwagon of divorce or not, why would you not consider a couple's counselor or seeing someone yourself first to work out with professional support what your expectations are for DH in marriage as a partner, parent as well as a provider. I do think since the kids are school age that your perspective on how to present things that you need and why might be easier if you found one or two outlets for yourself out of the house. As you better define your needs and options, you will be stronger to request his involvement with counseling as a couple and then see where it goes. If there is one thing that you know DS would enjoy doing with Dad, then I would present this as a priority one of parenting and say you expect him as a Dad to do it and put his golf tee time around it. It might be scouting or going to a sports game or whatever.Try to present it in a positive way.

I forget the age of DS, but in the short-term if money is no option, why not try to higher a a male college kid for the summer to do some activities with him and cart him around. DS might really benefit from some time with a peer a bit older. Also, make sure both of the kids are doing things they will enjoy this summer since you can afford it, and maybe a couple of weeks of overnight camp. This should help you feel like you have the time to pursue different interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a sahm and my husband has an intense job. To be honest, it's a relatively new position that I asked him not to take as we have a child with physical and mental health issues. I don't really care about the extra money , as we were doing more than fine before this. He wants to golf every weekend often multiple times in a weekend. This weekend I am taking my daughter and a friend on an overnight fur her birthday. Leave Friday home Saturday. He wants to golf Mother's Day as he won't be able to Friday or Saturday. He travels or is home late 3 to 4 days in the week. Our son sees a therapist and lack of time with dad has clearly emerged as an issue. My husband gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it. He says he works the 60 hour work week and should be able to do what he wants on the weekends. My one child is extremely difficult and my other is intense in different ways as has some tough learning disabilities. While I don't work, I'm the only parent from 6-8 am and 3-10 pm almost every night and am solo most of the weekend. The Mother's Day golf thing just threw me and I said I really don't like him much anymore. Not nice, I know but Im afraid it's true. Thoughts? WWYD?

You sound like a door mat. The Mothers day thing "threw you"?

How about you are married to an absentee husband and your kids have an absentee father. Threw is not the word. You married a self absorbed jerk.

Op here. I'm no doormat. This dynamic has been around for awhile but honestly I'm exhausted dealing with my one child's issues and have little fight left in me anymore. I think I've known it's over for awhile. Another example , if he has a day off - like a Friday , he golfs, never thinks to say hey let's grab lunch and a movie, hike or whatever. And if I say it would be nice if you were able to surprise kids by picking them up or something similar he says well normally I'd be at work on this day so what does it matter? Truly not comprehensible to me to think that way. I used to work an intense , full time job and I moved the moon to be around for my kids as much as I could. Anyway, I guess I'm just sad. On the Mother's Day thing I made dinner plans some place I like and he complained about the venue. This am he asked what time brunch was so he could golf- no brunch as I thought maybe I'd get away a bit or we could all do something as a family. But I DID make a dinner reservation - sorry-rant but just to flesh out even further his thinking with respect to Mother's Day.

Sorry, your husband is a jerk. He doesn't care about being a husband, he doesn't care about being a father. He appears to care about work and golf and not much else. Golfing multiple times a weekend every weekend is just inexcusable. 18 holes is about four hours, not including travel time, having lunch or a drink with the guys afterwards, etc. And it sounds like he's not really around even if he's not playing golf. He's been told that his decision not to spend time with his kids is affecting his son, and he argues that his personal preferences are more important.

I'd be looking at a divorce, but in the meantime, hire more help. People mention a nanny, but it sounds like your kids are in school. I'd hire a housecleaner, if you haven't already. Anything else you can outsource, do. Hire someone to watch the kids at a set time every week so you can take a class or meet a friend or whatever feels re-energizing for you. If you divorce, you'll still be dealing with the kids full-time, and probably needing to get at least a part-time job and he'll still find ways to disappoint you with respect to the kids. But you won't be sharing your home with someone who seems to have no respect for you or affection for his chidren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a sahm and my husband has an intense job. To be honest, it's a relatively new position that I asked him not to take as we have a child with physical and mental health issues. I don't really care about the extra money , as we were doing more than fine before this. He wants to golf every weekend often multiple times in a weekend. This weekend I am taking my daughter and a friend on an overnight fur her birthday. Leave Friday home Saturday. He wants to golf Mother's Day as he won't be able to Friday or Saturday. He travels or is home late 3 to 4 days in the week. Our son sees a therapist and lack of time with dad has clearly emerged as an issue. My husband gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it. He says he works the 60 hour work week and should be able to do what he wants on the weekends. My one child is extremely difficult and my other is intense in different ways as has some tough learning disabilities. While I don't work, I'm the only parent from 6-8 am and 3-10 pm almost every night and am solo most of the weekend. The Mother's Day golf thing just threw me and I said I really don't like him much anymore. Not nice, I know but Im afraid it's true. Thoughts? WWYD?

Mom of SN child with learning disabilities, which when untreated definitely created anxiety and mood and behavioral issues. First, if your husband is making buckets of money, I would sink that into 1) as much tutoring for the learning disability as possible 2) if you are in a public school system every penny you can spend on an advocate or attorney will be worth it in order to make the school day productive (but don't depend on the school to actually provide useful education for the learning disability, you will probs have to rely on private tutoring for that). If not in public school, then you should be considering if the $$$ DH makes should be spent on SN private school. The more you can do to address the learning disability and your SN child's ability to have a useful and pleasant school experience, the more you will find that other problems (mood, anxiety, behavior, etc.) diminish or disappear. Think about it. Kids spend 6+ hours a day at school and it forms the core of all their peer relationships and feelings of success. If school is not working, nothing else does. You are very lucky if you have the money to address your SN child's needs, and I would want to preserve that. Most of us SN parents struggle to find the money for appropriate therapy, school, etc. Post on the SN board if you need help figuring out how to address your SN child's needs.

