Receiving insulting emails from in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is my first time posting a new topic on here, so please be kind! There's a ton of backstory and family history to all this, but I'll try to lay it out clearly, because I need some advice.

On Saturday evening, I was out of town on a week-long work trip (having left my 11 month old for the first time, so it was a stressful trip), and received a series of messages over facebook from my brother in law (DH's brother). He told me that he'd tried to contact me several times over the last few years, and I hadn't bothered to respond to him (his contacts would typically be Facebook messaging me a cartoon picture, or just a "hello", never an actual message or email- this would happen once every two or three months. We would chat maybe once every few months if I was at the computer when he messaged me), and he was thinking about cutting off our relationship. He described me varyingly as cold, arrogant, ignorant, condescending, standoffish. I responded by saying I couldn't discuss this over Facebook messaging, and that DH and I would call him to talk when I returned from my trip. He responded with more choice words, and added that he'd talked to his sister, and she agreed with him, PLUS they would prefer that I not tell DH about what BIL had said. Of course I talked to DH at length about this on Sunday and he said he would call his brother and mom to see if he could figure out WTF was going on.

I got back from my trip tonight and had a long talk with DH about this, and he said he talked to his mom yesterday. Her response was that she'd read the messages from BIL and she agreed with him- apparently the three of them have discussed this in person. She gave no details except to say she'd tried to reach out to me in the past to build a relationship as well, and that I wasn't receptive.

Long story short--I get along with MIL fine, but it's not a warm and close relationship. I really liked BIL and SIL and thought we had a really good relationship. I text MIL and SIL baby pictures several times a month and talk to them occasionally when DH does (he talks to his mom probably 2x a week, sister maybe 1-2x a month). MIL was just out here last month staying with us to visit the baby- she also came out when the baby was about 6 weeks old. We go to their house for Thanksgiving (in the mid-west, we're in DC) and typically once during the summer. We only see BIL and SIL when we go to their city. SIL and I went out over Thanksgiving for dinner and drinks and I thought we had a great time. She had asked me a few months ago if she could use my family's beach house for a weekend this summer- I said of course- and we were going to ask her (this week, actually) if her daughter (our niece, 10 years old, who's amazing and I adore) could come stay with us for a week in August.

DH is super supportive and awesome, totally on my team. He told his brother he couldn't talk to him right now about this, but his sister texted him and repeated the same words BIL used to describe me- arrogant and condescending.

I don't know what to do. I felt like we had a comfortable relationship where we were in contact several times a month. This is honestly more than I talk to a lot of my friends who live out of town, and DH and I have only been married a couple of years--so I don't know my in-laws all that well. This past year has been super busy with a new house, new baby, new job, etc, and I honestly have felt pretty tapped out, then all this drama happened. I knew that my in-laws wanted more of a relationship with me (more frequent, with me calling them to talk on the phone), but I have been trying to set boundaries of what I feel comfortable doing, and what I feel like I have the time and energy for. Thus, the texting of pictures and info, sharing photos with them on Facebook, face timing with the baby, etc. I think MIL and SIL expected all of us to suddenly to be tight girlfriends after DH and I got married, but that just hasn't happened.

DH and I agreed that he would handle this by talking with them, but I'm not sure what to do on my end. DH insisted that I block BIL on Facebook- he doesn't want me to get any more emails like the series of 6 or so that I got over the weekend. I did it, but I think that BIL will see that as the nuclear option and go ballistic. MIL, BIL, and SIL have all insisted separately that they're just trying to improve their relationship with me, but from my end, I feel like (a) it wasn't broken and (b) they just threw a pipe bomb into it.

Advice? How do I get past this? I want DH to have a great relationship with them, and for my daughter to know her family well, but this whole situation has set me back on my heels a bit.

HOW COULD ANYONE GET THAT IMPRESSTION

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe dwil (dealing with the inlaws) on babycenter. They are a bit looney tunes but they give excellent advice about setting boundaries or helping you to decide when to give people a time out.

For the love of god, NO. Do no go there. "Looney tunes" is scratching the surface...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'm going to give a very simplistic response - but is it possible, that your ILs take FB messages very seriously? I don't, my ILs dont, but I have a few friends who have actually disowned family members over the type and frequency of FB communications. To them, it is very important. To most people, a FB chat or g-chat is just a "hey, if you have time - how are you?" but to some people out there, it is how to you stay in touch. So, it was no big deal to you when you didn't respond - to them, it was epic.

