Sad about extended family Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No OP, but I can't imagine waking up Christmas morning without my kids, even if they are at their grandparents. I'd miss them, and they'd miss me. Maybe they'd befine as they got older, but just seems sad.

OP here. This. Plus hotel options near my parents are not exactly stellar. I tried to say up thread that a hotel (for anyone) was not on the table. I'm really okay now. I think the bigger concern is that this is one of the few times a year we'd even see my sister and her kids, so I think it's only going to grow more distance between us. But as many of you kindly pointed out, maybe she wants that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No OP, but I can't imagine waking up Christmas morning without my kids, even if they are at their grandparents. I'd miss them, and they'd miss me. Maybe they'd befine as they got older, but just seems sad.

OP here. This. Plus hotel options near my parents are not exactly stellar. I tried to say up thread that a hotel (for anyone) was not on the table. I'm really okay now. I think the bigger concern is that this is one of the few times a year we'd even see my sister and her kids, so I think it's only going to grow more distance between us. But as many of you kindly pointed out, maybe she wants that.

I really think you're throwing out the baby with the bathwater here, OP. Your kids (presumably) want to see their cousins. You don't know for sure that your sister doesn't want to see you. You definitely want to see your mom and your extended family. All you know is that she doesn't want to be crammed into the house, which many, many PP's have agreed is totally legitimate. STOP BEING SO ALL OR NOTHING. It's gonna kill your relationships all over the place.

Your kids don't have to wake up without you on Christmas morning if you sleep at a hotel. Set your alarm to wake up before them and be at your mom's when they wake up. So what if hotel options aren't great -- you are going to be spending most of your time at the house unwrapping presents and having Christmas dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am trying to preserve the magical Christmases of my childhood for my own children. No part of which took place in a hotel! Seriously whoever keeps suggesting this can stop. If the aforementioned magical Christmas is going to be dismantled, I do not need to sit in a hotel while it happens. The damage is done at that point. Do all of you really have Christmas traditions that can be replicated in a Courtyard Marriott?!? Because I will be cold and dead before my children hang their stockings up there.

You can preserve the magic and it may be easier for Santa to come too. Both families stay in the hotel, Santa leaves presents for the kids at grandma's house so when you go there Christmas morning, magic happens. I think it'd be more magical to spend Christmas with all the family (night at the hotel, all day at grandmas) than to spend it at home along without the family. And I'm not even all that fond of mine.

As my parents acquired more grandchildren, our sleeping arrangements changed repeatedly. At this point, we have been staying in a hotel longer than we have done anything else, and the hotel is one of the things my kids love about Christmas.

Your magic is not their magic.

I think they believed in Santa a little longer than they might have -- they saw the additional presents under the tree when we returned on Christmas morning, and they knew DH and I couldn't have been the ones to put them there.

[Anonymous]

I would never agree to spend Christmas mashed into a 3 bedroom house with my sister and her family and my parents. Share a bathroom with my BIL? No. It is my holiday too and my children aren't missing anything by their mother having some privacy and enjoying the holiday herself. If I wanted to spend the holiday with my family, I would stay in a hotel. If my mom had a problem with it, it would be her problem not mine. And her choice would be all of us together on Christmas morning or not. And if she chose not to have us all together, my family would have its own Christmas together and enjoy some face timing over Christmas breakfast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No OP, but I can't imagine waking up Christmas morning without my kids, even if they are at their grandparents. I'd miss them, and they'd miss me. Maybe they'd befine as they got older, but just seems sad.

OP here. This. Plus hotel options near my parents are not exactly stellar. I tried to say up thread that a hotel (for anyone) was not on the table. I'm really okay now. I think the bigger concern is that this is one of the few times a year we'd even see my sister and her kids, so I think it's only going to grow more distance between us. But as many of you kindly pointed out, maybe she wants that.

This is a separate issue from Xmas. If you want your kids to spend more time with their cousins, invite your sister and her kids to visit you more often or plan an additional visit to them (if she's willing to host). All you can do is make your best effort to be inclusive and accommodating. If she resists well then it's out of your hands. But you should at least try to have the conversation with her rather than assuming what she's thinking/feeling.

I never spend Xmas with my sister and her kids -- they live on the other side of the country and my parents alternative holidays between us. But we ALWAYS go for a week in the summer and fit in other trips as possible. Sure, it would be great to see them more but she's a single mom with an inflexible job so she doesn't have the money or vacation time to come visit us every year. She did make the effort to come visit when my babies were born, which I appreciated. I also grew up far from my cousins and saw them only every 2-3 years throughout my childhood but I loved those visits and still enjoy my relationships with them (yay for Facebook).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is stopping you from asking your mother and your sister directly what they want? You're utterly convinced you're right and your mom will agree with you, so what is there to lose?

I am definitely NOT convinced my mom will agree with me. I am convinced she would be fine with us all there if my sister was. I don't feel like having a conversation with my mom about my "poor sister." I would like my mom to have the guts to say to me, "you can't come for Christmas because your sister doesn't want you to." And if that is not the reason, I'd like to know what is the reason.

