Reply to Letting Go Of " Mr. Perfect."

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Reply to "Letting Go Of " Mr. Perfect.""

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm a married woman in my early 30s, pregnant with our first child.

Sometimes my DH drives me absolutely bonkers.  And sometimes I drive him crazy!  The person you marry is going to have quirks that drive you up a wall at times.  It's nearly impossible to live with someone and NOT have that person make you want to tear your hair out at times.

But my DH is genuinely the smartest, most caring, and most loving person I know.  He adores me, our home, and our pets.  He's so excited to become a father.  He truly does 50% of the housework.  He and I email each other all throughout the day just because we love talking to each other.  We like many of the same TV shows and books.  We share the same general political and religious beliefs, and we love discussing them.  We have great sex.  We have the same idea of how to be in a relationship -- we both really like spending a lot of time with a significant other, so most of our free time is spent together; however, neither of us takes it personally if we spend an evening out alone with friends.  We pick up the slack when the other is traveling or sick or is just feeling a little lazy or tired that night.  Overall, we have a wonderful relationship.

The key, in my opinion, is dealbreakers.  Figure out what yours are and work from there.  Commonly cited dealbreakers are things like religion and politics and money.  But there might be other things to consider.  For example, how do you both enjoy spending your free time?  If your partner prefers to hang out with you all weekend, no matter what you're up to, whereas you really like to go to yoga alone on Saturday and grab coffee alone with a friend on a Sunday afternoon, that might be a dealbreaker.  Or if you like coming home after a long day at work and curl up with a good book and have a quiet evening, whereas your partner likes to cook a big meal and open a bottle of wine and talk for several hours, that might be a dealbreaker too.

None of these *have* to be dealbreakers, of course -- plenty of couples disagree on all these things and find ways to make their relationships work.  But you said in a previous post that you never felt like you could be "you" with one of your ex-boyfriends, which is why I think you need to dig deeper into what your dealbreakers are.  That feeling of not being "me" is one that I'm familiar with in prior relationships.  I ultimately knew DH was worth marrying when I could tell him anything and could be completely "me" and he still liked me and wanted to be around me.

Take some time to figure out what your best relationship would look like.  Ask yourself what it really looks like to be "you" in a relationship, and how you've felt like you had to conceal those parts of you in past relationships.  And then figure out if the person you're dating fits what you're looking for.  This isn't the same as looking for Mr. Perfect; if that were the case, I would have never married DH, and I'd still be waiting to find a man who can trim his beard without leaving hair trimmings all over the bathroom.  (And he'd still be looking for Mrs. Perfect who neatly hangs her clothes up every night and immediately after doing laundry.)  The person you choose to spend your life with is ultimately someone whose beard trimmings you don't mind washing away, even though how can he NOT see them because they're everywhere, and for god's sake it only takes two seconds to clean them up.  (Or is the person whose un-hung clothes you tolerate being strewn all over the bedroom, even though it takes two seconds to hang them up, and for god's sake if you just hung the clothes right after they were washed, they wouldn't get so wrinkly.)  :)

Best of luck to you.  [/quote]

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