Receiving insulting emails from in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I think if it were me, I would probably send an e-mail to each of them separately that is something along the lines of as follows:

“I am really taken aback by your [e-mails/texts/etc.] I really like you, and thought that we had a good relationship. We don’t see each other as often as I would like, but we’ve only known each other for a few years, and I looked forward to our relationship growing over the rest of our lifetimes. I’ve tried to keep in touch as best I can while working, moving, and raising a baby, and have made an extra effort to make sure that you are a part of our child’s life.

I am offended and hurt by the way you’ve raised these issues with me. While I hear you say that you’re just trying to build your relationship with me, calling me things like [insert] is entirely out-of-line. I don’t think its fair, and it is also not productive. Insulting me is not a way to sustain a relationship with me or [DH]. What you said recently is not going to help us to become closer; it is going to set our relationship back. Frankly, I think you owe me an apology.”

After I send the e-mail, I’d try to avoid two opposite things:

First, don’t pull away and react incredibly harshly to them, or cut off all ties. You seem like you’re going to want them in your family’s life, for better or worse, so even though they were complete assholes, I wouldn’t lash out at them. It won’t be productive or make you feel much better, and it will convince them that some of what they said was correct.

Second, I also would try hard not to change my own behavior to reward their awful behavior. Keep up the updates and Facetime calls. Still offer to invite the niece over, etc. But don’t re-write our own boundaries in response to being bullied. Just live your life.

And thank DH for being so supportive!

P.S. I would not make your DH do the talking for you. They’ll just use that as evidence you are standoffish.

OP here. This is great advice, thank you. And I think you're right about the two "don't do's". They will totally take that as a "see, we were right about her!" The problem with the second "don't" is that what I was doing with the texts/face time etc was clearly not working in terms of giving them what they wanted. How do I continue the status quo, when they clearly want more/different, but I was giving all I could?

[Anonymous]

I think ignoring BILs Facebook messages (even if just an emoticon or a simple Hey) was rude, so I can see where he is coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think ignoring BILs Facebook messages (even if just an emoticon or a simple Hey) was rude, so I can see where he is coming from.

OP here- I would agree with you, but I do respond to about every third of them. When DH and I started dating, BIL would do it way more often, and the more I responded the more he emailed me (it was multiple times a week, and I'd only met him once at that point), so I had to stop responding to every one. I don't not respond to his "hellos" to be a bitch. That was a boundary I set early, and I didn't realize it was chaffing so badly several years later.

[Anonymous]

It seems strange that they all want such a close relationship with you. What's that all about? I love my SIL but I would never hound her this way. They sound really needy and insecure, no doubt because of all those abusive stepfathers, but I'm not sure you can fix their problem. It sounds much deeper than you. I like the PP's suggested email above, followed by a level of continued friendliness that you're comfortable with. You don't have to let yourself get coerced into excessive contact with damaged people.

[Anonymous]

I would back the heck off after this. Take a break. Let DH give his family members a "What the heck? My wife does the best she can, she sends you photos, talks with you on the phone, now this? Are you crazy? She talks with you more than she talks to some of her closest friends for crying out loud. You are out of line, and you owe my wife an apology." See what they say to DH when he puts them on the spot for their behavior. If the apologize, great.

If not, just stop contact for awhile--not DH, but you. Continuing their normal level of contact isn't how you would respond to anyone else treating you this way, right? Don't get on the phone when DH calls, let DH be the one to send baby photos, don't arrange the beach house visit if that couple is the one who acted like this, possibly block them on Facebook for now.

Back off and let them realize how good they had it. Think about what you actually want based on this new information after several weeks and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I think if it were me, I would probably send an e-mail to each of them separately that is something along the lines of as follows:

“I am really taken aback by your [e-mails/texts/etc.] I really like you, and thought that we had a good relationship. We don’t see each other as often as I would like, but we’ve only known each other for a few years, and I looked forward to our relationship growing over the rest of our lifetimes. I’ve tried to keep in touch as best I can while working, moving, and raising a baby, and have made an extra effort to make sure that you are a part of our child’s life.

I am offended and hurt by the way you’ve raised these issues with me. While I hear you say that you’re just trying to build your relationship with me, calling me things like [insert] is entirely out-of-line. I don’t think its fair, and it is also not productive. Insulting me is not a way to sustain a relationship with me or [DH]. What you said recently is not going to help us to become closer; it is going to set our relationship back. Frankly, I think you owe me an apology.”

After I send the e-mail, I’d try to avoid two opposite things:

First, don’t pull away and react incredibly harshly to them, or cut off all ties. You seem like you’re going to want them in your family’s life, for better or worse, so even though they were complete assholes, I wouldn’t lash out at them. It won’t be productive or make you feel much better, and it will convince them that some of what they said was correct.

Second, I also would try hard not to change my own behavior to reward their awful behavior. Keep up the updates and Facetime calls. Still offer to invite the niece over, etc. But don’t re-write our own boundaries in response to being bullied. Just live your life.

And thank DH for being so supportive!

P.S. I would not make your DH do the talking for you. They’ll just use that as evidence you are standoffish.

OP here. This is great advice, thank you. And I think you're right about the two "don't do's". They will totally take that as a "see, we were right about her!" The problem with the second "don't" is that what I was doing with the texts/face time etc was clearly not working in terms of giving them what they wanted. How do I continue the status quo, when they clearly want more/different, but I was giving all I could?

