Reply to Slow fading / Ghosting in long-term relationships

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here again.
No, I tried once because I really really care about him but twice is pushing it. Three years before him, I was in a five-year long relationship with a toxic man and I did put up with far too much because I was 10 years younger and much more naive than I am today. I had no idea what I was dealing with back then but I do now. I can't and won't go there again. I've always been clear with my partner (oops, ex-partner now) that I think people can mess up once and deserve a second chance but twice is not messing up, it's not a mistake. It's the beginning of a pattern and I'm not doing a pattern again. So, yes, I'm walking away because I believe what I said and because I no longer have the energy for this type of behaviour. I'm 42, not 30 anymore. My heart is breaking knowing that I have to give him up but he has left me no choice at all. None. He's shown me he'll do it again. And I have to protect myself and my children now, no matter how much I love him.

Life really can suck sometimes. I am so very very disappointed. [/quote]

Wow, OP, I so very much admire how you've handled this -- not just how you handled confronting him and the break up itself, but how you understand it in the context of your life experiences which allowed you to grow to the place where you had the strength to handle the current breakup the way that you did.  Everything you did sounds appropriate to me.

I am also a person who is learning from earlier toxic relationships.  May I add one thing?  You seem to expect that toxic people will recognize and admit their own faults.  This is part of the pattern that makes us vulnerable to abuse -- needing the other person to own and apologize for their mistakes.  But, after all, if the other person is toxic or abusive or unhealthy or disrespectful or whatever you want to call it, it's a bit irrational of us to expect that they suddenly become rational and healthy enough to do something like recognize their errors, take responsibility and apologize.

Also, I think it is a hallmark of having been the victim in an abusive relationship to need some kind of external validation on what is right or wrong.  I think this is what another PP is getting at when they question your "assertiveness".  The point is that no explanation is necessary from your finance for you to take actions to protect yourself. It is nice, but unnecessary to give him a chance to explain himself.  Really, all you need to see is his behavior, and then decide if that behavior comports with someone who you want to be in your life.  Not in contact with you?  Not giving honest, explicit explanations that makes sense in contact?  In contact with another woman at a level that you are uncomfortable with?  That alone is enough for you to dump him, regardless of what he says about it.

Finally, the fact that you are upset that he made you the "bad guy," speaks to the fact that you have not yet completely recovered from toxic relationship patterns.  You are not the "bad guy".  You are right to be sad that a relationship that you thought would work out didn't.  But, you don't have to feel bad about being the one that had to do the breaking up.  It is always OK to break up with someone (kindly done).  When we break up, we are simply acknowledging that the other person isn't a good fit for us.  It doesn't have to be one of us is the good guy and one of us is the bad.

In fact, I think you should feel good about this.  You have clearly done the right thing.  You are making way for someone else to be in your life, who can treat you in an appropriate manner.  You are empowered enough to make decisions that protect your own health and well-being.  You dodged this bullet before it was so far along that it did more damage.  [/quote]

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