Do you feed in-laws when they visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All my in-laws live within a 20 minutes radius so they drop by often and most of the time it's usually around 1 PM or after 5 PM. I am just wondering what is common... I feel like they always expect to be fed at my house. Sometimes when they drop by I will offer them snacks and drink but mostly they say they "haven't eaten anything all day so good would be great." DH and I don't do lunches and if we do it's usually salad. My in-laws hate salad and they don't consider any food without meat food. Sometimes I have all 3 of them with their wives and kids visit at the same time so those are a lot of mouths to feed.

My DH and I have spoken time and again that it's not fair that they don't bring or offer to chip in to buying takeout/delivery so we shouldn't be going out of our way. We feel guilty so we end up ordering food.

How do you guys handles in-laws visits? Do you always provide or order food? What kind?

TACKY.

Would you do that to your adult children and their spouses? Meal planning is tough enough with a family, to have moochers dropping by essentially demanding to be cooked and fed a meal.

Your DH needs to speak with them about this, you do not run a restaurant. If they want to go out for dinner or take turns cooking, then you need to mutually plan the dates and switch off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came from a family where you feed people, even if it's a burden on you. I would keep baguettes in your freezer, olives and tapenade in your pantry, and bring them out if the in laws are there. Chips and salsa. Some baby carrots and hummus. No need to make a meal unless you invited them for a meal, but don't be a poor hostess unless you truly truly can't afford bread and olives.

+1

Offer something to any guest, particularly if it is around mealtime. Always. It is considered cheap not to - since you asked.

This American thinking of always having your guests bring food is mind boggling to me, unless it's a potluck.

You mean not being self-centered? dropping in at people's houses to get few meals every week?
It's not like OP is sitting around, grocery shopping and cooking all day long like in the Old Country where women just stay home with no options. She has a FT job and works from home. They might even have kids, so then less time to cater to grown adults all the time.

[Anonymous]

Are you okay with them stopping by all the time? That would drive me insane. We have no family close by, so when people come to visit, they stay with us and I plan to feed them all meals. I would go crazy if someone showed up at my house randomly in the middle of the day and wanted food. Is this a cultural thing for DH's family?

If someone comes over and says they are starving, I would suggest they head back out for some food. Do you have kids? I don't just have salad fixings for 10 people in my fridge, just enough for my family.

Get the cheapest frozen pizza you can find and offer those. You don't need to go broke feeding rude relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came from a family where you feed people, even if it's a burden on you. I would keep baguettes in your freezer, olives and tapenade in your pantry, and bring them out if the in laws are there. Chips and salsa. Some baby carrots and hummus. No need to make a meal unless you invited them for a meal, but don't be a poor hostess unless you truly truly can't afford bread and olives.

+1

Offer something to any guest, particularly if it is around mealtime. Always. It is considered cheap not to - since you asked.

This American thinking of always having your guests bring food is mind boggling to me, unless it's a potluck.

You mean not being self-centered? dropping in at people's houses to get few meals every week?
It's not like OP is sitting around, grocery shopping and cooking all day long like in the Old Country where women just stay home with no options. She has a FT job and works from home. They might even have kids, so then less time to cater to grown adults all the time.

Food is the cheapest commodity in America.

You really have a hardship of planning and organization, not of finances.

You can make easy crockpot recipes like chili, pulled barbeque pork, bean soup etc. - and easily plan meals around those. Unless you are hurting for money, feeding family should not be something that gives you a pause. Throw in some dinner rolls, a green salad, some baked beans from the can, mac and cheese - and you are done.

The good part is that since you have a crowd to feed, you can do with these hearty meals instead of filet mignon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came from a family where you feed people, even if it's a burden on you. I would keep baguettes in your freezer, olives and tapenade in your pantry, and bring them out if the in laws are there. Chips and salsa. Some baby carrots and hummus. No need to make a meal unless you invited them for a meal, but don't be a poor hostess unless you truly truly can't afford bread and olives.

+1

Offer something to any guest, particularly if it is around mealtime. Always. It is considered cheap not to - since you asked.

This American thinking of always having your guests bring food is mind boggling to me, unless it's a potluck.

You mean not being self-centered? dropping in at people's houses to get few meals every week?
It's not like OP is sitting around, grocery shopping and cooking all day long like in the Old Country where women just stay home with no options. She has a FT job and works from home. They might even have kids, so then less time to cater to grown adults all the time.

Food is the cheapest commodity in America.

You really have a hardship of planning and organization, not of finances.

