Looking for advice re: in laws, dw, boundaries, my role

[Anonymous]

Op, can you answer a couple questions to understand the situation better?
1. Do you have the money for the plane tickets easily or is it a major burden? ( for example, my BIL's 6k destination wedding cost almost put my DH's family in WW III, but to some families that cost is not prohibitive)
2. Is your wife's job in jeopardy? Is she not getting paid when she doesn't work and it's affecting finances? Are you able to use vacation days together or are all of her days taken up with family?
3. Do you have children that need time and care? How is she just jumping on a plane? (I could never just leave my 1 and 4 year old without some planning and major assistance with childcare)
5. Does she see this as a problem at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfect example of why ppl need to consider ALL the ramifications of divorce--look at the burden it places on your children for your care if you don't remarry. This situation is dysfunctional but I don't know what positive outcome will yield from saying anything. You will be the anti family scrooge who is satisfied with leaving poor dad to fend for himself. Sorry but you are kind of quietly screwed

+1. Divorce lasts forever. And the impact on the grandchildren too.

Yep, my mom who left my dad seemingly on a whim after nearly 30 years of marriage learned this the hard way. After too many elective surgeries we no longer enable this kind of health hostage taking. She deals herself. I can't fix the mistakes she made so she will have to live with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you answer a couple questions to understand the situation better?
1. Do you have the money for the plane tickets easily or is it a major burden? ( for example, my BIL's 6k destination wedding cost almost put my DH's family in WW III, but to some families that cost is not prohibitive)
2. Is your wife's job in jeopardy? Is she not getting paid when she doesn't work and it's affecting finances? Are you able to use vacation days together or are all of her days taken up with family?
3. Do you have children that need time and care? How is she just jumping on a plane? (I could never just leave my 1 and 4 year old without some planning and major assistance with childcare)
5. Does she see this as a problem at all?

I am op. We have the money for the tickets. I think more of the issue is that if she didn't, she would charge it- it's like saying no is unfathomable.
She is salaried. But has major responsibility at a small company. Ie she is a one woman department. Boss is cracking down on previously liberal leave policy and I worry that she is pushing it,
No kids yet, but headed there soon.
She doesn't see it as a problem. Neither do sibs. In fact, sibs give her a hard time for not being there MORE. We get a lot of guilt for taking vacations- sibs always bring up "we were dealing with dad when you were off in xxx."
Fil going to appts alone is NOT an option, according to father in law and sibs. Sorry for analog, but it's like he has ptsd from previous serious health issues and cannot face anything on his own, or with a full time health aide (my ad nauseum suggestion)

[Anonymous]

Oh boy, you are planning to add kids to this soon!
That is when this is all going to come to a head, just wait it out, honestly. When she is pregnant and has a newborn there will be a huge shift in what she can do/wants to do.
Right now you are double income/no kids, which is very relevant. She CAN just hop on a plane, she CAN just charge plane tickets, etc.
I would phrase any conversations you have about this in the broader context of having children together and what yoir expenses (college fund or plane ticket to see dad?) time (pay nanny for overtime for 3 day trip? You leave work early to do daycare pick up? Family vacation or use up days to see dad?)

[Anonymous]

Responding to 19:08, OP, it sounds like a really serious situation that you need to address before you have kids. It is clear that you are the only one who thinks this is a problem, and from what you said, it's really not a problem....yet.
The liberal leave policy is being toned down, but no reprimands yet.
The money is not an issue yet.
The time away on short notice is not a problem yet.
(Besides your sense of foreboding and worry about what wi happen if this continues, which is totally justified)
I think you need to address in the context of "the future" and in planning for children. Otherwise it is a lot of "what ifs" tjwt can be blown off.
I hate to say this, I really and truly do, but having children with a woman in this type of situation is going to be really really hard, exponentially harder, and I would want a serious discussion and agreement before I put myself or my children into the mix

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Responding to 19:08, OP, it sounds like a really serious situation that you need to address before you have kids. It is clear that you are the only one who thinks this is a problem, and from what you said, it's really not a problem....yet.
The liberal leave policy is being toned down, but no reprimands yet.
The money is not an issue yet.
The time away on short notice is not a problem yet.
(Besides your sense of foreboding and worry about what wi happen if this continues, which is totally justified)
I think you need to address in the context of "the future" and in planning for children. Otherwise it is a lot of "what ifs" tjwt can be blown off.
I hate to say this, I really and truly do, but having children with a woman in this type of situation is going to be really really hard, exponentially harder, and I would want a serious discussion and agreement before I put myself or my children into the mix

One could argue if the genders were reversed, it would be harder. I would be livid if I were home pregnant or taking care of a child and my husband was using family time and money to sleep in a hospital room with his out of state parent in a non life threatening situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The divorce forces the children into a caregiving role that would otherwise be undertaken by a spouse. At least that's what my parents' divorce has done for me.

