Sibling's DUI: tell our parents?

[Anonymous]

As for money, this is going to cost around $10,000. Just FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She claims she will go to AA, etc. all the stuff you would want to hear. But in my opinion, talk is cheap. Who knows if she will really follow through? I feel like she nearly needs an intervention, and even that might not help.

If you think she has a drinking problem and needs an intervention, why are you enabling her by bailing her out on this DUI?

[Anonymous]

Don't help financially. That's enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, over 18, she's 39 and I'm 42.

No. Not your place to tell your parents unless her actions somehow compromise them (she is trying to weasel money out of them to pay for her legal expenses w/o fessing up to the truth or something). Otherwise, she is a grown woman, let her handle it.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT tell your parents. And I say this as someone whose brother got a DUI (his first and hopefully last) two years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She claims she will go to AA, etc. all the stuff you would want to hear. But in my opinion, talk is cheap. Who knows if she will really follow through? I feel like she nearly needs an intervention, and even that might not help.

If you think she has a drinking problem and needs an intervention, why are you enabling her by bailing her out on this DUI?

I guess if helping her pay for a lawyer is enabling, then yes, I'm enabling her. I don't see how her losing her job and potentially losing her kids is going to help.

Anyway, update. I talked to her again this morning and told her I'm not telling my parents but that she needs to. They already know something is up because she sent my dad a vague text that she needs help but isn't ready to tell him why yet. So they know something bad has happened. I think she will tell them of her own accord in the next few days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She claims she will go to AA, etc. all the stuff you would want to hear. But in my opinion, talk is cheap. Who knows if she will really follow through? I feel like she nearly needs an intervention, and even that might not help.

If you think she has a drinking problem and needs an intervention, why are you enabling her by bailing her out on this DUI?

OP, rather than providing money which enables her, insist that you drive her to AA meetings at first. Not because she'd drive there drunk! Because you seem pretty sure she might be blowing smoke about going at all. Find out where the local meetings are and TAKE her there. You will have to sit outside in the car and wait. Do it. I have seen AA truly help a woman your sister's age who is an alcoholic. But it doesn't help if you do not attend regularly and faithfully.

If you feel she needs an intervention, I would not wing it -- I'd get advice from someone (maybe a doctor or a counselor?) about the right way to do one, so that she doesn't end up slamming out of the room furious and stops talking to all of you. There are professionals who help stage interventions. But maybe try AA first.

I would not tell your parents about the DUI. But are they aware that she has a drinking problem? Do they enable it in any ways? Your family members might need to go to Al-Anon (which is for family of alcoholics, not for alcoholics themselves). You yourself might want to go to Al-Anon to hear from other people who have been where you are, at a crossroads wondering how to help a family member wake up to her own addiction. You might get some great, real-life advice there on what to do to help her and what not to do, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As for money, this is going to cost around $10,000. Just FYI.

I paid for my brothers and it was 3800...not sure where this figure of 10k from. This was in 2014 BTW so not long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She claims she will go to AA, etc. all the stuff you would want to hear. But in my opinion, talk is cheap. Who knows if she will really follow through? I feel like she nearly needs an intervention, and even that might not help.

If you think she has a drinking problem and needs an intervention, why are you enabling her by bailing her out on this DUI?

OP, rather than providing money which enables her, insist that you drive her to AA meetings at first. Not because she'd drive there drunk! Because you seem pretty sure she might be blowing smoke about going at all. Find out where the local meetings are and TAKE her there. You will have to sit outside in the car and wait. Do it. I have seen AA truly help a woman your sister's age who is an alcoholic. But it doesn't help if you do not attend regularly and faithfully.

If you feel she needs an intervention, I would not wing it -- I'd get advice from someone (maybe a doctor or a counselor?) about the right way to do one, so that she doesn't end up slamming out of the room furious and stops talking to all of you. There are professionals who help stage interventions. But maybe try AA first.

I would not tell your parents about the DUI. But are they aware that she has a drinking problem? Do they enable it in any ways? Your family members might need to go to Al-Anon (which is for family of alcoholics, not for alcoholics themselves). You yourself might want to go to Al-Anon to hear from other people who have been where you are, at a crossroads wondering how to help a family member wake up to her own addiction. You might get some great, real-life advice there on what to do to help her and what not to do, as well.

I can't drive her to meetings because I don't live anywhere near her. I wish I did! My parents live three hours away so they can't really either.

My parents are aware of the problem as well. They don't really enable it as they don't live close enough to do so. I agree about Al-Anon...my parents went almost twenty years ago when my sister was having trouble then. It is a good suggestion, thanks.

[Anonymous]

You do not need/should not work at keeping this a secret.

Have a discussion with your parents where you are very direct and say - that you are worried about your sister's drinking and, in your opinion, she is an alcoholic. Your parents aren't entitled to specifics. But if they ask, and are open to your opinion - tell them about the DUI - it's public information. Your sister is not entitled to be bailed out.

[Anonymous]

This is very typical DCUM

A problem is presented. Should I tell?
And then subsequent posts reveal everyone knows - the big picture, anyway - already.

[Anonymous]

Is she grown?
Then don't tell.
Honestly, if you want her to really understand the seriousness of her problem, I'd refrain from financial assistance. Let her climb out of this pit herself and it may be the rock bottom she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As for money, this is going to cost around $10,000. Just FYI.

That has nothing to do with whether or not you should tell your parents. You made that decision on your own; you don't gain some right to tell because you're paying for the attorney. It's for her to tell, in her own way, in her own time.

[Anonymous]

What does telling the parents of this middle aged, independent woman help? If those elderly parents can be blissfully unaware of all of this that would be the best thing for them wouldn't it? What exactly are those elderly parents supposed to do for their daughter now?

[Anonymous]

Don't tell. It's up to her to tell them or not.