How young is too young for sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am coming with a different perspective.

I would tell them with an anonymous letter sent to them because if this parent is that ashamed, it will probably ruin your relationship with her and your child will be known as the tattletale and it could ruin not only her friendship with this but girl but her high school social life.

I disagree. This would make me paranoid as to who knows? I wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eye. I may even be angry with my kid cause "everyone else knows".

No, 10:19 is right. You can certainly do this in a kind and loving manner.

I completely disagree

I don't think I could go to a person (other than 2 very close friends that I have) and say to their face "your daughter is having sex." That is a crazy conversation to have with casual friends who seem uptight about their daughter to begin with. You have no idea which direction it will go in, if they will believe you, if your own child gets ousted from a social group in school because of it. If you become labeled the "nosy or gossipy" mom and other parents veer away. And honestly unless you literally saw them having sex or one of them told you in sincerity that they did, then you are not 100% sure. Are you really going to just go and say this?

My concern is not with if the mom will be paranoid by not knowing who told her. It is getting her attention without putting my family in harms way with too much attention. Just a quick note to say "I am concerned your daughter MAY be sexually active and for her safety and well being, I wanted you to know. This information is not being spread (as far as I know) and it may not be 100% true but the information I received was enough that I wanted to let you know.

The End. You did your part.

Different poster here. To the PP who says "leave an anonymous note" -- there is NO WAY any reputable counselor or child health expert would suggest what you have suggested. That is just crazy talk -- leaving an anonymous note!

OP knows the girl and her mom. That alone is enough for OP to be "the village" and help the girl's mom out. Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news, but being a hero takes courage. OP needs to be a hero for this girl and the girl's mom. OP need not jump to conclusions are judgments. OP need only approach the mom where it is private and they have time to talk. OP should say that it's hard for her to bring this up, but she is very concerned about what she has seen/heard/observed and then lay out what OP actually knows. Then OP offers to help the mom or girl anyway she can and she listens to what the girl's mom has to say.

Anything short of this is just cowardly and gossipy. If OP left a note, there would be no way for the girl's mom to ask further questions or get support. OP has the opportunity to be a hero and help the mom process this in a compassionate way. Life is complex... we don't reduce the complexity of human interactions by leaving anonymous notes.

There is no way I would do this as a parent and you aren't going to be looked at like the hero in anyone's eyes. And I agree the OP's daughter will take the fall for this. She tattled. My guess is you haven't dealt with parents/teens before? An incident happened like this in my DD's group with a girl cutting herself. The parent that went to the other parent are no longer friends. The daughter was labeled a snitch and a horrible friend, and that was the end of all that happy loving hero helping.

The PP who said to go the counselor - maybe that is a good idea but we are all agreeing that the OP hasn't even said she knows for certainty, correct? I am not sure if I would do anything at this point unless I absolutely knew. Even my daughter coming and telling me isn't a 100% truth.

Who cares if the girls aren't friends anymore? My only concern would be that a sexually active 13 yo girl would be getting the help she obviously needs. Good lord.

It sounds as though the hero who told on her friend was labeled a snitch and not only did she lose the friend she was trying to help but she was basically booted from this group of friends. That sounds cold and unfair but it would also be hard for a teen to try and do the right thing only to have it backfire so completely right back into her face.

[Anonymous]

I spoke with my friend. Thank you for the advice. It went horribly and my heart is breaking for the family that is now dealing with this. Their daughter is not allowed to date yet and she had lied about her whereabouts when this incident occurred. It appears she and a few friends have been covering for each other quite a bit and this has been going on a few months. I am very grateful you all urged me to do the right thing.

Just to be clear I know without a doubt. I did not personally witness them having sex. The person who walked in on them told me. They are a family member who is the boys age. They told me because I am friends with the girls mother and because they too found the age difference concerning and her age concerning. They struggled with telling me just as I did with telling my friend.

I don't feel comfortable with any more details. I have already given more than I would have liked to.

[Anonymous]

I like you, OP. Good on you. You can be my friend anytime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, please read the passage in the book (QueenBees and Wannabees") that defines the difference b/t "tattling" and "telling" -- you seem to be confused.

It is not tattling when someone is getting hurt or likely to get hurt.