You can make easy crockpot recipes like chili, pulled barbeque pork, bean soup etc. - and easily plan meals around those. Unless you are hurting for money, feeding family should not be something that gives you a pause. Throw in some dinner rolls, a green salad, some baked beans from the can, mac and cheese - and you are done.

The good part is that since you have a crowd to feed, you can do with these hearty meals instead of filet mignon.

The doormat speaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the context really matters. Do they drop by unannounced? How many times per week do they visit?

I would say on average 2 to 3 times a week. What normally happens is that one person will ask me if they can drop by our house for a few, but before I know it it's a party. They normally call each other up to see who else want to tag along. That part annoys because 1. I am not great with surprises 2. I get overwhelmed with a big number of unexpected visitors 3. Feeding picky/high maintenance in-laws is not easy.

I do stock some of their favorite snacks in my panty and leave it out on the kitchen counter or dining table. They just stare at it saying how snacks won't do it for them.

This is just me but i never expect anything other than a bottle of water when I visit them. If I am hungry I wil try to eat something before I get to someone's house not unless I have been invited for a meal.

I think I am just starting to get resentful of the whole thing. The other day BIL stopped by, I greeting him and he was like " I am starting." I work from home so I have a little flexibility but I don't want to be preparing a meal at 3 PM on a weekday.

OP you are going to have to toughen up! Just like other posters have said. In this case from the other day with BIL, I would (1) have told him that it wasn't a good time to come by; and (2) if he said he was starving I probably would have looked at him in a confused way and said something along the lines of, then go get some food - what does that have to do with me? I'm working, talk to you later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came from a family where you feed people, even if it's a burden on you. I would keep baguettes in your freezer, olives and tapenade in your pantry, and bring them out if the in laws are there. Chips and salsa. Some baby carrots and hummus. No need to make a meal unless you invited them for a meal, but don't be a poor hostess unless you truly truly can't afford bread and olives.

+1

Offer something to any guest, particularly if it is around mealtime. Always. It is considered cheap not to - since you asked.

This American thinking of always having your guests bring food is mind boggling to me, unless it's a potluck.

You mean not being self-centered? dropping in at people's houses to get few meals every week?
It's not like OP is sitting around, grocery shopping and cooking all day long like in the Old Country where women just stay home with no options. She has a FT job and works from home. They might even have kids, so then less time to cater to grown adults all the time.

Food is the cheapest commodity in America.

You really have a hardship of planning and organization, not of finances.

You can make easy crockpot recipes like chili, pulled barbeque pork, bean soup etc. - and easily plan meals around those. Unless you are hurting for money, feeding family should not be something that gives you a pause. Throw in some dinner rolls, a green salad, some baked beans from the can, mac and cheese - and you are done.

The good part is that since you have a crowd to feed, you can do with these hearty meals instead of filet mignon.

The doormat speaks.

NP here. I'm not "hurting for money," but we are working for money for my kids' college and our retirement, not to feed grown-ass relatives several meals a month. I will offer you cheese, crackers and fruit. Expect more? Here's a Thai menu. If you want to plan gatherings with me, great. Sometimes I'll host, sometimes I'll suggest potluck for family. And maybe sometimes YOU host. See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came from a family where you feed people, even if it's a burden on you. I would keep baguettes in your freezer, olives and tapenade in your pantry, and bring them out if the in laws are there. Chips and salsa. Some baby carrots and hummus. No need to make a meal unless you invited them for a meal, but don't be a poor hostess unless you truly truly can't afford bread and olives.

+1

Offer something to any guest, particularly if it is around mealtime. Always. It is considered cheap not to - since you asked.

This American thinking of always having your guests bring food is mind boggling to me, unless it's a potluck.

You mean not being self-centered? dropping in at people's houses to get few meals every week?
It's not like OP is sitting around, grocery shopping and cooking all day long like in the Old Country where women just stay home with no options. She has a FT job and works from home. They might even have kids, so then less time to cater to grown adults all the time.

Food is the cheapest commodity in America.

You really have a hardship of planning and organization, not of finances.

You can make easy crockpot recipes like chili, pulled barbeque pork, bean soup etc. - and easily plan meals around those. Unless you are hurting for money, feeding family should not be something that gives you a pause. Throw in some dinner rolls, a green salad, some baked beans from the can, mac and cheese - and you are done.

The good part is that since you have a crowd to feed, you can do with these hearty meals instead of filet mignon.

The doormat speaks.

