Regret marrying into Racist Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...rants on racial purity, yuck. What do you say when she does this? i would be PISSED. PISSED. And tell her never to talk like that again in your presence (or, kids, if you have them).

I just quietly eat my food and make conversation with other guests. I don't want to stir drama and since she's not going to change her mind, there's no point in giving her an earful anyway.

Many of us have ignorant racists in our own families or in our IL's. If you want to have any chance of changing them, the best thing to do is to continue to be polite and loving toward them as a daughter in law. Of course, always have a de-brief with your kids after visits and before visits with Grandma and Grandpa do not believe the way we do and don't take it too seriously. I'm not saying tolerate outright rudeness toward you, but research shows that challenging people's views and arguing with them only deepens there commitment to those views. What shatters their views? Actually getting to know a real person who is the "other" culture they are against. That you have control over. Hard, yes, but you are strong, your kids can handle it, and in the long run, you will have the best success. We're are with you! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

PP here. their not there. duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

You lost your credibility when you equated Trump and Cruz as racist. I can tell you many if not most disagree with you.

This isn't the 1800's, you don't marry "into" someone's family. All I can suggest is do less family outings with them, and on some holidays you and dh go on vacation. Works for many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For many years, my Asian in-laws were fairly careful in what they said around me, and I spent little time with them.

At some point, I started having to spend time with them several times a week, and because I kept quiet and kept my smiling poker face on, they got used to me and see me as the token dumb white American. And whoa, did the racist talk come burbling out of them. It's like they're living in 1930 and it's fine to describe in detail their bigotry and talk about how disgusting they find us white, black, and hispanic people. They're so superficially polite and pleasant, but there's so much racism, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism, etc. And they go on and on about how ugly and fat we are and how bad we smell and how we're savages riddled with std's.

Or maybe they watch too much Kardashian tv, LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many years, my Asian in-laws were fairly careful in what they said around me, and I spent little time with them.

At some point, I started having to spend time with them several times a week, and because I kept quiet and kept my smiling poker face on, they got used to me and see me as the token dumb white American. And whoa, did the racist talk come burbling out of them. It's like they're living in 1930 and it's fine to describe in detail their bigotry and talk about how disgusting they find us white, black, and hispanic people. They're so superficially polite and pleasant, but there's so much racism, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism, etc. And they go on and on about how ugly and fat we are and how bad we smell and how we're savages riddled with std's.

I'm white myself but it sounds like your Asian in-laws are not that far off base. Americans are fat, ugly, and riddled with std's. As a general rule. Pretty savage too, on the whole.

Bhahaha! Same here and I was thinking her in-laws are merely calling it as they see it. This country is going down the tubes and if you're old enough it's called cause and effect.
Many are sick of people using the entitlement cards to not call out the real issues or pretend dysfunctional is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

Bullshit.

If they were as ugly as you describe, they wouldn't accept you period. You're just mad because they don't drink your koolaid.

One of Bush brothers (Jeb) is married to a Mexican. Doesn't make the clan any less republican or her any less Mexican. Family is different from politics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

You lost your credibility when you equated Trump and Cruz as racist. I can tell you many if not most disagree with you.

This isn't the 1800's, you don't marry "into" someone's family. All I can suggest is do less family outings with them, and on some holidays you and dh go on vacation. Works for many.

She didn't lose credibility and "most" of who? I'd say all racist white people disagree with her. And yes, even today, you do marry into families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a white girl married to a middle easterner. I often regret marrying into his racist family. My family is white, Catholic, upper class, financially conservative, socially liberal. My family embraced DH with open arms.

His family never sent us a wedding gift, never send the kids birthday cards, when we do visit, they speak Arabic even though they are fluent in English.

I tell my kids to never marry into a different culture, religion, language. Biggest mistake of my life! They have real jealousy issues, too. The females. Ugghhh!

My family treats him so kindly. His family is so rude!!

Some of your complaints seem a bit odd. Did they come to your wedding? Are they familiar with the culture of sending birthday cards (many cultures do not celebrate birthdays)? Do they speak at least some English -- like to you if you don't understand Arabic? You can be fluent in another language but still prefer to speak your mother tongue -- my family does this all the time when my DH is around. It's not they are doing it on purpose -- it's more that they don't realize that they have stopped speaking English.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a white girl married to a middle easterner. I often regret marrying into his racist family. My family is white, Catholic, upper class, financially conservative, socially liberal. My family embraced DH with open arms.

His family never sent us a wedding gift, never send the kids birthday cards, when we do visit, they speak Arabic even though they are fluent in English.

