Do you feed in-laws when they visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have some containers of frozen spaghetti sauce in the freezer. Pasta, sauce, salad, done!!

So not the point.

[Anonymous]

Ditto: So not the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the context really matters. Do they drop by unannounced? How many times per week do they visit?

I would say on average 2 to 3 times a week. What normally happens is that one person will ask me if they can drop by our house for a few, but before I know it it's a party. They normally call each other up to see who else want to tag along. That part annoys because 1. I am not great with surprises 2. I get overwhelmed with a big number of unexpected visitors 3. Feeding picky/high maintenance in-laws is not easy.

I do stock some of their favorite snacks in my panty and leave it out on the kitchen counter or dining table. They just stare at it saying how snacks won't do it for them.

This is just me but i never expect anything other than a bottle of water when I visit them. If I am hungry I wil try to eat something before I get to someone's house not unless I have been invited for a meal.

I think I am just starting to get resentful of the whole thing. The other day BIL stopped by, I greeting him and he was like " I am starting." I work from home so I have a little flexibility but I don't want to be preparing a meal at 3 PM on a weekday.

[Anonymous]

* greeted - sorry for the typos

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the context really matters. Do they drop by unannounced? How many times per week do they visit?

I would say on average 2 to 3 times a week. What normally happens is that one person will ask me if they can drop by our house for a few, but before I know it it's a party. They normally call each other up to see who else want to tag along. That part annoys because 1. I am not great with surprises 2. I get overwhelmed with a big number of unexpected visitors 3. Feeding picky/high maintenance in-laws is not easy.

I do stock some of their favorite snacks in my panty and leave it out on the kitchen counter or dining table. They just stare at it saying how snacks won't do it for them.

This is just me but i never expect anything other than a bottle of water when I visit them. If I am hungry I wil try to eat something before I get to someone's house not unless I have been invited for a meal.

I think I am just starting to get resentful of the whole thing. The other day BIL stopped by, I greeting him and he was like " I am starting." I work from home so I have a little flexibility but I don't want to be preparing a meal at 3 PM on a weekday.

You've gotten good advice on here, OP. So what are you going to do?

Your best bet: "Sure, come on over. I'm not planning a big meal, so eat before or feel free to bring something with you to heat up. I will have light snacks around." Or the PPs suggestion: "I'll do the chilli, you bring the corn bread and fruit salad."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the context really matters. Do they drop by unannounced? How many times per week do they visit?

I would say on average 2 to 3 times a week. What normally happens is that one person will ask me if they can drop by our house for a few, but before I know it it's a party. They normally call each other up to see who else want to tag along. That part annoys because 1. I am not great with surprises 2. I get overwhelmed with a big number of unexpected visitors 3. Feeding picky/high maintenance in-laws is not easy.

I do stock some of their favorite snacks in my panty and leave it out on the kitchen counter or dining table. They just stare at it saying how snacks won't do it for them.

This is just me but i never expect anything other than a bottle of water when I visit them. If I am hungry I wil try to eat something before I get to someone's house not unless I have been invited for a meal.

I think I am just starting to get resentful of the whole thing. The other day BIL stopped by, I greeting him and he was like " I am starting." I work from home so I have a little flexibility but I don't want to be preparing a meal at 3 PM on a weekday.

This is insane! Though, there is something nice to having family feel comfortable enough to stop by whenever...but why is your BIL stopping by in the middle of a workday? And can't you tell him you're working?

The bigger issue, though, I think is just the overall rudeness of your ILs. This is something that really only your DH can handle...and hopefully he can be upfront with his own brother! He should just tell him that you all are getting tired of having to prepare meals for them whenever they come over, especially uninvited. He can say that you still enjoy their company, but they either need to pitch in or eat before coming. Also, that you can't cater to them whenever they come. Because my sister lives close to my parents, of us siblings we all end spending the most time at her house (brother and I are out-of-state and we spend time with both parents and my sister when we visit). At some point my sister flat out pointed out that it gets really expensive and to be a hassle when we're all in town for the holidays dropping by etc (and this is just a couple times of year). So we're more conscientious about pitching in $ and help. Is it possible that your ILs don't realize this is putting you out so they keep doing it?

[Anonymous]

Is there some sort of financial issue? Can they not afford food? I didn't really think about it until you mentioned grown adults coming over in the middle of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came from a family where you feed people, even if it's a burden on you. I would keep baguettes in your freezer, olives and tapenade in your pantry, and bring them out if the in laws are there. Chips and salsa. Some baby carrots and hummus. No need to make a meal unless you invited them for a meal, but don't be a poor hostess unless you truly truly can't afford bread and olives.

+1

Offer something to any guest, particularly if it is around mealtime. Always. It is considered cheap not to - since you asked.

