What's the Point of Chasing Marriage and Kids, Really?!

[Anonymous]

DC is a good place to find a woman who doesn't want kids and who isn't set on marriage. There seem to be more of us here than in any other place I have lived.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think as long as someone is honest with themselves about who they are, and are comfortable witht that, then beating to your own drummer is the on,y way to live your own life.

Yes, many people end up feeling regret, or at least pangs of it later in life. I have friends for whom it rings both ways - people who got married and children because that was the narrative of the times, and those who ended up childless and single, who later wished they did it another way. I think this is part off the normal human experience - to think a little about the other side of the fence. I think there's still definitely a lot of pressure to fill the "marry, breed" path, and that people don't understand that folks can be happy travelling a more singlular path.

I have an amazing artist friend. She is EVERYTHING a man (or woman) would want. She's extremely smart, funny, creative, beautiful, etc. etc. One of those people who lights up a room just by walking in. And as it were, she is also a lifelong "old maid". People who don't know her tsk tsk behind her back about how it's such a shame she never "found a man to make an honest woman of her", "she would be such a wonderful mother", etc.

On the inside of it, I can tell you, there is no man (or woman) that would complete her life any more than she has competed her own. She is a whirlwind of energy, volunteering, doing her art, sometimes doing nothing at all but staring at the rain on the window. She has (and has) Had some FWB type relationships (this woman is in her 60s now), but is always honest about her expectations (none). And in that, she is completely content with how she lives her life. She is unapologetic about her life choice, and it's always a lesson to me: to just live your life and OWN IT. to me, that's the key.

I'm sure she has the odd moment of wondering what "might have been", but her life is what she has made it. And that's really what everyone needs to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would love to hear from those who have been there and done that:

1. If you were a mid 30s guy, solid education and good career prospects, and don't really NEED marriage and kids to feel fulfilled, would you?

2. Are there many other guys out there like me?

3. Will I hit 40 or 50 and suddenly feel a void that it's too late to fill?

4. Is it FAIR to put myself up for this if I am NOT FEELING it, and would it be FAIR to a potential partner?

I can understand the sexes might be split on this, but I am so bewildered by all the negativity and stress juggling sex, marriage, kids and career, why bother given all the risks and potential drama involved?

Honest responses welcomed.


Signed by a heterosexual OP who recently 'dodged a bullet.'

To the bolded: no, it would not.

To the question re. whether you need marriage and children to be a fulfilled person: of course you don't, if you don't desire them.

To the question about changing your mind at 40-50: it won't be too late for marriage. And, for a man, it's not too late for kids either. The latter is obviously different for a woman.

[Anonymous]

If the consensus on this list was that you "dodged a bullet" in a relationship (don't know/remember the thread) it was that what you described was clearly the wrong relationship for you. It is unlikely that people agreed that any relationship was wrong for you, just that your potential partner in that case was not good.

Don't have kids or get married if you don't want to. It is rather possible that you will feel differently later in life, but here's the advantage that men have. You can change your mind and still have your own children. And at some point in your life you may meet someone that just seems right to be with long term, and you won't have reservations. No one should get married just to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the thing, I don't want to just date. Like most people, I see myself in a long-term monogamous relationship that is fulfilling.

Unfortunately most women in my date range (+/-10 years) either have kids or want them. So sometimes it feels isolated and like I might lose out on a potentially solid partner just because of this.

I can give or take on the question of marriage although I see no point of legalizing a relationship if there are no plans for bringing kids into the world.

However, is it wise or fair to compromise on something so serious as having kids? Regrets further on, or will I suddenly have an epiphany once they arrive?


OP

You can find women who don't want children. It takes some searching, but you can find them. Would a dating site / agency be an option for you? You can specify on your profile that you don't want kids, and you'll be matched only with women who don't want them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So it sounds as if children is the sticking point. You don't mind the wife, but you do mind the kid hassle.

I can't imagine that any man or woman would regret the children they have begotten. Of course kids make you get out of your selfish mode, of course they're a ton of work. But... they're also a joy. As babies they have cute giggles and coos. As little kids they trust you and look up to you and say they love you and that you're the best in the world. Then they hate you. Then, if you've done your job right, they come back and ask for professional advice, ask for parenting advice, and say thank you for raising me right. And you get grandchildren if you're lucky, who you can spoil rotten like you never did with your kids.

If that doesn't appeal to you, I suggest you make it quite clear to your partner. So many threads on DCUM dealing with frustrated women who somehow thought their boyfriend who didn't want kids would change his mind...

If they didn't want them, of course they regret having them. It's just not accepted, on a social level, that one feels like that. And, of course, the child must never, ever know that his or her parent feels that way because s/he didn't ask to be born. It would be terrible to let a child know that s/he's considered a mistake.

That's why no one should have children "because that's what people do".

Children must be wanted, cherished, and be the number one priority in your life.

