Sibling's DUI: tell our parents?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell them. At least not about the DUI yet. Also, I wouldn't give her money. She needs to learn that her drinking is a problem and she's got to figure out how to deal with the consequences herself. It sounds as if you don't have the money anyway. So, she may tell your parents herself if she needs money. Hopefully throughout all this, she will realize that her drinking is a problem. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

How much did she blow?
What money? She'll bleed guilty, no lawyer can help her, she'll pay some $200 to MADD,some court costs, pee in the cup regularly, attend AA for 6 months and see her probation officer monthly. After a year, she is good to go.
Why are you telling on her?

[Anonymous]

She blew 0.22. It was not some 'two glasses of wine' type thing where she blew a 0.09.

What money? She's not going to plead guilty so she needs a lawyer. The weird thing is that she wasn't driving when they picked her up. She was in the car but not operating it. And they didn't arrest her - there was no bail. I think they gave her a ticket or something like that. So it is worth paying for an attorney, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP has mentioned that her sister has kids. I'm surprised more people aren't reacting to that.
For all of you people saying MYOB, if you are a grandparent, wouldn't you like to know that your grandchildren might be at risk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She claims she will go to AA, etc. all the stuff you would want to hear. But in my opinion, talk is cheap. Who knows if she will really follow through? I feel like she nearly needs an intervention, and even that might not help.

If you think she has a drinking problem and needs an intervention, why are you enabling her by bailing her out on this DUI?

I guess if helping her pay for a lawyer is enabling, then yes, I'm enabling her. I don't see how her losing her job and potentially losing her kids is going to help.

Anyway, update. I talked to her again this morning and told her I'm not telling my parents but that she needs to. They already know something is up because she sent my dad a vague text that she needs help but isn't ready to tell him why yet. So they know something bad has happened. I think she will tell them of her own accord in the next few days.

You are absolutely enabling her if you're going to pay $10k that you don't have to help her fight something she's completely guilty of. You are doing everything in your power to keep your sister from suffering any consequences of her drinking, which is pretty much the opposite of what she needs right now. Your sister isn't going to get sober until she's really afraid she has something to lose, but thanks to you she doesn't need to be afraid.

[Anonymous]

Well, even with a lawyer, she's going to feel the effects of getting a DUI! She's going to have to go to court, she's at risk of losing her job and even her kids, and she is going to have to suffer whatever penalty she gets for the DUI. So I don't think that paying for her lawyer means she suddenly has nothing to lose and everything is sunshine and roses.

[Anonymous]

I'll be the naysayer here as the spouse of an alcoholic (who no longer drinks after going to rehab in his late 30s). If you feel this wasn't just a one-time mistake and your sister has a drinking problem, which is sounds like you do, I think she needs the whole family's support and encouragement to address her addiction. I wouldn't tell on her directly, but encourage her to tell your parents. (Sounds like she's leaning that way any way, so maybe doesn't need too much pushing.) Too many families try to shroud alcoholism in secrecy, where it thrives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As for money, this is going to cost around $10,000. Just FYI.

I paid for my brothers and it was 3800...not sure where this figure of 10k from. This was in 2014 BTW so not long ago.

My sisters was about $5000 also in 2014. $10,000 is extremenly high and DUI's are not that complicated.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure that I agreee with everyone that paying for her legal fees is "enabling" her. I am pretty sure that the folks saying that have never dealt with the DUI process. She will not be walking out of the courthouse scott free. As part of that process and a first offense, she will likely have to do substance abuse counseling or AA, she will have to participare in a victim's panel and she will have to get a breath device on her car to keep a license. All this manadated and supervised by the court. And depending on the state, a first offense can get her a probation before judgment order which means it will hit her record as a conviction unless she violates. So having her go through the court mandated process will probably help her down the road to sobriety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll be the naysayer here as the spouse of an alcoholic (who no longer drinks after going to rehab in his late 30s). If you feel this wasn't just a one-time mistake and your sister has a drinking problem, which is sounds like you do, I think she needs the whole family's support and encouragement to address her addiction. I wouldn't tell on her directly, but encourage her to tell your parents. (Sounds like she's leaning that way any way, so maybe doesn't need too much pushing.) Too many families try to shroud alcoholism in secrecy, where it thrives.

Thanks, PP. You've stated my feelings a lot better than I have. I am not trying to tattle or show my parents that "I'm the better daughter, see". I am worried about my nieces/nephew and my sister. She needs help from everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure that I agreee with everyone that paying for her legal fees is "enabling" her. I am pretty sure that the folks saying that have never dealt with the DUI process. She will not be walking out of the courthouse scott free. As part of that process and a first offense, she will likely have to do substance abuse counseling or AA, she will have to participare in a victim's panel and she will have to get a breath device on her car to keep a license. All this manadated and supervised by the court. And depending on the state, a first offense can get her a probation before judgment order which means it will hit her record as a conviction unless she violates. So having her go through the court mandated process will probably help her down the road to sobriety.

