Receiving insulting emails from in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, I don't know. Do you want to have a relationship with these people? They've shown their true colors and they are difficult people who view things through a narrow lens. You are going to always be bending over to meet their needs and placate them.

Their attack of you was unprovoked and undeserved. Personally I'm with your husband on blocking them and keeping them separate. He grew up with them and he understands the family dynamics much more than you or an anonymous forum.

OP here- Do I want a relationship with them? Yes, because it's important to my husband and I think it's wrong to deny my daughter access to half of her family. They have caused a lot of stress to us over the years (for example, SIL complained 3-4 times in January to DH that I never call her, and so I picked up the phone and called her. Left a voice message of "hey, would love to catch up! etc". She never called me back), which is why I'm very frustrated with this latest episode. I just want to live my life and have a friendly relationship with family. My family sure isn't perfect, but they're not difficult to get along with, but the in-laws are just drama drama drama all the time and it is exhausting.

I certainly appreciate all the kind words from everyone on here, and to the PP who asked, yes, I've thanked DH for being so awesome to me about this. He managed to break out of all this crap through years and years of therapy, but the rest of the family don't seem to understand how they're impacting others. They think they're normal and I'm cold and arrogant, and I just need to beef up my coping skills and not take this personally.

I"m the OP you quoted and I just want to add one thing based on what you wrote in your response to my post.

While I understand wanting to have a relationship, and I think it's great you want your kids to know them, at what point do you say it's not fair to subject your kids to their erratic behavior and the drama? And while you may not believe me now, this will wear on your kids as they get older. I speak from experience. My uncle was a class a jerk and eventually I realized I did not want to subject my kids to the behavior I grew up enduring and being told by my parents I had to endure. I reached a point as an adult where I recognized he was not healthy and my kids were not obligated to put up with his bad behavior. Just food for thought.

I'm not saying you have to cut off all contact, but I do think I would make efforts to minimize contact.

[Anonymous]

They are very insecure and will constantly "test" their relationships. Beware there will always be some drama because somehow you have failed their latest test to prove your love and loyalty. Deep down it comes from a place of insecurity and a desire to be close without knowing how to get close and build trust. It may be too late to teach this. Just accept it for what it is and don't invest too much of your time and emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, I don't know. Do you want to have a relationship with these people? They've shown their true colors and they are difficult people who view things through a narrow lens. You are going to always be bending over to meet their needs and placate them.

Their attack of you was unprovoked and undeserved. Personally I'm with your husband on blocking them and keeping them separate. He grew up with them and he understands the family dynamics much more than you or an anonymous forum.

OP here- Do I want a relationship with them? Yes, because it's important to my husband and I think it's wrong to deny my daughter access to half of her family. They have caused a lot of stress to us over the years (for example, SIL complained 3-4 times in January to DH that I never call her, and so I picked up the phone and called her. Left a voice message of "hey, would love to catch up! etc". She never called me back), which is why I'm very frustrated with this latest episode. I just want to live my life and have a friendly relationship with family. My family sure isn't perfect, but they're not difficult to get along with, but the in-laws are just drama drama drama all the time and it is exhausting.

I certainly appreciate all the kind words from everyone on here, and to the PP who asked, yes, I've thanked DH for being so awesome to me about this. He managed to break out of all this crap through years and years of therapy, but the rest of the family don't seem to understand how they're impacting others. They think they're normal and I'm cold and arrogant, and I just need to beef up my coping skills and not take this personally.

I"m the OP you quoted and I just want to add one thing based on what you wrote in your response to my post.

While I understand wanting to have a relationship, and I think it's great you want your kids to know them, at what point do you say it's not fair to subject your kids to their erratic behavior and the drama? And while you may not believe me now, this will wear on your kids as they get older. I speak from experience. My uncle was a class a jerk and eventually I realized I did not want to subject my kids to the behavior I grew up enduring and being told by my parents I had to endure. I reached a point as an adult where I recognized he was not healthy and my kids were not obligated to put up with his bad behavior. Just food for thought.

I'm not saying you have to cut off all contact, but I do think I would make efforts to minimize contact.

OP here- Oh, I totally agree. At Christmas, MIL said she wanted our daughter to come stay with her for a week or two when she's 5 or 6. I nodded and said, sure, let's talk about it later (in 4-5 years when she's 5-6!). But later that night, DH and I agreed that there is no way in all of hell that we would send her or any future kids to stay with his family alone. The mama bear in me is in full force, and while I support her knowing her family, anything that will impact her negatively would never happen. There are certain family members that DD will never be alone with, for example., but having my MIL come to her birthday parties or going there for Thanksgiving? I can totally do that. Well, I could and did. We'll have to see what the fallout is from this latest episode.

