How young is too young for sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am coming with a different perspective.

I would tell them with an anonymous letter sent to them because if this parent is that ashamed, it will probably ruin your relationship with her and your child will be known as the tattletale and it could ruin not only her friendship with this but girl but her high school social life.

I disagree. This would make me paranoid as to who knows? I wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eye. I may even be angry with my kid cause "everyone else knows".

No, 10:19 is right. You can certainly do this in a kind and loving manner.

I completely disagree

I don't think I could go to a person (other than 2 very close friends that I have) and say to their face "your daughter is having sex." That is a crazy conversation to have with casual friends who seem uptight about their daughter to begin with. You have no idea which direction it will go in, if they will believe you, if your own child gets ousted from a social group in school because of it. If you become labeled the "nosy or gossipy" mom and other parents veer away. And honestly unless you literally saw them having sex or one of them told you in sincerity that they did, then you are not 100% sure. Are you really going to just go and say this?

My concern is not with if the mom will be paranoid by not knowing who told her. It is getting her attention without putting my family in harms way with too much attention. Just a quick note to say "I am concerned your daughter MAY be sexually active and for her safety and well being, I wanted you to know. This information is not being spread (as far as I know) and it may not be 100% true but the information I received was enough that I wanted to let you know.

The End. You did your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am coming with a different perspective.

I would tell them with an anonymous letter sent to them because if this parent is that ashamed, it will probably ruin your relationship with her and your child will be known as the tattletale and it could ruin not only her friendship with this but girl but her high school social life.

I disagree. This would make me paranoid as to who knows? I wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eye. I may even be angry with my kid cause "everyone else knows".

No, 10:19 is right. You can certainly do this in a kind and loving manner.

I completely disagree

I don't think I could go to a person (other than 2 very close friends that I have) and say to their face "your daughter is having sex." That is a crazy conversation to have with casual friends who seem uptight about their daughter to begin with. You have no idea which direction it will go in, if they will believe you, if your own child gets ousted from a social group in school because of it. If you become labeled the "nosy or gossipy" mom and other parents veer away. And honestly unless you literally saw them having sex or one of them told you in sincerity that they did, then you are not 100% sure. Are you really going to just go and say this?

My concern is not with if the mom will be paranoid by not knowing who told her. It is getting her attention without putting my family in harms way with too much attention. Just a quick note to say "I am concerned your daughter MAY be sexually active and for her safety and well being, I wanted you to know. This information is not being spread (as far as I know) and it may not be 100% true but the information I received was enough that I wanted to let you know.

The End. You did your part.

Different poster here. To the PP who says "leave an anonymous note" -- there is NO WAY any reputable counselor or child health expert would suggest what you have suggested. That is just crazy talk -- leaving an anonymous note!

OP knows the girl and her mom. That alone is enough for OP to be "the village" and help the girl's mom out. Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news, but being a hero takes courage. OP needs to be a hero for this girl and the girl's mom. OP need not jump to conclusions are judgments. OP need only approach the mom where it is private and they have time to talk. OP should say that it's hard for her to bring this up, but she is very concerned about what she has seen/heard/observed and then lay out what OP actually knows. Then OP offers to help the mom or girl anyway she can and she listens to what the girl's mom has to say.

Anything short of this is just cowardly and gossipy. If OP left a note, there would be no way for the girl's mom to ask further questions or get support. OP has the opportunity to be a hero and help the mom process this in a compassionate way. Life is complex... we don't reduce the complexity of human interactions by leaving anonymous notes.

[Anonymous]

"conclusions OR judgments"

[Anonymous]

OP, why not talk to the girl's guidance counselor at school? Tell her what you know, and follow the counselor's advice. She's a professional who deals with this stuff all the time.

[Anonymous]

In a perfect world, you would talk to the girl's mom face to face in privacy. She would be embarrassed/shocked/appalled but thankful that you told her about it and she would handle it.

In reality, the mom may not be such a peach herself which is why she has no clue (or doesn't care) that her 13 year old daughter is darting behind buildings and hanging out in parked cars with a horn dog 17 year old. You could take it upon yourself to tell this mom and she might decide to make you wish that you had kept your mouth shut about her kid and your nose out of their business.

