Sad about extended family Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're trying to have 4 adults and 4 children share a 3 BDR house for multiple days. Yes some people would be OK with this but your sister (and it seems like your mom) isn't. Why don't you give them a break from you and your family. Visit another time and let you sister have a chance to stay with your mom.

In the grand scheme of life, is alienating your sister worth the friendship between the cousins? I guarantee you and she will get along much better if you skip this year.

Don't bet on it. I'll offer to stay home. But I'll mkae my feelings about it plain, which is more than anyone else can say in my family.

[Anonymous]

It does appear that your sister no longer wants a shared Christmas with your family and your mom knows it but didn't want to hurt your feelings. Alternating the holidays and going to your parents' home when your sister and her family are not there might be your only choice.

[Anonymous]

I think one sister's family should come a few days before Christmas and stay Mom's house. Op's family can arrive on Christmas Eve and check into a hotel. Op and her family can go over to Mom's house for Christmas dinner and then return to the hotel to sleep. Then go back to celebrate Christmas day. The next day, Op and her family check out of the hotel and go to Mom's house. Sis's family has the option of going home or checking into a hotel themselves and visiting during the day.

[Anonymous]

I second all the recommendations to call you sister, hear it from her, and then call you mom and ask what she wants. Personally, it sounds like your sister is behaving childishly not telling you straight for years. But there could be misunderstandings. I am one of those people who dreads time with the in-laws when cramped quarters are involved, but I've done things like sleep in the unfinished basement with no ceiling insulation so you hear every single step the moment anyone wakes up, or slept on the couch on the LR which is the room in which everyone stays up late (3am) and the room in which kids start playing at 6:30am. Oh, and sometimes there has been 1.5 bathrooms for 10+ people to share. There probably isn't a polite way to let your sister know it could be worse but family is family and cramped quarters for 1-2 days is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're trying to have 4 adults and 4 children share a 3 BDR house for multiple days. Yes some people would be OK with this but your sister (and it seems like your mom) isn't. Why don't you give them a break from you and your family. Visit another time and let you sister have a chance to stay with your mom.

In the grand scheme of life, is alienating your sister worth the friendship between the cousins? I guarantee you and she will get along much better if you skip this year.

Don't bet on it. I'll offer to stay home. But I'll mkae my feelings about it plain, which is more than anyone else can say in my family.

You just lost me with the tone in this email, OP. Sounds like there's a lot you aren't telling us about the dynamic here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's 3br/2.5 baths. Spare rooms each have a queen.

I'm not staying in a hotel December 24th. How would Santa do his job?? I would rather be at home than that.

Ok, so your sister and her Dh get one Queen bed, you and your Dh get the other....and the kids go where? Maybe sister and/or BIL aren't comfortable with their kids sleeping on the floor. Or sharing a bathroom with you and your family.

Yes, kids on floor/air mattresses. We're talking 24-36 hours. If my sister is the one with the issue, then I think SHE should make the alternate arrangements. I'm fine with splitting the space equally. If my mom would like me NOT to come to her house for Christmas, I'd like her to say so. Directly. And say why.

Op, if your mom is happy with everyone there, I'm 100% with you. If your sister doesn't like it, she can adjust her plans. You shouldn't have to adjust yours. If each family gets a room, then everything is fair.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you and your mom both want your family there, stay there. Invite your sister and then let her make her own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sister has kids also. FWIW, she has not said one word of this to me. It's all come thru my mom, and again, not in plain words.

And I'm not playing dumb now that my mom has inferred all of this. Before I really didn't know. My sister and I are not super close. But my kids and her kids adore each other - I think they all behave fine.

OP, if your mom thought your sister was wrong, she would have told your sister that it was up to her whether to come or not but she was going to invite everyone, and wouldn't have brought this issue to you. She brought it to you because she agrees with your sister, but couched it in terms of your sister's feelings because she's afraid of your reaction if she says it to you directly. In order to have people speak to you directly, you need to be someone who can be spoken to directly. You need to be someone who will hear people out, respect their right to have their own feelings, do an honest self-assessment of the validity of their opinions, and be open to finding a resolution. Given that both your mom and your sister seemingly are afraid to talk to you directly, and given how hostile you've been to people here who don't agree with you, I suspect you're not the kind of person who can be spoken to directly. I'd try to take this episode as an opportunity to do some serious self-reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's 3br/2.5 baths. Spare rooms each have a queen.

I'm not staying in a hotel December 24th. How would Santa do his job?? I would rather be at home than that.

Ok, so your sister and her Dh get one Queen bed, you and your Dh get the other....and the kids go where? Maybe sister and/or BIL aren't comfortable with their kids sleeping on the floor. Or sharing a bathroom with you and your family.