Thanks for the definition. Every normal adult knows it is not tattling. Every 13yr old, her friends, her peer group and the entire high school KNOWS it is tattling. Sorry, I wouldn't subject my daughter to 4yrs of torture in high school because there may possibly be a 13yr old having sex. I would go to the counselor and that is it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update. What do you mean by it "went horribly"??? They did not believe you?

[Anonymous]

I know that was hard Op but you did the right thing and it sounds as though these parents are going to make sure that this stops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spoke with my friend. Thank you for the advice. It went horribly and my heart is breaking for the family that is now dealing with this. Their daughter is not allowed to date yet and she had lied about her whereabouts when this incident occurred. It appears she and a few friends have been covering for each other quite a bit and this has been going on a few months. I am very grateful you all urged me to do the right thing.

Just to be clear I know without a doubt. I did not personally witness them having sex. The person who walked in on them told me. They are a family member who is the boys age. They told me because I am friends with the girls mother and because they too found the age difference concerning and her age concerning. They struggled with telling me just as I did with telling my friend.

I don't feel comfortable with any more details. I have already given more than I would have liked to.

Good for you, OP. I think that you did the right thing.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's a good idea to forbid dating and (I'm inferring here) otherwise keep a teenage girl in ignorance. But the family didn't ask for your advice about this, let alone mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the update. What do you mean by it "went horribly"??? They did not believe you?

They were as you can imagine devastated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that was hard Op but you did the right thing and it sounds as though these parents are going to make sure that this stops.

They can't, though. (I'm not the OP.) She was already deceiving her parents. If all that her parents do is forbid her more from doing things she was already forbidden from doing, that will only lead to further deception.

[Anonymous]

Tell. See something, say something. Adults have the responsibility to help the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the update. What do you mean by it "went horribly"??? They did not believe you?

They were as you can imagine devastated.

I'm sure they were! I'm glad though that you were not looked upon negatively being just the messenger. I know as a parent I'd be wondering where the heck I went wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that was hard Op but you did the right thing and it sounds as though these parents are going to make sure that this stops.

They can't, though. (I'm not the OP.) She was already deceiving her parents. If all that her parents do is forbid her more from doing things she was already forbidden from doing, that will only lead to further deception.

She's 13 and that means that she is still reliant on her parents to get around and go places. Obviously the girl needs more supervision because she can not be trusted at this point.

That sucks for all involved. But it is most certainly possible to keep her supervised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that was hard Op but you did the right thing and it sounds as though these parents are going to make sure that this stops.

They can't, though. (I'm not the OP.) She was already deceiving her parents. If all that her parents do is forbid her more from doing things she was already forbidden from doing, that will only lead to further deception.

She's 13 and that means that she is still reliant on her parents to get around and go places. Obviously the girl needs more supervision because she can not be trusted at this point.

That sucks for all involved. But it is most certainly possible to keep her supervised.

Or perhaps if they had trusted her more to begin with, things wouldn't have gotten to this point. But who knows.

By the way, there are plenty of places where a 13-year-old does not need to rely on their parents to get around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that was hard Op but you did the right thing and it sounds as though these parents are going to make sure that this stops.

They can't, though. (I'm not the OP.) She was already deceiving her parents. If all that her parents do is forbid her more from doing things she was already forbidden from doing, that will only lead to further deception.

She's 13 and that means that she is still reliant on her parents to get around and go places. Obviously the girl needs more supervision because she can not be trusted at this point.

That sucks for all involved. But it is most certainly possible to keep her supervised.

Or perhaps if they had trusted her more to begin with, things wouldn't have gotten to this point. But who knows.

By the way, there are plenty of places where a 13-year-old does not need to rely on their parents to get around.

Hold up. So allowing a 13 year old girl to date a 17 year old boy to date is going to keep them from having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hold up. So allowing a 13 year old girl to date a 17 year old boy to date is going to keep them from having sex?

Maybe. My parents allowed me to date a 24-year-old when I was 17, and we didn't have sex. Or maybe allowing a 13-year-old girl to date boys closer to her own age would have stopped her from dating, not to mention having sex with, a 17-year-old boy.

Do you remember being a teenager? For many teenagers, nothing is more enticing than something your parents forbid you to do because they say you're too young.