Slow fading / Ghosting in long-term relationships

[Anonymous]

OP you are still putting up with too much. He ghosts then that's it, it's over. You tell him you are done and mean it. You should have ended it when there was someone else. You need to learn to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are still putting up with too much. He ghosts then that's it, it's over. You tell him you are done and mean it. You should have ended it when there was someone else. You need to learn to protect yourself.

Also he is ghosting because he doesn't want to break up with you. He wants you to be on the back burner. It is you that has to say no and walk away.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to everyone for the replies.
I think that some of you have not read the post correctly because you seem to be under the impression that I have let him carry on with another woman and that I am putting up with too much. I ended it because of that. I didn't let him carry on with anything and I haven't out up with anything. I walked away. I have protected myself and I did actually mean it when I did actually walk away. I'm not sure, have I been unclear?
To the poster who is judging me by saying that he's not sure why I needed it spelt out : I 'm sorry you feel the need to phrase it in such a judgemental way. This is a man I have spent two years of my life with. I trust him. He's my friend. No, I don't just walk away because he's gone quiet. Yes, I do actually need a explanation and yes, I also deserve one. I'm sorry if you don't understand that but that's your issue, not mine.
Thank you everyone else for your answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone for the replies.
I think that some of you have not read the post correctly because you seem to be under the impression that I have let him carry on with another woman and that I am putting up with too much. I ended it because of that. I didn't let him carry on with anything and I haven't out up with anything. I walked away. I have protected myself and I did actually mean it when I did actually walk away. I'm not sure, have I been unclear?
To the poster who is judging me by saying that he's not sure why I needed it spelt out : I 'm sorry you feel the need to phrase it in such a judgemental way. This is a man I have spent two years of my life with. I trust him. He's my friend. No, I don't just walk away because he's gone quiet. Yes, I do actually need a explanation and yes, I also deserve one. I'm sorry if you don't understand that but that's your issue, not mine.
Thank you everyone else for your answers.

You didn't break up with him, he ghosted on you. You also found out he was carrying on with another woman and let him decide what he was doing. Do you see how you are passive? Being assertive is actually ending the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are still putting up with too much. He ghosts then that's it, it's over. You tell him you are done and mean it. You should have ended it when there was someone else. You need to learn to protect yourself.

Also he is ghosting because he doesn't want to break up with you. He wants you to be on the back burner. It is you that has to say no and walk away.

I'm a pp who said that I ghosted my ex but maybe he's the one who was ghosting me and I just responded by cutting off all communication. Looking back, we had long "honeymoon" stretches where we spent most of our free time together and then he would sort of fade away for stretches and go off and do his own thing being very distant. I would start to go out with my friends and meet new guys and the next thing you know, HE would be back charming me and making me feel terrible for meeting/dating/hooking up with other guys. As soon as he had me back, off he would drift again. It was very dysfunctional.

He never gave me the silent treatment. It's not like he was mad at me - it was just that he loved me almost to obsession at times and then for no apparent reason he would drift away like smoke. And I could be free for a while. Then as soon as I was enjoying life without him, not really looking for him anymore he would show back up on the scene...and draw me back in mainly because we had a history together and he knew me well, knew what made me tick.

It still bothers me that I put up with that for as long as I did. When I ended it I knew that I needed to really be serious about it and not talk to him again. He wasn't a bad person and I wasn't a total door mat (trust me, I have never argued with anyone like I argued with him) but something about the combination of how we worked together was so dysfunctional. Looking back I just don't understand how I could have been so...stupid.

[Anonymous]

^Op - if you are in a relationship like that, run. End it.

True love is wonderful and it's amazingly secure. None of this "ghosting" crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone for the replies.
I think that some of you have not read the post correctly because you seem to be under the impression that I have let him carry on with another woman and that I am putting up with too much. I ended it because of that. I didn't let him carry on with anything and I haven't out up with anything. I walked away. I have protected myself and I did actually mean it when I did actually walk away. I'm not sure, have I been unclear?
To the poster who is judging me by saying that he's not sure why I needed it spelt out : I 'm sorry you feel the need to phrase it in such a judgemental way. This is a man I have spent two years of my life with. I trust him. He's my friend. No, I don't just walk away because he's gone quiet. Yes, I do actually need a explanation and yes, I also deserve one. I'm sorry if you don't understand that but that's your issue, not mine.
Thank you everyone else for your answers.

You didn't break up with him, he ghosted on you. You also found out he was carrying on with another woman and let him decide what he was doing. Do you see how you are passive? Being assertive is actually ending the relationship.

No, I actually did break up with him. I'm still not sure how we're at crosswires here. By the time I realised that I had been getting less attention, less phone calls, less text messages and asked him about it two weeks had already passed. He reassured me that he was busy and that everything was fine, business as usual for another week until I felt it again. When I found out about the texting I asked for an explanation. He gave me one and do you know what? It's not a question of being passive, it's a question of him having to own what he wants. I had no intention of staying even if he said that he wanted me to. And yes, I did say that I was leaving and I did leave and I did actually mean it. Is that assertive enough for you?
But the fact that I was put in a difficult position and made the decision to walk away from someone I love doesn't mean that I'm not sad and disappointed and upset at having lost my friend and partner. That's why I am here. I'm not here to hear how I'm being passive and I should have done this and I should have done that. If I look at what you wrote, I should apparently have broken up with him before he ghosted on me. How does that go exactly? Why on earth would I have done such a thing? Are you even re-reading what you write before you post it. I am not perfect but I did handle it the best way I could. I'm just trying to understand what happened by asking if anyone here has had the same experience.

What I find annoying is this constant need to judge on these forums. Someone has actually written a whole post on that today and I understand where they are coming from. We can all benefit from some constructive criticism. Judging and belittling has no purpose.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think the answer to your question is - yes, some of us have been in similar shoes and it does hurt. But you are way better off not putting up with this sort of treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6 months is long term nowadays?!? LOLOLOL

HILARIOUS.

THANKS for the laugh.

I had to read 3 times to be sure I had actually read that 6 months is a long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP is pretty hopeless...how many different threads did she write? 3? Yikes OP get yourself in therapy.

[Anonymous]

It happened to me after a two year relationship. With my HIGH SCHOOL boyfriend. It's immature. You made the right choice by breaking up with him after he started the slow fade. Now it's time to stop analyzing and move on, hopefully wiser. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm not clear why it was so important to you that he was the one to break things off, or "own what he wants". Didn't his behavior tell you what you need to know? He was basically saying he was okay staying in a distant relationship with you while being involved with other people, and you told him that wasn't acceptable to you. He's more selfish than you realized, and I know it's a shock when someone you perceive to be your partner in life just goes cold like that. But looking at his past behavior (from your prior thread), there were signs of this before - his behavior around that other woman four months ago was very odd. He wasn't who you thought he was, and I'm sorry for that, OP.

[Anonymous]

Yes. A 14 month relationship. Unbelievably immature on his part. Never even came by in person or called to break up, did it by text.

[Anonymous]

How is hearing what other people experienced going to help you? I don't get this post at all. It sucks that it happened, but your experience is your own. What exactly do you want from anyone here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is hearing what other people experienced going to help you? I don't get this post at all. It sucks that it happened, but your experience is your own. What exactly do you want from anyone here?

Not sure why the negativity and judgement. I read the OP's several posts and I thought she was clear and made her points several times. It seems that some are reading quickly, but not carefully. She said long relationship of at least six months, she clearly said she ended the relationship, and asked if anyone else has gone through the ghosting?