How young is too young for sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that was hard Op but you did the right thing and it sounds as though these parents are going to make sure that this stops.

They can't, though. (I'm not the OP.) She was already deceiving her parents. If all that her parents do is forbid her more from doing things she was already forbidden from doing, that will only lead to further deception.

She's 13 and that means that she is still reliant on her parents to get around and go places. Obviously the girl needs more supervision because she can not be trusted at this point.

That sucks for all involved. But it is most certainly possible to keep her supervised.

Or perhaps if they had trusted her more to begin with, things wouldn't have gotten to this point. But who knows.

By the way, there are plenty of places where a 13-year-old does not need to rely on their parents to get around.

Hold up. So allowing a 13 year old girl to date a 17 year old boy to date is going to keep them from having sex?

There is obviously something going on in the home life--- trust issues, self esteem issues, addiction, rebellion for some reason, something....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Hold up. So allowing a 13 year old girl to date a 17 year old boy to date is going to keep them from having sex?

Maybe. My parents allowed me to date a 24-year-old when I was 17, and we didn't have sex. Or maybe allowing a 13-year-old girl to date boys closer to her own age would have stopped her from dating, not to mention having sex with, a 17-year-old boy.

Do you remember being a teenager? For many teenagers, nothing is more enticing than something your parents forbid you to do because they say you're too young.

PP, maybe that worked out for you, but it's not a common experience. Who knows? Maybe you dated that one 24 year old man who was not looking for sex when dating, but if I had a teenage daughter, I'd want to know who she's dating his (or her) age and what they are doing. That would go for my son as well. An odd age difference is a warning sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that was hard Op but you did the right thing and it sounds as though these parents are going to make sure that this stops.

They can't, though. (I'm not the OP.) She was already deceiving her parents. If all that her parents do is forbid her more from doing things she was already forbidden from doing, that will only lead to further deception.

She's 13 and that means that she is still reliant on her parents to get around and go places. Obviously the girl needs more supervision because she can not be trusted at this point.

That sucks for all involved. But it is most certainly possible to keep her supervised.

Or perhaps if they had trusted her more to begin with, things wouldn't have gotten to this point. But who knows.

By the way, there are plenty of places where a 13-year-old does not need to rely on their parents to get around.

Hold up. So allowing a 13 year old girl to date a 17 year old boy to date is going to keep them from having sex?

There is obviously something going on in the home life--- trust issues, self esteem issues, addiction, rebellion for some reason, something....

I don't know 13 year olds seem to be far more sexual and sexualized now. Sadly you can witness it on any social media. It doesn't necessarily mean its their home life but more like peer pressure to fit in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that was hard Op but you did the right thing and it sounds as though these parents are going to make sure that this stops.

They can't, though. (I'm not the OP.) She was already deceiving her parents. If all that her parents do is forbid her more from doing things she was already forbidden from doing, that will only lead to further deception.

She's 13 and that means that she is still reliant on her parents to get around and go places. Obviously the girl needs more supervision because she can not be trusted at this point.

That sucks for all involved. But it is most certainly possible to keep her supervised.

Or perhaps if they had trusted her more to begin with, things wouldn't have gotten to this point. But who knows.

By the way, there are plenty of places where a 13-year-old does not need to rely on their parents to get around.

Hold up. So allowing a 13 year old girl to date a 17 year old boy to date is going to keep them from having sex?

There is obviously something going on in the home life--- trust issues, self esteem issues, addiction, rebellion for some reason, something....

I don't know 13 year olds seem to be far more sexual and sexualized now. Sadly you can witness it on any social media. It doesn't necessarily mean its their home life but more like peer pressure to fit in.

They said that when I was a teen in the 1980s and it's still a fallacy. Tweens are still children and, no matter how society has changed, they are too young to have sex. OP did the right thing because the parents need to know both what the girl was doing and that she was lying to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Hold up. So allowing a 13 year old girl to date a 17 year old boy to date is going to keep them from having sex?

Maybe. My parents allowed me to date a 24-year-old when I was 17, and we didn't have sex. Or maybe allowing a 13-year-old girl to date boys closer to her own age would have stopped her from dating, not to mention having sex with, a 17-year-old boy.

Do you remember being a teenager? For many teenagers, nothing is more enticing than something your parents forbid you to do because they say you're too young.

PP, maybe that worked out for you, but it's not a common experience. Who knows? Maybe you dated that one 24 year old man who was not looking for sex when dating, but if I had a teenage daughter, I'd want to know who she's dating his (or her) age and what they are doing. That would go for my son as well. An odd age difference is a warning sign.

I'm the PP you're responding to, and yes, absolutely it's a warning sign. The situation in the OP is a bad situation. But it sounds to me like maybe it's a bad situation rooted in too much parental forbidding already, in which case more parental forbidding alone won't improve the situation.

