Looking for advice re: in laws, dw, boundaries, my role
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Anonymous
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OP I can relate to a point. My wife's family is like this. What it came down to for us was that I couldn't control the situation, but I had limits of what I could tolerate, which was that it could not put our family in jeopardy. So losing her job was not an option - she could not take so much time off that this was a risk. Plus there was a spending limit on the travel and the rest of us got a similar sum of money to spend as we choose. Finally, the rest of us were not going to stop our lives so she could indulge the dysfunction of her family. So, even though she had no leave or money to vacation, the kids and I took great trips.
Over time things changed. My wife got annoyed at missing out on things with her (our) kids so she could sit at the bedside of a mom who really didn't need it. My SIL, who didn't work while her kids were at home and lived close by my MIL, finally had lots of free time because her kids were grown and she wanted to leave the area. And, at some point, though this was recent, my MIL developed a relationship with a male friend with whom she takes turns sitting bedside. My wife (and SIL) still goes when there are real issues and I support this. But I am really glad that we moved beyond the crazy dysfunction of our early years of marriage. We are all much happier. My wife was guilted for awhile but that's gone now too. |
Anonymous
Curious, what do those clearer boundaries look like now? |
Anonymous
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I this this is really tough. But, OP, you can't micromanage her job, or project your anxieties onto her work. Maybe she has the leave? Maybe her job is flexible? You seem to have anxiety over this that doesn't seem to be helping.
I think your best scenario would be: 1) your wife enters therapy and decides this family dysfunction isn't working for her 2) your wife works with her siblings to develop a new family dynamic. I think the bigger issue here is the resentment in the siblings. Even if your wife decides to draw boundaries, the siblings will still be stuck in it. Your wife needs to find and build allies amongst siblings so this stuff with their dad is managed much, much better. Maybe he moves closer to one sibling, and the res of the siblings contribute financially. Something has to give. For the sake of your marriage, you have to tread carefully here. |
Anonymous
| i wonder if ppl would be responding as kindly if op were a woman talking about her husband's dysfunctional family. i bet there would be a lot more cries of, "why do so many women think that getting married means dh will be cutting off ties with his parents, especially his mother?!" just an observation. |
Anonymous
| Agree with pp who suggested siblings get together and make some minimum standards of what they will support. Then get with dad and explain, offering him the alternative of him moving to be within driving distance of one of the sibs. For reference OP, my husband gives me a pretty hard time if I ever prioritize my birth family over *our* family. You are within your bounds to request dw to set boundaries. |
Anonymous
Problems with this approach though are that it will be difficult to get siblings on board, just as it sounds difficult to get dw on board. They are all clearly codependent and dysfunctional. Furthermore, if the siblings are fighting over whose turn it is to manage the load, how on earth will they ever agree on the lucky one who gets dad moved up close by? |
Anonymous
| i've experienced something similar by way of my husband and his divorced parents. trust me, this aint easy. you will look like nothing but the bad guy when you suggest scaling back on an old, lonely, sickly parent with no spouse or partner. it's a trap. |
Anonymous
Uh...this is a not a ramification of divorce, it is a ramification of untreated and exacerbated generational anxiety. My parents are divorced but neither one of them was a hypochondriac -- geezzzz. |
Anonymous
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The divorce forces the children into a caregiving role that would otherwise be undertaken by a spouse. At least that's what my parents' divorce has done for me.
Even in a miserable marriage, there's someone to cal 911 if you fall down. |
Anonymous
 One might hope so...
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Anonymous
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I think you need some marital counseling, OP. Of course your DW needs counseling to deal with her anxiety and codependence, but it sounds like she is not willing to acknowledge that her behavior is maladaptive and is hurting your family.
Her father is unreasonable. Her responses to her father are unreasonable for your family. If she is not willing to look at her own issues, at the very least it is reasonable for you to say, "Prioritizing your father over our family is really hurting our relationship and I need to find a way to talk to you productively about it. Can we try counseling together?" You can't fix your wife's family, but you get to have a say in your own. |
Anonymous
It certainly is. You are now leaning on your kids as primary support. |
Anonymous
| W/ some jobs your spouse or spouse's sibs wouldn't be able to just jump on a plane and fly there, let alone the cost this adds to each sibs. I think you need to have a serious conversation w/ your spouse about your concerns of her possibily losing her job and that not every Dr. visit or hospital stay is life threatening that she or sibs need to be there. If your FIL doesn't like it, oh well, your spouse needs to think of you/your immediate family first. |
Anonymous
| Why is a full time aide not an option? That way someone is physically present with father for appts (why is he so dependent on having family there?) |
Anonymous
Don't know which came first, chicken or egg, but sounds like your wife and sibs all have anxiety too. I see a very sick cycle here where they are all codependent |