How young is too young for sex?

[Anonymous]

In my household, when kids are financially independent, they can have sex.

Kylie Jenner can have sex. She is worth 4 million dollars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:too young tell the parents

if this were a year from now the boy would be months away from committing statutory rape.

3+ years is a HUGE difference at that age. The parents need to know.

Not just the girl's parents. The boys' parents.

[Anonymous]

In all of these issues, it is important to put the onus on both sets of parents - the teen boys and the teen girls. However, a 3-year age difference puts the onus on the older teen boy. OP, I am glad that you informed the parents as even the most involved parents can miss things at times, especially if there are more than one or two children in the families. Also, one never knows the inner workings of a family at a particular time as there could be any number of demand on a parent which just might be overwhelming and taking their eyes and ears off the ball for even a short time - (illness of another child, loss of job, illness or ongoing saga of aging parent(s), illness of oneself or spouse).

I do think that for a 13 year old that there is an obligation to inform the parents or if there is a situation that one clearly knows of that would rule this out, then Child Protective Services to get the teen out of the home situation,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young teens having sex is not healthy.

Young teens can have healthy sex or unhealthy and risky sex. Much the same way anyone can have healthy sex or unhealthy/risky sex. I don't think a blanket such determination can be made.

IMO healthy relationships, access to information, access to health resources, and a true understanding of informed consent are the necessary ingredients for having sex to be healthy. Not all people or all relationships are equal, and I certainly think it is possible for a teen to be having safe, healthy sexual relations.

Not that I did not say it was ever ideal. The only reason I believe it is inherently a bad idea for young teens to have sex, however, is the practical aspect of our laws. Frankly, I find our age of consent laws utterly ridiculous, and I wish our laws were more similar to the laws in the Netherlands. Were it not for U.S. law, I would say teen sex, like all sex, ought to be a carefully considered choice for each individual and couple.

To give my opinion on the question in the thread title, in an ideal or theoretical world, puberty. In the U.S. right now, any age before it is legal to be having sex with whoever the teen is having sex with, not because I believe the law has the right idea but simply because the potential consequences are just not worth it in our current justice system.

Theoretically and ethically, I do not believe it is best to tell the parent. I don't think it is truly anyone's business other than the people engaging in the sexual activity, unless there is good reason to believe it is nonconsensual sex. What I would ideally like to see is a legal and societal framework where kids in and after puberty have private access to all manner of healthcare, ranging from primary care to mental health care to care for sexual and reproductive issues. I would prefer it if methods of birth control were easily available to all people, including teens, and if legally teens could choose to involve their parents or other trusted adults in their medical care. I think parental notification laws and requiring teen patients to be accompanied to (any type of) medical appointments by their parents are inherently unethical. I don't think it is a parent's business whether or with whom their teens are sexually active, unless the teen chooses to share. In my case as a parent, one of my DDs told me as soon as she was considering becoming intimate with her BF, one told me a bit after the fact, and one told me only years later that she had been sexually active for a while. They always had access to birth control and regular appointments with the gynecologist regardless, and none of the kids appear to be having any problems resulting from having first had sex at a range of ages from 12 to 21. I always told my daughters that they were in charge of their bodies and that they were the ones to decide what to consent to... and IMO if this is going to work for empowering people to say no, it also needs to apply to choosing to say yes.

That said, that's all a theoretical answer to the question posed by the title, which I think is a bit different than the question in OP's situation. That question isn't "is the teen too young?" it is "do I need to tell the parents?" While I would argue against the morality, I think practically speaking yes, OP did need to do as she did and inform the parents.
The young lady didn't appear from OP's post to have had access to reliable sources of information about her sexual health and the choices she was making. The current legal situation doesn't really allow anyone other than the parents to truly step in and provide all the resources needed to make safe and informed decisions or see to the girl's medical care. The legal situation is potentially precarious for the young teen and older partner. And there is some minor possibility OP could become viewed as complicit in the situation if anything was legally off and she allowed it to go on when she had suspicions it was occurring.

Thus, although I truly think it is wrong to inform anyone about anyone else's sex life unless abuse is suspected, and although I believe it is wrong to restrict teen sexuality the way we do and especially to allow parents to be the ones to do so, I would reluctantly agree with the consensus on this thread for purely practical reasons.

Thank you!

