Husband MIA

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Your husband is being a selfish asshole. I can't believe he asked to golf on Mothers Day. Its Mothers Day for crying out loud! You should get a break, not him! That alone would send me over the edge.

Having a special needs child is so difficult (I have one) and it sounds like yours has some serious challenges. I agree that he might be doing some of this to tune out and stay in denial about your child with special needs. But maybe he is just a selfish jerk regardless.

So you have a couple of options
1 - accept his selfish behavior and use the extra $$ to get all the therapy you can for your son, and pay for babysitters, house cleaners...whatever you need in order to get a break. Put away money for yourself and start thinking about how you would manage everything on your own.

or

2 - Insist right now that he commit to going to couples therapy and working on your marriage by making you and his children a priority. And if doesn't then he can kiss your marriage goodbye. Obviously that is a really difficult card to play because you SAH and aren't making any income and would still be the main caregiver of your son.

He is treating you and your children like doormats. He needs a serious wake up call.

[Anonymous]

Geez.....He should have made an exception for Mother's Day.
Especially w/the difficulty of caring for special needs children.

He should offer to take on their care for the day thus giving you some well-deserved "you" time. At the very least, take you out to or cook you dinner.

I don't even know him OP, but I don't like him very much either.

He sounds selfish & irresponsible.

And did I say selfish....?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was somewhat in your shoes 2 years ago. My son's therapist said my H lack of involvement in my son's life is impacting his mental health.

I should have made my H go to talk to my son's therapist but I didn't because my H is an adult and he needed to make that decision.


Long story short, there was an underlying issue with my H ... We are now divorcing and he spends tons of time with his son's and works less but it literally took a divorce to knock him straight.

You yada-yada'd the best part!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For now, OP, since you have money, you should hire someone to take care of the kids part time, so you can get a break when you need to.

As for this husband, I hate to throw this at you, but I've known a number of men who "golf" a lot, who aren't really golfing. It's a really good cover story. Especially since his need to "golf" is so urgent, frequent, and obviously more important than you or his kids.

I mean, she has 35 hours a week to herself. I don't think she needs more of that. (I SAH too) She needs a DH who gives a shit about them and participates in family life, beyond giving them money.

I'm sorry OP. I'd be miserable too. It's really hurtful the way he's treating you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was somewhat in your shoes 2 years ago. My son's therapist said my H lack of involvement in my son's life is impacting his mental health.

I should have made my H go to talk to my son's therapist but I didn't because my H is an adult and he needed to make that decision.


Long story short, there was an underlying issue with my H ... We are now divorcing and he spends tons of time with his son's and works less but it literally took a divorce to knock him straight.

You yada-yada'd the best part!

What ever!!! My H lost his whole family life... and he went to counseling .. because of the "stress of divorce" and found out he had had anxiety and depression his whole life. So he had to lose it all to go see somebody. It would have made more sense to go see somebody first.

Yada yada yada.... you probably have an underlying issue that makes you so ignorant.

Women who have to divorce their H to force them to see their kids is not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

"It's tough around here and my son's health needs neccisitate one of us being here, can't have a sitter for longer than a few hours."

There are special needs nannies, OP. I know of wealthy families who have them. It sounds like you need to help yourself out a bit more by finding the right help.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, this sounds alot like my ex, especially with the golf. Fortunately I had 2 fairly easy kids. I am mostly on my own, they see my ex EOWE and 1 night a week--and really it is fine. I am remarried, ex pays child support. I always worked and still do.

I would make sure you are covered as far as your income needs for yourself and the kids and get a good lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a sahm and my husband has an intense job. To be honest, it's a relatively new position that I asked him not to take as we have a child with physical and mental health issues. I don't really care about the extra money , as we were doing more than fine before this. He wants to golf every weekend often multiple times in a weekend. This weekend I am taking my daughter and a friend on an overnight fur her birthday. Leave Friday home Saturday. He wants to golf Mother's Day as he won't be able to Friday or Saturday. He travels or is home late 3 to 4 days in the week. Our son sees a therapist and lack of time with dad has clearly emerged as an issue. My husband gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it. He says he works the 60 hour work week and should be able to do what he wants on the weekends. My one child is extremely difficult and my other is intense in different ways as has some tough learning disabilities. While I don't work, I'm the only parent from 6-8 am and 3-10 pm almost every night and am solo most of the weekend. The Mother's Day golf thing just threw me and I said I really don't like him much anymore. Not nice, I know but Im afraid it's true. Thoughts? WWYD?

