Husband MIA

[Anonymous]

Sounds like an affair. He's mean and withdrawn. Avoids you and the kids. I hope I'm wrong. Are you guys having sex?

[Anonymous]

DH her as well. I travel each week for 2-3 nights and unless I can golf during business hours, it doesn't happen. At this point, my kids and wife AR emy main priority.

You need to find someone who deserves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH her as well. I travel each week for 2-3 nights and unless I can golf during business hours, it doesn't happen. At this point, my kids and wife AR emy main priority.

You need to find someone who deserves you.

Thank you. Good perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad here... Screw golf. That part of his life is over. He can resume it in retirement.

+1 sort of. Why not compromise and he can golf two Sunday's a month and you can do something two weekend days a month? I think cutting it off completely is harsh everyone needs down time - but that down time should be equal.

As for Mother's Day, I'd be furious. I would have to wait to calm down then talk to him. Ask how would he feel if you planned an all day event for yourself on Father's Day leaving him with the kids with nothing planned.

Or, if you want to go passive-aggressive, just book yourself a spa day on Father's Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like an affair. He's mean and withdrawn. Avoids you and the kids. I hope I'm wrong. Are you guys having sex?

Could be. It's crossed my mind. We had a rough patch a few years ago also new job , travelled a lot I was home with two little ones and he had a few near affairs or perhaps they were consummated. I'll never know for sure. We went to counseling things were better for awhile and then the situations with my son started. He was mean and withdrawn then too. That actually was what tipped me off, I felt like he was looking for excuses to criticize me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For now, OP, since you have money, you should hire someone to take care of the kids part time, so you can get a break when you need to.

As for this husband, I hate to throw this at you, but I've known a number of men who "golf" a lot, who aren't really golfing. It's a really good cover story. Especially since his need to "golf" is so urgent, frequent, and obviously more important than you or his kids.

I mean, she has 35 hours a week to herself. I don't think she needs more of that. (I SAH too) She needs a DH who gives a shit about them and participates in family life, beyond giving them money.

I'm sorry OP. I'd be miserable too. It's really hurtful the way he's treating you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your DH says he works 60 hrs and he should be able to do what he "wants" on weekends...well, shouldn't he "want" to spend it engaged with his kids?

[Anonymous]

I read this last posting, and I ask, did he really want kids? A lot of my friends, the woman wanted kids, the man did not. Men often expect the women to do the lion's share of work regarding kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. Your life sounds like misery all because of the presence of your spouse. Cut him loose, get that toxin out of your life (as much as possible since you share children with him) and find happiness. Don't make a big announcement though without getting your ducks in a row. He'll most certainly do things like hide income and savings (if he doesn't already) or has done stuff like rack up debt on credit cards you don't know he even has, etc. Consult an attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something very sad about a man who has to be shamed into spending time with his own children.

And those are the guys who when they hit like 60 or 70 are desperate to have a relationship with those children because he is scared of being alone in his old age. Cliche.

[Anonymous]

OP--You've gotten a lot of advice, but I have a suggestion that might help while you're figuring out if your DH is willing to become more engaged/try therapy/if divorce is definitely in the cards. I'm a teacher with a couple former colleagues who left teaching to become special needs/high-end professional nannies. One of them is a special-needs nanny for a single mom with two kids, and she works a 4-5 hour shift during the weekend every other week---the mom will take one kid to do something fun, the other kid stays home and does a special fun thing with the nanny, and halfway through the mom and nanny swap kids. My friend says the kids thrive from each having special one-on-one time with their mom and it helps the child with lesser needs when he feels overshadowed by the child with higher needs.

Since it doesn't seem like your husband is around enough to divide-and-conquer so your kids get one-on-one time, maybe this would work for you?

I'd also tell your DH that if he wants to golf over the weekend while you're out of town with your daughter, he can take your son to mini-golf/putt putt. Or he can get a plastic golf course set and he and your son can set up a wacky golf course in your basement/yard!

[Anonymous]

No real advice, OP, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am and give you a virtual hug. Even if you can convince your husband that spending time with you and the kids is the right thing to do, he will be doing it only out of obligation and not because he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like an affair. He's mean and withdrawn. Avoids you and the kids. I hope I'm wrong. Are you guys having sex?

Even if they are having sex, it can still be an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It appears to me he set up this dynamic in order to escape his share of the load. This isn't about golf.

+1. You're basically on your own as is, so unless he can change and become the engages faher and husband he should be, it's prob time to think about divorce.

+1 Hire a full time nanny to help you and just let him do as he wishes. You have a comfortable life for yourself and your SN children. I think that's a plus you should be grateful for. Your husband is definitely a jerk, but it doesn't sound like he is going to change, so you should adjust and make the best life you can for yourself and your kids.

I agree with this poster.
I am sorry, I am going to lay out the naked truth for you. One child is a difficult girl, the boy is an SN kid as I understand. He has no desire to invest in them, so to speak. Sorry but this is how he thinks.

[Anonymous]

Aren't you going away fri and sat with friends? Why shouldn't he got some "me" time on Sunday morning? I kind of agree with your husband on the issue of this weekend.

For everything else I agree with the other posters.

I don't think divorce is the right answer. Maybe counseling? Both individual (you are a doormat) and couple (to learn how to communicate).