Ex hubby's girlfriend moved in and didn't tell me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dcum trolls suck. Good luck OP. I feel for ya.

Good morning OP.

[Anonymous]

Lol, not OP. Sorry for them trolls OP

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm one of the people who has been supportive on this thread (and no, others, I'm not the OP - you can ask Jeff if you want to).

In your situation, the main issue is your daughter's mental health. When my ex's girlfriend moved in, it was a big deal for my daughter, and she's a couple years younger than yours. It changed their family dynamic. It changed the rules at his house. It changed some of the dynamics between him and me (mostly for the better because we now have more similar day to day lives, which I think provides consistency for DD). But there was also insecurity involved for her. I got a fair amount of effusive mommy-love as well. I got a lot of "I want to stay here with you, I don't want to see Daddy." The difference between my situation and yours is that I understood better where these things were coming, because my ex and I had discussed in advance what was going on. I was able to provide better support for my daughter (and in a roundabout way support for my ex as well) because I was able to talk to her about what was happening in her life.

It's natural to be curious about this person. I would strongly encourage you NOT to ask your daughter about her. Do not, do not, do not make this little girl the go between. You can insist, with your ex, on some basic ground rules: right of first refusal or at the very least notification if he goes out of town during his parenting time and agreement that everyone will be notified in the event of an emergency. It isn't reasonable to ask for more than that. If this relationship is permanent and this woman becomes your daughter's stepmother, you and your ex will need to have a conversation about your daughter's events. VIP day, for example, sounds like something that parents would want to participate in. I know that my ex and my husband would both want to participate in something like that at DD's school. When I got remarried, we had a conversation about how that would work. It was kind of weird the first time we all showed up to one of her dance events in a gaggle, but it's gotten less weird as time goes on.

Above all, you need to chill out a little bit. Don't worry about the wedding dress. Take it from your ex and donate it if it's in good condition. Or burn it. Or whatever you want. Your job right now is to reduce conflict and going back and forth about trivialities like this is not a reduction in conflict. Stop getting fired up by people on the internet calling you names. If you're crazy, you probably already know that. If you're not crazy, there is literally no amount of explaining you can do here that will convince people of that. The more you try to explain, the crazier you come off. I personally don't think you're nuts at all or even that your responses on this thread have been unreasonable. I get it, because to an extent, I've been there.

For future reference, the Special Concerns board is a lot more understanding of issues related to coparenting after divorce. The Relationship board is mostly bitter people sniping at each other given even the slightest opportunity. Your thread is an antelope wandering into a pride of lions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why exactly do you need to have contact with her? You sound a bit irrational about this all. Look at agreement, I can't imagine you didn't cover this but if you didn't then you fucked up. Not him.

I am a SM and you sound dumb as hell. If I am around your child, live with your child (even if only part time), then you should know who the hell I am. If my DH did not want to tell his exwife about me, I would have found it irresponsible and suspicious. I don't care how drama filled she may be, that does not preclude us doing the right thing, it only affects HOW we do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm one of the people who has been supportive on this thread (and no, others, I'm not the OP - you can ask Jeff if you want to).

In your situation, the main issue is your daughter's mental health. When my ex's girlfriend moved in, it was a big deal for my daughter, and she's a couple years younger than yours. It changed their family dynamic. It changed the rules at his house. It changed some of the dynamics between him and me (mostly for the better because we now have more similar day to day lives, which I think provides consistency for DD). But there was also insecurity involved for her. I got a fair amount of effusive mommy-love as well. I got a lot of "I want to stay here with you, I don't want to see Daddy." The difference between my situation and yours is that I understood better where these things were coming, because my ex and I had discussed in advance what was going on. I was able to provide better support for my daughter (and in a roundabout way support for my ex as well) because I was able to talk to her about what was happening in her life.

It's natural to be curious about this person. I would strongly encourage you NOT to ask your daughter about her. Do not, do not, do not make this little girl the go between. You can insist, with your ex, on some basic ground rules: right of first refusal or at the very least notification if he goes out of town during his parenting time and agreement that everyone will be notified in the event of an emergency. It isn't reasonable to ask for more than that. If this relationship is permanent and this woman becomes your daughter's stepmother, you and your ex will need to have a conversation about your daughter's events. VIP day, for example, sounds like something that parents would want to participate in. I know that my ex and my husband would both want to participate in something like that at DD's school. When I got remarried, we had a conversation about how that would work. It was kind of weird the first time we all showed up to one of her dance events in a gaggle, but it's gotten less weird as time goes on.

Above all, you need to chill out a little bit. Don't worry about the wedding dress. Take it from your ex and donate it if it's in good condition. Or burn it. Or whatever you want. Your job right now is to reduce conflict and going back and forth about trivialities like this is not a reduction in conflict. Stop getting fired up by people on the internet calling you names. If you're crazy, you probably already know that. If you're not crazy, there is literally no amount of explaining you can do here that will convince people of that. The more you try to explain, the crazier you come off. I personally don't think you're nuts at all or even that your responses on this thread have been unreasonable. I get it, because to an extent, I've been there.

For future reference, the Special Concerns board is a lot more understanding of issues related to coparenting after divorce. The Relationship board is mostly bitter people sniping at each other given even the slightest opportunity. Your thread is an antelope wandering into a pride of lions.

I am one of those who has been less than supportive of the OP and even critical of her but your advice is spot-on. I agree completely with the substance of what you said.

I do disagree with you about OP's state of mind and motivations based on her postings and the tone of the postings - but that is neither here nor there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why exactly do you need to have contact with her? You sound a bit irrational about this all. Look at agreement, I can't imagine you didn't cover this but if you didn't then you fucked up. Not him.

