Receiving insulting emails from in-laws

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks to all, this has been helpful. I agree that part of the problem is using Facebook as a medium- it's personal to him that I don't respond. And one PP mentioned us not living where they do- yes, the main reason DH moved away was to get away from the dysfunction. There is quite a bit of resentment from his family that we're not physically closer. But on the flip side, DH loves his family and wants to have a good relationship with them (albeit from a distance), so I feel a responsibility to support him in that and do what I can to make things as smooth as possible.

I certainly cannot change them, but I think we will extend the offer to our niece to come out here- she loves DD and is really a great kid, and I want to foster the cousin bond. For the adults, I think I'll give a cooling off period then email them with what the PP suggested above (thank you again!) and see where it goes. Hopefully all this works out, but I can guarantee you we're never moving to his hometown.

[Anonymous]

Unblock BIL ASAP.
When I read that you ignored his FB "hellos," I could see why he'd be upset about that. You ignored him.

Not sure about the rest, except donee needs to explain to them that you're more introverted than they are. FWIW, I hate being on the phone and NEVER call anyone, much less my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would back the heck off after this. Take a break. Let DH give his family members a "What the heck? My wife does the best she can, she sends you photos, talks with you on the phone, now this? Are you crazy? She talks with you more than she talks to some of her closest friends for crying out loud. You are out of line, and you owe my wife an apology." See what they say to DH when he puts them on the spot for their behavior. If the apologize, great.

If not, just stop contact for awhile--not DH, but you. Continuing their normal level of contact isn't how you would respond to anyone else treating you this way, right? Don't get on the phone when DH calls, let DH be the one to send baby photos, don't arrange the beach house visit if that couple is the one who acted like this, possibly block them on Facebook for now.

Back off and let them realize how good they had it. Think about what you actually want based on this new information after several weeks and go from there.

Yes to the above post. OP, some are advising you to handle all this yourself, not let DH handle it, but I agree with this post--the mantra here is, "His family, his job." And you know what? He has your back here! Take a moment to sit down and appreciate the fact that HE is so willing to run interference and he understands that they, not you, are out of line. There are so very many posts on DCUM about spouses who either won't get involved when their own families attack the relative-by-marriage, or spouses who also turn on the beleaguered one and say, "Well, my mom/dad/siblings are fine, so YOU must be the problem." You instead have a spouse who is backing you up. That's truly something to be grateful for, and I think you already know that based on your replies here. I'm glad he's on your side.

The level of contact you have with these in-laws is more than I have with my in-laws or my own brother. They sound as if they are profoundly needy and have decided almost collectively to make you the target of their neediness, possibly as some weird way to get your DH's attention--? I would hope your DH would say exactly what the post above outlines.

[Anonymous]

Dysfunctional families love their dysfunctions. The more you try, the more they will put you down. That's how dysfunctional works. You need to react appropriately -- insults are not acceptable, and accept that they are not playing fair with you. Back off, don't reach out.

[Anonymous]

OP: abused child often grows into abusive adult. I would avoid long email explanations. That just gives them more to work with, and makes them feel they are entitled to more explanations. Set your boundaries and stick with them. Withdrawal works best with abusive people.

[Anonymous]

My quick takes:
Sounds like BIL was using Facebook to hide behind. Also, the fact that he didn't want your DH to find out what he said means that he is not serious about it, or that he doesn't understand consequences--the consequences being that his words to you will indeed get back to his brother.

It also seems that BIL (and perhaps SIL and MIL too, but I'm focusing on BIL since he's the instigator) knows that your DH will support you over BIL, which is why he didn't want DH to know about what he said.

I don't have advice on how to handle the situation, but I hope that you and DH would make it very clear to his very petty family members that if they cut you off, then they have also cut off him and the baby.

And also, even if you guys are able to make up, this is still going to have a serious impact on your interactions with them and how much time they get to spend alone with your baby (which I would hope is 0 for the next several years).

Oh, and congratulations to your DH for passing BIL's test... I don't think BIL meant for it to be a test, but your DH is (rightly) more loyal to you than to his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would back the heck off after this. Take a break. Let DH give his family members a "What the heck? My wife does the best she can, she sends you photos, talks with you on the phone, now this? Are you crazy? She talks with you more than she talks to some of her closest friends for crying out loud. You are out of line, and you owe my wife an apology." See what they say to DH when he puts them on the spot for their behavior. If the apologize, great.

If not, just stop contact for awhile--not DH, but you. Continuing their normal level of contact isn't how you would respond to anyone else treating you this way, right? Don't get on the phone when DH calls, let DH be the one to send baby photos, don't arrange the beach house visit if that couple is the one who acted like this, possibly block them on Facebook for now.