Home late 3-4 days a week is not a big deal to me in terms of child development. What the child feels about this depends largely on how the parent frames it. My dad never came home until 8pm, traveled was away on weekends, etc., but we had dinner with him when he came home and he brought us gifts from his travels. I felt fine about it. My DH is gone for up to 6 weeks at a time. SN DS is fine with it, because I am fine with it and find other ways to be connected -- writing emails, saving pictures for Daddy, participating in weekly speakerphone calls with DH when he travels, etc.

BUT, it the amount of time you are filling in for DH is WAY TOO MUCH. If DH is making the big $$$, then you should be spending this on a mother's helper or nanny or activities for the kids which give you a break. Also, you should be spending some time away from kids doing what you want to do for you -- spa time, taking a class, seeing friends, whatever. This is essential to your personal development and well-being. Don't be a martyr. You are setting the best example for your kids when you are taking care of yourself and developing yourself.

What you DO need to focus on isn't the amount of time that DH spends with DS, but rather the quality of that time. You shouldn't be telling your DH that SN son needs to see him more. That is likely to be perceived as critical and thus will be ineffective. Ask DH to participate in therapy (like you do) about SN son. A good therapist will know how to deliver a mixture of patient/parent education about the LD and mental issues, goal-setting (instead of criticism) and parenting support to the parent. In other words, therapist should be delivering the message that SN son needs to spend more time with Dad, as well as strategizing with Dad privately about why SN son behaves the way he does and useful and enjoyable activities SN son and DH can do together. Therapist should be consulting with you after he/she and DH formulate a plan so that you can support it by watching other kids, etc. IME, DH has less time with SN child and thus a weaker understanding of SN child's strengths and weaknesses and how to structure successful, pleasant interaction. (My DS has a language disorder, so DH often didn't understand what DS wanted or how to play successfully with him.)

Finally, why is Sunday such a big deal? The compromise is obvious. You are taking one kid away for 2 days. Presumably DH is watching SN kid. Neither of you get to do what you would like on Fri/Sat, so you split Sun as follows -- 1 special event for a couple of hours that Mom picks because it is Mother's Day, and then the rest of the day is split between the two parents, each choosing to do what they want. If DH wants to go golfing for 4 hours, fine. But you do a Mother's Day event together for 2 hours and then Mom gets 4 hours to herself for whatever. Problem solved. Hire a sitter if need be.

I understand your view point, but to clarify, my son has physical health issues and mental health issues (possibly bi polar) and my daughter has the LDS , my son too but minor compared to his other stuff. They both have ADD. It's tough around here and my son's health needs neccisitate one of us being here, can't have a sitter for longer than a few hours. His mental health needs further narrow the world of who can step in to help take care of him. I get it, I have days I don't want to be here either, it's hard stuff and often painful, but I signed up for this and I love my son,so we take one day at a time. I'm just curious to be left holding the bag as it were, not having a partner either as a husband or as a parent or even just as a friend.

[Anonymous]

Furious not "curious"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:husband here. i dont agree with the "screw golf" theory. i agree that it should be cut down to where one is not doing it every weekend and blocking off valuable time. i disagree with completely stopping because you have kids and a family.

your life and interests dont end because of kids. you work around it and find a balance. you dont get a gold star because you decide to invest the next 18 years of your life to your kids only. thats not healthy in my book. find a balance between kids, family, wife, personal interests and make it work.

youll end up miserable asking about how to get an ap or "complaining" about your no sex having spouse in no time simply focusing on the kids.

I don't really understand your post. I'm ok with my husband golfing 1 day a week but more than that is too much given our situation. I haven't "built my life around my kids" but when dad is gone all the time and my son has health needs what am I supposed to do?

+1 PP is projected a bit, I sense.

im not projecting. i have 3 kids.

i am saying your husband needs to find a balance. the end. i understand you are in a different situation because your child has special needs and i wont minimize that.

just saying that there were people saying just stop golfing, or doing activities he likes and that is not the solution.

your husband can definitely skip out on a weekend on golf on mothers day for you, rather than use that day for "make up" time because you went out of town/did activities on your own.

i was more responding to people thinking your husband can save his activities for when he retires.

[Anonymous]

Since he's hardly ever around, could he be having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since he's hardly ever around, could he be having an affair?

Anything is possible , not during in town golf time though as I know who he golfs with, near our house, sometimes I have to get message to him there, etc.

[Anonymous]

You may need to seek marriage counseling. Sorry, but he can't put himself first, he has a family/child. His wants/needs come 2nd now.

[Anonymous]

You might want to post this on the Special Needs forum. Marriages fall apart around the needs of special needs children. Other people navigating those needs might be more helpful if divorce is not what you want.

My take is like everyone else's here. He took the job because he doesn't want to be home. He's not enjoying family life, and he's not willing to work his regular paid job and then come home to another job he doesn't want to do. He's checked out, and I don't know if there's a way to get him back.

[Anonymous]

My husband usually just goes to the driving range or plays 9 holes these days.