Seriously. It isn't just a cost thing. It's a time, inconvenience, and lack of reciprocation. Maybe PP is one of the in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the context really matters. Do they drop by unannounced? How many times per week do they visit?

I would say on average 2 to 3 times a week. What normally happens is that one person will ask me if they can drop by our house for a few, but before I know it it's a party. They normally call each other up to see who else want to tag along. That part annoys because 1. I am not great with surprises 2. I get overwhelmed with a big number of unexpected visitors 3. Feeding picky/high maintenance in-laws is not easy.

I do stock some of their favorite snacks in my panty and leave it out on the kitchen counter or dining table. They just stare at it saying how snacks won't do it for them.

This is just me but i never expect anything other than a bottle of water when I visit them. If I am hungry I wil try to eat something before I get to someone's house not unless I have been invited for a meal.

I think I am just starting to get resentful of the whole thing. The other day BIL stopped by, I greeting him and he was like " I am starting." I work from home so I have a little flexibility but I don't want to be preparing a meal at 3 PM on a weekday.

You've gotten good advice on here, OP. So what are you going to do?

Your best bet: "Sure, come on over. I'm not planning a big meal, so eat before or feel free to bring something with you to heat up. I will have light snacks around." Or the PPs suggestion: "I'll do the chilli, you bring the corn bread and fruit salad."

This. "I'm not planning a big meal, we'll just have snacks, just FYI!".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the context really matters. Do they drop by unannounced? How many times per week do they visit?

I would say on average 2 to 3 times a week. What normally happens is that one person will ask me if they can drop by our house for a few, but before I know it it's a party. They normally call each other up to see who else want to tag along. That part annoys because 1. I am not great with surprises 2. I get overwhelmed with a big number of unexpected visitors 3. Feeding picky/high maintenance in-laws is not easy.

I do stock some of their favorite snacks in my panty and leave it out on the kitchen counter or dining table. They just stare at it saying how snacks won't do it for them.

This is just me but i never expect anything other than a bottle of water when I visit them. If I am hungry I wil try to eat something before I get to someone's house not unless I have been invited for a meal.

I think I am just starting to get resentful of the whole thing. The other day BIL stopped by, I greeting him and he was like " I am starting." I work from home so I have a little flexibility but I don't want to be preparing a meal at 3 PM on a weekday.

(1) When they call and ask if they can drop by, tell them no.
(2) When they stare at the snacks and say "That's not going to do it for me," say, "Oh, well, feel free to help yourself to the cold cuts and cheese in the fridge. Dinner is in X hours, and we're having Y. Speaking of which, I need to finish up this project now so I can start dinner on time." Then leave. And don't change your planned dinner.
(3) When they walk in your house and announce that they are starving, see (2).

It's not okay to show up at someone else's house and demand that they cook you a meal to your liking.

[Anonymous]

OP, next time they say they're "starving," say me too, where you takin me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the context really matters. Do they drop by unannounced? How many times per week do they visit?

I would say on average 2 to 3 times a week. What normally happens is that one person will ask me if they can drop by our house for a few, but before I know it it's a party. They normally call each other up to see who else want to tag along. That part annoys because 1. I am not great with surprises 2. I get overwhelmed with a big number of unexpected visitors 3. Feeding picky/high maintenance in-laws is not easy.

I do stock some of their favorite snacks in my panty and leave it out on the kitchen counter or dining table. They just stare at it saying how snacks won't do it for them.

This is just me but i never expect anything other than a bottle of water when I visit them. If I am hungry I wil try to eat something before I get to someone's house not unless I have been invited for a meal.

I think I am just starting to get resentful of the whole thing. The other day BIL stopped by, I greeting him and he was like " I am starting." I work from home so I have a little flexibility but I don't want to be preparing a meal at 3 PM on a weekday.

(1) When they call and ask if they can drop by, tell them no.
(2) When they stare at the snacks and say "That's not going to do it for me," say, "Oh, well, feel free to help yourself to the cold cuts and cheese in the fridge. Dinner is in X hours, and we're having Y. Speaking of which, I need to finish up this project now so I can start dinner on time." Then leave. And don't change your planned dinner.
(3) When they walk in your house and announce that they are starving, see (2).

It's not okay to show up at someone else's house and demand that they cook you a meal to your liking.

The problem with #2 is that I, at least, don't always make enough food to feed people outside my family. OP shouldn't be expected to always make double recipes and/or have cold cuts in the fridge just in case hungry relatives rudely descend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the context really matters. Do they drop by unannounced? How many times per week do they visit?

