About to turn 54 and I'm having a wave of sadness and depression

[Anonymous]

^^^PP here. My doctor recommended this book and I am buying it today.

http://www.amazon.com/What-Are-You-Hungry-For/dp/0770437230

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^PP here. My doctor recommended this book and I am buying it today.

http://www.amazon.com/What-Are-You-Hungry-For/dp/0770437230

OP again for first time since Saturday. If only I had time, ability to sit still and energy to sit down and read such a book. Happy for you to be able to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to turn 54 and I suddenly feel very sad. My dh is at the end of the bed doing push ups and Dumbbells. He's lost weight such that his wedding band keeps flying off. I on the other hand have all sorts of health issues, keep gaining weight, have abandoned exercise (Heath concerns have interfered), am addicted to refined carbs and weigh 30 lbs too much. We have an adopted special needs child who is a lot of work although she's a sweet child. My parents are both deceased. My work is low pay and deadend. I have a few masters degrees. I don't have solid friendships They are more surface relationships. I'm in therapy. His and and I are in therapy. Feeling stuck. No family. Any advice from anyone whose been here? I know changing my diet and focusing on my we'll be my would help. Was supposed to celebrate tomorrow w dinner and a comedy club. Sitter just cancelled due to death in the family. Subs aren't available. Deep sigh. Thanks.

You do not have enough to do. I bet if your husband has stage 4 cancer, you'd wish for what you have now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a "few masters degrees"??? What does that mean??

I have skills and education and I need to get it together to reach my goal of being n business for myself where I earn well. I'm allowing myself to be robbed by my employer.

You are not a victim. You may be underemployed but that's not your employers fault. If you have the skills to work for yourself then do it. I did it at 49 and it's worked out well. But you can't wallow in self pity or play victim. Make some changes.

I don't believe I'm being a victim. I said I am allowing this situation to happen. I have a plan and I am working toward departure. Need to pass a professional exam which I'm studying for. No one is doing anything to me that I'm not responsible for. I'm seeing my life. I don't want it this way. I know that eating better will help me feel better. I used to exercise very strenuously to manage weight but I burnt out. I find comfort in food that only makes me feel worse. When I have given up gluten and sugar my outlook improved tremendously. I've just been unable to sustain it. One bite and I'm off to the races. Not sure how to sustain it. My DC is 8 so I've got a long way to go to empty nest time. DH told me tonight that I've been negative and hard to live with for the last few years. He said he's here til the end. I also see him getting fit, after being told he's pré diabetic with high blood presure and cholesterol and I feel I'm going the other way. That he's a nice looking trim 50 yo and I'm bloated and in extra physical pain because I'm carrying around 190 lbs on a 5 fr 7 frame. I'm exhausted and in pain daily. Just needed to share her because there is no where else to share at the moment. Thanks for your responses and suggestions. I'm praying for the willingness to do what I've got to do.
I'm at

I don't think you are a victim at all. I understand where you are coming from (older, two SN kids, lost career). Frankly, you sound depressed (and I mean that in a nice way). Can you start with a good physical with your internist to discuss these issues and to get on an anti-depressant? Then start exercise at a slow pace, picking up. Do one nice thing for yourself each day. Weight yourself daily (that's the only way that works for me - to keep me on track). Share with your husband your feelings and start working out with him in a way that you can share. Call Jill's House to see if you qualify for some time for yourself care. Keep your sleep on track. Read the SN forum - there are a lot of supportive people there who share when they are at the end of their ropes. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Op. I'm finally back. I went to therapy today and that helped me gain some perspective and to life up a bit from my despair. My birthday was fine. I was able to find a back up sitter and dh and I went to the club and laughed and laughed at comedians. On my birthday we did what I wanted which was to go to church, have lunch at a favorite Indian restaurant and went to listen to music I wanted to hear. I stopped at Starbucks and purchased a slice of lemon pound cake. When we got home I put a candle in it handed it to dh with matches and we sang happy birthday to me and split it 3 ways. They had gotten thoughtful cards which they gave me. I got a few unexpected calls and cards from friends. I try to keep expectations low about what others will do for me these days. Life is easier for me that way.

The two days after were harder. Felt low energy, unfocused, tired. Therapist reminded me today that I have PTSD. That does not make it easier. Took child to two medical appointments so far this week. Went to PT and then to get fitted for hearing aides. I burst into tears when there was loud screeching feedback coming from them into my brain. I can't ignore that I can't hear a lot and miss a lot these days.


I heard what you've shared about diet and exercise. I'm praying for the willingness to become active and give up refined foods. Thanks for your feeback and support. I hope we can keep in touch here.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos. I'm typing on my iPhone which is less than ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a "few masters degrees"??? What does that mean??

I have skills and education and I need to get it together to reach my goal of being n business for myself where I earn well. I'm allowing myself to be robbed by my employer.