I am a SM and you sound dumb as hell. If I am around your child, live with your child (even if only part time), then you should know who the hell I am. If my DH did not want to tell his exwife about me, I would have found it irresponsible and suspicious. I don't care how drama filled she may be, that does not preclude us doing the right thing, it only affects HOW we do the right thing.

In which case OP needs to got to court and obtain the concurrence of the courts on how these things should be handled. It is abundantly clear that her relationship with her ex is so poisoned that they cannot have a productive discussion about issues relating to their daughter's interaction with any one he is seeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm one of the people who has been supportive on this thread (and no, others, I'm not the OP - you can ask Jeff if you want to).

In your situation, the main issue is your daughter's mental health. When my ex's girlfriend moved in, it was a big deal for my daughter, and she's a couple years younger than yours. It changed their family dynamic. It changed the rules at his house. It changed some of the dynamics between him and me (mostly for the better because we now have more similar day to day lives, which I think provides consistency for DD). But there was also insecurity involved for her. I got a fair amount of effusive mommy-love as well. I got a lot of "I want to stay here with you, I don't want to see Daddy." The difference between my situation and yours is that I understood better where these things were coming, because my ex and I had discussed in advance what was going on. I was able to provide better support for my daughter (and in a roundabout way support for my ex as well) because I was able to talk to her about what was happening in her life.

It's natural to be curious about this person. I would strongly encourage you NOT to ask your daughter about her. Do not, do not, do not make this little girl the go between. You can insist, with your ex, on some basic ground rules: right of first refusal or at the very least notification if he goes out of town during his parenting time and agreement that everyone will be notified in the event of an emergency. It isn't reasonable to ask for more than that. If this relationship is permanent and this woman becomes your daughter's stepmother, you and your ex will need to have a conversation about your daughter's events. VIP day, for example, sounds like something that parents would want to participate in. I know that my ex and my husband would both want to participate in something like that at DD's school. When I got remarried, we had a conversation about how that would work. It was kind of weird the first time we all showed up to one of her dance events in a gaggle, but it's gotten less weird as time goes on.

Above all, you need to chill out a little bit. Don't worry about the wedding dress. Take it from your ex and donate it if it's in good condition. Or burn it. Or whatever you want. Your job right now is to reduce conflict and going back and forth about trivialities like this is not a reduction in conflict. Stop getting fired up by people on the internet calling you names. If you're crazy, you probably already know that. If you're not crazy, there is literally no amount of explaining you can do here that will convince people of that. The more you try to explain, the crazier you come off. I personally don't think you're nuts at all or even that your responses on this thread have been unreasonable. I get it, because to an extent, I've been there.

For future reference, the Special Concerns board is a lot more understanding of issues related to coparenting after divorce. The Relationship board is mostly bitter people sniping at each other given even the slightest opportunity. Your thread is an antelope wandering into a pride of lions.

+1 million. Best advice on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm one of the people who has been supportive on this thread (and no, others, I'm not the OP - you can ask Jeff if you want to).

In your situation, the main issue is your daughter's mental health. When my ex's girlfriend moved in, it was a big deal for my daughter, and she's a couple years younger than yours. It changed their family dynamic. It changed the rules at his house. It changed some of the dynamics between him and me (mostly for the better because we now have more similar day to day lives, which I think provides consistency for DD). But there was also insecurity involved for her. I got a fair amount of effusive mommy-love as well. I got a lot of "I want to stay here with you, I don't want to see Daddy." The difference between my situation and yours is that I understood better where these things were coming, because my ex and I had discussed in advance what was going on. I was able to provide better support for my daughter (and in a roundabout way support for my ex as well) because I was able to talk to her about what was happening in her life.

It's natural to be curious about this person. I would strongly encourage you NOT to ask your daughter about her. Do not, do not, do not make this little girl the go between. You can insist, with your ex, on some basic ground rules: right of first refusal or at the very least notification if he goes out of town during his parenting time and agreement that everyone will be notified in the event of an emergency. It isn't reasonable to ask for more than that. If this relationship is permanent and this woman becomes your daughter's stepmother, you and your ex will need to have a conversation about your daughter's events. VIP day, for example, sounds like something that parents would want to participate in. I know that my ex and my husband would both want to participate in something like that at DD's school. When I got remarried, we had a conversation about how that would work. It was kind of weird the first time we all showed up to one of her dance events in a gaggle, but it's gotten less weird as time goes on.

Above all, you need to chill out a little bit. Don't worry about the wedding dress. Take it from your ex and donate it if it's in good condition. Or burn it. Or whatever you want. Your job right now is to reduce conflict and going back and forth about trivialities like this is not a reduction in conflict. Stop getting fired up by people on the internet calling you names. If you're crazy, you probably already know that. If you're not crazy, there is literally no amount of explaining you can do here that will convince people of that. The more you try to explain, the crazier you come off. I personally don't think you're nuts at all or even that your responses on this thread have been unreasonable. I get it, because to an extent, I've been there.

For future reference, the Special Concerns board is a lot more understanding of issues related to coparenting after divorce. The Relationship board is mostly bitter people sniping at each other given even the slightest opportunity. Your thread is an antelope wandering into a pride of lions.

+1 million. Best advice on this thread.

Thank you to both of you. Yep, keeping the focus on my kick-ass daughter, her schooling, her tutoring, her well-being. Currently she doesn't like to have her backpack with her on non-school days because to her it advertises that she has 2 homes. But I'll look for co-parenting advice on Special Concerns going forward.