Receiving insulting emails from in-laws
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
So this is my first time posting a new topic on here, so please be kind! There's a ton of backstory and family history to all this, but I'll try to lay it out clearly, because I need some advice.
On Saturday evening, I was out of town on a week-long work trip (having left my 11 month old for the first time, so it was a stressful trip), and received a series of messages over facebook from my brother in law (DH's brother). He told me that he'd tried to contact me several times over the last few years, and I hadn't bothered to respond to him (his contacts would typically be Facebook messaging me a cartoon picture, or just a "hello", never an actual message or email- this would happen once every two or three months. We would chat maybe once every few months if I was at the computer when he messaged me), and he was thinking about cutting off our relationship. He described me varyingly as cold, arrogant, ignorant, condescending, standoffish. I responded by saying I couldn't discuss this over Facebook messaging, and that DH and I would call him to talk when I returned from my trip. He responded with more choice words, and added that he'd talked to his sister, and she agreed with him, PLUS they would prefer that I not tell DH about what BIL had said. Of course I talked to DH at length about this on Sunday and he said he would call his brother and mom to see if he could figure out WTF was going on. I got back from my trip tonight and had a long talk with DH about this, and he said he talked to his mom yesterday. Her response was that she'd read the messages from BIL and she agreed with him- apparently the three of them have discussed this in person. She gave no details except to say she'd tried to reach out to me in the past to build a relationship as well, and that I wasn't receptive. Long story short--I get along with MIL fine, but it's not a warm and close relationship. I really liked BIL and SIL and thought we had a really good relationship. I text MIL and SIL baby pictures several times a month and talk to them occasionally when DH does (he talks to his mom probably 2x a week, sister maybe 1-2x a month). MIL was just out here last month staying with us to visit the baby- she also came out when the baby was about 6 weeks old. We go to their house for Thanksgiving (in the mid-west, we're in DC) and typically once during the summer. We only see BIL and SIL when we go to their city. SIL and I went out over Thanksgiving for dinner and drinks and I thought we had a great time. She had asked me a few months ago if she could use my family's beach house for a weekend this summer- I said of course- and we were going to ask her (this week, actually) if her daughter (our niece, 10 years old, who's amazing and I adore) could come stay with us for a week in August. DH is super supportive and awesome, totally on my team. He told his brother he couldn't talk to him right now about this, but his sister texted him and repeated the same words BIL used to describe me- arrogant and condescending. I don't know what to do. I felt like we had a comfortable relationship where we were in contact several times a month. This is honestly more than I talk to a lot of my friends who live out of town, and DH and I have only been married a couple of years--so I don't know my in-laws all that well. This past year has been super busy with a new house, new baby, new job, etc, and I honestly have felt pretty tapped out, then all this drama happened. I knew that my in-laws wanted more of a relationship with me (more frequent, with me calling them to talk on the phone), but I have been trying to set boundaries of what I feel comfortable doing, and what I feel like I have the time and energy for. Thus, the texting of pictures and info, sharing photos with them on Facebook, face timing with the baby, etc. I think MIL and SIL expected all of us to suddenly to be tight girlfriends after DH and I got married, but that just hasn't happened. DH and I agreed that he would handle this by talking with them, but I'm not sure what to do on my end. DH insisted that I block BIL on Facebook- he doesn't want me to get any more emails like the series of 6 or so that I got over the weekend. I did it, but I think that BIL will see that as the nuclear option and go ballistic. MIL, BIL, and SIL have all insisted separately that they're just trying to improve their relationship with me, but from my end, I feel like (a) it wasn't broken and (b) they just threw a pipe bomb into it. Advice? How do I get past this? I want DH to have a great relationship with them, and for my daughter to know her family well, but this whole situation has set me back on my heels a bit. |
Anonymous
| OP here- dang that was way longer than I thought it would be. Appreciate any (helpful!) thoughts! |
Anonymous
This is a bit hard to give advice on. That's partially because your post is so darned long.  But the larger issue is that despite your post's length, there just seems to be something missing here. The way you tell the story, DH's family is just impossibly insane. I think we need to understand more of their perspective to even give you advice.
To be clear, I'm not saying they are right and you are wrong. It is just that this story is so insanely one-sided right now that there has to be some underlying thing missing that would cause three people to all come to the same apparently-batshit-crazy conclusion. |
Anonymous
|
This sounds absolutely nuts.
I am kind of wondering why your BIL would be so bent out of shape at you not responding- is it possible he has a slight crush on you, OP? |
Anonymous
|
Well it's definitely not the way to improve a relationship by telling someone they're arrogant and conceited and whatever other names they called you.
I have a SIL and if I send her an email without asking a question, she doesn't respond. I talked with my brother about it and he basically said "yeah that's just how she is" so I let it go that she doesn't always reply. This is going to be hard for you to fix without being face to face. But I'd hope your husband can make his relatives understand the first sentence I said. I'm glad for you that he's got your back. |
Anonymous
That's one of the problems with Facebook, people don't argue face to face. 