[Anonymous]

Last week I read a student essay by a girl who had "dated" a senior when she was in 8th grade; she is now a freshman and describes the experience as a positive one, but also in a breathy, girlish way that underscores her immaturity, and also the "cool factor" and peer validation that motivated her to stay in the "relationship. She is a nice girl, and a good writer/student, but it made me so sad... Her mom is a "cool mom" who seems to preen and take great pride in her daughter's sexuality, beauty, and popularity, and this girl just really wants someone to parent her.

No, 13 is not old enough for sex or dating older boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last week I read a student essay by a girl who had "dated" a senior when she was in 8th grade; she is now a freshman and describes the experience as a positive one, but also in a breathy, girlish way that underscores her immaturity, and also the "cool factor" and peer validation that motivated her to stay in the "relationship. She is a nice girl, and a good writer/student, but it made me so sad... Her mom is a "cool mom" who seems to preen and take great pride in her daughter's sexuality, beauty, and popularity, and this girl just really wants someone to parent her.

No, 13 is not old enough for sex or dating older boys.

Silly girl, thinking that she knows more about her own situation than some anonymous person on the Internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last week I read a student essay by a girl who had "dated" a senior when she was in 8th grade; she is now a freshman and describes the experience as a positive one, but also in a breathy, girlish way that underscores her immaturity, and also the "cool factor" and peer validation that motivated her to stay in the "relationship. She is a nice girl, and a good writer/student, but it made me so sad... Her mom is a "cool mom" who seems to preen and take great pride in her daughter's sexuality, beauty, and popularity, and this girl just really wants someone to parent her.

No, 13 is not old enough for sex or dating older boys.

Silly girl, thinking that she knows more about her own situation than some anonymous person on the Internet.

Oh, I would say that the pp has a much better understanding of that situation than the 13 year old does. I have a 13 year old and there is no way in hell that I would allow a relationship like that. And honestly I really don't associate with any parents who would. That is too young and WAY too big of an age difference at that age.

Op was a sweetheart for telling that mother about this.

[Anonymous]

Wait until the mom comes onto DCUM to post about what to do with her sequally active 13yr old and sees this post. Then I am sure the messenger and her will remain close friends.

Either way I am curious what the fallout will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until the mom comes onto DCUM to post about what to do with her sequally active 13yr old and sees this post. Then I am sure the messenger and her will remain close friends.

Either way I am curious what the fallout will be.

I showed her this thread both because I wanted to be completely upfront with her and because there is some really good advice and support here.

My friend and I are just the same or maybe closer. She understands why I hesitated and why I told her. She is grateful to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until the mom comes onto DCUM to post about what to do with her sequally active 13yr old and sees this post. Then I am sure the messenger and her will remain close friends.

Either way I am curious what the fallout will be.

I showed her this thread both because I wanted to be completely upfront with her and because there is some really good advice and support here.

My friend and I are just the same or maybe closer. She understands why I hesitated and why I told her. She is grateful to know.

And this is where we find out what was obvious from the beginning. OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until the mom comes onto DCUM to post about what to do with her sequally active 13yr old and sees this post. Then I am sure the messenger and her will remain close friends.

Either way I am curious what the fallout will be.

I showed her this thread both because I wanted to be completely upfront with her and because there is some really good advice and support here.

My friend and I are just the same or maybe closer. She understands why I hesitated and why I told her. She is grateful to know.

And this is where we find out what was obvious from the beginning. OP is a troll.

I am not sure what was obvious from the beginning or why my being honest makes me a troll but please don't derail this thread. There may be others who have children this age and as I said there is really good advice and support here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell the mother what you know -- not what you've concluded, but what you actually know/observed/heard/seen.

I think the mother will be supportive. But, if she denies or accuses you, then the correct thing to do is contact the school counselor. You do not take the 13 yr. old to get birth control -- not that you could anyway b/c she is a minor and would need parents permission to be treated by a doctor.

You are incorrect.

A 13 year old does not need her parents' permission or even knowlege to get birth control, an abortion or treated for an STD.

It is unfortunate but this is the ridiculously stupid world we live in that puts a political issue ahead of the health, safety, well being and future of what are essentially children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spoke with my friend. Thank you for the advice. It went horribly and my heart is breaking for the family that is now dealing with this. Their daughter is not allowed to date yet and she had lied about her whereabouts when this incident occurred. It appears she and a few friends have been covering for each other quite a bit and this has been going on a few months. I am very grateful you all urged me to do the right thing.

Just to be clear I know without a doubt. I did not personally witness them having sex. The person who walked in on them told me. They are a family member who is the boys age. They told me because I am friends with the girls mother and because they too found the age difference concerning and her age concerning. They struggled with telling me just as I did with telling my friend.

I don't feel comfortable with any more details. I have already given more than I would have liked to.

I'm so glad you did, OP! Can we be friends? I would love to know my friends would tell me the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to my teenagers and sex and/or drugs. I love that you did what was right.

[Anonymous]

Op, you did the right thing. Also, I would remind friend not to be too harsh with the 13 year old, set limits for sure but not overboard, otherwise, other more dangerous issues can arise. Sadly, that happened with one of my co-worker's DD.
It's a very delicate balance and at that age they can be very fragile.