Mom of SN child with learning disabilities, which when untreated definitely created anxiety and mood and behavioral issues. First, if your husband is making buckets of money, I would sink that into 1) as much tutoring for the learning disability as possible 2) if you are in a public school system every penny you can spend on an advocate or attorney will be worth it in order to make the school day productive (but don't depend on the school to actually provide useful education for the learning disability, you will probs have to rely on private tutoring for that). If not in public school, then you should be considering if the $$$ DH makes should be spent on SN private school. The more you can do to address the learning disability and your SN child's ability to have a useful and pleasant school experience, the more you will find that other problems (mood, anxiety, behavior, etc.) diminish or disappear. Think about it. Kids spend 6+ hours a day at school and it forms the core of all their peer relationships and feelings of success. If school is not working, nothing else does. You are very lucky if you have the money to address your SN child's needs, and I would want to preserve that. Most of us SN parents struggle to find the money for appropriate therapy, school, etc. Post on the SN board if you need help figuring out how to address your SN child's needs.

Home late 3-4 days a week is not a big deal to me in terms of child development. What the child feels about this depends largely on how the parent frames it. My dad never came home until 8pm, traveled was away on weekends, etc., but we had dinner with him when he came home and he brought us gifts from his travels. I felt fine about it. My DH is gone for up to 6 weeks at a time. SN DS is fine with it, because I am fine with it and find other ways to be connected -- writing emails, saving pictures for Daddy, participating in weekly speakerphone calls with DH when he travels, etc.

BUT, it the amount of time you are filling in for DH is WAY TOO MUCH. If DH is making the big $$$, then you should be spending this on a mother's helper or nanny or activities for the kids which give you a break. Also, you should be spending some time away from kids doing what you want to do for you -- spa time, taking a class, seeing friends, whatever. This is essential to your personal development and well-being. Don't be a martyr. You are setting the best example for your kids when you are taking care of yourself and developing yourself.

What you DO need to focus on isn't the amount of time that DH spends with DS, but rather the quality of that time. You shouldn't be telling your DH that SN son needs to see him more. That is likely to be perceived as critical and thus will be ineffective. Ask DH to participate in therapy (like you do) about SN son. A good therapist will know how to deliver a mixture of patient/parent education about the LD and mental issues, goal-setting (instead of criticism) and parenting support to the parent. In other words, therapist should be delivering the message that SN son needs to spend more time with Dad, as well as strategizing with Dad privately about why SN son behaves the way he does and useful and enjoyable activities SN son and DH can do together. Therapist should be consulting with you after he/she and DH formulate a plan so that you can support it by watching other kids, etc. IME, DH has less time with SN child and thus a weaker understanding of SN child's strengths and weaknesses and how to structure successful, pleasant interaction. (My DS has a language disorder, so DH often didn't understand what DS wanted or how to play successfully with him.)

Finally, why is Sunday such a big deal? The compromise is obvious. You are taking one kid away for 2 days. Presumably DH is watching SN kid. Neither of you get to do what you would like on Fri/Sat, so you split Sun as follows -- 1 special event for a couple of hours that Mom picks because it is Mother's Day, and then the rest of the day is split between the two parents, each choosing to do what they want. If DH wants to go golfing for 4 hours, fine. But you do a Mother's Day event together for 2 hours and then Mom gets 4 hours to herself for whatever. Problem solved. Hire a sitter if need be.

I understand your view point, but to clarify, my son has physical health issues and mental health issues (possibly bi polar) and my daughter has the LDS , my son too but minor compared to his other stuff. They both have ADD. It's tough around here and my son's health needs neccisitate one of us being here, can't have a sitter for longer than a few hours. His mental health needs further narrow the world of who can step in to help take care of him. I get it, I have days I don't want to be here either, it's hard stuff and often painful, but I signed up for this and I love my son,so we take one day at a time. I'm just curious to be left holding the bag as it were, not having a partner either as a husband or as a parent or even just as a friend.

