Letting Go Of " Mr. Perfect."
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Anonymous
| I found and married someone that I "got along with". 8 years in, I wished I hadn't. All around good guy, don't get me wrong, but it didn't occur to me until now that a marriage is more than two people getting along. |
Anonymous
16:05 here. Which one could you do without? One strike for me. |
Anonymous
| OP, when the right person comes along, things fall into place. Slightly schlubby? No big deal, funny person. Left dishes in the sink? So what? He fixed the TV. When you have to hyper analyze a person, its no good. |
Anonymous
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I'm a married woman in my early 30s, pregnant with our first child.
Sometimes my DH drives me absolutely bonkers. And sometimes I drive him crazy! The person you marry is going to have quirks that drive you up a wall at times. It's nearly impossible to live with someone and NOT have that person make you want to tear your hair out at times. But my DH is genuinely the smartest, most caring, and most loving person I know. He adores me, our home, and our pets. He's so excited to become a father. He truly does 50% of the housework. He and I email each other all throughout the day just because we love talking to each other. We like many of the same TV shows and books. We share the same general political and religious beliefs, and we love discussing them. We have great sex. We have the same idea of how to be in a relationship -- we both really like spending a lot of time with a significant other, so most of our free time is spent together; however, neither of us takes it personally if we spend an evening out alone with friends. We pick up the slack when the other is traveling or sick or is just feeling a little lazy or tired that night. Overall, we have a wonderful relationship. The key, in my opinion, is dealbreakers. Figure out what yours are and work from there. Commonly cited dealbreakers are things like religion and politics and money. But there might be other things to consider. For example, how do you both enjoy spending your free time? If your partner prefers to hang out with you all weekend, no matter what you're up to, whereas you really like to go to yoga alone on Saturday and grab coffee alone with a friend on a Sunday afternoon, that might be a dealbreaker. Or if you like coming home after a long day at work and curl up with a good book and have a quiet evening, whereas your partner likes to cook a big meal and open a bottle of wine and talk for several hours, that might be a dealbreaker too. None of these *have* to be dealbreakers, of course -- plenty of couples disagree on all these things and find ways to make their relationships work. But you said in a previous post that you never felt like you could be "you" with one of your ex-boyfriends, which is why I think you need to dig deeper into what your dealbreakers are. That feeling of not being "me" is one that I'm familiar with in prior relationships. I ultimately knew DH was worth marrying when I could tell him anything and could be completely "me" and he still liked me and wanted to be around me. Take some time to figure out what your best relationship would look like. Ask yourself what it really looks like to be "you" in a relationship, and how you've felt like you had to conceal those parts of you in past relationships. And then figure out if the person you're dating fits what you're looking for. This isn't the same as looking for Mr. Perfect; if that were the case, I would have never married DH, and I'd still be waiting to find a man who can trim his beard without leaving hair trimmings all over the bathroom. (And he'd still be looking for Mrs. Perfect who neatly hangs her clothes up every night and immediately after doing laundry.) The person you choose to spend your life with is ultimately someone whose beard trimmings you don't mind washing away, even though how can he NOT see them because they're everywhere, and for god's sake it only takes two seconds to clean them up. (Or is the person whose un-hung clothes you tolerate being strewn all over the bedroom, even though it takes two seconds to hang them up, and for god's sake if you just hung the clothes right after they were washed, they wouldn't get so wrinkly.) 
Best of luck to you. |
Anonymous
The bolded part is all that matters. If you can't be yourself, it's not right no matter what else looks good on paper. Nothing else you wrote matter. You could not be yourself around him so the relationship was dead in the water. |
Anonymous
Agree with this poster. I find it troubling that you say there's a lot you find irritating about him. That will only get worse when you're raising kids with this person. And that's very different from not meeting a mythical mr. Perfect checklist. You didn't specify what you found irritating, but I certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone who feels that there's a lot about me they find irritating. |
Anonymous
| "If there's someone you can live without, then do so." |
Anonymous
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There is no short cut to life. My parents divorced after 30 years of marriage-- a marriage in which they got along pretty well but weren't able to agree on how to handle the next phase of life.