Otherwise, don't have them. No one is holding a machine gun to your back and telling you it's a choice between reproduction or being gunned down.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't do anything you don't want to especially marriage and kids. But the right woman might change your mind, so dont make any permanent decisions at such a young age. I know 1st time fathers in their late 40's and I know a couple who never planned to get married after being together 10 years but then they had an oops. Now they are still happy, married and with a beutiful child. Just live your life and see where it takes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I see your point to some degree. But the desire to not grow old alone is more powerful.

There's no guarantee you won't grow old alone even if you do marry and have children.

Your family may be killed in a car accident while you're home waiting for them, and there you go.

Also, not wanting to be alone is a terrible reason to have children. The only reson why one should have children is that that person deeply wants to have children. All the rest is just selfishness.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 36 year old woman. I don't have kids and don't want kids. I'd like a long-term relationship but don't particularly care if it includes marriage or not. There may not be many of us, but we exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing about having kids is that there is a no return policy. You get what you. Your life will change. Maybe you'll love it. Maybe you'll hate it. No one knows how you'll feel.

When my oldest was born I went through a period of mourning for my old life. The flexibility to only take care of me. To eat cereal for dinner. To come home after work and fall asleep on the couch. 8 yrs later I can't imagine my life without my kids.

My best friends mom left one day and never came home. BFF was 6. So obviously parenthood is not for everyone and not everyone has the epiphany about how wonderful kids are.

This is not something you can half ass. But you already know that. You can't compromise on having kids. Either your in or your not.

Yes kids are no joke. After my first, I wondered what happened to me. I had no sleep, looked like crap, felt like crap, became a SAHM mom because made sense to us, then had second kid. Hard work. Kids are now 9 and 10 and life without them for us would be meaningless. Life can be hectic sometimes because I can't be selfish. I can't just eat cereal for dinner and call it a day. I can't just sleep until noon. I can't just go to work function and not wonder who will watch kids that evening. But, with all that comes an intimate and fulfilling joy. I live with a purpose outside of myself, I also know that I have two kids looking at me and push myself to be a better person and to succeed. It's not all work but the first years (baby/toddler) can be brutal. If you are definitely sure you don't want kids then find a woman whose had them and can't change her mind (at least for herself physically) or who had them and doesn't want anymore. A woman in her late 30s or early to mid 40s. You can have a long term partner sans children with a woman in this category. Most women want kids at some point in their 30s if they didn't have the desire before that. I never dreamed of kids or was in a rush to have them, but once in my 30s I really wanted them and my DH did too. First kid came at 36 and second at almost 38. Parenthood is not for everyone and I applaud you for not having any if you are 1,000% sure you don't want them. Because once they are here they deserve to be loved. And, they are awesome and hard wok and time consuming and fun and funny and an unexplainable happiness all rolled up into one. DH and I are out of the toddler/baby years and enjoying the kids and ourselves immensely.

That being said, I have a friend who is 50, had a vasectomy years ago, and doesn't want kids. His long term relationship is going on 47 years and he's worried because despite his partner telling him she did not want kids when she was 26 yrs old she's now 31 yrs old and it's in your 30s when as a woman your clock turns on and tells you that you want kids. It's a constant worry for him that she will change her mind. Before her he had a 5 year relationship that ended.

So just be honest with yourself, your partner, and chose wisely. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

PP here, sorry I meant to say his long term relationship is going on 5 years. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the thing, I don't want to just date. Like most people, I see myself in a long-term monogamous relationship that is fulfilling.

Unfortunately most women in my date range (+/-10 years) either have kids or want them. So sometimes it feels isolated and like I might lose out on a potentially solid partner just because of this.

I can give or take on the question of marriage although I see no point of legalizing a relationship if there are no plans for bringing kids into the world.

However, is it wise or fair to compromise on something so serious as having kids? Regrets further on, or will I suddenly have an epiphany once they arrive?


OP

You would be surprised by how many women who do not want children. I have a couple of girlfriends who never wanted kids. One girlfriend had a kid because her husband wanted children, she's an okay mom but should have married someone like you.

[Anonymous]

Please spare your future children from an unhappy childhood. You will end up divorced b/c you didn't want marriage and kids in the first place. They will feel abandoned and unwanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So it sounds as if children is the sticking point. You don't mind the wife, but you do mind the kid hassle.

I can't imagine that any man or woman would regret the children they have begotten. Of course kids make you get out of your selfish mode, of course they're a ton of work. But... they're also a joy. As babies they have cute giggles and coos. As little kids they trust you and look up to you and say they love you and that you're the best in the world. Then they hate you. Then, if you've done your job right, they come back and ask for professional advice, ask for parenting advice, and say thank you for raising me right. And you get grandchildren if you're lucky, who you can spoil rotten like you never did with your kids.

If that doesn't appeal to you, I suggest you make it quite clear to your partner. So many threads on DCUM dealing with frustrated women who somehow thought their boyfriend who didn't want kids would change his mind...

Are you kidding me.

[Anonymous]

The advantage of being a guy is when you hit 40 and even 50, it is still not too late for family and kids, provided you can attract a younger female. Women are in much more hurry in this respect, unfortunately.