My husband's ex has been bad-mouthing me to him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*Yes I snooped.
This was your first mistake.

**But I can't bring myself to continue to pitch in and be a team player when ultimately the person who benefits is an asshole.

**Wrong. The kids benefit. Your husband benefits. You benefit. Remember, she's an ex for a reason and those are obviously sour grapes. Rise above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm new to this site, but was really happy to find a place I can vent and maybe get some advice.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 5. I have two step-kids (high schoolers). We share custody. His ex lives in the same neighborhood and we seemed to be functioning all right as a blended family.

I've really tried hard to fit in, help out and not take anything too personally or too seriously. Recently I found out (my husband and I share a desktop computer) that in a few emails between him and his ex, she has said some really harsh things about me. Yes I snooped.

I'm not so much concerned about my husband buying into what she's saying (she's his ex for a reason), but I am having a hard time stomaching his ex having any role in my life. She expects me to pitch in and do carpools and stuff - part of me really wants to give her the finger and let her take care of her own shit and be responsible for her kids. The rational part of me knows it would affect the kids. But I can't bring myself to continue to pitch in and be a team player when ultimately the person who benefits is an asshole.

I'm non-confrontational to a fault, so talking to her about it is not going to happen. My instinct is just to get over it and hold my nose around her (figuratively) since they'll be away and in college in the next 3 years. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

Srsly? She will have a role in your life. That's what happens when you marry a man with kids. Get used to it. You will, if you're lucky, be grandparenting the same grandkids.

I understand your reaction. I'm venting and haven't done a great job at explaining things.
I grew up in an incredibly chaotic, dysfunctional and abusive home. I guess what I meant about having a hard time stomaching her in my life is that I've tried my best to find peace and avoid chaos. She seems to thrive on chaos and drama and I don't say that lightly. She's always fighting with one kid or the other. Frequently she kicks one or the other out of the house for a few weeks or a month. I can honestly say I wasn't aware of how chaotic things could be with her. I'm never the recipient of the drama, I'm just off to the side. I've tried to ease some of her stress directly or indirectly by bein cool with her and her kids. So when I realized that she was creating drama around me (or attempting to) it just really hit a raw nerve.

My step kids aren't easy kids. I always give them the benefit of the doubt.
Always. I've never once yelled or fought with either one.

I understand that they benefit from me being peaceful and I guess ultimately the adults who have weighed in about their experiences growing up with step parents have convinced me that I should just take the high road.

But it still sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you can be the kind of stepmom who pitches in, covers for others, etc., and have that kind of relationship with the kids. Or you can be the kind who doesn't, and that's a different type of relationship with the kids. I totally understand how people would want the second kind-- no judgment from me! But understand that it really is different. So if you want a close relationship with the kids, choose the first because that's what you want for yourself-- not because you're trying to keep anyone else happy.

I read STEPMONSTER and it is not a natural corollary that being the one who pitches in translates to a close or happy step-family.

OP sounds grounded, sensible, and well-disposed to make this situation a success. I think she needs to put XW and her comments out of the picture and out of her mind. She needs to ask herself what works for her and what works for her new family (husband and his kids.) She then needs to behave and communicate accordingly.

I think it's very dangerous thinking--and it's evidenced in the OP's first post--that being nice and a team player translates into a happy new family. STEPMONSTER pretty much explains how and why this is absolutely not a guarantee and can really damage the chances of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would reply to her email. "Hey Larla! Jill here. Bill and I often share this account.... thanks for letting us know about the carpool plans! Best, New Wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I would reply to her email. "Hey Larla! Jill here. Bill and I often share this account.... thanks for letting us know about the carpool plans! Best, New Wife

+1

That's absolutely what OP should do!

[Anonymous]

OP,

Devil's advocate here. She said you were vain and immature. And this came out of the blue? In the middle of an email about what, homework, spring break plans? Surely, there has to be more context. What's your relationship with the boys like? As for the logistics of pitching in and doing things when it was her time, that was your idea, correct?

[Anonymous]

OP didn't say she shared emails. She said she shared the computer. She admits she snooped. So that email idea doesn't work. Her husband doesn't know she saw the email(s).

[Anonymous]

re pitching in and helping the ex-wife -- why are you doing this? This is the husband's responsibility. They are his kids, and if it were me, it would bug me to no end that my ex's new wife was picking up his parenting slack. Our kids need HIM to participate in their lives, not his new wife.

My kids noticed that their Dad never once sought to drive carpool or have them over when he was single.

I think the new girlfriend is naive and immature because she is falling for this. She thinks she is being a great stepmom by doing these things for him, when she can't see that she would actually be doing the kids a favor if she insisted that their Dad do them himself. She thinks she is creating a happy family for them, but really, she is just continuing to create the structure for their Dad not to parent. They notice, and it doesn't endear her to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you can be the kind of stepmom who pitches in, covers for others, etc., and have that kind of relationship with the kids. Or you can be the kind who doesn't, and that's a different type of relationship with the kids. I totally understand how people would want the second kind-- no judgment from me! But understand that it really is different. So if you want a close relationship with the kids, choose the first because that's what you want for yourself-- not because you're trying to keep anyone else happy.

