How do you do it with small kids and a high stress job?

[Anonymous]

OP, get a new job. Examine your lifestyle, I'm sure you don't need to have all the things you do. Or get your partner to scale back his career and take on more of the stuff at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp s about limiting multi tasking and not combining the work and the home. That really helps me. Otherwise I'll be in a board meeting and trying to remember if I filled out the school permission form or whatever.

Also streamline your life. Quit what is not productive. Television. Internet junk. Facebook if necessary. DCUM (I really need to do this! That's my current time suck.)

And delegate at work and at home as much as possible. If you have staff be their ally and help them be competent so that you know that if you need to be home with a sick kid, they can cover for you. And have back up care options so that that doesn't happen a lot.

I'm unfortunately in a high profile high stress job that doesn't pay a lot so I haven't been able to outside too much at home. And to be honest, the house is sometimes or really oftentimes a mess. Sometimes something's gotta give.

That would do it for me. I'd be out immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 young kids and am in upper management.

I compartmentalize. When I go to work (at 7am)- I am fully engaged. I work at the office. I don't communicate with home during the day. I've tried to work at home a few times and failed miserably. I've become uber efficient. I've cut out most small talk and hypothesizing that can consume hours in a day. I am super productive at work.
And I leave by 6- no ifs ands or buts.

I use my train ride home to decompress and switch my frame of mind. I try to get all the negativity and overhanging issues out of my head.

When I get home- I am completely in family mode. I do dinner, baths, homework, bedtime, and am completely "present" with my kids. Then I try to make some time for my husband (our relationship often gets the short stick). Then only if necessary, I logon and work for another hour before bed- but always try to get to bed by 10:30.

My weekends are completely for family. I don't let work invade it. I may logon Sunday night to get a jumpstart on the week.

After you figure out how to compartmentalize and be as efficient as you can, then decide if your job is still a problem and switch jobs. I just find so many people complain how busy, stressed they are when they only have 1 child. I know it's just because they are inefficient. For instance, I get my groceries, Target, and another errand done from 8:30-10pm one night/week. I know several moms who can stretch this out to an 8 hour outing.

Kudos to you, but I could never spend such little time with my kids.

Such little time with his/her kids??? From dinner until bed time and all weekend? That's pretty normal, sanctimommy.

[Anonymous]

When I get home- I am completely in family mode. I do dinner, baths, homework, bedtime, and am completely "present" with my kids.


- If you have four younger children and you leave the office at 6:00 p.m. no ifs or buts, just how do you really have time to make the dinner during the week for family?? Or is it that you have a Nanny or DH who prepares the dinner and you put it on the table, but even then you are all not eating till close to 7:00 p.m .

- What exactly does DH do during the week to help you out as "super achiever" - laundry, nightly dishes, daily lunches, family laundry etc.?

- Something just seems out-of-wack with this scenario in that young children, even with a great Nannie, do not wait till close to 7:00 p.m. to start dinner, homework, baths?

OP - It might help you if you indicated with one 15 month old child, just how much your DH helps out or if you have shared with him your angst and had a conversation about how things at present might be shared? The idea to get a physical checkup and mental health screen is right on? Then to look at your profession and see what options might be there for reducing work load for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When I get home- I am completely in family mode. I do dinner, baths, homework, bedtime, and am completely "present" with my kids.


- If you have four younger children and you leave the office at 6:00 p.m. no ifs or buts, just how do you really have time to make the dinner during the week for family?? Or is it that you have a Nanny or DH who prepares the dinner and you put it on the table, but even then you are all not eating till close to 7:00 p.m .

I get home by 6:30 (quick train ride) Dinner is on the table when I get home and kids have often started eating. DH gets home earlier than me and either he or nanny makes dinner, often kid type food and so I might eat after everyone goes to bed. or we get pizza or carry out- easy.

- What exactly does DH do during the week to help you out as "super achiever" - laundry, nightly dishes, daily lunches, family laundry etc.?

DH gets off at 4:30, so he gets home earlier than me and had lots of family time. He prepares lunches. We throw all dishes (including pots) in dishwasher. Nanny does kid laundry. I do all other laundry at night or on weekends (fold during toddlers naptimes.) Like I said, I run all errands one night per week.

- Something just seems out-of-wack with this scenario in that young children, even with a great Nannie, do not wait till close to 7:00 p.m. to start dinner, homework, baths?

I throw 3 of the kids in the tub together from 7-8pm basically. maybe 2 or 3 baths per week. not daily- they are not that dirty. oldest child takes shower.
my 2 kids do homework when they get home from school, under direction of nanny, so I just take a half hour to review and help them correct mistakes. I'm trying to make them be as self sufficient as possible. Bedtime routine for toddlers at 8pm-8:30- they share a room. Bedtime routine for older kids from 8:30-9pm- they share a room. DH is actively involved in all this. ( I really sympathize with single parents, so hard to do it alone. It fully consumes both my DH and I.)