You are not a victim. You may be underemployed but that's not your employers fault. If you have the skills to work for yourself then do it. I did it at 49 and it's worked out well. But you can't wallow in self pity or play victim. Make some changes.

I don't believe I'm being a victim. I said I am allowing this situation to happen. I have a plan and I am working toward departure. Need to pass a professional exam which I'm studying for. No one is doing anything to me that I'm not responsible for. I'm seeing my life. I don't want it this way. I know that eating better will help me feel better. I used to exercise very strenuously to manage weight but I burnt out. I find comfort in food that only makes me feel worse. When I have given up gluten and sugar my outlook improved tremendously. I've just been unable to sustain it. One bite and I'm off to the races. Not sure how to sustain it. My DC is 8 so I've got a long way to go to empty nest time. DH told me tonight that I've been negative and hard to live with for the last few years. He said he's here til the end. I also see him getting fit, after being told he's pré diabetic with high blood presure and cholesterol and I feel I'm going the other way. That he's a nice looking trim 50 yo and I'm bloated and in extra physical pain because I'm carrying around 190 lbs on a 5 fr 7 frame. I'm exhausted and in pain daily. Just needed to share her because there is no where else to share at the moment. Thanks for your responses and suggestions. I'm praying for the willingness to do what I've got to do.


I'm at

What is Jill's house pp? Thanks for your understanding. And, I live part time on the SN forum.


I don't think you are a victim at all. I understand where you are coming from (older, two SN kids, lost career). Frankly, you sound depressed (and I mean that in a nice way). Can you start with a good physical with your internist to discuss these issues and to get on an anti-depressant? Then start exercise at a slow pace, picking up. Do one nice thing for yourself each day. Weight yourself daily (that's the only way that works for me - to keep me on track). Share with your husband your feelings and start working out with him in a way that you can share. Call Jill's House to see if you qualify for some time for yourself care. Keep your sleep on track. Read the SN forum - there are a lot of supportive people there who share when they are at the end of their ropes. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to turn 54 and I suddenly feel very sad. My dh is at the end of the bed doing push ups and Dumbbells. He's lost weight such that his wedding band keeps flying off. I on the other hand have all sorts of health issues, keep gaining weight, have abandoned exercise (Heath concerns have interfered), am addicted to refined carbs and weigh 30 lbs too much. We have an adopted special needs child who is a lot of work although she's a sweet child. My parents are both deceased. My work is low pay and deadend. I have a few masters degrees. I don't have solid friendships They are more surface relationships. I'm in therapy. His and and I are in therapy. Feeling stuck. No family. Any advice from anyone whose been here? I know changing my diet and focusing on my we'll be my would help. Was supposed to celebrate tomorrow w dinner and a comedy club. Sitter just cancelled due to death in the family. Subs aren't available. Deep sigh. Thanks.

You do not have enough to do. I bet if your husband has stage 4 cancer, you'd wish for what you have now.

OP here. You have gall. Just because I did not go into the details of my dear child's constant life-threatening life-limiting illness does not mean I don't have a right to share here. If you have a family member who has stage 4 cancer and you need support I encourage you to do so. But, please don't try to down or shame me here. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Jill's House. STarted by McLean Bible Church and other groups to give parents of SN kids respite. https://www.facebook.com/jillshouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to turn 54 and I suddenly feel very sad. My dh is at the end of the bed doing push ups and Dumbbells. He's lost weight such that his wedding band keeps flying off. I on the other hand have all sorts of health issues, keep gaining weight, have abandoned exercise (Heath concerns have interfered), am addicted to refined carbs and weigh 30 lbs too much. We have an adopted special needs child who is a lot of work although she's a sweet child. My parents are both deceased. My work is low pay and deadend. I have a few masters degrees. I don't have solid friendships They are more surface relationships. I'm in therapy. His and and I are in therapy. Feeling stuck. No family. Any advice from anyone whose been here? I know changing my diet and focusing on my we'll be my would help. Was supposed to celebrate tomorrow w dinner and a comedy club. Sitter just cancelled due to death in the family. Subs aren't available. Deep sigh. Thanks.

OP, I am thinking of you. I saw your post yesterday and it resonated with me but didn't have time to write until now. I've been through some similar issues, hitting middle age, addiction to refined carbs, career stagnation, only surface friendships, no family nearby, and giving so much of myself to my son that I became a shell of my former self. Unlike your situation, DH is less motivated than me in terms of diet and exercise, but he is more motivated when he sees me doing more. Several of the PPs gave good advice. Here are some things that worked for me.

Create a list of time obligations and cross as many off your list as possible so that you create bubbles of free time (sometimes we just have a Netflix show and pick up takeout instead of going out for an entire evening and having to get child care). If you are not getting enough sleep, keep adjusting your bedtime by going to bed 15 minutes earlier than the previous day. Keep doing this until you wake up without an alarm clock with 2 hours of extra time in the morning.