Rewarding bad behavior is not good advice. Seriously, you are just lining yourself up for more crap in the future. They have demonstrated they can't be pleased. You are not going to make them happy even doing more than you want...so cut back and don't worry about it. Frankly, it is in no way your job to meet their demands for a "close" relationship. It's DH's family--let them be his problem, not yours.

[Anonymous]

^exactly.

[Anonymous]

Remember these are people used to dysfunction and abuse. BIL"s behavior is awful, not to mention manipulative It's worrisome how he sought to isolate you by saying all kinds of verbally abusive things ordering you not to tell your husband.

His behavior is a warning sign. They want to have a better relationship with you they could have used their words and asked nicrly. Instead BIL had the equivalent of a two year old's temerity tantrum and apparently his mother and sister think that's totally an apropriate way to treat someone.

I think you should let them.know you won't tolerate the name calling and verbal abuse. But I wouldn't hasten to have more contact with them than you're comfortable doing. Don't reward their behavior.

Our of curiosity do they live near each other? Do they resent you and DH for moving to DC?

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'm going to give a very simplistic response - but is it possible, that your ILs take FB messages very seriously? I don't, my ILs dont, but I have a few friends who have actually disowned family members over the type and frequency of FB communications. To them, it is very important. To most people, a FB chat or g-chat is just a "hey, if you have time - how are you?" but to some people out there, it is how to you stay in touch. So, it was no big deal to you when you didn't respond - to them, it was epic.

I can totally see how you're genuinely thinking this all came out of left field, but to them, you've been snubbing them for years and they're fed up with it. I'm more on your side, but I've heard the other side - and these people genuinely believe an ignored FB msg is a slight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would back the heck off after this. Take a break. Let DH give his family members a "What the heck? My wife does the best she can, she sends you photos, talks with you on the phone, now this? Are you crazy? She talks with you more than she talks to some of her closest friends for crying out loud. You are out of line, and you owe my wife an apology." See what they say to DH when he puts them on the spot for their behavior. If they apologize, great.

I think this is what your husband should say. I'm get your situation - the frequency of communication on my ILs side is higher than what I'm used to, so I've upped my frequency of communication with them, but thankfully they've also lowered their expectations and we've met somewhere in the middle. If my ILs weren't willing to meet me half way, we'd have a problem. I talk to my MIL more often than my own mother, so I wouldn't have much patience for complaints in that department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think ignoring BILs Facebook messages (even if just an emoticon or a simple Hey) was rude, so I can see where he is coming from.

OP here- I would agree with you, but I do respond to about every third of them. When DH and I started dating, BIL would do it way more often, and the more I responded the more he emailed me (it was multiple times a week, and I'd only met him once at that point), so I had to stop responding to every one. I don't not respond to his "hellos" to be a bitch. That was a boundary I set early, and I didn't realize it was chaffing so badly several years later.

I think this is the key to why he's so angry. Facebook is a breeding ground for resentment and discord in social relationships, especially among people who are oversensitive.

[Anonymous]

Do you come from a higher socio-economic background than they do? they may have these ideas about you from the beginning and see your behavior of not responding to every Facebook message as validating and reinforcing the ideas that they had about you from the start.

What to do now? If I got messages like that I would just disengage. for me it would be a thick red line that got crossed. The responsibility of maintaining the relationahip would now fall squarely on dh. I'd just be out of this. Not the most positive attitude but I just have zero patience for this type of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think ignoring BILs Facebook messages (even if just an emoticon or a simple Hey) was rude, so I can see where he is coming from.

OP here- I would agree with you, but I do respond to about every third of them. When DH and I started dating, BIL would do it way more often, and the more I responded the more he emailed me (it was multiple times a week, and I'd only met him once at that point), so I had to stop responding to every one. I don't not respond to his "hellos" to be a bitch. That was a boundary I set early, and I didn't realize it was chaffing so badly several years later.

I stay logged out of FB messenger and stay invisable on g-chat for this reason. Seeing that green dot next to your name seems to drive some people mad, because they take that green dot as absolute proof that you are available to talk but instead are ignoring them.

[Anonymous]

Given that I have people in my family like this, who pull this kind of immature crap, then accuse others of being immature, cold, and passive aggressive, I can totally believe how something like this can come from left field.

Honestly, I think you should say that you are surprised and disappointed in the way that they have perceived and understood you. You should NOT say, "I know I can be blah blah blah sometimes," because these folks sound like they are insecure and immature and looking for a fight and excuses in order to justify their own bad behavior. Tell them you'd love to talk to them but keep the discussion focused on the future, not the he said/she said of the past. If they sound like they're just going to hurl insults and pick fights, tell them you'd be happy to speak when they are ready to.

I also think you and DH should reach out to each one individually. Don't let them become a team. They're concerns are individual, and some are more real and more valid than others.

Don't forget who you are and don't let them make you bitter, resentful, or negative in general.

[Anonymous]

Two words: Fu@k them.

Cut toxic people out of your life.
No more pictures, no more visits, do not I repeat do not
Let these people near your kids.

If your husband wants to email pictures fine.
Otherwise they just sank their ship.