I would say on average 2 to 3 times a week. What normally happens is that one person will ask me if they can drop by our house for a few, but before I know it it's a party. They normally call each other up to see who else want to tag along. That part annoys because 1. I am not great with surprises 2. I get overwhelmed with a big number of unexpected visitors 3. Feeding picky/high maintenance in-laws is not easy.

I do stock some of their favorite snacks in my panty and leave it out on the kitchen counter or dining table. They just stare at it saying how snacks won't do it for them.

This is just me but i never expect anything other than a bottle of water when I visit them. If I am hungry I wil try to eat something before I get to someone's house not unless I have been invited for a meal.

I think I am just starting to get resentful of the whole thing. The other day BIL stopped by, I greeting him and he was like " I am starting." I work from home so I have a little flexibility but I don't want to be preparing a meal at 3 PM on a weekday.

You've gotten good advice on here, OP. So what are you going to do?

Your best bet: "Sure, come on over. I'm not planning a big meal, so eat before or feel free to bring something with you to heat up. I will have light snacks around." Or the PPs suggestion: "I'll do the chilli, you bring the corn bread and fruit salad."

This. "I'm not planning a big meal, we'll just have snacks, just FYI!".

This seems super awkward to say. OP shouldn't bring up food unless they do first and/or she actually wants them to stay for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came from a family where you feed people, even if it's a burden on you. I would keep baguettes in your freezer, olives and tapenade in your pantry, and bring them out if the in laws are there. Chips and salsa. Some baby carrots and hummus. No need to make a meal unless you invited them for a meal, but don't be a poor hostess unless you truly truly can't afford bread and olives.

+1

Offer something to any guest, particularly if it is around mealtime. Always. It is considered cheap not to - since you asked.

This American thinking of always having your guests bring food is mind boggling to me, unless it's a potluck.

You mean not being self-centered? dropping in at people's houses to get few meals every week?
It's not like OP is sitting around, grocery shopping and cooking all day long like in the Old Country where women just stay home with no options. She has a FT job and works from home. They might even have kids, so then less time to cater to grown adults all the time.

Food is the cheapest commodity in America.

You really have a hardship of planning and organization, not of finances.

You can make easy crockpot recipes like chili, pulled barbeque pork, bean soup etc. - and easily plan meals around those. Unless you are hurting for money, feeding family should not be something that gives you a pause. Throw in some dinner rolls, a green salad, some baked beans from the can, mac and cheese - and you are done.

The good part is that since you have a crowd to feed, you can do with these hearty meals instead of filet mignon.

great, send me your address so I can stop buying $400 of groceries and week, stop cooking 3x a week, stop cleaning up dishes each meal and just visit you when I'm hungry. sounds fantastic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came from a family where you feed people, even if it's a burden on you. I would keep baguettes in your freezer, olives and tapenade in your pantry, and bring them out if the in laws are there. Chips and salsa. Some baby carrots and hummus. No need to make a meal unless you invited them for a meal, but don't be a poor hostess unless you truly truly can't afford bread and olives.

+1

Offer something to any guest, particularly if it is around mealtime. Always. It is considered cheap not to - since you asked.

This American thinking of always having your guests bring food is mind boggling to me, unless it's a potluck.

You mean not being self-centered? dropping in at people's houses to get few meals every week?
It's not like OP is sitting around, grocery shopping and cooking all day long like in the Old Country where women just stay home with no options. She has a FT job and works from home. They might even have kids, so then less time to cater to grown adults all the time.

Food is the cheapest commodity in America.

You really have a hardship of planning and organization, not of finances.

You can make easy crockpot recipes like chili, pulled barbeque pork, bean soup etc. - and easily plan meals around those. Unless you are hurting for money, feeding family should not be something that gives you a pause. Throw in some dinner rolls, a green salad, some baked beans from the can, mac and cheese - and you are done.

The good part is that since you have a crowd to feed, you can do with these hearty meals instead of filet mignon.

The doormat speaks.

NP here. I'm not "hurting for money," but we are working for money for my kids' college and our retirement, not to feed grown-ass relatives several meals a month. I will offer you cheese, crackers and fruit. Expect more? Here's a Thai menu. If you want to plan gatherings with me, great. Sometimes I'll host, sometimes I'll suggest potluck for family. And maybe sometimes YOU host. See how that works?

DITTO. These visitors need to think of someone besides themselves all the time. Clueless and self-centered is no excuse for sustained, rude behavior. OP's DH should have fixed this long ago.