Being able to be yourself is critically important because you don't have a real relationship with anyone if you aren't being yourself. Being psychologically healthy, kind to each other and respecting each other are critical also because all couples have disagreements so you can't argue with a person who is willing to destroy the relationship to win an argument. Sharing long-term values will reduce a lot of problems. In general, other things (for example relationships with inlaws, money, issues with children) can be worked through if working through them is important enough to the couple. Often times, the only difference between couples who stay married and couples who divorce is that the couples who stay married didn't walk away and eventually 'survived' the crisis. Crisis of some kind (whether it's infidelity, extended job loss/ money problems, health problems that can affect libido, a child with a serious problem such as mental illness or drug abuse) happen to lots of couples-- some just stay together despite it or through it. Things to let go: looks (although sexual attraction is important, looks fade), money (look for a hard worker who values money the same way you do), their past (they may have slept around more than you like or have children), their hobbies (who cares if they like football and you like reading as long as you give each other space and there is other stuff you like to do together). |
Anonymous
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I'm going to echo what a bunch of other people have said. You have to know yourself first. I married my husband (who I adore but who often makes me crazy) because not only could I be myself fully when I was with him, he actively liked the things about me that were most difficult to like. And vice versa.
And I remember having to think hard about whether the things that made me nuts (spacing out, chronic lateness, night owl to my early bird tendencies) were actual deal breakers, or things I was willing to accommodate. Sixteen years later, I've made the accommodations (as has he -- I'm not perfect), and I'm glad I did. |
Anonymous
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I really like the list PP posted. Pay attention to that list!
DH was a smoker when we started dating. I swore I would never date a smoker. I lost both my grandparents to smoking related illnesses. But we just fit. (and a few years in, he quit. Now he vapes occasionally, but mostly doesn't smoke) Yes, we have quirks that drive each other crazy, but they are easy to overlook when the good out weighs the bad. The one thing that made me realize he could be someone I could marry was that I could turn "off" around him. In my other relationships, no matter how long, I always felt like I had to be "on". Even relaxing on the couch, watching TV there was a part of me that was "on". With DH, I could turn 'off' and he still loved and accepted me. |
Anonymous
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I think it's kind of an "estimation game," or it was for me.
I knew my spouse was stable, mature, and committed to working things out when things got rough. I knew we didn't agree on everything, but we had the same or very similar values about the stuff that was important to me. We had weathered disagreements ok--sometimes it meant that one of us just acquiesced (not our point of view, but our behavior) to accommodate the very strong opinion of the other. He was also a person of integrity at work and in his personal relationships -- he had good friends, both men and women -- who were stable, smart, kind, and good role models for each other. I also thought that, well, if it didn't work out, I was pretty sure our divorce would be amicable and reasonable. Because, hey, divorce happens. And that would be the worst thing I could imagine happening to us. Not abuse, not infidelity, not deep hatred or disrespect, or anything like that. I think we're a pretty typical couple in many ways. Going on 12 years now. He is steadfast, he challenges me, I drive him crazy sometimes and vice versa, but he's also open to loving, reconciling, negotiating, standing his ground, and ceding it, too. Basically a good person. You know what? I'd say the key is that we're both good communicators and good at making sure the other person is getting the space to say what's on his/her mind, too. I could not marry a non-communicator. Or someone who holds long term grudges or cannot love someone who disagrees with him sometimes. |
Anonymous
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Well you have brought up some excellent and valid concerns.
In my personal opinion, a deal-breaker would be something that I just couldn't compromise on. In other words, no negotiation there. Examples would be: any form of unhealthy addiction that is not being actively treated, bad relationships with parents, siblings, children, etc., serious criminal record, verbally or physically abusive (or had been in their past), and a freeloader who uses people. Also, someone who seems to get in trouble with the law and someone who has a lot of enemies. Things that are simply just quirks would be someone who burps a lot, passes gas then laughs about it, tells bad jokes or is a terrible Scrabble player. Remember: You have your own set of quirks so it is only fair that you accept someone else's.
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Anonymous
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OP, my wife and I are not a perfect couple. There is no such thing as a perfect couple. She was married before and I had LT girlfriends. There were good and bad parts in those situations.
I can be quirky and a pain in the ass and so can she. Each of us at down times has thought about leaving the marriage. But the basics of character, physical attraction, and shared intellectual curiosity are there. Do these three things automatically mean good marriage? Of course not because there are intangibles that make a marriage work. These include willingness to compromise and not looking for perfection. Also, some things that are impossible to define. My take is that you overanalyze things. That never results in good things, |
Anonymous
| There is no such thing as the perfect person. There is someone you love, flaws and all. You learn to live with their flaws and they learn to live with yours |
Anonymous
Great list and I would adds to number 6 that which word means that they're not looking for a surrogate parent. That maybe they're not amazing at every chore but if push came to shove they could make sure things got done |