First, ignore your BIL; don't block him, but who knows what bee was in his bonnet. Second, continuing as you would normally reaching out to MIL and SIL. If the subject of BIL's "reaching out" to you comes up, say, oh, that's all in the past." And change the subject. Not sure what he was trying to achieve, but truly don't give it a second thought. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, I really feel like they stepped over a major line. If you dont make it clear that they were out of line, they are apt to continue to harass you. I would block them. And if they bring it up, or say you are "cold", I would calmly explain to them how hurtful you found it. You have to stand up for yourself with this issue- it sounds like they are trying to turn you into the scapegoat for their familial issues |
Anonymous
|
It sounds like something else happened to anger BIL. Even if they had privately discussed some of those things amoungdtvthemselves, his attack is way out of proportion to your "transgression".
I'd let DH handle this one. Keep sending pics, etc. |
Anonymous
|
Clearly their approach has been awful and is way out of line. But I do kind of wonder what compelled them to behave like this.
Let me ask you this: Do you think if you asked your DH to tell you honestly what part of their e-mails rings true to him, you two could have a productive conversation, or would that just put a wedge between the two of you? |
Anonymous
OP here. Yes, you're right, there is more (which is why my post was so very, very long). MIL has been married a number of times to abusive men, so the kids were all subjected to that when they were growing up (MIL has 5 kids). I have another BIL who has threatened suicide and we had to block phone contact with him (we do see him when we're in town) because he was calling in the middle of the night and leaving screaming voicemails, etc. (he's the twin brother of the BIL in my original post). DH and I both hate the thought of going through this again with more of his siblings. So the family dynamic is very dysfunctional, but they, to their credit, know it, and are (I thought) very much trying to get back to a normal place. So I've been trying to work with that and be open to building relationships...and then this happens. |
Anonymous
Nope, this BIL is gay, so I kind of doubt that's the problem. |
Anonymous
OP here. I did. His first question to me when we first talked about this over the weekend was "did you do anything to make them feel this way?" He thinks it's as crazy as I do. DH and I are very open with each other in general- we talked about this for several hours tonight, exploring reasons why, etc. |
Anonymous
|
Wow, that's awful. You have WAY more contact with them than I do with my own family, so I can totally understand why you are feeling blindsided and hurt!
I would suggest that you NOT go through your DH for all of this. I highly suggest reaching out via snail mail to your SIL and MIL at least and simply say that you are totally hurt and blindsided by this very personal criticism, that you have tried to be a friendly/communicative DIL/SIL and that you have been in touch with them as much as you are your own family and friends. I would be very frank about how hurt you are and how this makes you far less comfortable to reach out and be in contact. That's a consequence of their hurtful behavior, not your desire to limit contact. And then I would limit contact for a long cooling off period. I'm most incensed by your user of an SIL. Asking for your beach house and then backstabbing you? Is your DH defending you to them? He'd better be. |
Anonymous
OP here. I'm in way more contact with them than many of my good friends and family as well, mostly because I know they want that and I've been trying to meet them halfway. I have wonderful friends who if I don't see or talk to them but once every few years, it's still an awesome relationship and we just pick up where we left off. My in-laws are not like that. And DH is 100% on my side, and is pissed that this is all happening. And he's pissed at his sister about the beach house too- especially considering that she's saying I don't want a relationship with their family and am not in enough contact, but she wanted to go down to my family's beach house with her boyfriend (instead of, say, coming to stay with us, and building said relationship). I hadn't thought about a letter. Thanks for the idea, I'll definitely think about that. |
Anonymous
|
Well, I think if it were me, I would probably send an e-mail to each of them separately that is something along the lines of as follows:
“I am really taken aback by your [e-mails/texts/etc.] I really like you, and thought that we had a good relationship. We don’t see each other as often as I would like, but we’ve only known each other for a few years, and I looked forward to our relationship growing over the rest of our lifetimes. I’ve tried to keep in touch as best I can while working, moving, and raising a baby, and have made an extra effort to make sure that you are a part of our child’s life. I am offended and hurt by the way you’ve raised these issues with me. While I hear you say that you’re just trying to build your relationship with me, calling me things like [insert] is entirely out-of-line. I don’t think its fair, and it is also not productive. Insulting me is not a way to sustain a relationship with me or [DH]. What you said recently is not going to help us to become closer; it is going to set our relationship back. Frankly, I think you owe me an apology.” After I send the e-mail, I’d try to avoid two opposite things: First, don’t pull away and react incredibly harshly to them, or cut off all ties. You seem like you’re going to want them in your family’s life, for better or worse, so even though they were complete assholes, I wouldn’t lash out at them. It won’t be productive or make you feel much better, and it will convince them that some of what they said was correct. Second, I also would try hard not to change my own behavior to reward their awful behavior. Keep up the updates and Facetime calls. Still offer to invite the niece over, etc. But don’t re-write our own boundaries in response to being bullied. Just live your life. And thank DH for being so supportive! P.S. I would not make your DH do the talking for you. They’ll just use that as evidence you are standoffish. |