Letting Go Of " Mr. Perfect."
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Anonymous
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I've been reading through the other threads people wondering if they should break up with some one, wondering if they missed out on "the one", people worrying about getting married,people contemplating affairs etc
Has me doing a lot of thinking. I recently turned 31. I was a late bloomer and didn't start dating until my 20s. I'm now at the point in my life where I'm starting to think about settling down. Logically I know there is no perfect person and that anyone I end up with will have "something" I find annoying. How do you know if something is a red flag/ something that will irritate you till kingdom come vs learning to accept something irritating to have someone you love? I'm not sure I've asked that right. I'll try examples. My long term relationship ended in April we were off and on for about 18 months. He was/is a great guy. On paper he was probably a 9 out of 10 of everything I have ever wanted, and though I enjoyed being with him, and good see myself marrying him. There was always something missing. Looking back I realize he was the perfect person to fit into what my idea of perfect was, but I was never really able to be me around him. Then there was the guy I had a fling with, good guy, permanent bachelor type. Phenomenal sex and knew how to show me a good time. We had fun together , but it was all superficial. Now there is the guy I'm currently seeing, and I never would have picked him for myself. At first I thought the attraction was that he reminded me of my college sweetheart " the one that got a way". They do share similar qualities, but are also vastly different. There's a lot about him I find irritating , but I still want to be with him . I also have no problem just being around him something that I couldn't do with my ex, In reality it's too early to be planning on a future together, as we both are coming out of something serious. I guess I just want to know. How do you know? What are the things that should matter when looking for a spouse? What are the things you let go? |
Anonymous
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For starters, he should be someone you genuinely enjoy being around. Lord knows, DW can get on my nerves like nobody's business when she does certain things. But there is no one I'd rather spend time with.
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Anonymous
| Hahaha op this question is way too vague and impossible to answer! |
Anonymous
 I know. I was thinking that as I was typing it. I guess. I'm just starting to feel like certain things I thought mattered, maybe don't matter as much, but we're still in that honeymoon stage where it's easy to ignore things. I figure a certain amount of ignoring does come into play, but how do you know? What's the ratio of accept to/ move on? I know it's not logical.
Mostly I think I'm surprised at how I can enjoy being around someone so much who I never thought I would. Does that make any sense? |
Anonymous
I do like being around him. I liked being around my ex to, but we didn't work out for other reasons. I hear people say all the time to make sure you accept the other persons flaws because they won't change. I guess I just want to know when does accepting become turning a blind eye ? Not sure if that's the right word. |
Anonymous
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Define your deal breakers (like smoking to me is a deal breaker).
When you are mature, you realize that the perfect person is not perfect on paper, just perfect for *you*, meaning, you can be yourself around him; you trust him implicitly; he's your best friend; you can imagine growing old with him; when you argue, you can makeup easily enough; you love just hanging out with him. Remember, passion and butterflies fade. Annoying habits stay around pretty much a lifetime. |
Anonymous
The point is that the person's faults don't really bother you so much, so you don't have to turn a blind eye. Everything that irritates you now will become more irritating when you are living with it every day with no hope of relief. |
Anonymous
Can you elaborate on what his flaws are? They could be trivial or they could point to something larger. Hard to know without details. |
Anonymous
| There are no easy answers-- if there were, this forum probably wouldn't exist. |
Anonymous
| It's funny you mention this, because I just heard on the radio the other day that the biggest peril of getting married later in life is that you lose that naivete and no one is ever quite right for you. I find this to be true myself. |
Anonymous
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I feel you completely, OP.
I, too, was a late bloomer. I started seriously dating around age 27 even though I had relationships in HS and college, I never thought of them as being serious. In fact, my college relationship of 2 years was more for convenience than romance. We were in the same place, at the same time, hung out with the same crowd, and had the same interests. I knew very early on that it wasn't going to be a relationship where we would grow old together. On paper, he was a great guy. I just never had strong enough feelings to be his wife, or mother of his children. Add to it he was Catholic and wanted us to marry young, something I definitely was not on board with. I am a firm believer that you don't know yourself well enough right out of college to decide that your hopes and dreams, all the aspirations, ambitions, and future is rooted in 1 individual. I needed to explore. I needed time to find myself. I wanted to develop a professional career, and establish myself before I could envision myself as a wife and mother to someone else. Last summer, at 31, I started online dating because my friends urged me after seeing that I had no luck with guys from working in a primary female environment and I wasn't about to swing that way! The man I met was nothing like what I thought I would go for. He was intellectual, unassumingly good looking, quiet, engineer type, and not professionally established. The latter made me nervous, but we spent some time getting to know each other. Over the course of several months it became evident that I could really see myself with him, but we had completely different social groups (mine large, his intimate and most from childhood), we had different interests (he's athletic, I prefer to stay in with Netflix and my cat), we had different culinary taste (he's all vanilla, I'm all about the spice of the world), and we have different hobbies and interests (he's outdoorsy, I scream at the sight of a bug). It was from our differences that made us appreciate each other more when we shared our world with the other. Around 6 months in we realized that we're meant for each other. The rest from there on out was easy...we became exclusive, committed to each other and moved toward endless discussion about family life, and how we want to grow old together. The things I looked for was -compatibility -genuine good heart and caring nature -ambitious and driven -willingness to compromise -sound financial judgment and wise decision making The things to let go -Looks -- they fade over time, hair and style can be changed -Money -- can be made, can be lost in a heartbeat |
Anonymous
I think it's the opposite - when you are older, you are mature enough to know that there is no such thing as Mr. Perfect; when you are young and naive, you are more prone to overlook flaws. |
Anonymous
| Off and on for 18 months doesn't really create a serious relationship that gives you the opportunity to explore these things. In a committed relationship, 18 months is often right around the mark where the excitement and newness fades, and you really start to see how compatible you are with the person. After that, you see the flaws and the incompatibilities, and you weigh for yourself (often not in a conscious, deliberate way, but subconsciously) whether what you get from the relationship outweighs the drawbacks. |
Anonymous
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You should frame it differently. Marriage will require a LOT of self sacrifice. You can know if he is the "right one" IF you sacrificing for him give you some sort of "happy" feeling.... Not an exhaustive list but.... here are a few things I noticed about myself when I was considering getting married.....
1. I actually liked her mother and knowing in advance that there was a good chance she would visit us for long periods of time.... and I actually wanted to give that to her and didn't think it would bother me. 2. When I thought about kids... I could feel an emotion about them because they were part of her... I didn't think they would be a burden.... I actually wanted them. In other words.... are YOU willing to do stuff for him? Right not it sounds like you're are trying to fit him into some mold where you are supposed to get some benefit from him. I really don't think you are ready for marriage. |
Anonymous
| You are 31. Stop overthinking things and just get married. |