Sibling's DUI: tell our parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all of the comments. I won't be paying her attorney fees. I really can't afford it. I did send her some money today to bring her bank account back up from overdrawn, but that's all I will do.

I don't agree that pleading guilty is what she should do. I think she should do whatever it takes to reduce the charges and try to keep her job and her kids. She will hire a lawyer to deal with this and she'll get the money from somewhere, most likely my parents. But telling my parents is something she is going to do for sure.

Good luck, OP. I'm the PP with the alcoholic husband. I told his parents about his drinking problem -- particularly that I had caught him on multiple occasions drinking and driving with our child in the car. He was not busted by the cops, but as I struggled with how to stop him my therapist told me that she wished he would have been arrested because it could have been the wake up call he needed. She even suggested that I call the cops on him if he did it again. I didn't want to go that far, but instead I asked his parents for help. We staged an intervention and after a big struggle to get him to admit his problem and go to rehab. He's been sober for four years. There is hope but it's a hard road. Best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She blew 0.22. It was not some 'two glasses of wine' type thing where she blew a 0.09.

What money? She's not going to plead guilty so she needs a lawyer. The weird thing is that she wasn't driving when they picked her up. She was in the car but not operating it. And they didn't arrest her - there was no bail. I think they gave her a ticket or something like that. So it is worth paying for an attorney, in my opinion.

HOw is it possible she got a DUI then? Don't you need to be "driving" for it? Otherwise, I didn't know being drunk per se was illegal (without any disturbance).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She blew 0.22. It was not some 'two glasses of wine' type thing where she blew a 0.09.

What money? She's not going to plead guilty so she needs a lawyer. The weird thing is that she wasn't driving when they picked her up. She was in the car but not operating it. And they didn't arrest her - there was no bail. I think they gave her a ticket or something like that. So it is worth paying for an attorney, in my opinion.

HOw is it possible she got a DUI then? Don't you need to be "driving" for it? Otherwise, I didn't know being drunk per se was illegal (without any disturbance).

You can get a DUI for just sitting in the driver's seat while drunk, especially if the key is in the ignition. Basically, it's if the officer can reasonably determine you were about to operate a vehicle, they can stop you before that happens.

It's a weak defense here, though. OP knows fully well her sister would have driven if she'd not been pulled over, and the sister should consider herself lucky that she wasn't arrested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She blew 0.22. It was not some 'two glasses of wine' type thing where she blew a 0.09.

What money? She's not going to plead guilty so she needs a lawyer. The weird thing is that she wasn't driving when they picked her up. She was in the car but not operating it. And they didn't arrest her - there was no bail. I think they gave her a ticket or something like that. So it is worth paying for an attorney, in my opinion.

HOw is it possible she got a DUI then? Don't you need to be "driving" for it? Otherwise, I didn't know being drunk per se was illegal (without any disturbance).

No. It varies from state to state, but if you are not operating the car but the keys are in it, that meets the DUI standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all of the comments. I won't be paying her attorney fees. I really can't afford it. I did send her some money today to bring her bank account back up from overdrawn, but that's all I will do.

I don't agree that pleading guilty is what she should do. I think she should do whatever it takes to reduce the charges and try to keep her job and her kids. She will hire a lawyer to deal with this and she'll get the money from somewhere, most likely my parents. But telling my parents is something she is going to do for sure.

PP here. Obviously, your sister will get much better advice from a lawyer than you are getting here. People here do not understand how the DUI process works. They seem to think that her having a lawyer means she is going to beat the charge. That is simply not true. I agree though that if you cannot afford it, you should not pay her fees.

The lawyer will probably tell her to take a plea for a lesser degree and she will get probation as long as she does the things I mentioned in my earlier post - substance counseling, a victim's panel and a breath device. The lawyer will also explain to her that this is a great deal and much better than risking a trial. People here are talking about rock bottom and all of that. I see it another way. Why allow a person to hit rock bottom when that person can get help before they get there? In order to stay out of jail and having a fighting chance of keeping her kids and her job, she is going to have to get help. Going through a stuctured mandated program will help her and take the responsbility of monitoring her away from the family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, she got the DUI for being in the car with the key in the ignition. She was basically passed out in the car so it was obvious what the situation was. She was handcuffed but for some reason didn't have to pay bail. I don't get that but whatever.