Back off and let them realize how good they had it. Think about what you actually want based on this new information after several weeks and go from there.

This gets my vote. You need to stay in the realm of the sane.

[Anonymous]

OP: there may be some truth to what the in laws or saying, or they could be nuts. The solution: be the bigger person and tell all your in laws that you like spending time with them, want to have close relationships with them, and never meant to offend them. Tell them you are sorry if you came off as standoffish or whatever and that you hope everyone can let bygones be bygones and focus on building a good relationship for the future. Offer your vacation house to the in laws and invite your neice to visit as you had planned. Then delete this incident from your mind and try to start over with them. Let it go. Otherwise you can get sucked into a lot of family drama that will only bring grief. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I think if it were me, I would probably send an e-mail to each of them separately that is something along the lines of as follows:

“I am really taken aback by your [e-mails/texts/etc.] I really like you, and thought that we had a good relationship. We don’t see each other as often as I would like, but we’ve only known each other for a few years, and I looked forward to our relationship growing over the rest of our lifetimes. I’ve tried to keep in touch as best I can while working, moving, and raising a baby, and have made an extra effort to make sure that you are a part of our child’s life.

I am offended and hurt by the way you’ve raised these issues with me. While I hear you say that you’re just trying to build your relationship with me, calling me things like [insert] is entirely out-of-line. I don’t think its fair, and it is also not productive. Insulting me is not a way to sustain a relationship with me or [DH]. What you said recently is not going to help us to become closer; it is going to set our relationship back. Frankly, I think you owe me an apology.”

After I send the e-mail, I’d try to avoid two opposite things:

First, don’t pull away and react incredibly harshly to them, or cut off all ties. You seem like you’re going to want them in your family’s life, for better or worse, so even though they were complete assholes, I wouldn’t lash out at them. It won’t be productive or make you feel much better, and it will convince them that some of what they said was correct.

Second, I also would try hard not to change my own behavior to reward their awful behavior. Keep up the updates and Facetime calls. Still offer to invite the niece over, etc. But don’t re-write our own boundaries in response to being bullied. Just live your life.

And thank DH for being so supportive!

P.S. I would not make your DH do the talking for you. They’ll just use that as evidence you are standoffish.

OP here. This is great advice, thank you. And I think you're right about the two "don't do's". They will totally take that as a "see, we were right about her!" The problem with the second "don't" is that what I was doing with the texts/face time etc was clearly not working in terms of giving them what they wanted. How do I continue the status quo, when they clearly want more/different, but I was giving all I could?

Rewarding bad behavior is not good advice. Seriously, you are just lining yourself up for more crap in the future. They have demonstrated they can't be pleased. You are not going to make them happy even doing more than you want...so cut back and don't worry about it. Frankly, it is in no way your job to meet their demands for a "close" relationship. It's DH's family--let them be his problem, not yours.

At least read the whole post before replying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think ignoring BILs Facebook messages (even if just an emoticon or a simple Hey) was rude, so I can see where he is coming from.

OP here- I would agree with you, but I do respond to about every third of them. When DH and I started dating, BIL would do it way more often, and the more I responded the more he emailed me (it was multiple times a week, and I'd only met him once at that point), so I had to stop responding to every one. I don't not respond to his "hellos" to be a bitch. That was a boundary I set early, and I didn't realize it was chaffing so badly several years later.

Are you viewing them - so he can tell they have been viewed, but not replying? I think that is slightly rude; I think many people think of it as a text - aka, if they know you got it , they expect a reply - even if only a smiley face.

NOT justifying that incredibly crazy behavior, just saying they may operate on different FB rules than you do.

[Anonymous]

Pick up the phone, call SIL and tell her some of the things you wrote in your OP, how you thought you had a good relationship, you've been so busy this year, ...That's the thing with email and FB. You just don't know wha the other person is feeling when you send or don't send something. It sounds lieka a misunderstanding to me.

You wrote that they are dysfunctional -- well they are acting in a dysfunctional way towards you, but I think you should call and seek to understand and work it out. remembet this is the start of your marriage, you are going to know these people a very long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'm going to give a very simplistic response - but is it possible, that your ILs take FB messages very seriously? I don't, my ILs dont, but I have a few friends who have actually disowned family members over the type and frequency of FB communications. To them, it is very important. To most people, a FB chat or g-chat is just a "hey, if you have time - how are you?" but to some people out there, it is how to you stay in touch. So, it was no big deal to you when you didn't respond - to them, it was epic.

I can totally see how you're genuinely thinking this all came out of left field, but to them, you've been snubbing them for years and they're fed up with it. I'm more on your side, but I've heard the other side - and these people genuinely believe an ignored FB msg is a slight.

