Letting Go Of " Mr. Perfect."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny you mention this, because I just heard on the radio the other day that the biggest peril of getting married later in life is that you lose that naivete and no one is ever quite right for you. I find this to be true myself.

I think it's the opposite - when you are older, you are mature enough to know that there is no such thing as Mr. Perfect; when you are young and naive, you are more prone to overlook flaws.

NP, but I think there's something to what the poster before you said. Yes, when you're younger you're naive and idealistic, but you also are less likely to be set in your ways, and therefore more adaptable to someone who is different than you. So when you meet someone who hates to do dishes at night and will always leave them until the next day, it's less likely to be a huge issue for you because you haven't been living on your own without roommates long enough to be really invested in the idea that dishes must be done right after dinner. If you've lived on your own without roommates for 5+ years, you're more likely to have decided that the dishes just need to be done every night because that's how you do it, so you end up doing them when your spouse doesn't and then become resentful because you don't want to wait until they deal with them in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are 31. Stop overthinking things and just get married.

That's the thing if I marry.I really and truly hope it's a one time thing, but it's too early to be considering marriage seriously with this guy.

I think I'm just a little surprised at how different he is from what I thought my ideal would be, and that I still like being around him.

In the past any little thing that bothered me put me off a guy rather quickly, so far that hasn't been the case with him.

I think maybe I am finally growing up a bit and starting to consider what really matters to me.

I mentioned my ex because he was what I thought I wanted and I know of and on for 18 months seems dodgy, but within that time the times we were together it was serious, and things ended because I realized I could never be me and be with him, even though he was exactly what I had dreamed up in my younger days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define your deal breakers (like smoking to me is a deal breaker).

When you are mature, you realize that the perfect person is not perfect on paper, just perfect for *you*, meaning, you can be yourself around him; you trust him implicitly; he's your best friend; you can imagine growing old with him; when you argue, you can makeup easily enough; you love just hanging out with him. Remember, passion and butterflies fade. Annoying habits stay around pretty much a lifetime.

It's funny you mention smoking , because that was always on my list , and he is a smoker. He is in the process of quitting, but still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define your deal breakers (like smoking to me is a deal breaker).

When you are mature, you realize that the perfect person is not perfect on paper, just perfect for *you*, meaning, you can be yourself around him; you trust him implicitly; he's your best friend; you can imagine growing old with him; when you argue, you can makeup easily enough; you love just hanging out with him. Remember, passion and butterflies fade. Annoying habits stay around pretty much a lifetime.

It's funny you mention smoking , because that was always on my list , and he is a smoker. He is in the process of quitting, but still.

Posted to soon in the past it would have been that's disgusting and moved on.

I still think it's disgusting ,but tends to be more of it's horrible for his health kind of stand point. Before anyone asks, I haven't demanded he quit for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are 31. Stop overthinking things and just get married.

-1,000! Exactly the wrong answer! Think very carefully about what you want in life, in marriage and in the future because you'll be sharing it with him hopefully til death do you part.

Here's what I (a DW married for 20 years) suggest: live with him first. It worked for me and DH! Get to know him, good and bad. Can you handle his annoying habits? Do you both want kids? What values do you share: about friends, family, $$$, sex, politics, religion? What are your values for monogamy? Coparenting? SAH v. WOH? Prenups? Big v. small weddings? These issues will come up. For example, DH and I have different religious backgrounds but are compatible because we both dislike religion = easy! If you have different interests, can you give each other room to explore them? A friend's DH has a "game night" once a week rotating among the different houses, so she hosts once a month. Can you handle that? Do you like big parties or small ones? Cats or dogs? Travel holidays or family holidays?

Yes, many of these sound like minutiae because they are but if you have vastly different interests, goals and lifestyles, you'll be miserable.

Remember the old saying "married in haste, repented in leisure" and don't do it. Think and think again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 31. Stop overthinking things and just get married.

That's the thing if I marry.I really and truly hope it's a one time thing, but it's too early to be considering marriage seriously with this guy.

I think I'm just a little surprised at how different he is from what I thought my ideal would be, and that I still like being around him.

In the past any little thing that bothered me put me off a guy rather quickly, so far that hasn't been the case with him.

I think maybe I am finally growing up a bit and starting to consider what really matters to me.

I mentioned my ex because he was what I thought I wanted and I know of and on for 18 months seems dodgy, but within that time the times we were together it was serious, and things ended because I realized I could never be me and be with him, even though he was exactly what I had dreamed up in my younger days.

I think you're on the right track, OP. What you think you want on paper is different than what actually makes you happy on a daily basis. You may not actually get along with the perfect paper person in real life. I'll give you a concrete example - I'm very ambitious and driven, a classic over-achiever. On paper, my ideal person would be as driven and ambitious as I am. My DH of 12 years is smart and intellectually curious but not an over achiever, not motivated by money, and does not care about outside indicators of success. When we were early 20s and first together, I worried about his "lack of ambition" but over time, I see that him being less status-driven than I is probably one of the keys to our success. We would have killed each other over the years if we were both equally ambitious and driven.