My salary doubled in my new upper management job that only requires me to put in an extra 5-10 hours per week. I now can fully fund 4 kids' private college tuitions if it happens. Our options as a family have opened up and I feel it would be selfish of me to go back.
Stress should equal more money. It's not worth it if the money isn't there.

OP - It might help you if you indicated with one 15 month old child, just how much your DH helps out or if you have shared with him your angst and had a conversation about how things at present might be shared? The idea to get a physical checkup and mental health screen is right on? Then to look at your profession and see what options might be there for reducing work load for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 young kids and am in upper management.

I compartmentalize. When I go to work (at 7am)- I am fully engaged. I work at the office. I don't communicate with home during the day. I've tried to work at home a few times and failed miserably. I've become uber efficient. I've cut out most small talk and hypothesizing that can consume hours in a day. I am super productive at work.
And I leave by 6- no ifs ands or buts.

I use my train ride home to decompress and switch my frame of mind. I try to get all the negativity and overhanging issues out of my head.

When I get home- I am completely in family mode. I do dinner, baths, homework, bedtime, and am completely "present" with my kids. Then I try to make some time for my husband (our relationship often gets the short stick). Then only if necessary, I logon and work for another hour before bed- but always try to get to bed by 10:30.

My weekends are completely for family. I don't let work invade it. I may logon Sunday night to get a jumpstart on the week.

After you figure out how to compartmentalize and be as efficient as you can, then decide if your job is still a problem and switch jobs. I just find so many people complain how busy, stressed they are when they only have 1 child. I know it's just because they are inefficient. For instance, I get my groceries, Target, and another errand done from 8:30-10pm one night/week. I know several moms who can stretch this out to an 8 hour outing.

Kudos to you, but I could never spend such little time with my kids.

Oh shut your sanctimonious hole. It takes select qualities and leadership skills to move up to high-level executive roles, even more challenging with balancing the needs of four children. Not many people - men or women - have the skills to cut it, likely including you. Stop using your inadequacy as being the sanctimonious poster child that you are being here. Signed, another executive-level mom of three young children who has no anxiety balancing it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I throw 3 of the kids in the tub together from 7-8pm basically. maybe 2 or 3 baths per week. not daily- they are not that dirty. oldest child takes shower.
my 2 kids do homework when they get home from school, under direction of nanny, so I just take a half hour to review and help them correct mistakes. I'm trying to make them be as self sufficient as possible. Bedtime routine for toddlers at 8pm-8:30- they share a room. Bedtime routine for older kids from 8:30-9pm- they share a room. DH is actively involved in all this. ( I really sympathize with single parents, so hard to do it alone. It fully consumes both my DH and I.)

That's gross. The kids are dirtier than you think, especially in the summer when they are out running around. And they don't wipe properly, so their bottoms are gross.

And if your DH gets home by 4:30, why doesn't he check the HW. What if they need help with HW? Does the nanny help them?

[Anonymous]

I don't have any answers for the OP on dealing with the stress except to downshift. Life is indeed too short and the OP has likely pissed away a substantial amount of it climbing the corporate/law firm/government ladder. I advocate to anyone who will listen that once they land a high-paying job in their late-20s/early-30s, they should bank as much money as possible. Don't buy the BMW, enormous house with the large mortgage, expensive vacations, etc... There is nothing wrong with buying a Honda, the small(er) home, modest vacation, etc.... The money you save will eventually save your life (or what's left of it).

Too many people who have spent 20+ years striving to reach a very high compensation level can't imagine living without it. It would be somehow shameful - i.e. admitting defeat - if you admitted that you can't hack it anymore. Newsflash - it's isn't defeat. It's actually declaring victory. Let yourself accept the fact that you "won" the game and that you have nothing left to prove.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I throw 3 of the kids in the tub together from 7-8pm basically. maybe 2 or 3 baths per week. not daily- they are not that dirty. oldest child takes shower.
my 2 kids do homework when they get home from school, under direction of nanny, so I just take a half hour to review and help them correct mistakes. I'm trying to make them be as self sufficient as possible. Bedtime routine for toddlers at 8pm-8:30- they share a room. Bedtime routine for older kids from 8:30-9pm- they share a room. DH is actively involved in all this. ( I really sympathize with single parents, so hard to do it alone. It fully consumes both my DH and I.)

That's gross. The kids are dirtier than you think, especially in the summer when they are out running around. And they don't wipe properly, so their bottoms are gross.

And if your DH gets home by 4:30, why doesn't he check the HW. What if they need help with HW? Does the nanny help them?

Not OP, but who cares if kids are a little dirty?

[Anonymous]

"Kudos to you, but I could never spend such little time with my kids."