OP, is anyone actually suggesting that you can't come to Christmas at all, or would it be acceptable to take turns staying at a hotel? Either way, I'm going to go back to my comment about being someone people can talk to. You are so hostile to people here questioning your assumptions about what's going on, it's no wonder no one wants to talk to you frankly.

I am trying to preserve the magical Christmases of my childhood for my own children. No part of which took place in a hotel! Seriously whoever keeps suggesting this can stop. If the aforementioned magical Christmas is going to be dismantled, I do not need to sit in a hotel while it happens. The damage is done at that point. Do all of you really have Christmas traditions that can be replicated in a Courtyard Marriott?!? Because I will be cold and dead before my children hang their stockings up there.

My LORD. You are a drama queen. FFS, lady, you need to dial it down about 10 notches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is stopping you from asking your mother and your sister directly what they want? You're utterly convinced you're right and your mom will agree with you, so what is there to lose?

I am definitely NOT convinced my mom will agree with me. I am convinced she would be fine with us all there if my sister was. I don't feel like having a conversation with my mom about my "poor sister." I would like my mom to have the guts to say to me, "you can't come for Christmas because your sister doesn't want you to." And if that is not the reason, I'd like to know what is the reason.

OP, is anyone actually suggesting that you can't come to Christmas at all, or would it be acceptable to take turns staying at a hotel? Either way, I'm going to go back to my comment about being someone people can talk to. You are so hostile to people here questioning your assumptions about what's going on, it's no wonder no one wants to talk to you frankly.

I am trying to preserve the magical Christmases of my childhood for my own children. No part of which took place in a hotel! Seriously whoever keeps suggesting this can stop. If the aforementioned magical Christmas is going to be dismantled, I do not need to sit in a hotel while it happens. The damage is done at that point. Do all of you really have Christmas traditions that can be replicated in a Courtyard Marriott?!? Because I will be cold and dead before my children hang their stockings up there.

My LORD. You are a drama queen. FFS, lady, you need to dial it down about 10 notches.

Imagine OP when her children are planning their weddings.

[Anonymous]

Imagine her poor kids when they're grown and they have different ideas from Mommy Dearest about what constitutes a "magical Christmas." God forbid one of them perhaps spend it at their own home, their in-laws, or GASP, horror of all horrors, in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine her poor kids when they're grown and they have different ideas from Mommy Dearest about what constitutes a "magical Christmas." God forbid one of them perhaps spend it at their own home, their in-laws, or GASP, horror of all horrors, in a hotel.

There will probably be many hotel holidays in their futures....St. Bart's, Hawaii, Paris, Barcelona, Aspen, etc., just to avoid the drama.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine her poor kids when they're grown and they have different ideas from Mommy Dearest about what constitutes a "magical Christmas." God forbid one of them perhaps spend it at their own home, their in-laws, or GASP, horror of all horrors, in a hotel.

There will probably be many hotel holidays in their futures....St. Bart's, Hawaii, Paris, Barcelona, Aspen, etc., just to avoid the drama.....

YES!!! Suddenly there are going to be these "unknown reasons" they can't attend! Just like the sister!

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll post ....

[Anonymous]

I only speak for myself, but I really hate "cramming in" even if it's only for a night or two. There is no privacy and stuff/bodies everywhere. Your expectation that other people are okay with that situation is A little self centered. I also don't think it's fair for you to expect your sister to stay in a hotel with her family. Maybe if you took turns staying in a hotel?

[Anonymous]

NP here that has read many, but not all, of the pages in this thread.

OP- the title of this thread strikes a chord. I think it is ok for you to be sad, but perhaps for different reasons then I believe you have stated. It's sad to think your family tradition is ending or changing. Absolutely. But so is life....you are setting yourself up for a lot of hardship if you can't learn to be fluid with traditions. Your own kids may or may not adopt your traditions when they are older. Will that be sad, similar to the current situation you're facing? Yes.

But how you choose to embrace this change, and that which will surely come with your own children, will be the key to creating happiness and evolving traditions. Let your kids see you adapt and find a new happiness in these changes. It's fine to think fondly about traditions growing up; it makes for awesome storytelling. But don't hold your happiness, and your kids', hostage to the past.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems to me that after this whole thread you are going to agree to alternate.

BUT in your mind you are the victim here, and you will nurse this grudge and blame and blame and blame your sister, saying she is the one who is playing the victim, etc. etc. It will poison Christmases for you. Enjoy that bitter poison. It seems very much in keeping with the spirit of the season--you know, generosity, kindness, Christ and forgiveness, etc.

Of course, the other alternative is that you could just CALL YOUR SISTER, listen to her thoughtfully and respectfully, ask her what her concerns are, and see if you can work out a compromise that really and truly makes you both happy. But, if you try that, you don't get to feel all wronged and aggrieved and self-righteous.

How long are you and your sister going to carry on these destructive patterns? Is this what you want to teach your own kids? Merry Christmas.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Seriously -- grow up.
"What is wrong with alternating who stays at a hotel. Then everyone agrees what time you come to grandma's and open gifts. I could do this. I would rather do this than sleep on the dang living room floor. Everyone does not have a mansion that comfortably accomodates large numbers of people.
Plus, your refusal to even have the discussion with your mom and sister makes it seem as if you are more invested in being the victim than trying to work it out.