Regret marrying into Racist Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...rants on racial purity, yuck. What do you say when she does this? i would be PISSED. PISSED. And tell her never to talk like that again in your presence (or, kids, if you have them).

This is a good point. Do you have kids? If not, I would probably divorce. You can't ignore your ILs once you have kids, and they will influence your kids.

I really wish I had chosen a better father/family for my kids.

Not yet. I am honestly scared to think of having kids with them involved. I know my dh would make a wonderful kind father. His parents are kind loving people but their hearts are closed off to the muslim world and anyone who is not white. I've heard them speak ill of mexicans, blacks are of course the worst and even asian people.

I worry about my children being exposed to these conversations at the dinner table. I worry my MIL will try to force them to go to church. DH and I have talked about raising them loosely muslim but immersed in christian/american tradition such as Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Okay, so this is not the same thing, but there are parallels. I am South Indian and dark skinned. My husband is north indian and light-skinned. His parents hated me spot on, from the beginning, because I didn't speak the right language or have the 'ideal' skin color. Whatever. Like you, when they said racist things (and they said it about South Indians, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, everyone - other than north Indians), I'd hold my tongue, never respond with anything but a blank stare, and change the subject. My DH would rant at them but it didn't change things (they just got careful not to say racist stuff in front of him, but they'd say offensive things to me when we were alone). Like you, I was terrified about what this would mean about my kids. Fast forward a decade. For whatever reason, my own two kids look like me, and speak my language fluently. They have taken on my culture (my food, the music I grew up with, my religious leanings) without me shoving it down their throat - I don't emphasize that they take it on. But I don't apologize for who I am and ignored whatever BS the in-laws had to say about it.

Point it - you're their mom. Believe it or not you 'trump' everyone else. Your beliefs - whether you love your heritage or shy away from it - is what they will be exposed to far more than whatever toxicity comes from their grandparents. Mom and dad are the ocean, the rest of the world is just little raindrops.

This. I get on well with my in-laws, but I have made an effort to have my children speak my language. I have no qualms about speaking to them in my language in front of my in-laws. I also do most of the cooking at home so they eat a lot of dishes from my culture.

[Anonymous]

For many years, my Asian in-laws were fairly careful in what they said around me, and I spent little time with them.

At some point, I started having to spend time with them several times a week, and because I kept quiet and kept my smiling poker face on, they got used to me and see me as the token dumb white American. And whoa, did the racist talk come burbling out of them. It's like they're living in 1930 and it's fine to describe in detail their bigotry and talk about how disgusting they find us white, black, and hispanic people. They're so superficially polite and pleasant, but there's so much racism, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism, etc. And they go on and on about how ugly and fat we are and how bad we smell and how we're savages riddled with std's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

I get theres a current anti illegal immigrant, anti Syrian or muslim immigrant sentiment - a majority of Americans feel that way. They are scared and broke. But I've encountered arabs who get offended by anything. I'm arab, and I dont. I just know the old addage "how important is it," and also I try to remember where they are coming from, even if it is a place of ignorance.

But as for your MIL, I'm wondering if you aren't misinterpreting some of things. For instance, sounds like MIL thinks of you as, well, on her side of the fence I suppose. What I mean is, maybe she has no idea she is offending you because she doesn't look at you as some "other." Like, maybe her intentions towards you personally aren't malevolent.

And finally, there are all sorts of laws about immigration, written and unwritten. We deny entry to the US and green cards to people from all over the world. The prior owner of my home whos probably been dead a decade just had his immigrant nunber come up for a green card. He waited his whole life because he was filipino. Not everybody gets to just come here and get a green card, for various reasons. Wanting to do something about illegal immigration (it is ILLEGAL), and having concerns about national security about the vetting process for Syrian refugees doesn't make someone an awful person.

Your overall post just makes me wonder if you aren't exaggerating or taking things too personally, and maybe they keep to themselves walking on eggshells.

[Anonymous]

So, it's a little hard to figure out if you feel personally offended by your ILs opinions or are just disgusted by them. You say you are ME, but not sure if you are Muslim or not. If you are personally offended, then the fact that you are subjected to them and your DH doesn't say anything is a huge problem (for you and DH). If it's more a matter of disagreeing with their views, then it's annoying and I would limit time with them...but otherwise follow PPs advice of not making a big deal.

But, honestly, it's a little hard for me to see how this wouldn't be personally offensive. Your MIL talks about "racial purity", and I can only assume she doesn't consider ME to be white (or maybe she does, you don't really provide enough info). Being in a mixed ethnicity marriage myself, I would not let my kid anywhere near those attitudes. That's a personal offense to you and your DH and your future kids. Your kids, once they understand it, will take it the worst since it's really a statement about them.

In any case, though, it's up to your DH to navigate this. Probably asking them not to speak this way won't work, but it's up to him to essentially limit or even cut off contact with these people if that's what you want. The fact that you frequently have dinner/outings with them seems pretty unacceptable to me. Maybe your DH feels like they are not otherwise that bad, but if they are actively offending his wife, they are not nice people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I agree with the PP that you need to think of them as willfully ignorant and stupid. And, in the US culture, you absolutely do NOT marry the family. You marry your spouse and are required to be civil to your ILs but not deferential. Hugs.

Thank you.

So far, I am proud of taking the high road but it hurts. I think my MIL is a lovely woman and very living and giving to other white people. It just hurts to feel discriminated like this.

