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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here again.  [b]The issue is can I move past the hurt in order to now start having a closer relationship with these in-laws and nurture a cousin relationship between the new cousins. [/b] In the past, we did not see them often and didn't have much of an in-person relationship with them--for example, we have never spent holidays with them, and quite frankly I don't think I want to spend holidays with them now, given how they treated us.  But now that they will soon have a child and now that we have a child, and they are going to be the only cousins, I would imagine they will want to have a closer relationship so the cousins can get to know each other.

They live in Pittsburgh, so it's a drive but not so far that we couldn't get together with them a few times a year for milestone occasions/holidays.  Their child will be our child's only cousin, so this relationship is an important one.  But I do feel snubbed and what bothers me the most is that they announced their pregnancy with a lengthy conversation about how our daughter is doing (the very first time they ever asked about her).  I think I'd feel less snubbed if they just announced their pregnancy in a normal way--not starting out the phone call with a 10 minute discussion of our daughter's preschool, etc.  DH is the type to just brush issues like this under the rug and never deal with them, but that has ended up in him being the doormat in his family, which has always bothered me.

DH's 40th birthday is coming up in March, and he mentioned inviting them (his parents are coming in from out of state for the occasion, we're having a big party at home).  I am hesitant about inviting them.  Not sure what we will do.[/quote]

OP, I get that this is the crux of the issue, and it's great that you are being honest about your feelings.  FTR, our primary IF journey sounds similar to your SILs, and we also had secondary IF leading to my current pregnancy, so I do understand some of where she's coming from as well.  If you read the IF forum even on DCUM, you'll see that there are a wide variety of reactions to IF, and there are a few people who really do completely cut out anything kid-related from their lives.  But most of these people acknowledge the damage it causes to many of their lifelong adult relationships.

In this case, it sounds like your SIL needed to take a more extreme approach to cutting out kid-/baby-related stuff from her life, but she doesn't want to acknowledge the consequences it has had on an important adult relationship of hers (with her brother).  Unfortunately, IF or not, life doesn't work that way.  You and your DH are more than justified in feeling the way you do, and I honestly don't understand how you could move forward with rebuilding the relationship without acknowledging what has happened in the past.  It doesn't have to be accusatory or telling them that they were wrong, just saying "You did X, and I've been feeling hurt since then."  And giving them a chance to apologize and share their side.  Who knows?  Maybe they feel like you guys didn't acknowledge what they were going through in a way that resonated with them or whatever.  As an anecdote, during our primary IF struggle, I told my sister (who had also suffered from IF in the form of repeated losses, no IVF) that I was probably about to have my second miscarriage based on low hormone levels.  She never acknowledged or asked about it at all...and I became very distant from her for a while (this also coincided with the holidays and both of our birthdays).  After a few months, she asked why I was so out of touch, and I told her I've been upset about her response to my miscarriage.  Turns out she misunderstood me/didn't hear me (we'd done so many rounds of IVF at that point, I'm not even sure she knew we had been cycling), and basically had no idea I'd had a miscarriage.  She was extremely upset on my behalf/apologetic, etc.  My point is that my sister and I are very close, and even we had a major misunderstanding like this.  It's very possible that there's hurt on both sides, but regardless, you do need to share your hurt before you can really feel good about this relationship (I think).

FWIW, given that this is likely to be your child's only cousin, and it does sound like DH and his sister have been close most of their lives, I think it's worth trying to salvage this relationship.  It probably does need to come from your DH talking to your SIL, and you need to find a way to let him know that it's important to you that they resolve this in order to move on as a family.[/quote]

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