I don't necessarily agree that the onset of puberty should also mean the ability to consent (I was 8 when menstruation started...), but I do agree that kids need to be empowered to own their own choices and take responsibility for their health. My mother started giving information early, way before we talked to peers or heard about things in school. She was open to discussing any and all issues. When she had a miscarriage when I was three, she explained that there had been a baby growing, but something happened and the baby died. When she had her tubes tied when I was 4, she explained that our family couldn't support more than 3 children without depending on government assistance, and that she was taking precautions so that she could take care of all of us, herself included. When I was 5 and asked about why more brother looked different than my sister and I, she explained sex, reproduction and taking care of my body. We talked about the issues with pregnancies too close together (grandmother wasn't expected to survive when she was born), kids having kids (aunt who had a baby just after turning 15), violence while pregnant, and that every girl or woman has the right to say yes or no. When I was in kindergarten, I answered questions that the teacher was forbidden to discuss, and kids went home to parents to talk; parents tried to have the teacher fired for not stopping the conversations, even though some happened on the playground. When I started my period at 8, I knew what was happening, how to put a pad in my underwear, where my mother's tampons were if I wanted to try one, and that I could tell my mother without fear or embarrassment. When I crushed on someone, I told her, and we discussed good and bad points of a relationship with that person, regardless of their age or gender, and I was told consistently that when I was ready, any protection I wanted would be available, just don't let myself feel pressured. When a man thought I was 17-18 instead of 13 and tried to hand me a cup of beer at a party with family and friends, I didn't know until later that my mother was listening while I told him exactly what I thought of him; he was going after a girl who he knew was much younger than he was, he was trying to give beer to someone he knew was under 21, he was bringing an open container rather than a closed can which she could open and know wasn't tainted. When I was raped at 15, I knew I could go to my mother, no shame, and I had immediate access to the morning after pill and I could have had an abortion, if I needed it. The most interesting thing to me: Of all the kids in my graduating class (small boarding school, yes, I know this as verifiable fact), there were three girls who hadn't had sex, and every single boy had had sex with at least two girls. I was one of those three girls, and all three of us had parents who informed us, supported us, and encouraged us to take responsibility for ourselves. One girl's parents told her that they were legally responsible for her bills and paying for her healthcare until she turned 18, but they also made sure that she knew that she would be the responsible party for a baby. The other girl's parents were strict Catholics, and while they pushed abstinence and abhorred the idea of an abortion (my friend would never have considered it either), they made the point that birth control can be forgiven. Now, yes, I encourage kids to abstain until they are sure that it's a healthy relationship that is going to last more than 6 months. And when a 13 year old doesn't want me to go into the gynecologist's office with her, that's fine, I trust that she will talk to me. When there are no secrets and kids don't feel like they have to hide, they are more likely to live up to the best that can be expected, not descend below a parent's worst fears.

With that said, this is about a 13 year old that is not OP's daughter, and a boy who may be 16 or 17. My theory is usually that MYOB is the best policy, unless someone may be irreparably harmed, which is the case here. I would talk to the girl first, because if she has the knowledge and access to be safe, I don't consider it her parent's business. If she didn't have knowledge, I would provide it, and take the consequences if necessary. If she didn't have access, I would find out why and try to rectify that, though there is a limit to what an unrelated adult may do about healthcare (providing condoms is the least important, imo). As a last resort, I would talk to her parents. As the age of the boy is in question, I would ascertain it first. If he's 16, it's not a crime, but I would discuss the ramifications about dating someone significantly younger. If he's 17, yes, it's a crime, and I would discuss the legal issues and let him have a chance the end the relationship. Only if he didn't end it would I approach his parents. By 16-17, he has had all the information required, and there is less understanding because the following year he would be an adult. Yes, it's harsh, but he has to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What is best for their health is to give their parents the knowledge they need to protect them from themselves.

At 13 year old having sex is clearly demonstrating they lack the awareness, judgement, and ability to make decisions necessary to keep themselves safe, and do not possess the ability to do things with any regard for their own well being. A child making that stupid of a decision does not have the rational intelligence necessary to take care of herself should she develop and STD or complications from an abortion. These are decisions that affect the rest of her life, and a kid who is deemed too young by the law to tattoo her own body, drive a car, take her own tylenol or midol at school or sign herself out of school on a whim, along with a whole host of other things, does not have the ability or maturity to free reign manage her own sex life. Additionally, if they are having sex at 13 they are more likely than not being taken advantage of by someone who does not have their best interest in mind.

Keeping it from their parents is irresponsible and not in the best interest of the child.

Surely that depends on the particular child's particular parents?

For the vast majority of children.

+1! Also, it's not for OP to determine the fitness of the girl's parents. OP did the right thing by informing them. Who would assume that the girl's parents are or aren't the ones to know this information? They need to know the information.

[Anonymous]

"I know that a newly 13 year old girl is having sex with a 16 almost 17 year old."

First, it IS a felony in Md. and Va. even if the boy is 16 b/c a person under 14 cannot give consent.

Second, this girl JUST TURNED 13. Let's say she had her bday last month -- it would have also been statutory rape in DC last month! In fact, it might still be statutory rape and provable in court (if the girl or the sex was in DC) as long as the girl can state that it happened when she was 4 yrs. younger than the boy.