I'm sorry, but you cannot describe someone as a "lovely woman" and qualify that they are generous only to "white people" in the same sentence. There are many appalling racists and bigots throughout history (leaving aside even slave owners) who were generous to only their race. Maybe we're willing to give our founding fathers a pass in historical context, but in 2016 in the US there is literally no excuse no matter where you are from in this country. The inability to filter biased information from Fox News is not an excuse.

[Anonymous]

^^this. "Kind and loving people" do not rant about racial purity. I'd limit my exposure to them as much as possible, especially after I had kids. Otherwise, you're kids will either feel their disdain, or learn to share their views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I agree with the PP that you need to think of them as willfully ignorant and stupid. And, in the US culture, you absolutely do NOT marry the family. You marry your spouse and are required to be civil to your ILs but not deferential. Hugs.

Thank you.

So far, I am proud of taking the high road but it hurts. I think my MIL is a lovely woman and very living and giving to other white people. It just hurts to feel discriminated like this.

I'm sorry, but you cannot describe someone as a "lovely woman" and qualify that they are generous only to "white people" in the same sentence. There are many appalling racists and bigots throughout history (leaving aside even slave owners) who were generous to only their race. Maybe we're willing to give our founding fathers a pass in historical context, but in 2016 in the US there is literally no excuse no matter where you are from in this country. The inability to filter biased information from Fox News is not an excuse.

OP here.

I'm trying not to be too hard on her seeing as she is the mother of my dh. I find her world view very concerning and her fears about whites being the minority in the country while knowing her own son married a non-white is just...I have no idea how to even take it. Her grandchildren will not be white!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

Bullshit.

If they were as ugly as you describe, they wouldn't accept you period. You're just mad because they don't drink your koolaid.

I wouldn't have phrased it this way, but I agree with the general sentiment. It appears that op is intolerant of anyone who doesn't share here world view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

Bullshit.

If they were as ugly as you describe, they wouldn't accept you period. You're just mad because they don't drink your koolaid.

I wouldn't have phrased it this way, but I agree with the general sentiment. It appears that op is intolerant of anyone who doesn't share here world view.

Ummm, seems pretty obviously racist to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

I'm trying not to be too hard on her seeing as she is the mother of my dh. I find her world view very concerning and her fears about whites being the minority in the country while knowing her own son married a non-white is just...I have no idea how to even take it. Her grandchildren will not be white!!

I get this sentiment, but I don't think it's healthy in the long run. If she were just boorish in general, that's one thing. But she has specifically racist viewpoints that would be discriminatory against your kids (and are against you). You might be able to let the roll off your back, but it's not fair to ask children to grow up being criticized that way by their grandmother. It can cause damage that's not obvious or apparent...especially if your kids feel like you are willing to accept being spoken to in that manner. Unless things change a lot in the next decade or so, being part-ME your kids may have to contend with a lot of racist remarks in their lives...you want to make sure they have the tools to ensure they are being treated with respect which means not having to hear nasty things about yourself out of obligation.

The flipside is that maybe she just doesn't realize that the people she's criticizing include you. In my experience, this is pretty common, "X people are so...but of course I don't mean you, you're not like that at all." In that case, maybe your DH can explain that to her and explain how it's directly offensive to you...not just something you disagree with. If she's otherwise polite to people whom she identifies with, maybe she'll stop saying stuff around you...and you can decide whether that's good enough to keep up a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For many years, my Asian in-laws were fairly careful in what they said around me, and I spent little time with them.

At some point, I started having to spend time with them several times a week, and because I kept quiet and kept my smiling poker face on, they got used to me and see me as the token dumb white American. And whoa, did the racist talk come burbling out of them. It's like they're living in 1930 and it's fine to describe in detail their bigotry and talk about how disgusting they find us white, black, and hispanic people. They're so superficially polite and pleasant, but there's so much racism, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism, etc. And they go on and on about how ugly and fat we are and how bad we smell and how we're savages riddled with std's.

I'm white myself but it sounds like your Asian in-laws are not that far off base. Americans are fat, ugly, and riddled with std's. As a general rule. Pretty savage too, on the whole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

Perhaps if Muslims globally weren't the biggest trouble makers in the most different areas of the world your in-laws wouldn't be quite so intolerant seeming. Or are you now going to say that not all muslims are like that? Of course we know that not all Muslims are like that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a white girl married to a middle easterner. I often regret marrying into his racist family. My family is white, Catholic, upper class, financially conservative, socially liberal. My family embraced DH with open arms.

His family never sent us a wedding gift, never send the kids birthday cards, when we do visit, they speak Arabic even though they are fluent in English.

I tell my kids to never marry into a different culture, religion, language. Biggest mistake of my life! They have real jealousy issues, too. The females. Ugghhh!

My family treats him so kindly. His family is so rude!!

[Anonymous]

OP, do you wear the scarf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many years, my Asian in-laws were fairly careful in what they said around me, and I spent little time with them.

At some point, I started having to spend time with them several times a week, and because I kept quiet and kept my smiling poker face on, they got used to me and see me as the token dumb white American. And whoa, did the racist talk come burbling out of them. It's like they're living in 1930 and it's fine to describe in detail their bigotry and talk about how disgusting they find us white, black, and hispanic people. They're so superficially polite and pleasant, but there's so much racism, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism, etc. And they go on and on about how ugly and fat we are and how bad we smell and how we're savages riddled with std's.

I'm white myself but it sounds like your Asian in-laws are not that far off base. Americans are fat, ugly, and riddled with std's. As a general rule. Pretty savage too, on the whole.

Well speak for yourself.