What's the Point of Chasing Marriage and Kids, Really?!

[Anonymous]

I love my DH and children but if I had it to do over, I would not have married and had children.

[Anonymous]

Marriage isn't for some people. Marriage and children aren't for others. Internet strangers can really help you know if you belong to either of these groups. All we know is you were involved with someone who didn't want either when you did - or who did, when you didn't. It sounds like you're still feeling unhappy about what happened with your relationship.

Since you're asking for perspective and advice, here's mine. When people make men vs. women comments ("I can understand the sexes might be split on this"), that tends to indicate the interpersonal issue was affected at least in part by some sort of skewed thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage isn't for some people. Marriage and children aren't for others. Internet strangers can really help you know if you belong to either of these groups. All we know is you were involved with someone who didn't want either when you did - or who did, when you didn't. It sounds like you're still feeling unhappy about what happened with your relationship.

Since you're asking for perspective and advice, here's mine. When people make men vs. women comments ("I can understand the sexes might be split on this"), that tends to indicate the interpersonal issue was affected at least in part by some sort of skewed thinking.

Thanks for weighing in. The good thing is that you are wrong. I am neither "unhappy" nor was there a relationship of such. The bad thing is that you still have not answered the questions from your personal experiences.

My questions are motivated by years of introspection, self-reflection, and now months of reading DCUM not directly related to my recent experiences. The 'dodged a bullet' tag was in reference to the unanimous opinion coming out of a recent thread I started (no point coloring this thread with the dye from that one, but suffice it to say I am the same OP at this point in my life where I am happy with me).

Skewed thinking is quite normal given our experience here in the Western world where ex-husbands and fathers consistently walk away from divorce proceedings poorer, while their former partners often benefit from what they never worked for, or more than if they had not divorced. In other words, Family Law in Western and more so American jurisprudence, is now skewed against men thanks to what happened 40-50 years ago with the rise of Radical Feminism particularly.

So with that clarification, how and when did you know that marriage and/or parenting are/aren't for you? Or are you ambivalent?


OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the thing, I don't want to just date. Like most people, I see myself in a long-term monogamous relationship that is fulfilling.

Unfortunately most women in my date range (+/-10 years) either have kids or want them. So sometimes it feels isolated and like I might lose out on a potentially solid partner just because of this.

I can give or take on the question of marriage although I see no point of legalizing a relationship if there are no plans for bringing kids into the world.

However, is it wise or fair to compromise on something so serious as having kids? Regrets further on, or will I suddenly have an epiphany once they arrive?


OP

Oh no, if you don't want kids, don't have them.

I am a single woman. Don't want kids. I do want to get married, tho. So I wouldn't date someone who didn't want to get married.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for weighing in. The good thing is that you are wrong. I am neither "unhappy" nor was there a relationship of such. The bad thing is that you still have not answered the questions from your personal experiences.

My questions are motivated by years of introspection, self-reflection, and now months of reading DCUM not directly related to my recent experiences. The 'dodged a bullet' tag was in reference to the unanimous opinion coming out of a recent thread I started (no point coloring this thread with the dye from that one, but suffice it to say I am the same OP at this point in my life where I am happy with me).

Skewed thinking is quite normal given our experience here in the Western world where ex-husbands and fathers consistently walk away from divorce proceedings poorer, while their former partners often benefit from what they never worked for, or more than if they had not divorced. In other words, Family Law in Western and more so American jurisprudence, is now skewed against men thanks to what happened 40-50 years ago with the rise of Radical Feminism particularly.

So with that clarification, how and when did you know that marriage and/or parenting are/aren't for you? Or are you ambivalent?

Jeez, OP, spare us all and stay out of the marriage pool. I know that just sounds snarky, but truly, what's the point if this is your attitude towards your potential partners.

[Anonymous]

I didn't want kids for a long time until I changed my mind sometime after age 30. I got married in my late-30s and had a couple kids with my dear wife. Let me tell you, there are some really tough days in there. My kids are hard and the source of quite a bit of stress in my marriage. Throw in some health issues with the other costs of family life and my financial position is WAY worse than when I was single. Kids are wonderful but they are also one of the biggest time sucks in life; my career has definitely suffered from being a parent.