Yes, kids on floor/air mattresses. We're talking 24-36 hours. If my sister is the one with the issue, then I think SHE should make the alternate arrangements. I'm fine with splitting the space equally. If my mom would like me NOT to come to her house for Christmas, I'd like her to say so. Directly. And say why.

Op, if your mom is happy with everyone there, I'm 100% with you. If your sister doesn't like it, she can adjust her plans. You shouldn't have to adjust yours. If each family gets a room, then everything is fair.

I agree. And, I don't understand how people cannot suck up family time in a small home for 36 hours. OR let OP host, taking the burden off of everyone? It's Christmas. OP's sister sounds like a peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's 3br/2.5 baths. Spare rooms each have a queen.

I'm not staying in a hotel December 24th. How would Santa do his job?? I would rather be at home than that.

Ok, so your sister and her Dh get one Queen bed, you and your Dh get the other....and the kids go where? Maybe sister and/or BIL aren't comfortable with their kids sleeping on the floor. Or sharing a bathroom with you and your family.

Yes, kids on floor/air mattresses. We're talking 24-36 hours. If my sister is the one with the issue, then I think SHE should make the alternate arrangements. I'm fine with splitting the space equally. If my mom would like me NOT to come to her house for Christmas, I'd like her to say so. Directly. And say why.

Op, if your mom is happy with everyone there, I'm 100% with you. If your sister doesn't like it, she can adjust her plans. You shouldn't have to adjust yours. If each family gets a room, then everything is fair.

I agree. And, I don't understand how people cannot suck up family time in a small home for 36 hours. OR let OP host, taking the burden off of everyone? It's Christmas. OP's sister sounds like a peach.

Personally, I'm not interested in a Christmas where my kids don't sleep the night before because they're on the floor, I don't sleep well because the noise from the kids on the floor is waking me up, and everyone is cranky and prone to meltdowns the next day. I want my Christmas to be peaceful and enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Fine, but I think the solution to not crowding is to stay in a hotel. Not to tell your sister she can't come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fine, but I think the solution to not crowding is to stay in a hotel. Not to tell your sister she can't come.

Did she say the sister can't come, or just that they take turns staying at a hotel so the cost/effort is shared equally?

I'd love to hear the sister's side of this, because I strongly suspect it would give some interesting color to this thread.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom may be the one with the issue here and she's afraid to say so to you because you make it so very clear that to you, it is simply not Christmas unless you and your family are under her roof.

She may feel overwhelmed by having two entire families in her house at the same time--yes, even for a mere 36 hours. And those feelings would be totally understandable for her to have -- but you don't seem willing to try to understand that. I don't get a sense that you are at all able to try to be objective long enough to see that you are putting a lot of pressure on your mom when you make so clear that it is only Christmas if it is at HER house and you are all together. She knows that she will be branded as having "ruined Christmas" not just for you but for your kids if she comes out and says, "I'd really like a year off hosting all of you at once." Please try to ramp back your own expectations and assumptions that Christmas must be only one way, one day, one place.

Any chance that your mom's health is not what it was? That despite help from the adults, she's just getting to feel it's too much? That the preparation for all of you coming is something of which she's tiring? She has a right to feel that way, even if she's always said it's great and she doesn't mind the preparation. Check in with her -- ask, and be clear you're open to an answer you don't like. Dont' just assume that she's dandy with it all just because she always says she is. Parents can get into a routine of trying to please their kids and fulfill their kids' expectations, especially about holidays.

[Anonymous]

My mom is healthy as a horse and loves hosting. And she is equally (if not more so) concerned about upsetting my sister than me. My sister is the one who stomped home like a petulant child a few years ago because she can't share a bathroom for 1 day. If she and her family need perfect conditions then I feel like she should stay home to create those conditions.

I would much rather squish in and be with my whole family than be at my big spacious house without them. My grandmother (mom's mom) spent every Christmas Eve/morning with me until she died.

And my mom wouldn't hear of her grandchildren sleeping in a hotel on Christmas Eve. Any of them. Over her dead body, of this I am sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is healthy as a horse and loves hosting. And she is equally (if not more so) concerned about upsetting my sister than me. My sister is the one who stomped home like a petulant child a few years ago because she can't share a bathroom for 1 day. If she and her family need perfect conditions then I feel like she should stay home to create those conditions.

I would much rather squish in and be with my whole family than be at my big spacious house without them. My grandmother (mom's mom) spent every Christmas Eve/morning with me until she died.

And my mom wouldn't hear of her grandchildren sleeping in a hotel on Christmas Eve. Any of them. Over her dead body, of this I am sure.

Did you actually ask her about this directly? Or are you making assumptions?