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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a sahm and my husband has an intense job.   To be honest, it's a relatively new position that I asked him not to take as we have a child with physical and mental health issues.  I don't really care about the extra money , as we were doing more than fine before this.  He wants to golf every weekend often multiple times in a weekend.  This weekend I am taking my daughter and a friend on an overnight fur her birthday.  Leave Friday home Saturday.   He wants to golf Mother's Day as he won't be able to Friday or Saturday.  He travels or is home late 3 to 4 days in the week.   Our son sees a therapist and lack of time with dad has clearly emerged as an issue. My husband gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it.  He says he works the 60 hour work week and should be able to do what he wants on the weekends.  My one child is extremely difficult and my other is intense in different ways as has some tough learning disabilities.  While I don't work, I'm the only parent from 6-8 am and 3-10 pm almost every night and am solo most of the weekend.   The Mother's Day golf thing just threw me and I said I really don't like him much anymore.  Not nice, I know but Im afraid it's true.  Thoughts?  WWYD? [/quote]

Mom of SN child with learning disabilities, which when untreated definitely created anxiety and mood and behavioral issues.  First, if your husband is making buckets of money, I would sink that into 1) as much tutoring for the learning disability as possible 2) if you are in a public school system every penny you can spend on an advocate or attorney will be worth it in order to make the school day productive (but don't depend on the school to actually provide useful education for the learning disability, you will probs have to rely on private tutoring for that).  If not in public school, then you should be considering if the $$$ DH makes should be spent on SN private school.  The more you can do to address the learning disability and your SN child's ability to have a useful and pleasant school experience, the more you will find that other problems (mood, anxiety, behavior, etc.) diminish or disappear.  Think about it.  Kids spend 6+ hours a day at school and it forms the core of all their peer relationships and feelings of success.  If school is not working, nothing else does.   You are very lucky if you have the money to address your SN child's needs, and I would want to preserve that.  Most of us SN parents struggle to find the money for appropriate therapy, school, etc.  Post on the SN board if you need help figuring out how to address your SN child's needs.

Home late 3-4 days a week is not a big deal to me in terms of child development.  What the child feels about this depends largely on how the parent frames it.  My dad never came home until 8pm, traveled was away on weekends, etc., but we had dinner with him when he came home and he brought us gifts from his travels.  I felt fine about it.  My DH is gone for up to 6 weeks at a time.  SN DS is fine with it, because I am fine with it and find other ways to be connected -- writing emails, saving pictures for Daddy, participating in weekly speakerphone calls with DH when he travels, etc.

BUT, it the amount of time you are filling in for DH is WAY TOO MUCH.  If DH is making the big $$$, then you should be spending this on a mother's helper or nanny or activities for the kids which give you a break.  Also, you should be spending some time away from kids doing what you want to do for you -- spa time, taking a class, seeing friends, whatever.  This is essential to your personal development and well-being.  Don't be a martyr.  You are setting the best example for your kids when you are taking care of yourself and developing yourself.

What you DO need to focus on isn't the amount of time that DH spends with DS, but rather the quality of that time.  You shouldn't be telling your DH that SN son needs to see him more.  That is likely to be perceived as critical and thus will be ineffective.  Ask DH to participate in therapy (like you do) about SN son.  A good therapist will know how to deliver a mixture of patient/parent education about the LD and mental issues, goal-setting (instead of criticism) and parenting support to the parent.  In other words, therapist should be delivering the message that SN son needs to spend more time with Dad, as well as strategizing with Dad privately about why SN son behaves the way he does and useful and enjoyable activities SN son and DH can do together.  Therapist should be consulting with you after he/she and DH formulate a plan so that you can support it by watching other kids, etc.   IME, DH has less time with SN child and thus a weaker understanding of SN child's strengths and weaknesses and how to structure successful, pleasant interaction.  (My DS has a language disorder, so DH often didn't understand  what DS wanted or how to play successfully with him.)

Finally, why is Sunday such a big deal?  The compromise is obvious.  You are taking one kid away for 2 days.  Presumably DH is watching SN kid.  Neither of you get to do what you would like on Fri/Sat, so you split Sun as follows -- 1 special event for a couple of hours that Mom picks because it is Mother's Day, and then the rest of the day is split between the two parents, each choosing to do what they want.  If DH wants to go golfing for 4 hours, fine.  But you do a Mother's Day event together for 2 hours and then Mom gets 4 hours to herself for whatever.  Problem solved.  Hire a sitter if need be.  [/quote]

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