OK, I'm signing off for the rest of the day- gotta get back to work! Thanks for the support, everyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are very insecure and will constantly "test" their relationships. Beware there will always be some drama because somehow you have failed their latest test to prove your love and loyalty. Deep down it comes from a place of insecurity and a desire to be close without knowing how to get close and build trust. It may be too late to teach this. Just accept it for what it is and don't invest too much of your time and emotions.

OP here- just quickly-- yes, this is exactly it. Yes yes yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are very insecure and will constantly "test" their relationships. Beware there will always be some drama because somehow you have failed their latest test to prove your love and loyalty. Deep down it comes from a place of insecurity and a desire to be close without knowing how to get close and build trust. It may be too late to teach this. Just accept it for what it is and don't invest too much of your time and emotions.

OP here- just quickly-- yes, this is exactly it. Yes yes yes

I previously said you should neither respond harshly nor give in to their demands, and this is largely why. They want to be close but are terrible at it. Lashing back at them, while emotionally understandable, will make the problem worse. But giving into them won't improve the relationship either. Just decide what relationship works for you, be consistent about it, and let them come to peace with it.

[Anonymous]

I am always suspicious when one person claims to be completmy blameless, which you do. I do not think BIL and SIL would both act as they have without reason on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am always suspicious when one person claims to be completmy blameless, which you do. I do not think BIL and SIL would both act as they have without reason on your part.

It does come off as very one-sided.

[Anonymous]

I have been in a similar spot with some family members. They want a lot more contact than I'm able to give (full-time working parent, toddler, life demands).

I think it's unfair to say that it seems one-sided. I think it's clear. The OP's in-laws want her to do something she doesn't want to do or isn't capable of doing due to other demands. I think there has to be compromise in any relationship, not insulting demands that you bend to their will and do what they want or else (we will gang up and insult you).

I've been in a similar boat with the frequency of contact issues.

My MIL would love for us to call one another and have nearly daily long-winded calls about the Duggars show or Honey Boo Boo or whatever.

My Mom is retired and SUPER bored. She would love to have daily long-winded calls about how much my brother/SIL suck, how rude the women in their community are, how miserable it is that she can't travel as much as her friends do, name your poison. She is also obsessed with FB, posting 5-6 times per day. I maybe log into FB 1-2 times per week.

I'm not a phone person. I don't watch those shows. I can't keep up with the endlessness of FB quizzes or shared posts. I'm exhausted once we finally get the kid to bed.

I'm just not going to be able to give them what they want. Endless gossipy phone calls are just not in my DNA. Add to the fact that I can barely make a 2 minute phone call to order a pizza without my toddler acting out to get my attention off of the phone call and back onto her...it's a circus.

I just don't know how people who are phone chatters do it. When do you find the time? What do you even have to say to someone that often/long? Same thing with the instant message stuff on FB?

[Anonymous]

OP, your post is too long to read.

I haven't read it. I'm giving advice anyway.

Know what you can offer. Make clear decisions. Do not engage/or accept back-and-forth guilt/manipulation. No reason to read email/take phone calls/socialize if people are hurtful.

[Anonymous]

I'd odd that your husband would call his Mother.

He's a bit into drama (conditioned maybe) This issue was BIL's message to you - you should have handled it right then - with, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and if you wanted to fake a little humility, "I'll try to do better". That's it, that's all.

When other people are asked to weigh-in - well, it's just about the drama - just stirring the pot. It's not about resolving anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd odd that your husband would call his Mother.

He's a bit into drama (conditioned maybe) This issue was BIL's message to you - you should have handled it right then - with, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and if you wanted to fake a little humility, "I'll try to do better". That's it, that's all.

When other people are asked to weigh-in - well, it's just about the drama - just stirring the pot. It's not about resolving anything.

Oh come on....you're totally unrealistic.

Her DH would have to get involved to at least reach out and find out what's going on. His family is attacking his wife!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is too long to read.

I haven't read it. I'm giving advice anyway.

Know what you can offer. Make clear decisions. Do not engage/or accept back-and-forth guilt/manipulation. No reason to read email/take phone calls/socialize if people are hurtful.

Have we lost all our attention span? It really wasn't that long.

[Anonymous]

I would cut them off. They are not worth your time. Toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is too long to read.

I haven't read it. I'm giving advice anyway.

Know what you can offer. Make clear decisions. Do not engage/or accept back-and-forth guilt/manipulation. No reason to read email/take phone calls/socialize if people are hurtful.

Have we lost all our attention span? It really wasn't that long.

It was too long and excruciatingly boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am always suspicious when one person claims to be completmy blameless, which you do. I do not think BIL and SIL would both act as they have without reason on your part.

It does come off as very one-sided.

I often agree with this sentiment, but some dysfunctional families really thrive on having an odd man out, their shared dislike of this person gives them something to bond over, and you don't necessarily have to earn the label to be slapped with it. OP may just be the easiest target since she isn't blood.