Even in a miserable marriage, there's someone to cal 911 if you fall down.

My DH husband parents have been divorced a long time. Right now his mom is really ill and all the burden has been placed on her all kids. She milks it too. My parents have been married over fifty years and live in a wonderful 65 an older community. The difference is like night and day. I feel sorry for my spouse. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Ohhh you don't have kids. I see priorities shifting for your wife very soon. Just start dropping hints now about how hard this will be when you have kids and how it would be best to address it now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The divorce forces the children into a caregiving role that would otherwise be undertaken by a spouse. At least that's what my parents' divorce has done for me.

Even in a miserable marriage, there's someone to cal 911 if you fall down.

My DH husband parents have been divorced a long time. Right now his mom is really ill and all the burden has been placed on her all kids. She milks it too. My parents have been married over fifty years and live in a wonderful 65 an older community. The difference is like night and day. I feel sorry for my spouse. It sucks.

Op here: how do you manage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The divorce forces the children into a caregiving role that would otherwise be undertaken by a spouse. At least that's what my parents' divorce has done for me.

Even in a miserable marriage, there's someone to cal 911 if you fall down.

My DH husband parents have been divorced a long time. Right now his mom is really ill and all the burden has been placed on her all kids. She milks it too. My parents have been married over fifty years and live in a wonderful 65 an older community. The difference is like night and day. I feel sorry for my spouse. It sucks.

Op here: how do you manage?

I really have no control over the situation. We have a good income and we help pay for nursing care. Some siblings help out more than others. I learned to keep my mouth shut. It is stressful on our marriage and sad to say but I hope my MIL does not live much longer. It is such a shame since my parents have always saved money. It is hard not to be resentful. I did start therapy on my own just so I could vent to someone outside my circle.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling would help op. Would your dw consider it? This is such an emotional subject and is like navigating a mine field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The divorce forces the children into a caregiving role that would otherwise be undertaken by a spouse. At least that's what my parents' divorce has done for me.

Even in a miserable marriage, there's someone to cal 911 if you fall down.

My DH husband parents have been divorced a long time. Right now his mom is really ill and all the burden has been placed on her all kids. She milks it too. My parents have been married over fifty years and live in a wonderful 65 an older community. The difference is like night and day. I feel sorry for my spouse. It sucks.

in this exact situation, except my parents are still able to live independently in their home. even though mil is the one who filed 25+yrs ago, she is still "the victim." you must tread lightly...it is VERY DIFFICULT to say anything critical of her or the way her health matters are handled because "she is alone."

my view---well, she chose to end the marriage. it's unreasonable to expect your children to shoulder 100% of the burden. it's unreasonable and unfair. what is more frustrating is that she has PLENTY of money to afford help but will not "because that's what my children are for."

[Anonymous]

My parents are divorced and my mom is very needy. Our solution was to move her closer to us and attend Dr.'s visit whether in person or via conference call/Skype. That way, we are hearing exactly what is being said. My mom's neediness is more based on her memory issues (very, very early stages on dementia). My MIL is also alone and we have caught her exaggerating about her health issues. We all take the position that if she has a real issue, we will have concrete evidence. All of these solutions were worked out between DH and I and our siblings and their spouses. Someone in the family needs to get grounded and help shape a long term care plan that works for everyone. OP - your wife needs therapy for anxiety and counseling with a person who can help her plan for her father's care. There are non profits that serve that mission and will consult people on the best options given all factors - money, lifestyle and health included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are divorced and my mom is very needy. Our solution was to move her closer to us and attend Dr.'s visit whether in person or via conference call/Skype. That way, we are hearing exactly what is being said. My mom's neediness is more based on her memory issues (very, very early stages on dementia). My MIL is also alone and we have caught her exaggerating about her health issues. We all take the position that if she has a real issue, we will have concrete evidence. All of these solutions were worked out between DH and I and our siblings and their spouses. Someone in the family needs to get grounded and help shape a long term care plan that works for everyone. OP - your wife needs therapy for anxiety and counseling with a person who can help her plan for her father's care. There are non profits that serve that mission and will consult people on the best options given all factors - money, lifestyle and health included.