Slow fading / Ghosting in long-term relationships
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Anonymous
That wasn't negative or judgmental. I did read her posts, and I'm not sure, based on what she wrote a few times, what she's actually looking for. How will hearing what other people went through help her? It was a legitimate question. These situations are so personal, so individual, and so dependent on the people involved that hearing someone say "yeah, that happened to me" does, what exactly? It seems the relationship is over, yes? |
Anonymous
There is no reason PP for you to make light of the OP's question. Your sarcasm is pathetic. 
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Anonymous
Hearing that someone else experienced a similar situation and is ok helps the person know that they will make it out ok on the other side. Hearing that someone else experienced something crappy from a loved one, helps that person know that crap happens to eveyone. It helps the person know that they are not alone having that type of experience, even though it is not the exact same experience being that they are different people. These experiences are not so personal, so individual, and so dependent on the people involved that another person can't learn from another person's experience. |
Anonymous
Because with ghosting there is generally no trigger, nothing that you've done, nothing that happened between you to cause the slow fade. Things in your own head haven't changed, in fact things in your own head could be great and the person has never indicated that there is a problem in the relationship....they just withdraw and quietly fade away leaving you wondering what the heck. You find yourself rationalizing, trying to make sense out of their behavior...explaining away and tolerating treatment that you would never normally tolerate. An argument, a break up, even cutting someone off completely after they've done you wrong is understandable. Ghosting happens during good times and without explanation. |
Anonymous
| What the hell is ghosting? |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for that poster. I just did not have the energy to explain but I couldn't have done it better than you did. Thank you so much for understanding. |
Anonymous
OP here again. Absolutely. It's very confusing and horrible to experience. I just wanted to touch base with some people who may have been through it and who understand. If you don't get the point of a post, don't hang around. It's really not a personal insult to you. Just move on and let people get on with things they need to get on with. |
Anonymous
Blowing someone off and not telling them. |
Anonymous
| I'm going through it right now with a man who asked me to spend my life with him. 6 years and he's been "slow fading" out for 6 months. The first month it was, I'm having major "stress at work" but nothings wrong baby... the next 2 months "he was having a nervous breakdown" I actually felt bad for him and became more supportive. It wasn't until month 5; yep month 5 that he admitted he needed "romantic" time off but "not permanent and wanted to stay close (talk daily) while he sought counseling. Well it's now month 6 and guess what. Complete ghost. This is a dick move, it's cowardless and given the ease of so much of a text with honesty could have been - it's inexcusable. Do yourself a favor; one that I didn't do for myself and leave him |
Anonymous
| For those who have been ghosted, the guy is unsure. You do not want a guy who does not want to be married, who does not want to be a married man. It's not you, it's not about some other woman he might like better.. when he meets her. It's about the kind of man he wants to be, and the guys you have mentioned, don't value being a married man. A good guy wants to be a faithful married man ... they may not know yet, to who, but they want to be a man with an intact family. |
Anonymous
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To answer your question ghosting someone, especially after six months of dating, is a horrible thing to do to someone.
For your situation, the guy sounds like a mess. Sounds like he doesn't want to be alone and wanted to try this other woman out while still keeping you alone. Move on. Thank your lucky stars he didn't move in wth you. |
Anonymous
| Keeping you around not alone |
Anonymous
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OP, I totally get it. It's a bit fascinating because my husband of five years did this to me - not the ghosting exactly, but the pulling away and the vague "everything's fine, just stressed" stuff. And even when it finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, he wasn't ready to end it but wasn't committed either. It is EXTREMELY frustrating to be put in that position, and you said it so well - you were not unhappy, this was now what you wanted or considered and you feel pushed into making the decision. And on top of it all, after you make the choice to walk away, they try to push the blame on you. It feels awful. You're already dealing with so much and then this person tries to paint you as the bad guy. I'm still sort of working through that, but it's getting better.
To the people who are asking why you want to know these answers or why you feel this way, let's all remember that feelings aren't rational. You just do. I know personally I wanted to feel validated with my decision to walk away, because that decision was the hardest choice I've ever made. And to have someone who was previously the most important person in your life cast doubt on it like that, it's difficult. There isn't some manual somewhere that gives you the black and white answer on what you should tolerate in a relationship, so when you're already stuck in this gray area to begin with, it only makes it worse. I will tell you OP that it will get better. You will make peace with it. You have to tell yourself constantly, as much as you need to, that you don't deserve to be treated that way and that what he is saying just is not true. I still have friends who have only heard "his side" of the story and haven't reached out, and it sucks but you know what? Then they aren't good friends either. The people who matter won't care what he says. The people who matter know that you must have made a choice that was best for you, and that's the end of it. You will start to get more and more confident about your decision because as time passes, you'll miss him less and less. And when you stop missing someone, you start to see things how they really were and you'll know that no matter what his version of events is, you were in the right. Because if what he is saying is true, he wouldn't have let you leave. He would have cut off contact with that woman to show you that he cared. His words and his actions aren't matching up (again, remind yourself of this - it is so, so confusing to sort through all these emotions when someone is telling you that they didn't want to break up but actually, they were SHOWING you that they did.) All I'm saying is eventually, you won't care. I wish there was a way to get you there faster, but it's just going to take time. He will never admit what you want to hear. It wouldn't make it feel any better anyway. But breaking up sucks, and losing a person you cared about sucks, and there's no way around it, you can only walk through it. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| I ghosted my ex-bf. We had problems and anytime I tried to discuss the problems or possibly breaking up, he handled it very poorly. It was easier to just pull back over the course of a few months and then disappear all together. |
Anonymous
Wow, OP, I so very much admire how you've handled this -- not just how you handled confronting him and the break up itself, but how you understand it in the context of your life experiences which allowed you to grow to the place where you had the strength to handle the current breakup the way that you did. Everything you did sounds appropriate to me. I am also a person who is learning from earlier toxic relationships. May I add one thing? You seem to expect that toxic people will recognize and admit their own faults. This is part of the pattern that makes us vulnerable to abuse -- needing the other person to own and apologize for their mistakes. But, after all, if the other person is toxic or abusive or unhealthy or disrespectful or whatever you want to call it, it's a bit irrational of us to expect that they suddenly become rational and healthy enough to do something like recognize their errors, take responsibility and apologize. Also, I think it is a hallmark of having been the victim in an abusive relationship to need some kind of external validation on what is right or wrong. I think this is what another PP is getting at when they question your "assertiveness". The point is that no explanation is necessary from your finance for you to take actions to protect yourself. It is nice, but unnecessary to give him a chance to explain himself. Really, all you need to see is his behavior, and then decide if that behavior comports with someone who you want to be in your life. Not in contact with you? Not giving honest, explicit explanations that makes sense in contact? In contact with another woman at a level that you are uncomfortable with? That alone is enough for you to dump him, regardless of what he says about it. Finally, the fact that you are upset that he made you the "bad guy," speaks to the fact that you have not yet completely recovered from toxic relationship patterns. You are not the "bad guy". You are right to be sad that a relationship that you thought would work out didn't. But, you don't have to feel bad about being the one that had to do the breaking up. It is always OK to break up with someone (kindly done). When we break up, we are simply acknowledging that the other person isn't a good fit for us. It doesn't have to be one of us is the good guy and one of us is the bad. In fact, I think you should feel good about this. You have clearly done the right thing. You are making way for someone else to be in your life, who can treat you in an appropriate manner. You are empowered enough to make decisions that protect your own health and well-being. You dodged this bullet before it was so far along that it did more damage. |