Anniversary dinner tonight ...should I tell DH I want to leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a child of non-divorce and it has damaged me. I wish my parents had divorced, and now looking back it makes me sick to think that my mom spent all those years unhappy waiting for us to grown up and be on our own.
You 2 can make the split amicable and I'd be the one to move out.You'll still be there for kids and you all spend time together, but now you can be happy and maybe also him.


This.

As for the nonsense of forcing oneself to kiss and touch and hold hands... yuck.

I will say my parents staying together absolutely benefited my life and my sister's life. Yes, their marriage wasn't great, but they were civil and co-parented well and I can't fault them for choosing to stay together or divorce beyond the fact that staying together was a better decision in the short term financially. So, no. Not every adult child of divorce is a wreck or upset. I actually love that my parents decided to follow their own bliss and were committed to jointly raising us before doing that.

But did they actually divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want to tell him you're leaving during your anniversary dinner, out at a restaurant? OP, that's a really, really shitty thing to do. Even leaving aside the anniversary part, by doing it in public like that, you give him no privacy for his emotional response to the news. All he can do is leave the restaurant. Why would you do that instead of waiting for a private moment? If you really can't tolerate the idea of tonight's dinner, call him and ask him to cancel it so you can talk at home.

Can't talk to him at home, our kids will be there with a babysitter. If we talk in public, at least he will not make a scene. He's all about public appearances.

Then wait until a time when you can take a quiet walk somewhere a little quieter. Humiliating him in a restaurant isn't a good way to kick off a smooth and amicable divorce.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bring it up at an anniversary dinner, no, that seems cruel and unnecessary. Hire a babysitter and discuss it another time.

I don't necessarily agree with the posters who say it will come back. It might, or it might not. I tried all of those things with DH, but in the end, they could not change the fact that it is really soul-crushing being married to a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't bring it up at an anniversary dinner, no, that seems cruel and unnecessary. Hire a babysitter and discuss it another time.

I don't necessarily agree with the posters who say it will come back. It might, or it might not. I tried all of those things with DH, but in the end, they could not change the fact that it is really soul-crushing being married to a narcissist.

+1

I can't believe you are actually asking this question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want to tell him you're leaving during your anniversary dinner, out at a restaurant? OP, that's a really, really shitty thing to do. Even leaving aside the anniversary part, by doing it in public like that, you give him no privacy for his emotional response to the news. All he can do is leave the restaurant. Why would you do that instead of waiting for a private moment? If you really can't tolerate the idea of tonight's dinner, call him and ask him to cancel it so you can talk at home.

Can't talk to him at home, our kids will be there with a babysitter. If we talk in public, at least he will not make a scene. He's all about public appearances.

You are only doing this to make it easier on yourself - to keep him from being able to react. The PP is correct: this is extra shitty. Dumping people is rough, and you are not required to stay to avoid hurting him, but unless you fear for your physical safety, I think the public option is really awful. I completely understand (having left my ex-wife) that it gets to be horrible: there is never a good moment, and every day is full of making plans for the future when you're ready to start making plans for a different future. Making those plans for things together gets to feel like an intolerable lie. Get the baby sitter and go someplace private - like a park if nothing else - and give him the news there.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, lady...please don't do this. Do you realize if you do this you will forever be known by him, his family, your kids, his friends, etc as that bitch who announced she wanted a divorce at our anniversary dinner.

Who announces a divorce as the first move?

You say you aren't happy and want to try counseling...you don't start with divorce...unless you are screwing around already and want to move on ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want to tell him you're leaving during your anniversary dinner, out at a restaurant? OP, that's a really, really shitty thing to do. Even leaving aside the anniversary part, by doing it in public like that, you give him no privacy for his emotional response to the news. All he can do is leave the restaurant. Why would you do that instead of waiting for a private moment? If you really can't tolerate the idea of tonight's dinner, call him and ask him to cancel it so you can talk at home.

Can't talk to him at home, our kids will be there with a babysitter. If we talk in public, at least he will not make a scene. He's all about public appearances.

You are only doing this to make it easier on yourself - to keep him from being able to react. The PP is correct: this is extra shitty. Dumping people is rough, and you are not required to stay to avoid hurting him, but unless you fear for your physical safety, I think the public option is really awful. I completely understand (having left my ex-wife) that it gets to be horrible: there is never a good moment, and every day is full of making plans for the future when you're ready to start making plans for a different future. Making those plans for things together gets to feel like an intolerable lie. Get the baby sitter and go someplace private - like a park if nothing else - and give him the news there.

