Do you feed in-laws when they visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Food is the cheapest commodity in America.

You really have a hardship of planning and organization, not of finances.

You can make easy crockpot recipes like chili, pulled barbeque pork, bean soup etc. - and easily plan meals around those. Unless you are hurting for money, feeding family should not be something that gives you a pause. Throw in some dinner rolls, a green salad, some baked beans from the can, mac and cheese - and you are done.

The good part is that since you have a crowd to feed, you can do with these hearty meals instead of filet mignon.

This is ridiculous. OP's BIL calls her up at 11am on a weekday (when she's working from home) and says he's dropping by at 1pm. OP is supposed to drop everything and whip up a crockpot of chili to feed him? Especially when OP won't be eating the chili herself. I don't think OP would have a problem providing meals for planned visits that were scheduled for mealtimes...it's the last minute visits that are the issue. And while food might be a cheap commodity in the US, time is not. So understandably she ends up ordering food at these times instead of spending time cooking it...at which point the food itself also stops being cheap.

[Anonymous]

ILs have made it clear that hosting involves feeding them. So when they want to drop by, say no unless you are up for feeding them. You are working from home so you really shouldn't be entertaining in the middle of the day anyway. Would they come to a regular office and ask to be entertained?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the context really matters. Do they drop by unannounced? How many times per week do they visit?

I would say on average 2 to 3 times a week. What normally happens is that one person will ask me if they can drop by our house for a few, but before I know it it's a party. They normally call each other up to see who else want to tag along. That part annoys because 1. I am not great with surprises 2. I get overwhelmed with a big number of unexpected visitors 3. Feeding picky/high maintenance in-laws is not easy.

I do stock some of their favorite snacks in my panty and leave it out on the kitchen counter or dining table. They just stare at it saying how snacks won't do it for them.

This is just me but i never expect anything other than a bottle of water when I visit them. If I am hungry I wil try to eat something before I get to someone's house not unless I have been invited for a meal.

I think I am just starting to get resentful of the whole thing. The other day BIL stopped by, I greeting him and he was like " I am starting." I work from home so I have a little flexibility but I don't want to be preparing a meal at 3 PM on a weekday.

(1) When they call and ask if they can drop by, tell them no.
(2) When they stare at the snacks and say "That's not going to do it for me," say, "Oh, well, feel free to help yourself to the cold cuts and cheese in the fridge. Dinner is in X hours, and we're having Y. Speaking of which, I need to finish up this project now so I can start dinner on time." Then leave. And don't change your planned dinner.
(3) When they walk in your house and announce that they are starving, see (2).

It's not okay to show up at someone else's house and demand that they cook you a meal to your liking.

The problem with #2 is that I, at least, don't always make enough food to feed people outside my family. OP shouldn't be expected to always make double recipes and/or have cold cuts in the fridge just in case hungry relatives rudely descend.

So adjust the statements. "Oh, well, feel free to help yourself to X or Y." Or, "Oh, well, if you want to run out and get something to eat, that's fine. I'll be finishing up a project in my office." The point is to make it clear that their being hungry but unwilling to eat the snacks you have provided is not your problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ILs have made it clear that hosting involves feeding them. So when they want to drop by, say no unless you are up for feeding them. You are working from home so you really shouldn't be entertaining in the middle of the day anyway. Would they come to a regular office and ask to be entertained?

+1

When they call to say they are stopping by, tell them it's not a good time because you are working. If they are rude enough to show up anyway, say hi, point them to the chips and salsa, and head back into your home office.

[Anonymous]

We order pizza every time. If they want something else, they know to go elsewhere. I don't cook for my in-laws because they are so picky: dieting,lactose-intolerant, not too spicy, can't eat too many carbs, too salty, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We order pizza every time. If they want something else, they know to go elsewhere. I don't cook for my in-laws because they are so picky: dieting,lactose-intolerant, not too spicy, can't eat too many carbs, too salty, etc.

+ 1.

I will order in pizza or chinese food when unexpected guests visit during meal times because it is cheap and convenient. So, how many pizzas will be needed per week to feed OP's ILs? Lets say it is 3 pizzas per visit and two visits a week. So 24 pizzas a month. It will still be less than $400 per month. Which is peanuts for most people in DCUMland.

[Anonymous]

24 frozen pizzas from costco will cost only $240.

[Anonymous]

So OP acknowledges that she's okay putting out snacks...so what about, in response to "I'm starving" or "i haven't eaten all day" you just say...oh here's some chips/apples/granola bars etc.. to tide you over until you guys go grab lunch/dinner (or "until you head home for lunch or dinner"). I think that's hospitable without being a short order cook. If it's meal time for you and DH you can always be say "sorry to kick you out/shorten the visit- but we need to eat/shower/finish chores before we get to XYZ this afternoon!"

You 100% do not need to keep a crockpot of meat around every day in case they come over...the poster who suggested that said you can "plan" easy meals...the key being that you can't plan for a crowd when they just swing by!

Another option would be to proactively invite them over for simple lunches or dinner on the weekends, to set the precedent that you are willing to host meals for the group, but that they need an invite first.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH home when they come? If so let him handle it. If not, when they call, "so sorry! Not a good time. H isn't home and I'm busy."

[Anonymous]

We eat out almost every meal when my MIL is here. She says I work too hard during the week and deserve a break, and she insists on paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We eat out almost every meal when my MIL is here. She says I work too hard during the week and deserve a break, and she insists on paying.

That's awesome! And likely very true!
I can't wait to be semi retired and watching my kids and grandkids grow, and treating them all for as long as I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP's. I have definitely received great advice here and I am very greatful. Sometimes one needs a neutral party for advice esp when it comes to family. I am not sure they understand how much this puts stress on us. It is a close family so everyone is always visiting each other. I am a little of an introvert so I don't visit them as often. Next time they visit without an invite I will just be like - Hello! Great to see you. I have some stuff on the counter, and you could help yourself to drinks in the fridge." Haha

Are you Indian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:24 frozen pizzas from costco will cost only $240.

Again, some more...not the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We order pizza every time. If they want something else, they know to go elsewhere. I don't cook for my in-laws because they are so picky: dieting,lactose-intolerant, not too spicy, can't eat too many carbs, too salty, etc.

+ 1.

I will order in pizza or chinese food when unexpected guests visit during meal times because it is cheap and convenient. So, how many pizzas will be needed per week to feed OP's ILs? Lets say it is 3 pizzas per visit and two visits a week. So 24 pizzas a month. It will still be less than $400 per month. Which is peanuts for most people in DCUMland.

Not the pooooiiiiiinnntttttt! The point is she's not obligated to drop everything and provide anything for these mooches...be it pizza, peanuts or pasta.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We order pizza every time. If they want something else, they know to go elsewhere. I don't cook for my in-laws because they are so picky: dieting,lactose-intolerant, not too spicy, can't eat too many carbs, too salty, etc.

+ 1.

I will order in pizza or chinese food when unexpected guests visit during meal times because it is cheap and convenient. So, how many pizzas will be needed per week to feed OP's ILs? Lets say it is 3 pizzas per visit and two visits a week. So 24 pizzas a month. It will still be less than $400 per month. Which is peanuts for most people in DCUMland.

Not the pooooiiiiiinnntttttt! The point is she's not obligated to drop everything and provide anything for these mooches...be it pizza, peanuts or pasta.

The mooches are family, unfortunately, and that's what makes it tricky since your actions never affect only you.