What really matters is whether you get a long on a daily basis, whether he's a genuinely good person, and whether you have the same values/want the same things out of life. I also think you need an initial attraction (knowing it will fade over time) but that one might be more debatable. You should be willing to let go of all of the other "paper" requirements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define your deal breakers (like smoking to me is a deal breaker).

When you are mature, you realize that the perfect person is not perfect on paper, just perfect for *you*, meaning, you can be yourself around him; you trust him implicitly; he's your best friend; you can imagine growing old with him; when you argue, you can makeup easily enough; you love just hanging out with him. Remember, passion and butterflies fade. Annoying habits stay around pretty much a lifetime.

It's funny you mention smoking , because that was always on my list , and he is a smoker. He is in the process of quitting, but still.

Tell him to try vaping. No particulates and it's helped many people take steps to quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For starters, he should be someone you genuinely enjoy being around. Lord knows, DW can get on my nerves like nobody's business when she does certain things. But there is no one I'd rather spend time with.

I do like being around him. I liked being around my ex to, but we didn't work out for other reasons. I hear people say all the time to make sure you accept the other persons flaws because they won't change. I guess I just want to know when does accepting become turning a blind eye ? Not sure if that's the right word.

Can you elaborate on what his flaws are? They could be trivial or they could point to something larger. Hard to know without details.

+1

[Anonymous]

IMO, the following are non-negotiable (your list may vary). In rough order:

1. Absolute trust.
2. Shared life vision & values (same attitude about life goals, kids, money, etc.).
3. You have fun together, even when doing everyday tasks.
4. Attraction/sexual compatibility.
5. Similar intellectual capabilities.
6. Mature. Meaning that above qualities are part of person's fundamental character and unlikely to change.
7. Willing to honestly and openly discuss problems with you. Responsive to those discussions.

When you find someone with those things, marry him. If any one of the above is lacking, look for the exit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 31. Stop overthinking things and just get married.

That's the thing if I marry.I really and truly hope it's a one time thing, but it's too early to be considering marriage seriously with this guy.

I think I'm just a little surprised at how different he is from what I thought my ideal would be, and that I still like being around him.

In the past any little thing that bothered me put me off a guy rather quickly, so far that hasn't been the case with him.

I think maybe I am finally growing up a bit and starting to consider what really matters to me.

I mentioned my ex because he was what I thought I wanted and I know of and on for 18 months seems dodgy, but within that time the times we were together it was serious, and things ended because I realized I could never be me and be with him, even though he was exactly what I had dreamed up in my younger days.

But why couldn't you be you? Was he judgmental or react negatively? Or was it just a fear that he wouldn't accept/love you as you really are?

[Anonymous]

Op, there is no "One". When you want to me married, find someone who also wants to be married, someone who values marriage. Find someone who is kind and sees you in a good light. And then know there will be differences and stresses - you will have to build a life together to minimize problems - and not push each other's buttons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 31. Stop overthinking things and just get married.

That's the thing if I marry.I really and truly hope it's a one time thing, but it's too early to be considering marriage seriously with this guy.

I think I'm just a little surprised at how different he is from what I thought my ideal would be, and that I still like being around him.

In the past any little thing that bothered me put me off a guy rather quickly, so far that hasn't been the case with him.

I think maybe I am finally growing up a bit and starting to consider what really matters to me.

I mentioned my ex because he was what I thought I wanted and I know of and on for 18 months seems dodgy, but within that time the times we were together it was serious, and things ended because I realized I could never be me and be with him, even though he was exactly what I had dreamed up in my younger days.

But why couldn't you be you? Was he judgmental or react negatively? Or was it just a fear that he wouldn't accept/love you as you really are?

More like this. I felt I had to be someone I wasn't. I know part of being with someone is changing and growing together and encouraging each other to be their best version blah blah blah, but you can't be afraid to be who you are or ashamed to share certain things about yourself/ family for fear of not measuring up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO, the following are non-negotiable (your list may vary). In rough order:

1. Absolute trust.
2. Shared life vision & values (same attitude about life goals, kids, money, etc.).
3. You have fun together, even when doing everyday tasks.
4. Attraction/sexual compatibility.
5. Similar intellectual capabilities.
6. Mature. Meaning that above qualities are part of person's fundamental character and unlikely to change.
7. Willing to honestly and openly discuss problems with you. Responsive to those discussions.

When you find someone with those things, marry him. If any one of the above is lacking, look for the exit.

Great list, couldn't agree more... but is one strike and he's out a bit harsh. How about two?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO, the following are non-negotiable (your list may vary). In rough order:

1. Absolute trust.
2. Shared life vision & values (same attitude about life goals, kids, money, etc.).
3. You have fun together, even when doing everyday tasks.
4. Attraction/sexual compatibility.
5. Similar intellectual capabilities.
6. Mature. Meaning that above qualities are part of person's fundamental character and unlikely to change.
7. Willing to honestly and openly discuss problems with you. Responsive to those discussions.

When you find someone with those things, marry him. If any one of the above is lacking, look for the exit.

Thank you for this!

[Anonymous]

Bottom line: can you imagine being mom to children with similar traits to what he has, whatever that may be.