Ex hubby's girlfriend moved in and didn't tell me

[Anonymous]

You were given advice at 16:04.

[Anonymous]

OP, your title indicates you are more upset about the girlfriend moving in than your ex telling your daughter to lie.

He needs to grow up and not tell his daughter to lie.

[Anonymous]

Yep waste of time. Dcum. Your right. I should give full custody to her dad. My daughter reaction and life be damned

[Anonymous]

It's messed up that he asked her to lie. It is not messed up that you haven't met her. You get no say in who he dates or who lives in his house. This is a reason that some wives stay married to their jerk husbands. You have limited say in how she spends half her time.

Also, your daughter is 7. There is really no need to add the "and a half". Everytime you had the 1/2 in your replies you come off as more and more crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a great relationship with your ex, why would he tell you? It isn't your business. Unless your custody agreement forbids it (I doubt it), I don't understand what the issue is.

Oh yes, it most definitely IS her business, since it affects her child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fuck all y'all. None of you get the bs. It affects my daughter by asking her to lie!

Classy!

Fully deserved. The fuck all y'all part, I mean.

People are telling OP that her daughter being asked to lie to her by HER FRIEKEN DAD is not a big deal or none of OP's business. A f-you is the least they can expect for being so asinine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it very strange that your ex-husband does not want you to have ANY contact w/his new girlfriend. Esp. considering that you share a child together and that you will both have to be in each others lives in order to co-parent her together effectively.

He probably doesn't want her to know all the terrible things he did to you which caused the divorce. That is the only thing I can think of. What a loser.

If I was the new GF, this would be a huge red flag for me. I would always wonder what my new man was trying to hide.

Sucks more for her.

This. I'd be running for the hills. If he can't man up for his child's sake, he's not someone I want to be with!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't like him seeing other women, then you shouldn't have divorced him.

You made your bed, now lie in it.

NP: so unhelpful. She's upset because her ex had her daughter lie, moron.

The issue wouldn't even arise if she hadn't gotten divorced, moron.

[Anonymous]

I'm the first pp. Asking a child to lie will damage the relationship between the person making the request and the child. It causes a lot of bad feelings and loyalty conflicts. He will pay the price for this bahavior one day.

As far as the gf moving in, it doesn't matter. The ex can choose a mate or spouse without notifying the coparent. If the ex is deemed fit to make reasonable decisions for his child, he has the right to exercise that right without input from the other coparent. This is how coparenting works. Those of us who've moved past feelings and put in the work of coparenting aren't very sympathetic to the freshly angry trying to exert control. You too will get there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a great relationship with your ex, why would he tell you? It isn't your business. Unless your custody agreement forbids it (I doubt it), I don't understand what the issue is.

Oh yes, it most definitely IS her business, since it affects her child!

But he is not legally obligated to tell her and it sounds like she has some issues herself so I can see why he didn't tell her. Unfortunately, anger often comes with divorce so maybe the OP should seek counseling. The OP is no longer in complete control and that is hard to deal with for some people. Her ex is not obligated to tell her who he lives with. Unless the new GF is a registered sex offender, he can have whoever he wants move in and there isn't anything the OP can do about it. She needs to calm down first and put her concerns in writing to the ex in a CALM manner. If she doesn't, he won't want to deal with her at all.

[Anonymous]

OP Back. Here is exactly what happened. I was writing on my phone and couldn't give the whole thing.

First off, yes my daughter is 7 1/2. She's closer to 8 than 7 and frankly acts older than that to me, so maybe I put 1/2 to remind myself that she's not a teenager. Who cares, really. Plus, when she's asked her age she always says "I'm 7 1/2" so its a big deal to her.

Anyway - the ex and I live in the same neighborhood. I was at the grocery store across the street from my apt with my daughter getting food. I saw my ex but didn't want to say hi. I waited to see if he saw me. Not sure if he did but he jetted out so I'm assuming he did.

We get home and I see my ex call my phone. So I told my duaghter that her Dad wanted to talk to her and called him. So she talked to him and made excuses to go to her room and I heard her say my name. She NEVER does this so I was qued up when she was done. I said, honey, what's going on?