Thanks, PP. I really do hope that the state/county process will help her. This is serious stuff.

[Anonymous]

It's not your place to tell. I'm wondering, though, why you're enabling her by offering her money that you don't have? YOU ARE ENABLING HER DRINKING PROBLEM.

If your parents have money and her instinct was to go to them for help, you should have let her do that. That way, they are clued into her problem. By cushioning her from reality, you are not only protecting her from consequences but you are protecting her secret. That's no good for anyone.

Don't give her money. Let her go to your parents. Encourage her to tell the truth and accept help. And let go. Do not, do not, do not give her money and do not be the one to tell your parents. She is a grown-up. Let her clean up her own messes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She claims she will go to AA, etc. all the stuff you would want to hear. But in my opinion, talk is cheap. Who knows if she will really follow through? I feel like she nearly needs an intervention, and even that might not help.

If you think she has a drinking problem and needs an intervention, why are you enabling her by bailing her out on this DUI?

I guess if helping her pay for a lawyer is enabling, then yes, I'm enabling her. I don't see how her losing her job and potentially losing her kids is going to help.

Anyway, update. I talked to her again this morning and told her I'm not telling my parents but that she needs to. They already know something is up because she sent my dad a vague text that she needs help but isn't ready to tell him why yet. So they know something bad has happened. I think she will tell them of her own accord in the next few days.

Yes, this is textbook enabling her. You don't have $10,000. This is not your place to be absorbing the cost of her crime. Losing her job and potentially losing her kids might be exactly the rock bottom that she needs in order to turn her life around and give her kids their mom back. A job can be replaced but years can't. If you protect her from the consequences of this crime, and she continues to drink, it's ON YOU if her kids suffer. You made this not so bad, and she kept drinking, and now the years that the kids are suffering from an alcoholic mom are partly because of you.

Just stop.

The best thing you can do for your sister starting today is go to an Al Anon meeting. Listen to other sisters who have been in the same situation with their sisters and who have experience, strength, and hope to share. Listen to those who enabled and enabled and enabled because they didn't want their siblings to lose the jobs or kids....only to have their continued drinking end in job losses and heartbroken abused, neglected kids.

You are making it easier for your sister to be an alcoholic. Don't. It should be hard. This should be the worst thing she ever does for as long as she lives. DON'T make it easy now or someday it WILL be worse. Someone will be dead or her children will be irreparably damaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She blew 0.22. It was not some 'two glasses of wine' type thing where she blew a 0.09.

What money? She's not going to plead guilty so she needs a lawyer. The weird thing is that she wasn't driving when they picked her up. She was in the car but not operating it. And they didn't arrest her - there was no bail. I think they gave her a ticket or something like that. So it is worth paying for an attorney, in my opinion.

First, you state the seriousness of the problem (she blew a .22) and then you minimize the consequences she should get for it (you are willing to pay for her counsel so she can plead not guilty to something she is clearly guilty of in order to escape or minimize legal consequences.)

STOP.

This is serious, serious shit. She could kill someone. She is hurting her kids right now, every single day. If you care about them at all, you really should not be in the business of helping her get off. It's only going to make it easier for her to keep doing what she's doing.

I speak from experience. My brother got a DUI in his early 30's. It was a disaster for him. He stupidly got the best attorney out there, paid him his entire life savings to defend him (a $5,000 retainer) and the attorney's strategy was to keep postponing trial so that they'd get a judge who was lax on DUI's. All this time his license was suspended pending trial. When trial came up, he was found guilty and it was suspended a further 6 months.

He couldn't drive for over a year.

In retrospect, it was absolutely the best thing that ever happened to him as an adult. He rode his bike that whole year and lost 40 pounds. He kept his job, but ended up being pretty blunt with folks about why he was on his bike, saying he did something stupid with alcohol and realized that he just needs to cut out drinking entirely because he's no good with moderation. Our dad was an alcoholic and he was in denial that he was one, too, but this experience literally sobered him up. He never drank again. (He died in his late 30's, but that's another story.) He kept his job even though it involved needing to drive -- after the trial, he was given a work exemption and just couldn't drive anywhere else.

the reason I write is to urge you not to make this easier for her. It shouldn't be. If it's the worst thing that ever happens to her, it might be the best thing that ever happens to her.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all of the comments. I won't be paying her attorney fees. I really can't afford it. I did send her some money today to bring her bank account back up from overdrawn, but that's all I will do.

I don't agree that pleading guilty is what she should do. I think she should do whatever it takes to reduce the charges and try to keep her job and her kids. She will hire a lawyer to deal with this and she'll get the money from somewhere, most likely my parents. But telling my parents is something she is going to do for sure.