Thanks to 9:10. I agree that there will likely be a plea deal, and we hope she will get off with pleading guilty to reckless driving or something like that. She's meeting a lawyer today so I guess we will see what comes of that.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and she did tell my parents, by the way. Actually she told them she had done something stupid, and they guessed what it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll be the naysayer here as the spouse of an alcoholic (who no longer drinks after going to rehab in his late 30s). If you feel this wasn't just a one-time mistake and your sister has a drinking problem, which is sounds like you do, I think she needs the whole family's support and encouragement to address her addiction. I wouldn't tell on her directly, but encourage her to tell your parents. (Sounds like she's leaning that way any way, so maybe doesn't need too much pushing.) Too many families try to shroud alcoholism in secrecy, where it thrives.

+1. Not directly and openly discussing and addressing a family members substance abuse was one of the worst decisions I ever made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, over 18, she's 39 and I'm 42.

No. This is her problem 100%. if you want to help, make sure she attends AA meetings. Be her accountability partner.

[Anonymous]

Yeah even I think she should attend AA meetings. Don’t worry those are completely safe and even there is nothing wrong attending it. Imagine if you don’t help her and she does drunk driving again. I have worked briefly with a Los Angeles DUI attorney and know how life can get ruined due to one stupid mistake of doing drunk driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, she got the DUI for being in the car with the key in the ignition. She was basically passed out in the car so it was obvious what the situation was. She was handcuffed but for some reason didn't have to pay bail. I don't get that but whatever.

Thanks to 9:10. I agree that there will likely be a plea deal, and we hope she will get off with pleading guilty to reckless driving or something like that. She's meeting a lawyer today so I guess we will see what comes of that.

If she had driven before passing out she would have killed someone, or herself. She's actually lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, she got the DUI for being in the car with the key in the ignition. She was basically passed out in the car so it was obvious what the situation was. She was handcuffed but for some reason didn't have to pay bail. I don't get that but whatever.

Thanks to 9:10. I agree that there will likely be a plea deal, and we hope she will get off with pleading guilty to reckless driving or something like that. She's meeting a lawyer today so I guess we will see what comes of that.

If she gets off for reckless driving will she still be mandated by the court to get treatment, etc??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are your parents like? My brother came home shit-faced while my parents were out of town. He threw up all over the carpet outside the bathroom. I cleaned everything up. Brother begged me not to tell. I agreed. But, I was just home from college for the summer and worried what would happen if my parents were clueless about this incident. I went to my parents and said, "I'm telling you something I think you ought to know about it, but if you let on that you know or that I am the one that shared, it will not be helpful." Then I explained the incident and said they had to keep a closer eye on him. brother, because I'm worried this incident might indicate a developing drinking problem.

As far as I know, my parents never gave it up that they knew. (Brother also never developed into a heavier drinker.)

What is your relationship with your parents? Can you share in some way that you are worried about sister's drinking, without spilling the beans about the DUI? Can you share about the DUI and will they be able to keep it secret that they know and extend the appropriate, nonjudgmental help?

What is your relationship with your sister? I'd try to tell her that she should go to AA. Consult with the lawyer, but coming into court and being able to say to the judge, "I'm ashamed this happened and I'm already taking steps to address it," is probably helpful.

Your brother was drunk and barfed and you turned it into an orange on the terror alert scale. you are a drama llama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, don't tell them. It's her business to tell.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm a tattle tale. I would tell. I recently told my on 61 yr old mother. Back when she was 17 she was driving home drunk and got pulled over. Thankfully the cop let her go with a warning. She recently told me and I promptly told my 83 yr old grandma on her.