Reply to I am so angry at my husband-- how do you handle silent withdrawal?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I didn't say he shuts down whenever I criticize him. I said he shuts down whenever I say anything that bothers him. Sometimes that is something critical. But often it is a something so subtle that only he even know what it is (and I find out only later). He goes silent because.... He felt that I wasn't listening to him carefully enough when he said something to be while I was juggling two pots of boiling liquid on the stove.  Or because i asked someone else for her opinion on a subject on which he feels he is an expert, thereby, to him, suggesting that I do t respect his expertise. Or because he said "let's go do Such and such" and I said "I'd rather not, could we do that tomorrow?"

That's part of the problem. I can't predict what will set him off.  Sometimes he is cheerful and resilient and self-aware. Other times something that seems completely random will send him into a surly withdrawal for days.

I have gotten better at doing what a PP suggested- just saying, "ok, I see you're upset about something," I'm happy to talk when you're ready but for now I'll do do something else."

Problem is, often that just prolongs the sulk because then he feels abandoned! If I "really cared" I wouldn't just go off and do things without him.

When not in a sulk, by the way, he says things like "I know this is not a good way to respond, I'm sorry, I get trapped on my own emotions and j do t know how to break out," and he promises to go get therapy. (He also has intermittent explosive rages where he yells and threatens to walk out. These are his two "upset" modes: silence or screaming. But he has so far seen three counsellors and found some reason to ditch each one after one or two sessions.  (The shrink talked about herself too much. The shrink rescheduled an appointment. The shrink pushed meds and he doesn't want meds." Etc.

And yeah, I am seeing a counselor myself, on the "you can't change another person, you can only change how you respond to him" theory.

I'm just really frustrated. He's a wonderful partner much of the time, funny and loving and smart. But when somethingsg triggers him, all bets are off. [/quote]

Your examples make him sound pretty narcissistic. Cant take mild criticism and gets offended that you asked someone else for advice? It sounds like he has issues beyond simply not knowing how to handle conflict in a mature way.[/quote]

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