All that said. I'm glad I did it.

Your statements on finances and divorce give me some pause. I know there are some great anecdotes out there, however the studies I've read are pretty consistent that mens' financial status improves after divorce and womens' status gets worse. Google up: who does better financially after divorce women men

When you start tossing around terms like "their former partners often benefit from what they never worked for" and "the rise of Radical Feminism " it makes me think that marriage and parenthood might not work out for you. Honestly.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. You can marry a traditional woman who's going to want kids, or you can date a feminist who's happy to reject traditional roles, but you're going to have a tough time finding someone who's neither. Especially if you are a gross "men's rights activist," which is just code for a misogynist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. You can marry a traditional woman who's going to want kids, or you can date a feminist who's happy to reject traditional roles, but you're going to have a tough time finding someone who's neither. Especially if you are a gross "men's rights activist," which is just code for a misogynist.

I wouldn't go that far. The OP just needs to be honest and open with whomever he dates.

My brother never wanted kids and dated lots of women when he was younger. He shocked me when he settled down and moved in with a woman. After 10 years or so they got married because it gave them some legal advantages. They never had kids and continue to be very happy. It's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage isn't for some people. Marriage and children aren't for others. Internet strangers can really help you know if you belong to either of these groups. All we know is you were involved with someone who didn't want either when you did - or who did, when you didn't. It sounds like you're still feeling unhappy about what happened with your relationship.

Since you're asking for perspective and advice, here's mine. When people make men vs. women comments ("I can understand the sexes might be split on this"), that tends to indicate the interpersonal issue was affected at least in part by some sort of skewed thinking.

Thanks for weighing in. The good thing is that you are wrong. I am neither "unhappy" nor was there a relationship of such. The bad thing is that you still have not answered the questions from your personal experiences.

My questions are motivated by years of introspection, self-reflection, and now months of reading DCUM not directly related to my recent experiences. The 'dodged a bullet' tag was in reference to the unanimous opinion coming out of a recent thread I started (no point coloring this thread with the dye from that one, but suffice it to say I am the same OP at this point in my life where I am happy with me).

Skewed thinking is quite normal given our experience here in the Western world where ex-husbands and fathers consistently walk away from divorce proceedings poorer, while their former partners often benefit from what they never worked for, or more than if they had not divorced. In other words, Family Law in Western and more so American jurisprudence, is now skewed against men thanks to what happened 40-50 years ago with the rise of Radical Feminism particularly.

So with that clarification, how and when did you know that marriage and/or parenting are/aren't for you? Or are you ambivalent?


OP

Do feel free to color this thread with some clarity, OP. What do you mean by "dodged a bullet"?

[Anonymous]

You think you're the only 30-something male in the DC area with no desire to settle down? Have you been under a rock? The area is crawling with them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I see your point to some degree. But the desire to not grow old alone is more powerful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the thing, I don't want to just date. Like most people, I see myself in a long-term monogamous relationship that is fulfilling.

Unfortunately most women in my date range (+/-10 years) either have kids or want them. So sometimes it feels isolated and like I might lose out on a potentially solid partner just because of this.

I can give or take on the question of marriage although I see no point of legalizing a relationship if there are no plans for bringing kids into the world.

However, is it wise or fair to compromise on something so serious as having kids? Regrets further on, or will I suddenly have an epiphany once they arrive?


OP

Yes, there will be an epiphany. Don't overthink it.

[Anonymous]

Some guys just are the family type. My dh, now 40 and a successful lawyer for many years, was dying to get married and start a family long before we met.

[Anonymous]

^^ I should say, he wanted a family even as a little boy. It was just in his dna

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For some people, marriage and kids is not their cup of tea and that's ok. But like PP said, you just need to honest and upfront with anyone you date. And if you date exclusively for a while, you may have to offer reminders occasionally.

+1

+2 or 3. It's more than OK if everyone is honest.

-- Hetero 45 yr old woman