OP, you have a lot of challenges. I'm not taking that away from you. But you aren't the only one who can take care of your kids. Obviously a 16 year old babysitter won't work for their needs but you can work with a service to find a trained healthcare professional who can help with your kids while you take care of yourself. It will take longer than finding a 16 year old sitter but be well worth it in the end. It sounds like even a few hours a week of a respite will make you feel a lot better, I am sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a sahm and my husband has an intense job. To be honest, it's a relatively new position that I asked him not to take as we have a child with physical and mental health issues. I don't really care about the extra money , as we were doing more than fine before this. He wants to golf every weekend often multiple times in a weekend. This weekend I am taking my daughter and a friend on an overnight fur her birthday. Leave Friday home Saturday. He wants to golf Mother's Day as he won't be able to Friday or Saturday. He travels or is home late 3 to 4 days in the week. Our son sees a therapist and lack of time with dad has clearly emerged as an issue. My husband gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it. He says he works the 60 hour work week and should be able to do what he wants on the weekends. My one child is extremely difficult and my other is intense in different ways as has some tough learning disabilities. While I don't work, I'm the only parent from 6-8 am and 3-10 pm almost every night and am solo most of the weekend. The Mother's Day golf thing just threw me and I said I really don't like him much anymore. Not nice, I know but Im afraid it's true. Thoughts? WWYD?

Your DH is a dick OP. I have 3 kids, haven't played golf in almost 3 years. If it doesn't take a village, it certainly takes BOTH the parents to raise kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Your husband is being a selfish asshole. I can't believe he asked to golf on Mothers Day. Its Mothers Day for crying out loud! You should get a break, not him! That alone would send me over the edge.

Having a special needs child is so difficult (I have one) and it sounds like yours has some serious challenges. I agree that he might be doing some of this to tune out and stay in denial about your child with special needs. But maybe he is just a selfish jerk regardless.

So you have a couple of options
1 - accept his selfish behavior and use the extra $$ to get all the therapy you can for your son, and pay for babysitters, house cleaners...whatever you need in order to get a break. Put away money for yourself and start thinking about how you would manage everything on your own.

or

2 - Insist right now that he commit to going to couples therapy and working on your marriage by making you and his children a priority. And if doesn't then he can kiss your marriage goodbye. Obviously that is a really difficult card to play because you SAH and aren't making any income and would still be the main caregiver of your son.

He is treating you and your children like doormats. He needs a serious wake up call.

This OP, except that I would do option1 while I still work on option 2.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, much as the rest of the posters have stated, you should try to get your husband into couples counseling. Is he golfing as a way to escape from your home life? You said yourself that things aren't easy. My DH has a tendency to escape/disengage and I have to call him on it when he is doing so because he doesn't even realize. It well could be easier for him to escape by holding than deal with the reality of your children's needs. Your unhappiness with him over his disappearing act probably helps snowball...you know, you get mad (understandably!) because he is golfing all the time. So you take out your anger verbally on him. He gets frustrated because you are mad at him and taking your anger out on him, so he golfs more. So you get more mad. It's easy for communication to easily go down the tubes through a vicious cycle such as this. Therapy can help you guys communicate better and ultimately get to the root of why he seems to need to golf all of the time. Why he needs to escape and can't deal with life.

All of the posters telling you to divorce though, I would hesitate to move forward on that front. I have several friends who have divorced and got screwed in the process. There is a chance that you can go from relying on his income (but not him) to having neither he or his income to rely on.

[Anonymous]

when DW and I had our children. I gave up lots of activities, because my children became my priority and who I wanted to spend time with, not golfing.
I have friends who I work with that need "their time" and even mention that the children complain about not seeing dad. Everyday off I spend almost entirely with my children, without DW. I tell her to go out and enjoy her free time, while we enjoy our guy time

[Anonymous]

DH here. It's good to see friends and so on, but family takes priority. What we do is I got out with the guys for drinks one night a month on average (and I leave after the kids are in bed), then will be gone for a mini-trip (long weekend 1-2x a year).

[Anonymous]

There is something very sad about a man who has to be shamed into spending time with his own children.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to think about the tutoring or special needs nanny option. Or both. Even to have someone else in the house is helpful. I totally get not being able to leave them for long periods of time, but having someone come in and sit with them for a bit to do homework could be really helpful. You could get to make dinner in peace. Or if you would prefer...get a chef instead and you do homework. You really need help with all your burdens.

Once you can step back a bit and get some energy to fight with him again, then start marriage therapy.