In some cases it's a choice between leaving an anonymous note or saying nothing.

[Anonymous]

How do you KNOW she is having sex? Did you hear her say it? Otherwise, unless you saw a video (which is whole 'nother can of worms), you don't KNOW. I think you need to talk face to face with the other mom with the *facts* that you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am coming with a different perspective.

I would tell them with an anonymous letter sent to them because if this parent is that ashamed, it will probably ruin your relationship with her and your child will be known as the tattletale and it could ruin not only her friendship with this but girl but her high school social life.

I disagree. This would make me paranoid as to who knows? I wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eye. I may even be angry with my kid cause "everyone else knows".

No, 10:19 is right. You can certainly do this in a kind and loving manner.

I completely disagree

I don't think I could go to a person (other than 2 very close friends that I have) and say to their face "your daughter is having sex." That is a crazy conversation to have with casual friends who seem uptight about their daughter to begin with. You have no idea which direction it will go in, if they will believe you, if your own child gets ousted from a social group in school because of it. If you become labeled the "nosy or gossipy" mom and other parents veer away. And honestly unless you literally saw them having sex or one of them told you in sincerity that they did, then you are not 100% sure. Are you really going to just go and say this?

My concern is not with if the mom will be paranoid by not knowing who told her. It is getting her attention without putting my family in harms way with too much attention. Just a quick note to say "I am concerned your daughter MAY be sexually active and for her safety and well being, I wanted you to know. This information is not being spread (as far as I know) and it may not be 100% true but the information I received was enough that I wanted to let you know.

The End. You did your part.

Different poster here. To the PP who says "leave an anonymous note" -- there is NO WAY any reputable counselor or child health expert would suggest what you have suggested. That is just crazy talk -- leaving an anonymous note!

OP knows the girl and her mom. That alone is enough for OP to be "the village" and help the girl's mom out. Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news, but being a hero takes courage. OP needs to be a hero for this girl and the girl's mom. OP need not jump to conclusions are judgments. OP need only approach the mom where it is private and they have time to talk. OP should say that it's hard for her to bring this up, but she is very concerned about what she has seen/heard/observed and then lay out what OP actually knows. Then OP offers to help the mom or girl anyway she can and she listens to what the girl's mom has to say.

Anything short of this is just cowardly and gossipy. If OP left a note, there would be no way for the girl's mom to ask further questions or get support. OP has the opportunity to be a hero and help the mom process this in a compassionate way. Life is complex... we don't reduce the complexity of human interactions by leaving anonymous notes.

There is no way I would do this as a parent and you aren't going to be looked at like the hero in anyone's eyes. And I agree the OP's daughter will take the fall for this. She tattled. My guess is you haven't dealt with parents/teens before? An incident happened like this in my DD's group with a girl cutting herself. The parent that went to the other parent are no longer friends. The daughter was labeled a snitch and a horrible friend, and that was the end of all that happy loving hero helping.

The PP who said to go the counselor - maybe that is a good idea but we are all agreeing that the OP hasn't even said she knows for certainty, correct? I am not sure if I would do anything at this point unless I absolutely knew. Even my daughter coming and telling me isn't a 100% truth.

[Anonymous]

13:33 -- read the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees" and then come back and talk to me. The author uses a strategy called SEAL when you need to say something difficult. It does not involve leaving anonymous notes or texting people. I never said that OP would be appreciated and hailed as a hero for giving this info -- but, she would, in fact, BE a hero for stepping up for this 13 yr. old, her health and her future. Heros aren't always given a parade, but doing the right thing under difficult circumstances = being a hero.

[Anonymous]

Also, please read the passage in the book (QueenBees and Wannabees") that defines the difference b/t "tattling" and "telling" -- you seem to be confused.

It is not tattling when someone is getting hurt or likely to get hurt.

[Anonymous]

^Yep, and that will be the last time that anyone tells that mother anything about her kid. Once bitten...

