Reply to Deciding to have kids later- do you regret/ are you happy?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]One more major point from me (immediate PP):  *if* you decide not to pursue having kids or if you find yourselves unable to do so, you may find yourself perpetually defending your choice to others.  Don't waste emotional energy on that.  If it's truly your decision not to have children, that's your business, and it's a decision you can embrace.  If you're unable to do so despite your desire, that's still your business, and while you will come to terms with it, you will need all your emotional energy focused on accepting that course, not defending it.

I spent many, many years fending off comments and criticisms (however well-intentioned) from parents, family, colleagues, friends, even strangers:  I wish I'd spent that time and that energy on other, more productive things.

Good luck![/quote]

NP here.  I'm 39.  My husband and I were ambivalent about kids.  But then we decided to go for it.  Three miscarriages later, I'm not sure it's going to happen.  I have endured so many hostile, mean-spirited, and passive-aggressive comments from inlaws.  I would love to just cut them out of my life, but my husband doesn't want to.  At this point, I feel like a failure, and the things other people say to me only feed that horrible feeling.

I put off having kids for very good reasons.  My husband and I are extremely responsible.  I didn't want to do something I wasn't 100 percent on board with.  I also grew up with a lot of financial uncertainty (Dad faced layoffs a lot).  And I think that made me feel like I had to wait to have kids until I felt completely secure financially.  It was really only recently that I realized I'll never feel completely secure financially -- I'll always worry about unexpected events and possibilities.

But when people say nasty comments about how I was selfish to wait or foolish to wait, I get upset.  Waiting wasn't selfish.  I've always viewed bringing a life into this world as a very serious commitment.  But people are almost gleeful in their insults -- like an "ha ha, you waited too long."  Part of it is that inlaws see me as a feminist, progressive type.  And they all hate that.  I've never pushed my ideas on them (even when they've said flat out racist or bigoted things), but I think they see the childless thing as deserved punishment.

That is actually the most difficult part.

Who knows, maybe I'll surprise them all by getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy and a healthy child.  At this point, though, I fear that if that were to happen, they'd always be looking for something wrong with the child -- you know, because I'm an "older" mother.

It's sad how mean people can be.[/quote]

I'm sorry people are so terrible. You should see a reproductive endocrinologist if you haven't already.[/quote]

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