The fact that it is PRESUMPTIVELY sexual abuse for anyone under 14 to have sex should be a wake up call for some of you who think it's all about privacy and empowering the girl. Social mores say that it is not healthy for anyone to be having sex with a 13 yr. old. 13 yr. olds cannot think through the long term implications. And we're not talking about an "almost 14 yr old" -- we're talking about someone who was 12 a very short time ago.... she is newly 13.

This 16, almost 17 yr. old is preying on the girl who just turned 13. I wonder if he has any photos of her on his phone... child pornography charges, anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my household, when kids are financially independent, they can have sex.

Kylie Jenner can have sex. She is worth 4 million dollars.

The Olsen Twins were financially independent by 10yrs old.

[Anonymous]

"I know that a newly 13 year old girl is having sex with a 16 almost 17 year old."

First, it IS a felony in Md. and Va. even if the boy is 16 b/c a person under 14 cannot give consent.

Second, this girl JUST TURNED 13. Let's say she had her bday last month -- it would have also been statutory rape in DC last month! In fact, it might still be statutory rape and provable in court (if the girl or the sex was in DC) as long as the girl can state that it happened when she was 4 yrs. younger than the boy.

The fact that it is PRESUMPTIVELY sexual abuse for anyone under 14 to have sex should be a wake up call for some of you who think it's all about privacy and empowering the girl. Social mores say that it is not healthy for anyone to be having sex with a 13 yr. old. 13 yr. olds cannot think through the long term implications. And we're not talking about an "almost 14 yr old" -- we're talking about someone who was 12 a very short time ago.... she is newly 13.

This 16, almost 17 yr. old is preying on the girl who just turned 13. I wonder if he has any photos of her on his phone... child pornography charges, anyone?

NP here...and given these legal implications, I would be VERY VERY careful about how one engages with the girl or her parents; (IIRC) knowledge of criminal activity, in this case after the fact, without reporting it to law enforcement may have the potential to expose that individual to being charged as an accessory to the crime.

Not to be a buzzkill, but the law is the law...whatever your good intentions, don't hang yourself out to dry on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it even ethical to approach a 13yo child that is not your own and say I know you are having sex do you need me to take you to get birth control or do you need condoms?

No! If this person is friends with the mother, she needs to tell the mother and let her parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

I think you are conflating two issues that should be separated:

1) Yes, teenagers have sex and , no, though we can " check in " on BC and self esteem/ healthy relationships, we can't " make them stop"

2) the 13 year old is a child, not physically mature enough to be having sex and def not emotionally mature enough. She is being abused . She is too young for consent and this isn't " sex" , its sexual abuse.

Yes, you should tell your friend and likely this is a police matter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young teens having sex is not healthy.

I would talk to the girl first, because if she has the knowledge and access to be safe, I don't consider it her parent's business.

She's 13 years old!!! It's the parents' business. No amount of knowledge and access will keep her safe. This is inherently unsafe.

[Anonymous]

I was 15 when I first had sex. I would have died a thousand deaths if someone had told my very prudish and Victorian mother. Her sex ed to me: I was a virgin till I was married/end.

So before you stir things up, look into the situation more carefully. You could cause a lot of harm by interfering. If you have to do something, speak to the girl directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 15 when I first had sex. I would have died a thousand deaths if someone had told my very prudish and Victorian mother. Her sex ed to me: I was a virgin till I was married/end.

So before you stir things up, look into the situation more carefully. You could cause a lot of harm by interfering. If you have to do something, speak to the girl directly.

Guy here. You must be my sibling, because we had the same mother.

The problem with that approach is it encourages people to marry earlier, and make bad choices. I did not get married until I was 35.

Now, as for the question about how young is too young...that is tricky. My daughter is 13 and I know she is too young. I will talk to her about birth control soon, though.
But, when I was 17, I had a relationship with a girl that was 14. We did everything but...and I was not pressuring her in anyway (confirmed that years later when). Was she too young? At the time, I would have said NO, but today, I would say YES. And that is the problem.

Our kids don't have our experience from life. They often think they are old enough to do things when we say no. I can not keep my kid from smoking, from drugs/alcholol. I can make it hard to get, and I can make sure she understands the dangers. (I am confident my daughter will not smoke, and she says the right thing about drugs / drinking). Sex? I know she is very curious. But she thinks boys her age are disgusting (because they are LOL).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

tell her asap, via text or some other way without her knowing who is telling. write her a note,

[Anonymous]

Statutory rape is the name for this. The older child could be jailed. That said...I would want to know. You owe it to your friend to help her protect her child. This boy might be having sex with many other young girls. Pregnancy, STDs HPV cancers...do you want to remain silent when the stakes are this high. Call her now.