[Anonymous]

I want you to tell me if my DS or DD was having sex at any age, until college. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:33 -- read the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees" and then come back and talk to me. The author uses a strategy called SEAL when you need to say something difficult. It does not involve leaving anonymous notes or texting people. I never said that OP would be appreciated and hailed as a hero for giving this info -- but, she would, in fact, BE a hero for stepping up for this 13 yr. old, her health and her future. Heros aren't always given a parade, but doing the right thing under difficult circumstances = being a hero.

But if being a hero and saying something means that your own kid will suffer social repercussions is it worth saying something?

I think you really have to be careful. Not all parents react well to someone sticking their nose into their business and saying stuff about their kid. The defense weaponry goes up and watch out...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want you to tell me if my DS or DD was having sex at any age, until college. Period.

Me too! And if you seem like a reasonable person I would tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am coming with a different perspective.

I would tell them with an anonymous letter sent to them because if this parent is that ashamed, it will probably ruin your relationship with her and your child will be known as the tattletale and it could ruin not only her friendship with this but girl but her high school social life.

I disagree. This would make me paranoid as to who knows? I wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eye. I may even be angry with my kid cause "everyone else knows".

No, 10:19 is right. You can certainly do this in a kind and loving manner.

I completely disagree

I don't think I could go to a person (other than 2 very close friends that I have) and say to their face "your daughter is having sex." That is a crazy conversation to have with casual friends who seem uptight about their daughter to begin with. You have no idea which direction it will go in, if they will believe you, if your own child gets ousted from a social group in school because of it. If you become labeled the "nosy or gossipy" mom and other parents veer away. And honestly unless you literally saw them having sex or one of them told you in sincerity that they did, then you are not 100% sure. Are you really going to just go and say this?

My concern is not with if the mom will be paranoid by not knowing who told her. It is getting her attention without putting my family in harms way with too much attention. Just a quick note to say "I am concerned your daughter MAY be sexually active and for her safety and well being, I wanted you to know. This information is not being spread (as far as I know) and it may not be 100% true but the information I received was enough that I wanted to let you know.

The End. You did your part.

Different poster here. To the PP who says "leave an anonymous note" -- there is NO WAY any reputable counselor or child health expert would suggest what you have suggested. That is just crazy talk -- leaving an anonymous note!

OP knows the girl and her mom. That alone is enough for OP to be "the village" and help the girl's mom out. Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news, but being a hero takes courage. OP needs to be a hero for this girl and the girl's mom. OP need not jump to conclusions are judgments. OP need only approach the mom where it is private and they have time to talk. OP should say that it's hard for her to bring this up, but she is very concerned about what she has seen/heard/observed and then lay out what OP actually knows. Then OP offers to help the mom or girl anyway she can and she listens to what the girl's mom has to say.

Anything short of this is just cowardly and gossipy. If OP left a note, there would be no way for the girl's mom to ask further questions or get support. OP has the opportunity to be a hero and help the mom process this in a compassionate way. Life is complex... we don't reduce the complexity of human interactions by leaving anonymous notes.

There is no way I would do this as a parent and you aren't going to be looked at like the hero in anyone's eyes. And I agree the OP's daughter will take the fall for this. She tattled. My guess is you haven't dealt with parents/teens before? An incident happened like this in my DD's group with a girl cutting herself. The parent that went to the other parent are no longer friends. The daughter was labeled a snitch and a horrible friend, and that was the end of all that happy loving hero helping.

The PP who said to go the counselor - maybe that is a good idea but we are all agreeing that the OP hasn't even said she knows for certainty, correct? I am not sure if I would do anything at this point unless I absolutely knew. Even my daughter coming and telling me isn't a 100% truth.

Who cares if the girls aren't friends anymore? My only concern would be that a sexually active 13 yo girl would be getting the help she obviously needs. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

I can't deal with these people who are too afraid to do the right thing. Life isn't always easy, but that's why we wear our big girl pants. What would you want someone to do for you?

Take a deep breath and tell the mom. Don't be condescending. Say this could have happened to your own kid, it's just the luck of the draw. Say you don't know for sure but you saw/heard ______ (whatever it is), and you're willing to help in any way you can. Ask her to agree to talk to you if something like this happens to your daughter.

Good luck.