Yes, this. Some people equate FB behavior with real life behavior. My BIL and his new wife recently cut off my MIL and FIL because they did not "like" or comment on any of BIL's honeymoon photos he posted on FB. For him, if was an unforgivable insult. MIL and FIL are irregular FB users, so they are rightly baffled and upset. Along with messaging you often, OP, does your BIL seem to be a heavy FB user overall?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I think if it were me, I would probably send an e-mail to each of them separately that is something along the lines of as follows:

“I am really taken aback by your [e-mails/texts/etc.] I really like you, and thought that we had a good relationship. We don’t see each other as often as I would like, but we’ve only known each other for a few years, and I looked forward to our relationship growing over the rest of our lifetimes. I’ve tried to keep in touch as best I can while working, moving, and raising a baby, and have made an extra effort to make sure that you are a part of our child’s life.

I am offended and hurt by the way you’ve raised these issues with me. While I hear you say that you’re just trying to build your relationship with me, calling me things like [insert] is entirely out-of-line. I don’t think its fair, and it is also not productive. Insulting me is not a way to sustain a relationship with me or [DH]. What you said recently is not going to help us to become closer; it is going to set our relationship back. Frankly, I think you owe me an apology.”

After I send the e-mail, I’d try to avoid two opposite things:

First, don’t pull away and react incredibly harshly to them, or cut off all ties. You seem like you’re going to want them in your family’s life, for better or worse, so even though they were complete assholes, I wouldn’t lash out at them. It won’t be productive or make you feel much better, and it will convince them that some of what they said was correct.

Second, I also would try hard not to change my own behavior to reward their awful behavior. Keep up the updates and Facetime calls. Still offer to invite the niece over, etc. But don’t re-write our own boundaries in response to being bullied. Just live your life.

And thank DH for being so supportive!

P.S. I would not make your DH do the talking for you. They’ll just use that as evidence you are standoffish.

OP here. This is great advice, thank you. And I think you're right about the two "don't do's". They will totally take that as a "see, we were right about her!" The problem with the second "don't" is that what I was doing with the texts/face time etc was clearly not working in terms of giving them what they wanted. How do I continue the status quo, when they clearly want more/different, but I was giving all I could?

Rewarding bad behavior is not good advice. Seriously, you are just lining yourself up for more crap in the future. They have demonstrated they can't be pleased. You are not going to make them happy even doing more than you want...so cut back and don't worry about it. Frankly, it is in no way your job to meet their demands for a "close" relationship. It's DH's family--let them be his problem, not yours.

+1 I learned a long time ago to support my DH when he needed it with his family but other than that....I have remained neutral and do not go out of my way or actually initiate contact. Its best for all parties involved in my decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a bit hard to give advice on. That's partially because your post is so darned long. But the larger issue is that despite your post's length, there just seems to be something missing here. The way you tell the story, DH's family is just impossibly insane. I think we need to understand more of their perspective to even give you advice.

To be clear, I'm not saying they are right and you are wrong. It is just that this story is so insanely one-sided right now that there has to be some underlying thing missing that would cause three people to all come to the same apparently-batshit-crazy conclusion.

OP here. Yes, you're right, there is more (which is why my post was so very, very long). MIL has been married a number of times to abusive men, so the kids were all subjected to that when they were growing up (MIL has 5 kids). I have another BIL who has threatened suicide and we had to block phone contact with him (we do see him when we're in town) because he was calling in the middle of the night and leaving screaming voicemails, etc. (he's the twin brother of the BIL in my original post). DH and I both hate the thought of going through this again with more of his siblings.

So the family dynamic is very dysfunctional, but they, to their credit, know it, and are (I thought) very much trying to get back to a normal place. So I've been trying to work with that and be open to building relationships...and then this happens.

This explains a lot. It sounds like they are accustomed to being in dysfunctional relationships and frequently operate in crisis mode--either intentionally or unintentionally. It's quite sad, but I don't know whether or not you and your husband can fix the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think ignoring BILs Facebook messages (even if just an emoticon or a simple Hey) was rude, so I can see where he is coming from.

OP here- I would agree with you, but I do respond to about every third of them. When DH and I started dating, BIL would do it way more often, and the more I responded the more he emailed me (it was multiple times a week, and I'd only met him once at that point), so I had to stop responding to every one. I don't not respond to his "hellos" to be a bitch. That was a boundary I set early, and I didn't realize it was chaffing so badly several years later.

Are you viewing them - so he can tell they have been viewed, but not replying? I think that is slightly rude; I think many people think of it as a text - aka, if they know you got it , they expect a reply - even if only a smiley face.

NOT justifying that incredibly crazy behavior, just saying they may operate on different FB rules than you do.

Not OP, here. Who has time for this? I'm an adult, not a teenager.