Regret marrying into Racist Family

[Anonymous]

I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I don't have any advice, but it isn't right.

[Anonymous]

Think of them as stupid and irrelevant, rather than worrying about their racism. That might make it easier to ignore and focus on your DH.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP I know you said you try to not hold it against MIL, but there's no excuse for being racist and ignorant in the year 2016. You aren't obligated to be okay with her, or the way she thinks.

[Anonymous]

I can sympathize, except that I'm white and they're South Asian with a strong anti-Muslim slant. MIL & FIL think that they're Trump supporters, but what they don't realize is that Americans can't tell the difference between them & Muslims. In fact, they were harassed on the street while here for being Muslim and they thought it was odd, exceptional, etc etc etc - what I'm trying to tell them is that the same prejudice that is held against Muslims would be held against them as well if they lived here long term. The fact that they also are prejudiced isn't going to win them any favors amongst racists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

Bullshit.

If they were as ugly as you describe, they wouldn't accept you period. You're just mad because they don't drink your koolaid.

[Anonymous]

I'm white and the in-laws are Asian, and it's been really difficult to deal with them, because of their ridiculous expectations. The good news is that they are in Asia and we're here. The bad news is, when they visit, they stay for weeks/months. UGH. The really good news, though? We can't communicate well enough for me to understand all the racist/classist/body-shaming crap they say, and I've insisted that my DH stop letting me know, because it only makes things worse.

Please don't let them get to you. They are NOT representative of all Americans, though I'm so so ashamed at how many people are on the Cruz/Trump bandwagon. I remember years ago wanting to move away from US when Bush was reelected. Little did I know how much worse it could potentially get.

[Anonymous]

This challenge is probably evident in virtually every marriage of mixed cultures. Differences aren't necessarily racism.

[Anonymous]

Sorry op. I am middle eastern too, and I could not imagine marrying into a family like that. Since you are middle eastern, you probably had it rammed into your head about a billion times throughout your life that the family of the man you marry is a critical part of your marriage. You did not seem to absorb that lesson and now you are paying the price. I have no advice except to show them what real class and decency looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry op. I am middle eastern too, and I could not imagine marrying into a family like that. Since you are middle eastern, you probably had it rammed into your head about a billion times throughout your life that the family of the man you marry is a critical part of your marriage. You did not seem to absorb that lesson and now you are paying the price. I have no advice except to show them what real class and decency looks like.

I am. I am very polite and gracious and put up with a lot of odd and racist comments thrown about around me. Their worship of Trump is sickening.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think?

More importantly, what does he do to shut them down in front of you? My DH's inlaws are a bit like your's. They just kept going on and on about immigrants. I am one. When they wouldn't stop, DH shut them down, got angry at them. Said to them that were they were saying was racist, period. The subject was never brought up again.

[Anonymous]

Racism would be unacceptable, but people are entitled to reasonable differences of opinion when it comes to policy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This challenge is probably evident in virtually every marriage of mixed cultures. Differences aren't necessarily racism.

+1000 You marry a spouse and you marry their family and discover that tolerance is not the same as acceptance.

Spouses are open minded to cultural differences. Unfortunately, many times their extended families are close minded even while practicing tolerance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think?

He has a few times when she has gotten out of hand. She does not specifically target muslims in front of me anymore so now its "those illegals" and anyone not white and immigrants in general. She talks about it in terms of Americans vs immigrants.

I of course find all of it appalling.