Personally, I hate that I don't get home until 6pm, even though I spend all of the rest of the evening and all weekend with my child. To those critiquing the person who wrote the above, can't we all just agree that different people have different preferences? All we have is a small snapshot of eachother's lives. So yes, we make snap judgements and give advice. No need to get nasty about it.

And I completely agree with the PP's comment about declaring victory, not defeat. Well, I'm trying to convince myself of that because I would really like to quit my job for a few years and then possibly re-enter (though I'm a fed so that is pretty much an uphill battle).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I throw 3 of the kids in the tub together from 7-8pm basically. maybe 2 or 3 baths per week. not daily- they are not that dirty. oldest child takes shower.
my 2 kids do homework when they get home from school, under direction of nanny, so I just take a half hour to review and help them correct mistakes. I'm trying to make them be as self sufficient as possible. Bedtime routine for toddlers at 8pm-8:30- they share a room. Bedtime routine for older kids from 8:30-9pm- they share a room. DH is actively involved in all this. ( I really sympathize with single parents, so hard to do it alone. It fully consumes both my DH and I.)

That's gross. The kids are dirtier than you think, especially in the summer when they are out running around. And they don't wipe properly, so their bottoms are gross.

And if your DH gets home by 4:30, why doesn't he check the HW. What if they need help with HW? Does the nanny help them?

Not OP, but who cares if kids are a little dirty?

..the people have to deal with the stinky kids, like the teachers and parent volunteers.

so, what you're saying is that you're too busy to keep your kids clean. That PP who posted about the kids only having a bath 2/3 x per week has a nanny and a DH that gets home at 4:30. Either one of those grow ups could give those kids a bath on a daily if not every other day basis, but in the summer, it should be daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Kudos to you, but I could never spend such little time with my kids."

Personally, I hate that I don't get home until 6pm, even though I spend all of the rest of the evening and all weekend with my child. To those critiquing the person who wrote the above, can't we all just agree that different people have different preferences? All we have is a small snapshot of eachother's lives. So yes, we make snap judgements and give advice. No need to get nasty about it.

And I completely agree with the PP's comment about declaring victory, not defeat. Well, I'm trying to convince myself of that because I would really like to quit my job for a few years and then possibly re-enter (though I'm a fed so that is pretty much an uphill battle).

I'm the "victory" poster above. I wouldn't advocate leaving your Fed job. No offense, but I was referring to the OP being in a high pay high stress job. As a fed, particularly a female fed, you may have more options to downshift while still staying employed. I'd explore these befor considering the idea of quitting and re entering the fed at a future date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i'm female. My husband is pretty good about helping out but also has a high stress job - actually, I take that back, I wouldn't say that his is necessarily high stress in the sense of mine, but he does work long hours and has to travel. We have a nanny and a cleaning lady. I guess I am looking for a magic trick that would just make it easier, but there probably isn't one. I know what I need to do and am trying to figure out an exit strategy.

OP, I have not read the entire thread, but take a deep breath. There are two of you pulling in money. Can you downsize your lives a little and scale back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm female. My husband is pretty good about helping out but also has a high stress job - actually, I take that back, I wouldn't say that his is necessarily high stress in the sense of mine, but he does work long hours and has to travel. We have a nanny and a cleaning lady. I guess I am looking for a magic trick that would just make it easier, but there probably isn't one. I know what I need to do and am trying to figure out an exit strategy.

OP, I have not read the entire thread, but take a deep breath. There are two of you pulling in money. Can you downsize your lives a little and scale back?

They could but their egos won't let them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Kudos to you, but I could never spend such little time with my kids."

Personally, I hate that I don't get home until 6pm, even though I spend all of the rest of the evening and all weekend with my child. To those critiquing the person who wrote the above, can't we all just agree that different people have different preferences? All we have is a small snapshot of eachother's lives. So yes, we make snap judgements and give advice. No need to get nasty about it.

And I completely agree with the PP's comment about declaring victory, not defeat. Well, I'm trying to convince myself of that because I would really like to quit my job for a few years and then possibly re-enter (though I'm a fed so that is pretty much an uphill battle).

I'm the "victory" poster above. I wouldn't advocate leaving your Fed job. No offense, but I was referring to the OP being in a high pay high stress job. As a fed, particularly a female fed, you may have more options to downshift while still staying employed. I'd explore these befor considering the idea of quitting and re entering the fed at a future date.

I am a GS-15 fed, and totally disagree with "victory" poster's broad assumptions about federal government. Do you assume we are all GS-9 analysts? High level jobs at places like NSC, Justice, Defense and State don't always lend themselves to the downshift options you refer to. I think your earlier advice DOES apply to the fed poster, and with tenure, she should feel comfortable knowing she has a slight leg up if she returns, even if hiring is super competitive right now. If you have a healthy TSP, a solid pension and perhaps other savings, why should she not explore downshifting now? If she has other options, then yes, explore them, but don't paint all fed jobs with the same brush. So much of those options are at a supervisor's discretion.