This American thinking of always having your guests bring food is mind boggling to me, unless it's a potluck.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP's. I have definitely received great advice here and I am very greatful. Sometimes one needs a neutral party for advice esp when it comes to family. I am not sure they understand how much this puts stress on us. It is a close family so everyone is always visiting each other. I am a little of an introvert so I don't visit them as often. Next time they visit without an invite I will just be like - Hello! Great to see you. I have some stuff on the counter, and you could help yourself to drinks in the fridge." Haha

[Anonymous]

If I'm serving food you'll know it. "Hope your hungry I'm frying chicken wings and fries or oh, I'll order pizza for all." If you don't hear similar words you should be prepared to leave when it approaches dinner time. This was in the beginning of the marriage for hubby's friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came from a family where you feed people, even if it's a burden on you. I would keep baguettes in your freezer, olives and tapenade in your pantry, and bring them out if the in laws are there. Chips and salsa. Some baby carrots and hummus. No need to make a meal unless you invited them for a meal, but don't be a poor hostess unless you truly truly can't afford bread and olives.

+1

Offer something to any guest, particularly if it is around mealtime. Always. It is considered cheap not to - since you asked.

This American thinking of always having your guests bring food is mind boggling to me, unless it's a potluck.

Have you read the posts? OP seems to go out of her way to keep her pantry stocked with snacks, but then her ILs (who visit multiple times a week) say those snacks are not sufficient and they want a meal. And the meal that OP is preparing for herself (e.g. salad) is not sufficient, so can she make something else or order carry out. This isn't a simple, do you feed your guests when they visit question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came from a family where you feed people, even if it's a burden on you. I would keep baguettes in your freezer, olives and tapenade in your pantry, and bring them out if the in laws are there. Chips and salsa. Some baby carrots and hummus. No need to make a meal unless you invited them for a meal, but don't be a poor hostess unless you truly truly can't afford bread and olives.

+1

Offer something to any guest, particularly if it is around mealtime. Always. It is considered cheap not to - since you asked.

This American thinking of always having your guests bring food is mind boggling to me, unless it's a potluck.

First of all, guests who are family are different from guest-guests. Secondly, HELLO, these people are CLEARLY taking advantage of OP: dropping by unannounced, demanding food. Rude "guests" = the finer points of etiquette are a bit moot.

[Anonymous]

I came from a family where we always fed people and I used to feel like I had to cook a decent meal for my MIL. She would always find a reason why she couldn't eat it or wasn't hungry, only to be starving and want something different minutes later. Now I put a generic frozen cheese pizza in the oven when I know she's coming and leave it on the stove when it's done. I offer when she arrives but if she refuses I say she is welcome to help herself if she gets hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP's. I have definitely received great advice here and I am very greatful. Sometimes one needs a neutral party for advice esp when it comes to family. I am not sure they understand how much this puts stress on us. It is a close family so everyone is always visiting each other. I am a little of an introvert so I don't visit them as often. Next time they visit without an invite I will just be like - Hello! Great to see you. I have some stuff on the counter, and you could help yourself to drinks in the fridge." Haha

OP, I like this approach you're considering. Do it.

If you like them otherwise and this is the one and only bugaboo, you're doing OK. Enjoy the positives about them and just let any comments about meals slide. They are not thinking and probably would be appalled with themselves if they realized that you find their eating expectations excessive. It's great that the family is close and visits readily and happily so that's a good thing; it's just a matter of, for lack of a better word, retraining them on this one thing.

You've inadvertently established an expectation in their minds that your family will pony up with a full meal, even if it's takeout, every time they come over. Now you can establish a new expectation--that you will have cold cuts and bread and paper plates out, and that's the deal at your house, every time. If they grouse, paste on a huge smile and say cheerily, "We're kind of over take-out, and we just ate before you got here, so feel free to help yourself as needed, as we're done with lunch/dinner ourselves." Then change the topic immediately: "How about that Jenny? Her recital was great, wasn't it?" And so on. You'll have to do this over and over and might endure some grumping from them until they realize that you really mean it; you're not ordering out or cooking any more.

It's just not at all about being hospitable, as others seem to think on this thread. It's about guests who are close and nice, but unthinking.

I wonder a bit, too, if the fact that you work from home makes some of them believe that you're free to drop whatever you're doing and be hostess. I think I might have some big-time "work deadlines" pop up a few times: "I'm sorry, but we'll need to say goodbye before 2:00 -- I have a phone call coming in then for work, and it's going to take at least an hour on the phone, and I have a report due online by 5:00." For me, that kind of statement would actually be true, and I couldn't have folks just come and roost for food and chatting without an ending time agreed upon. Does that make me inhospitable? No, it makes me employed!

[Anonymous]

You invite people over at a meal time, you provide a nice meal. They show up, you offer what you have on hand and would make anyway. If they are informal enough to randomly appear, I see no problem with being similarly informal. I was making a salad for lunch. Would you like some too? No? Well, if you get hungry, feel free to rummage in the refrigerator and heat up some leftovers or make a sandwich. Nothing appeals? I'm sorry, we haven't been to the store in a few days and are running low on supplies. If you tell me what you had in mind, I can probably suggest somewhere nearby where YOU can get some take out. You may want to call BIL and SIL and anyone else who is going to make an appearance and see if YOU can get something for them too. Or maybe ask BIL and SIL to pick something up on their way over.

Repeat as needed until expectations have been appropriately adjusted. In the meantime, just ignore or misinterpret hints and strong suggestions that you play short order cook.