If muscle and joint issues contribute to your difficulties exercising (for me it was the knees), try physical therapy. I went first thing in the morning on Saturdays for about 8 weeks. Previously I was not able to walk down stairs without leaning heavily on the bannister. The physical therapist got me doing knee exercises and taking a spin class at the gym. Over the next 18 months I lost 3 dress sizes and felt much better in all aspects of life and my work responsibilities have increased significantly. I am not too familiar with Graves and the other conditions you named, but hoping that you can find some type of gentle exercise that would work for you.

I am still working on the lack of family/close friendships part.

In terms of eating, I started using the My Fitness Pal app for all food and exercise. That made me gradually substitute away from things like pizza with extra cheese and sausage to gluten free pasta with black beans and marinara. I started baking a few gluten free vegan breakfast cookies from the Minimalist Baker site, and keeping extra in the freezer. I also substituted chick pea flour for regular wheat flour in those recipes.

I wish I could be your friend in real life and we could support each other, but I will come here and check on you from time to time!

PP, what a nice response to the OP. Congratulations on your weight loss. A lot of what you and OP shared resonates with me as well. I'm in my early 40s (two young kids later in life pregnancies) and now have a good 20 to 30 pounds I could lose. Sleep deprivation did contribute a lot to my addiction to carbs (something I never had before) and I find myself reaching for them quite a bit for stress relief. DH is very tall and fit (genetically thin) and actually has trouble maintaining weight unless he exercises regularly. His being thin doesn't stress me out, but we definitely have other issues in our marriage.

I get the loneliness part. My mom passed away 14 years ago (from an autoimmune disease --only 57) (my sympathies OP for your various health ailments), and our family disappeared (only men in my family). Dad retreated into new marriage (lives abroad). One brother hangs out mainly with his wife's family and the other is a complete mess. My in-laws are not very nice people, so I mourn for my kids. I get the exhaustion part with juggling a job and being responsible for taking care of kids.

It's been hard on the friendship side for me as well. Most of my friends either don't have kids or are at different stages of parenthood so it's been difficult to do things socially as a family. It wasn't easier even as a couple. My husband is even way more introverted than me, and while I mistook some of it as shyness, it wasn't a while after we had been married that I realized a lot of it had to do with the way he was raised. He's not a bad person, but the way he sees the world was shaped largely by his parents. He doesn't see things the way that a lot of people do, so it's hard for him to find people he truly clicks with. And I think people aren't that comfortable with him. So while I don't claim to be a social butterfly myself, it's harder when you have to "double date" and then add the two kids and it's a lot of people you have to click with to build any type of meaningful friendships.

I'm not giving up and neither should you.


Good luck to both of you. Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a "few masters degrees"??? What does that mean??

It means OP spent her youth being rudderless, thinking a masters degree would help her life in some substantive way. I'm always suspicious of people who collect graduate degrees like marbles. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the mom of an SN child who has significant medical and developmental disabilities and I just want to say that you are experiencing years of stress that not many people can understand. It's relentless. I want to laugh at the person who said you don't have enough to do! Ha! Taking care of a high needs kid means you sometimes have to lose yourself, because there's just not enough real time AND mental time to devote to yourself. I second Jill's House. Therapy is good and please talk to a psychiatrist about some meds to help out. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a "few masters degrees"??? What does that mean??

It means OP spent her youth being rudderless, thinking a masters degree would help her life in some substantive way. I'm always suspicious of people who collect graduate degrees like marbles. Sorry.

You don't need to say you are sorry. You are entitled to think whatever you want. I don't understand however, out of the pain I was sharing, fget why you focus on the fact that I have more than one masters degree. What matters here is that I'm not feeling good about myself or life at the moment. My mention of my education was mainly to illustrate (my intention) that just cause I'm educated does not mean it's "working" for me. My parents had PhDs and were educated fools to me. I invite you to not judge or nitpick me. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a "few masters degrees"??? What does that mean??

It means OP spent her youth being rudderless, thinking a masters degree would help her life in some substantive way. I'm always suspicious of people who collect graduate degrees like marbles. Sorry.

What a strange response. Why do you say you're "suspicious"? OP, please ignore this mean poster, who writes as though it should be obvious to young people what their life path should be. Life isn't that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a "few masters degrees"??? What does that mean??

It means OP spent her youth being rudderless, thinking a masters degree would help her life in some substantive way. I'm always suspicious of people who collect graduate degrees like marbles. Sorry.

What a strange response. Why do you say you're "suspicious"? OP, please ignore this mean poster, who writes as though it should be obvious to young people what their life path should be. Life isn't that simple.

I am the first poster quoted here - I wasn't being mean to Op I was just genuinely surprised that someone would have several masters degrees. The time, money involved in getting just one masters degree is significant. But 3? I can't even imagine...that's quite an accomplishment.

At any rate, I would definitely work on the diet Op. Cutting refined foods really does make you feel a lot better. Since you seem to be a good student - maybe take a class or two in a subject that interests you. Good luck and hang in there.