She said "Mom, I dont'want you to be mad. But I saw Dad's girlfriend M at the grocery store. I wanted to say hi but I thought you would be mad so I didn't". I said "Oh honey, next time, say hi. I'm not mad. In fact I've been wanting to get to know her anyways". She says - oh ok, then I will tell her that you want to meet her. I said - don't worry about it. I'll ask again. It's ok.

Then she tells me that M has been around a lot lately and then shared that she moved in. Sometime in January. And it was her Dad's idea. And Dad asked her if she talks to me about M.

So I said, Wow, Ok, your Dad should've told me that. Are you ok with it?.. She said yes, but you are still my mommy! M is not! I said, of course I am. No one will ever change that!.

Then she tells me that he Dad still loves me. And that I probably don't love him. I had to explain to her that he can say that, but if you love a person you don't lie to them and frankly that piece of info should come from him, not her.

So, she's been harboring this secret for 2 months now and in the past 3 weeks she's been acting odd, and I had no idea why. Literally telling me she loves me 30 times a day, tells me she worries about me, that she wants to take care of me. She just kept saying "I love you" and actually said, "Mom, maybe there's something wrong with me, why do I keep saying that??"

Thankfully she had a sleepover last night so I could process this BS behavior. I really don't care that M is living there. But I need to have contact with her especially if he's out of town and she's taking care of my daughter. Yep - that happened before, M took care of my daughter for 2 days straight (he went to Vegas) and I had no idea. I only figured it out when my daughter called me 5 times from his house phone. M is not next of kin, she has zero authority if an emergency happens and bonus has no way to get in touch with me if something did happen. It's a safety thing in my eyes.

I only met her for 15 mins last June. She seemed like a reasonable person. But he refuses for me to have any contact with her at all. I just want to know whos hanging around my daughter and now that she's moved in, its more imperative than ever.

There is no need for more hiding, it is what it is. But the fact that he doesn't have the balls to tell me these things and my daughter sits around harboring a secret for 2 months is nuts!

When my daughter first met her Jan of 2014, he out and out asked her not to tell me. WTF? And guess what, once I got her within 5 minutes she told me.

I again, yesterday, told her that she can tell me anything and I'm not going to be mad. But we need to be able to talk and no, I'm not mad that she told me. I'm simply upset with her Dad for pulling that stupid bs at the expense of my kid.

Funny enough, we have to do a VIP day in her class in 2 weeks. A 40 minute presentation, one in which at PT conference her Dad didn't have a clue about and also said, eh, its no big deal. Are you kidding me? She's sat in class all year watching the other parents come in and talk about their kid etc etc. So she's expecting something great.

It's been pulling teeth to get him to participate and now he's into it, for the moment. But there's a lot that needs to happen, which requires communication and we just don't communicate. We don't. It's incredible difficult to co parent with him. But in his eyes, I don't exist when she's with him. But I've told my daughter that no matter where she is I will always be her mom. That seemed to make things better for the moment.

Happy Sunday yall. That is the real deal. Fire away with your comments. This post really was just a venting post. But feel free to judge all you want. The above is the BS I deal with.

[Anonymous]

What is a VIP day?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in the healthy, functional version of your situation. My ex told me when his relationship became serious enough to introduce GF to DD. Not asking for permission but letting me know because it was w big deal thing that affects DD's life. When she moved in, he also let me know that that was happening. I'm not interested in being friends with his lady, but we've met and are cordial with each other. She has my phone number and email in case there is an emergency (with DD when she's over there or with my ex himself). Maybe you could mention this proactively to your ex - "Just wanted to make sure M knows how to get in touch in case there's an emergency."

The posters flipping out on you are completely nuts. I'm sure they require background checks and references for an occasional babysitter but think your discomfort with your ex concealing a live in caregiver and asking a seven year old to lie is crazy. That should tell you a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is a VIP day?

Very Important Person Day.

Basically you go in with a presentation of pictures and stories of your kid (power point, slide shows etc), do an activity for the kids and then take you kid off campus for lunch. After proding him asking if he was going to participate or not, I got a text, "Of course I will".

We had settled on the power point stuff to use her website so I sent him a bunch of pictures to upload on Friday but have no idea if he did this yet. And after yesterday, I just don't feel like dealing with him

[Anonymous]

OP - Why didn't you address the live in girlfriend issue during your divorce?