I tell my kids to never marry into a different culture, religion, language. Biggest mistake of my life! They have real jealousy issues, too. The females. Ugghhh!

My family treats him so kindly. His family is so rude!!

Some of your complaints seem a bit odd. Did they come to your wedding? Are they familiar with the culture of sending birthday cards (many cultures do not celebrate birthdays)? Do they speak at least some English -- like to you if you don't understand Arabic? You can be fluent in another language but still prefer to speak your mother tongue -- my family does this all the time when my DH is around. It's not they are doing it on purpose -- it's more that they don't realize that they have stopped speaking English.

My grandmother told me that when she immigrated to the US as an adult, she had to fill a form that asked for her birth date. She had no idea what it was because no one had ever told her and she had never been asked for it. So she just made one up that day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

Bullshit.

If they were as ugly as you describe, they wouldn't accept you period. You're just mad because they don't drink your koolaid.

One of Bush brothers (Jeb) is married to a Mexican. Doesn't make the clan any less republican or her any less Mexican. Family is different from politics.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

You lost your credibility when you equated Trump and Cruz as racist. I can tell you many if not most disagree with you.

This isn't the 1800's, you don't marry "into" someone's family. All I can suggest is do less family outings with them, and on some holidays you and dh go on vacation. Works for many.

She didn't lose credibility and "most" of who? I'd say all racist white people disagree with her. And yes, even today, you do marry into families. [/quote

So white people who disagree with her are racist, lol. No you don't marry into a family - you try to get along and respect boundaries, but only two people are on the marriage certificate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle eastern woman who married into a white Republican family. My dh is amazing and not racist and advocates for open borders. His parents however are staunch Trump and Ted Cruz supporters. Although they have never been outright horrible to me and have been as kind and open hearted as they can, I still feel a distance there that will never be closed. I don't click with my MIL or SIL and although not mean or hostile, they think of me as "the other" and keep to themselves on family outings. The MIL is also very openly anti-immigrant and especially anti-Syrians due to the stuff thats happening over there. I try not to hold it against here because the news we hear every day is bad and I am the only loosely mulsim person she's ever encountered in her life. Her rants about white people being wiped out by immigrants and nationalism and racial purity scare me. Also given the fact that they openly support people like Trump and Cruz...I just can't deal.

I love my DH but I wish his family was very very different.

If you have a good marriage you are ahead of many! Be happy, and understand you didn't marry into anyone's family. You can only try to respect and get along with the inlaws. You both have different views that each needs to respect. Perhaps next time you can give hints to put a stop to it, or let them know you aren't interested in politics. I'd go that route, otherwise brush it off or try and change the subject when it comes up. I'm sure they will get it. If you don't read too much into it you will probably have a much better relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many years, my Asian in-laws were fairly careful in what they said around me, and I spent little time with them.

At some point, I started having to spend time with them several times a week, and because I kept quiet and kept my smiling poker face on, they got used to me and see me as the token dumb white American. And whoa, did the racist talk come burbling out of them. It's like they're living in 1930 and it's fine to describe in detail their bigotry and talk about how disgusting they find us white, black, and hispanic people. They're so superficially polite and pleasant, but there's so much racism, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism, etc. And they go on and on about how ugly and fat we are and how bad we smell and how we're savages riddled with std's.

I'm white myself but it sounds like your Asian in-laws are not that far off base. Americans are fat, ugly, and riddled with std's. As a general rule. Pretty savage too, on the whole.

Bhahaha! Same here and I was thinking her in-laws are merely calling it as they see it. This country is going down the tubes and if you're old enough it's called cause and effect.
Many are sick of people using the entitlement cards to not call out the real issues or pretend dysfunctional is normal.

Really? You're standing up for bigots? Did you not read where the in-laws say this about blacks, hispanics, and whites from any country? They're not singling out white Americans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many years, my Asian in-laws were fairly careful in what they said around me, and I spent little time with them.

At some point, I started having to spend time with them several times a week, and because I kept quiet and kept my smiling poker face on, they got used to me and see me as the token dumb white American. And whoa, did the racist talk come burbling out of them. It's like they're living in 1930 and it's fine to describe in detail their bigotry and talk about how disgusting they find us white, black, and hispanic people. They're so superficially polite and pleasant, but there's so much racism, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism, etc. And they go on and on about how ugly and fat we are and how bad we smell and how we're savages riddled with std's.

I'm white myself but it sounds like your Asian in-laws are not that far off base. Americans are fat, ugly, and riddled with std's. As a general rule. Pretty savage too, on the whole.

I wonder where they would get this perception? Maybe the Kardashians, Charlie Sheen, Honey Boo Boo and clan...the list is endless.