How young is too young for sex?

[Anonymous]

Do you know the boy's family? They should know, too. The girl is being exposed to pregnancy; the boy to jail time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

Yikes. Sounds like those parents are only going to add to this problem. If I knew that their MO would be to shame the girl and focus on their own humiliation then I might not say anything.

Humiliation or shame is not necessarily a bad thing. Ignore this poster OP and tell the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

Yikes. Sounds like those parents are only going to add to this problem. If I knew that their MO would be to shame the girl and focus on their own humiliation then I might not say anything.

I agree. This complicates it greatly.

No it doesn't. You still need to tell them. No matter what the mom does, it can't be worse than leaving this alone and letting the 13 year old girl continue what she's doing and possibly getting pregnant or getting an std or settling into a routine where having sex at 13 is normal. The girl can get over a little shaming about sex from her parents if that's what happens -- that's what happened to a lot of US as slightly older kids and we generally got over it. The other stuff is a much bigger hurdle to get past. TELL THE MOM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

Yikes. Sounds like those parents are only going to add to this problem. If I knew that their MO would be to shame the girl and focus on their own humiliation then I might not say anything.

Humiliation or shame is not necessarily a bad thing. Ignore this poster OP and tell the parents.

I don't think that humiliation or shame in this case would be useful. However, I think it's the lesser of two evils, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely tell the parents.

[Anonymous]

I am coming with a different perspective.

I would tell them with an anonymous letter sent to them because if this parent is that ashamed, it will probably ruin your relationship with her and your child will be known as the tattletale and it could ruin not only her friendship with this but girl but her high school social life.

[Anonymous]

If this is one of your closest friends I think you can approach it in a way that is loving and kind. You do not even have to tell her you know for sure; a simple: "I am very worried about Jane. I understand that she is hanging around with a much older boy and I'm not exactly t sure what is going on, but the age difference makes me very concerned." If she seems dismissive, then you can add that you've heard they may be having sex. As everyone else has said, 13-year-olds are not emotionally equipped to have sex and there has to be a great deal of coercion (overt or not) with the boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am coming with a different perspective.

I would tell them with an anonymous letter sent to them because if this parent is that ashamed, it will probably ruin your relationship with her and your child will be known as the tattletale and it could ruin not only her friendship with this but girl but her high school social life.

I disagree. This would make me paranoid as to who knows? I wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eye. I may even be angry with my kid cause "everyone else knows".

No, 10:19 is right. You can certainly do this in a kind and loving manner.

[Anonymous]

How did you find out, and are you sure? There were always these sorts of rumors at that age, but as an adult I know that none of them turned out to be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you find out, and are you sure? There were always these sorts of rumors at that age, but as an adult I know that none of them turned out to be true.

This matters. What exactly do you know? You have to be very sure of the situation before you go blowing up this girl's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you find out, and are you sure? There were always these sorts of rumors at that age, but as an adult I know that none of them turned out to be true.

I don't know...

I once saw a middle school couple routinely go off into the woods together and stay there for a while. I was with my own similarly aged kids. These kids were not friends of my kids and I really didn't know the parents. I was not the only adult who saw them go off into the woods together. Of course, they could have been going into those woods to play card games for all I know. I have no first hand knowledge (or any knowledge) of what they were up to.

I was busy with my own kids and I really didn't think much about it at the time - not my business. But I wonder if the parents of those kids would have appreciated knowing that their kids were disappearing into the woods like that.... I honestly have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

Yikes. Sounds like those parents are only going to add to this problem. If I knew that their MO would be to shame the girl and focus on their own humiliation then I might not say anything.

I agree. This complicates it greatly.

No it doesn't. You still need to tell them. No matter what the mom does, it can't be worse than leaving this alone and letting the 13 year old girl continue what she's doing and possibly getting pregnant or getting an std or settling into a routine where having sex at 13 is normal. The girl can get over a little shaming about sex from her parents if that's what happens -- that's what happened to a lot of US as slightly older kids and we generally got over it. The other stuff is a much bigger hurdle to get past. TELL THE MOM.

You know the one thing that directly lead to my irresponsible risk taking as a young teen? My shame-driven, moralizing parents who would never admit the role their crappy parenting played in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

Yikes. Sounds like those parents are only going to add to this problem. If I knew that their MO would be to shame the girl and focus on their own humiliation then I might not say anything.

I agree. This complicates it greatly.

No it doesn't. You still need to tell them. No matter what the mom does, it can't be worse than leaving this alone and letting the 13 year old girl continue what she's doing and possibly getting pregnant or getting an std or settling into a routine where having sex at 13 is normal. The girl can get over a little shaming about sex from her parents if that's what happens -- that's what happened to a lot of US as slightly older kids and we generally got over it. The other stuff is a much bigger hurdle to get past. TELL THE MOM.

You know the one thing that directly lead to my irresponsible risk taking as a young teen? My shame-driven, moralizing parents who would never admit the role their crappy parenting played in the first place.

You know the one thing that directly lead to MY irresponsible risk taking as a young teen? Me being an idiotic young teen and making poor decisions. If you're honest with yourself, PP, you'll realize it was the same for you.

OP, tell the mom. If the mom seems to react poorly, then talk to the girl and offer to take her for birth control.

[Anonymous]

Could Op be charged with contributing to the deliquency of a minor if she helps a 13 year old girl obtain BC in order to have sex with her 17 year old boyfriend??

Why not talk to the parents of the boy?

[Anonymous]

You need to tell the mother what you know -- not what you've concluded, but what you actually know/observed/heard/seen.

I think the mother will be supportive. But, if she denies or accuses you, then the correct thing to do is contact the school counselor. You do not take the 13 yr. old to get birth control -- not that you could anyway b/c she is a minor and would need parents permission to be treated by a doctor.