The more this thread goes on, the more I'm curious about OP's husband's side of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what drew you to him initially? Why did you fall in love?

+1 Did you love him when you married him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want to tell him you're leaving during your anniversary dinner, out at a restaurant? OP, that's a really, really shitty thing to do. Even leaving aside the anniversary part, by doing it in public like that, you give him no privacy for his emotional response to the news. All he can do is leave the restaurant. Why would you do that instead of waiting for a private moment? If you really can't tolerate the idea of tonight's dinner, call him and ask him to cancel it so you can talk at home.

Can't talk to him at home, our kids will be there with a babysitter. If we talk in public, at least he will not make a scene. He's all about public appearances.

You are only doing this to make it easier on yourself - to keep him from being able to react. The PP is correct: this is extra shitty. Dumping people is rough, and you are not required to stay to avoid hurting him, but unless you fear for your physical safety, I think the public option is really awful. I completely understand (having left my ex-wife) that it gets to be horrible: there is never a good moment, and every day is full of making plans for the future when you're ready to start making plans for a different future. Making those plans for things together gets to feel like an intolerable lie. Get the baby sitter and go someplace private - like a park if nothing else - and give him the news there.

The more this thread goes on, the more I'm curious about OP's husband's side of things.

+1

Like my Grandma used to say: "You can pour the batter extra thin, but the pancake will still have two sides."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, lady...please don't do this. Do you realize if you do this you will forever be known by him, his family, your kids, his friends, etc as that bitch who announced she wanted a divorce at our anniversary dinner.

Who announces a divorce as the first move?

You say you aren't happy and want to try counseling...you don't start with divorce...unless you are screwing around already and want to move on ASAP.

OP, I can understand that you've reached your boiling point, so do it gently. Don't even utter the word "divorce", just tell him about a separation. If he blows, then he blows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age of kids?

10 and 8

A lot of people have been where you are. However, if you really want to jump ship I would do it now rather than later. Two years from now and just before the hormones start kicking in for the teenage years, your kids will have a harder time dealing with the fallout of your relationship. I have a 13 and 15 I don't think a divorce would go over well in our current state in life. It would be best if you could find a way to put in the effort to keep your family together, you don't have easy options. The teenage years are a butt kicker, you 'll want your husband around ,in the home. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

PP, my parents divorced the second I finished college (I'm younger). They immediately retired and went different directions (mom: peace corps and living in Asia; dad: golfing in Florida). They are incredibly happy and at peace and honestly there wasn't much strife. I think they kind of had an unsaid agreement.

One thing was that by saving and working, they managed to retire young (55). I think that had a role in things and they wouldn't have been able to do this divorced. Marriages can be an arrangement and be fine.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP. Staying together isn't always the best option, but it isn't always the worst either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a child of non-divorce and it has damaged me. I wish my parents had divorced, and now looking back it makes me sick to think that my mom spent all those years unhappy waiting for us to grown up and be on our own.
You 2 can make the split amicable and I'd be the one to move out.You'll still be there for kids and you all spend time together, but now you can be happy and maybe also him.

I'm another child of not-soon-enough-divorce, and growing up in a household with such incredibly damaged role models conducting WW-III daily had a horrible effect on me and my siblings, and we have only partially really gotten over it. One sibling has never gotten over it (she probably would have had issues regardless, but this was like to the Nth power). I don't like the pat answers about 'stay together for the kids' even when they cite the evidence that in the aggregate (ie, averaged out over lots and lots of families) divorced children don't do as well: sure maybe a slight majority don't, but plenty do. Moreover, of those who don't: it's very hard to tease out whether it was the divorce, or the toxic parental relationship (which would have been there, divorce or not) that caused the damage.

Amicable - with mutual respect for each other - an attitude you put on display for your kids - divorce is often the least bad option by far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what drew you to him initially? Why did you fall in love?

He was always very smart, hard-working, lots of fun. A young man with very bright future. Life of a party. Only as years passed, I also saw him as a huge snob (basically, anyone w/o a PhD or MD is an idiot) and someone lacking self-esteem when it came to his career. Don't get me wrong, he's a great provider but he's always doubting himself, it's very annoying. Even when he's constantly reassured that he's doing a great job, he's still questioning his actions.

Ah, so you married the DH who would make more money. Now that you are 15 years in, it's time to ring the alimony bell while kids still young.

Nice touch doing it on anniversary dinner, are you bringing your giant countdown clock?