Husband MIA

[Anonymous]

I am a sahm and my husband has an intense job. To be honest, it's a relatively new position that I asked him not to take as we have a child with physical and mental health issues. I don't really care about the extra money , as we were doing more than fine before this. He wants to golf every weekend often multiple times in a weekend. This weekend I am taking my daughter and a friend on an overnight fur her birthday. Leave Friday home Saturday. He wants to golf Mother's Day as he won't be able to Friday or Saturday. He travels or is home late 3 to 4 days in the week. Our son sees a therapist and lack of time with dad has clearly emerged as an issue. My husband gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it. He says he works the 60 hour work week and should be able to do what he wants on the weekends. My one child is extremely difficult and my other is intense in different ways as has some tough learning disabilities. While I don't work, I'm the only parent from 6-8 am and 3-10 pm almost every night and am solo most of the weekend. The Mother's Day golf thing just threw me and I said I really don't like him much anymore. Not nice, I know but Im afraid it's true. Thoughts? WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Dad here... Screw golf. That part of his life is over. He can resume it in retirement.

[Anonymous]

Ridiculous. You can't handle the load of a special needs child alone, OP. No one golfs in that situation.

Special needs mom.

[Anonymous]

He is not invested in your marriage or your child, he is using work as an excuse (and I am not buying the 60 hour a week thing either, probably has priority issues).

You might want to check your finances, he is up to something.

As the PP said, screw golf, that should be a every few months thing, not every single weekend.

[Anonymous]

It appears to me he set up this dynamic in order to escape his share of the load. This isn't about golf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It appears to me he set up this dynamic in order to escape his share of the load. This isn't about golf.

+1. You're basically on your own as is, so unless he can change and become the engages faher and husband he should be, it's prob time to think about divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here... Screw golf. That part of his life is over. He can resume it in retirement.

+1 sort of. Why not compromise and he can golf two Sunday's a month and you can do something two weekend days a month? I think cutting it off completely is harsh everyone needs down time - but that down time should be equal.

As for Mother's Day, I'd be furious. I would have to wait to calm down then talk to him. Ask how would he feel if you planned an all day event for yourself on Father's Day leaving him with the kids with nothing planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a sahm and my husband has an intense job. To be honest, it's a relatively new position that I asked him not to take as we have a child with physical and mental health issues. I don't really care about the extra money , as we were doing more than fine before this. He wants to golf every weekend often multiple times in a weekend. This weekend I am taking my daughter and a friend on an overnight fur her birthday. Leave Friday home Saturday. He wants to golf Mother's Day as he won't be able to Friday or Saturday. He travels or is home late 3 to 4 days in the week. Our son sees a therapist and lack of time with dad has clearly emerged as an issue. My husband gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it. He says he works the 60 hour work week and should be able to do what he wants on the weekends. My one child is extremely difficult and my other is intense in different ways as has some tough learning disabilities. While I don't work, I'm the only parent from 6-8 am and 3-10 pm almost every night and am solo most of the weekend. The Mother's Day golf thing just threw me and I said I really don't like him much anymore. Not nice, I know but Im afraid it's true. Thoughts? WWYD?

You sound like a door mat. The Mothers day thing "threw you"?

How about you are married to an ansentee husband and your kids have an absentee father. Threw is not the word. You married a self absorbed jerk.

[Anonymous]

How often did you see him when you were dating? How long did the dating period last? How long has the marriage been going?

[Anonymous]

He is a jerk. He needs to say goodbye to golf.

[Anonymous]

He needs to play a lot less golf and spend a lot more time with his family. My DH works similar hours. We belong to a golf club, and for years (when our kids were younger), DH golfed 2-3 times a year because weekends were his time to spend with his family. And golfing on Mother's Day??! That's just selfish.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that you married a self-absorbed jerk, OP. The fact that he is hardly around and his idea of fun is golf vs spending time with his wife and kids speaks volumes. And on Mother's Day? Why is this man even married with kids if he would rather spend his free time alone too? I would not want to stay in this marriage. I hope you take him to the cleaners and find someone worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

this is a tough one - people will advise you to divorce, but then you are stuck raising kids on your own and with less of his income. It sucks, but some men just use work as an excuse. They kind of have a lot of work, but then will stay late every single night to avoid coming home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a sahm and my husband has an intense job. To be honest, it's a relatively new position that I asked him not to take as we have a child with physical and mental health issues. I don't really care about the extra money , as we were doing more than fine before this. He wants to golf every weekend often multiple times in a weekend. This weekend I am taking my daughter and a friend on an overnight fur her birthday. Leave Friday home Saturday. He wants to golf Mother's Day as he won't be able to Friday or Saturday. He travels or is home late 3 to 4 days in the week. Our son sees a therapist and lack of time with dad has clearly emerged as an issue. My husband gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it. He says he works the 60 hour work week and should be able to do what he wants on the weekends. My one child is extremely difficult and my other is intense in different ways as has some tough learning disabilities. While I don't work, I'm the only parent from 6-8 am and 3-10 pm almost every night and am solo most of the weekend. The Mother's Day golf thing just threw me and I said I really don't like him much anymore. Not nice, I know but Im afraid it's true. Thoughts? WWYD?

You sound like a door mat. The Mothers day thing "threw you"?

How about you are married to an ansentee husband and your kids have an absentee father. Threw is not the word. You married a self absorbed jerk.

Op here. I'm no doormat. This dynamic has been around for awhile but honestly I'm exhausted dealing with my one child's issues and have little fight left in me anymore. I think I've known it's over for awhile. Another example , if he has a day off - like a Friday , he golfs, never thinks to say hey let's grab lunch and a movie, hike or whatever. And if I say it would be nice if you were able to surprise kids by picking them up or something similar he says well normally I'd be at work on this day so what does it matter? Truly not comprehensible to me to think that way. I used to work an intense , full time job and I moved the moon to be around for my kids as much as I could. Anyway, I guess I'm just sad. On the Mother's Day thing I made dinner plans some place I like and he complained about the venue. This am he asked what time brunch was so he could golf- no brunch as I thought maybe I'd get away a bit or we could all do something as a family. But I DID make a dinner reservation - sorry-rant but just to flesh out even further his thinking with respect to Mother's Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is a tough one - people will advise you to divorce, but then you are stuck raising kids on your own and with less of his income. It sucks, but some men just use work as an excuse. They kind of have a lot of work, but then will stay late every single night to avoid coming home.

We have plenty of money - if he only provided 1/4 of what he makes we'd be more than ok. I already raise the kids on my own and at least then I wouldn't have any expectations or disappointments with him.