Anniversary dinner tonight ...should I tell DH I want to leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you. But I feel like I can't split up until I try everything possible to bring it back. I'm a child of divorce, and it has damaged me. I can't do that to my kids. I'll fake it for a lifetime if need be. If there's no abuse or dishonesty or serious wrongdoing, you have to keep trying. Counseling, books, couples retreats, date nights, finding a hobby together, anything. Don't just check out.

This. I was also at a point you are at. You have to basically force yourself to hold hands, sit beside each other, kiss etc. it will take time but it will come back.

[Anonymous]

I'm a child of non-divorce and it has damaged me. I wish my parents had divorced, and now looking back it makes me sick to think that my mom spent all those years unhappy waiting for us to grown up and be on our own.
You 2 can make the split amicable and I'd be the one to move out.You'll still be there for kids and you all spend time together, but now you can be happy and maybe also him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of announcing you want to leave tonight, why not start the evening reminiscing about the good and even great times. Then, like a PP mentioned, have an honest talk about the relationship being in trouble and trying to get help. Marriage is hard work but it's worth trying that hard for yourselves and your kids.

I think this is a great idea. You go PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you. But I feel like I can't split up until I try everything possible to bring it back. I'm a child of divorce, and it has damaged me. I can't do that to my kids. I'll fake it for a lifetime if need be. If there's no abuse or dishonesty or serious wrongdoing, you have to keep trying. Counseling, books, couples retreats, date nights, finding a hobby together, anything. Don't just check out.

OP: no physical abuse, but occasional verbal abuse from both sides, behind many-many closed doors and out of the kids' earshot. I hate our date nights, I'm tired of acting like I truly enjoy him being by my side. I dread weekends because I don't want to go places with him. Generally, I try to avoid him as much as possible. As far as hobbies - we simply don't have much in common. He's not into fitness, I am not into garage bands.

[Anonymous]

OP, what drew you to him initially? Why did you fall in love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a child of non-divorce and it has damaged me. I wish my parents had divorced, and now looking back it makes me sick to think that my mom spent all those years unhappy waiting for us to grown up and be on our own.
You 2 can make the split amicable and I'd be the one to move out.You'll still be there for kids and you all spend time together, but now you can be happy and maybe also him.

+1 I have heard both children and adults say this so many times over the years--that their parents were much happier and more courteous after an amicable divorce. Sometimes there is just nothing left to work with and staying together for the kids makes the kids miserable, also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what drew you to him initially? Why did you fall in love?

He was always very smart, hard-working, lots of fun. A young man with very bright future. Life of a party. Only as years passed, I also saw him as a huge snob (basically, anyone w/o a PhD or MD is an idiot) and someone lacking self-esteem when it came to his career. Don't get me wrong, he's a great provider but he's always doubting himself, it's very annoying. Even when he's constantly reassured that he's doing a great job, he's still questioning his actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a child of non-divorce and it has damaged me. I wish my parents had divorced, and now looking back it makes me sick to think that my mom spent all those years unhappy waiting for us to grown up and be on our own.
You 2 can make the split amicable and I'd be the one to move out.You'll still be there for kids and you all spend time together, but now you can be happy and maybe also him.

This.

As for the nonsense of forcing oneself to kiss and touch and hold hands... yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say tonight, i think we're in trouble and need some help. And tomorrow I'd book an appointment with a marriage therapist.

it's easy to get sucked into daily life with youngish kids (assuming yours are younger than 15). You just need to shake it off, force yourselves to interact more outside of being mom and dad, and rebuild your relationship.

How do you do that when everytime DH touches me I cringe? I mean, I can't physically stand him.

Well, obviously it's going to be harder because clearly you've let this fester way, way, WAY too long.
Part of your counseling should be exploring what has been going on with you both, as individuals and as a couple that would let things get to such a low point without being able to have some open communication and address it?

And marriage counseling can help in the event of divorce, You can map it out together and work on being good co-parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a man who was in this predicament I feel sad for both you and him. I talked to my wife about leaving just before an anniversary and we both cried a little bit. We're still together. It's not perfect but better. I wish you luck. For all you know, he may realize what is going on and is using the anniversary and vacation as means to get back what you once had. Please don't shut the whole marriage down.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's fair or wise to blindside the person you built a family with. Period. You can however raise your concerns about your marriage and ask him what he thinks. Engage in a dialogue, but don't make an announcement.

[Anonymous]

OP you are asking if it's a good idea to tell your husband and father of your kids at your anniversary dinner that you are leaving. This is a pretty dramatic move. Even if you are 100% sure you want to end the marriage, why poison the water for your future co-parenting relationship by approaching things this way? You will do better by your kids if you broach the subject of the state of your marriage in a kind and respectful way. I agree with the PPs who say you should try counseling--if not to save the marriage, to help get you to a place where you can communicate better for your kids' sake.

[Anonymous]

You want to tell him you're leaving during your anniversary dinner, out at a restaurant? OP, that's a really, really shitty thing to do. Even leaving aside the anniversary part, by doing it in public like that, you give him no privacy for his emotional response to the news. All he can do is leave the restaurant. Why would you do that instead of waiting for a private moment? If you really can't tolerate the idea of tonight's dinner, call him and ask him to cancel it so you can talk at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want to tell him you're leaving during your anniversary dinner, out at a restaurant? OP, that's a really, really shitty thing to do. Even leaving aside the anniversary part, by doing it in public like that, you give him no privacy for his emotional response to the news. All he can do is leave the restaurant. Why would you do that instead of waiting for a private moment? If you really can't tolerate the idea of tonight's dinner, call him and ask him to cancel it so you can talk at home.

Can't talk to him at home, our kids will be there with a babysitter. If we talk in public, at least he will not make a scene. He's all about public appearances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a child of non-divorce and it has damaged me. I wish my parents had divorced, and now looking back it makes me sick to think that my mom spent all those years unhappy waiting for us to grown up and be on our own.
You 2 can make the split amicable and I'd be the one to move out.You'll still be there for kids and you all spend time together, but now you can be happy and maybe also him.


This.

As for the nonsense of forcing oneself to kiss and touch and hold hands... yuck.

I will say my parents staying together absolutely benefited my life and my sister's life. Yes, their marriage wasn't great, but they were civil and co-parented well and I can't fault them for choosing to stay together or divorce beyond the fact that staying together was a better decision in the short term financially. So, no. Not every adult child of divorce is a wreck or upset. I actually love that my parents decided to follow their own bliss and were committed to jointly raising us before doing that.