I can totally see how you're genuinely thinking this all came out of left field, but to them, you've been snubbing them for years and they're fed up with it. I'm more on your side, but I've heard the other side - and these people genuinely believe an ignored FB msg is a slight.

If this were the case, I would just say "I don't use FB." If I had an account, I would then take it down. The possibility that someone takes FB so seriously is so messed up to me, I don't even know where to begin.

[Anonymous]

It kind of sounds lik the bil has the hots for you OP. Since when does a man who is not interested in fucking a woman care if she never responds to his facebook messages? Your bil wants into your panties, that's obvious, he's communicating with you behind hus brither's back, and is upset you've been ignoring him. Name one other man who would.care if he wasn't.trying to bang you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds absolutely nuts.

I am kind of wondering why your BIL would be so bent out of shape at you not responding- is it possible he has a slight crush on you, OP?

Nope, this BIL is gay, so I kind of doubt that's the problem.

Could he have been drunk at the time of the posts? I've seen that happen.

[Anonymous]

If I thought my brother's wife was being a snooty brat there is no way in hell I'd just go and tell her that without first asking my brother about it. It's beyond weird to me that none of them mentioned to your DH that they find you cold to see what he had to say about it.

If one of my sibling did this to my DH I'd be FURIOUS and would not hesitate to set them straight. No way I'd leave my spouse alone to handle my bitchy family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am always suspicious when one person claims to be completmy blameless, which you do. I do not think BIL and SIL would both act as they have without reason on your part.

It does come off as very one-sided.

I often agree with this sentiment, but some dysfunctional families really thrive on having an odd man out, their shared dislike of this person gives them something to bond over, and you don't necessarily have to earn the label to be slapped with it. OP may just be the easiest target since she isn't blood.

I wonder if the two PP's above have ever known alcoholics or addicts or whether they have ever been in situations with profoundly dysfunctional or mentally ill families.

If you have not, then please understand this: there is another side. The profoundly dysfunctional or actively drinking alcoholic or mentally ill individual is ill, sick, in need of help. But that sickness or illness CANNOT take over the lives of others, and it CANNOT impact children and/or the next generation. Period. It has to stop. And someone has to ensure, for the sake of children, that it does stop. OP, you're doing an awesome job (and you're putting up with more than most would) and it's essential that you do so that your husband and your children can have a family without the dysfunction and sickness that surrounded your husband growing up.

To that end, your husband doesn't strike me as someone who would want or welcome congratulations or kudos (as well as the thanks you've given him), but boy does he deserve them. To be as functional as you describe, as supportive as you describe, suggests someone who's done a lot of good, healthy emotional work to stay strong and to create a toxic-free environment to the best of his ability. (That he got up and walked away when you screamed, however, mildly, and came back and explained why -- he's 'good people').

I wish you and your husband and your child all the best, OP.

PS Given what you were describing and what you are living with and through, your post wasn't too long at all: you may find more support in other forums regarding dysfunctional families (especially with abusive backgrounds or alcohol and/or drugs playing a major part) but for many of us who've lived through what your husband grew up with -- or who have a level of dysfunction in their families now -- well, let's just say I knew you could have written pages more.....

OP here. Thank you so much. And, yes, DH has done all that, and more. He's pretty amazing. I'll look into the other forums- I didn't grow up like DH did, so some insight would be helpful.

This! OP, please listen to the above poster. My sister married into a dysfunctional family like this (her husband, sadly, is not like your husband. He's abusive). Over the years our family tried to placate my brother-in-law and his family to keep the peace for the sake of the children. Friends warned me not to do it but I felt bad for them. I thought if I just tried hard enough, I could make them feel better. What I discovered is that they were emotional vampires who sucked the life out of me and my family. I now realize that you can't give in to these people because they will just want more. All it does is feed the beast and teach your children inappropriate boundaries. Good for your husband for setting boundaries and blocking their texts. No one has a right to harass you with unwanted texts (I have been on the receiving end on of countless texts and emails that would continue to come despite my asking them to stop). No is a complete answer and you honestly seem like you do a better job of keeping in touch than most sister-in-laws would. For you daughter's sake (and your niece's) don't get sucked in. You and your husband can be an example to both of them with respect to setting healthy boundaries and requiring respect as a prerequisite for any relationship.