This is the hard part about being a stepmom: you can give 125% to have the kind of relationship with the kids that a fraction of that effort would earn a parent. And still get nothing but a could shoulder or worse from the kids. I met my DH years after his ex left him, waited 4 years to marry him so his daughter would be his focus until he graduated, and have gone out of my way to be extraordinarily kind and welcoming to his ex, for whom he does a huge amount of favors. To his daughter I have been supportive, kind, attentive, and respectful of her need for time with her dad. And I have gotten nothing but nastiness from the ex and chilly politeness from my stepdaughter coupled with insults and bitching over social media (that she keeps public) and Nast comments at our wedding. I have gone above and beyond and still get a shit sandwich. There is no relationship at all between effort and reward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:re pitching in and helping the ex-wife -- why are you doing this? This is the husband's responsibility. They are his kids, and if it were me, it would bug me to no end that my ex's new wife was picking up his parenting slack. Our kids need HIM to participate in their lives, not his new wife.

My kids noticed that their Dad never once sought to drive carpool or have them over when he was single.

I think the new girlfriend is naive and immature because she is falling for this. She thinks she is being a great stepmom by doing these things for him, when she can't see that she would actually be doing the kids a favor if she insisted that their Dad do them himself. She thinks she is creating a happy family for them, but really, she is just continuing to create the structure for their Dad not to parent. They notice, and it doesn't endear her to them.

Try reading. OP is not picking up her husband's slack. The ex is asking (or expecting) the new wide to pick up her own slack. He is taking care of his responsibility; it's the mom dropping the ball and then being nasty and bitter that the OP has priorities other than taking care of the ex's responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is the hard part about being a stepmom: you can give 125% to have the kind of relationship with the kids that a fraction of that effort would earn a parent. And still get nothing but a could shoulder or worse from the kids. I met my DH years after his ex left him, waited 4 years to marry him so his daughter would be his focus until he graduated, and have gone out of my way to be extraordinarily kind and welcoming to his ex, for whom he does a huge amount of favors. To his daughter I have been supportive, kind, attentive, and respectful of her need for time with her dad. And I have gotten nothing but nastiness from the ex and chilly politeness from my stepdaughter coupled with insults and bitching over social media (that she keeps public) and Nast comments at our wedding. I have gone above and beyond and still get a shit sandwich. There is no relationship at all between effort and reward.

Some kids just don't want a step-parent relationship, and that's that. It's like trying to date someone who doesn't want a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you can be the kind of stepmom who pitches in, covers for others, etc., and have that kind of relationship with the kids. Or you can be the kind who doesn't, and that's a different type of relationship with the kids. I totally understand how people would want the second kind-- no judgment from me! But understand that it really is different. So if you want a close relationship with the kids, choose the first because that's what you want for yourself-- not because you're trying to keep anyone else happy.

This is the hard part about being a stepmom: you can give 125% to have the kind of relationship with the kids that a fraction of that effort would earn a parent. And still get nothing but a could shoulder or worse from the kids. I met my DH years after his ex left him, waited 4 years to marry him so his daughter would be his focus until he graduated, and have gone out of my way to be extraordinarily kind and welcoming to his ex, for whom he does a huge amount of favors. To his daughter I have been supportive, kind, attentive, and respectful of her need for time with her dad. And I have gotten nothing but nastiness from the ex and chilly politeness from my stepdaughter coupled with insults and bitching over social media (that she keeps public) and Nast comments at our wedding. I have gone above and beyond and still get a shit sandwich. There is no relationship at all between effort and reward.

Probably shouldn't have married him. You basically signed up for a lifetime of bad treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:re pitching in and helping the ex-wife -- why are you doing this? This is the husband's responsibility. They are his kids, and if it were me, it would bug me to no end that my ex's new wife was picking up his parenting slack. Our kids need HIM to participate in their lives, not his new wife.

My kids noticed that their Dad never once sought to drive carpool or have them over when he was single.

I think the new girlfriend is naive and immature because she is falling for this. She thinks she is being a great stepmom by doing these things for him, when she can't see that she would actually be doing the kids a favor if she insisted that their Dad do them himself. She thinks she is creating a happy family for them, but really, she is just continuing to create the structure for their Dad not to parent. They notice, and it doesn't endear her to them.

Try reading. OP is not picking up her husband's slack. The ex is asking (or expecting) the new wide to pick up her own slack. He is taking care of his responsibility; it's the mom dropping the ball and then being nasty and bitter that the OP has priorities other than taking care of the ex's responsibilities.

I did read. OP said specifically that she was snooping because her husband isn't great about communicating "schedules and details. It's just who he is...." so she snooped on his computer to find out these important administrative aspects of family life.

Ex-wife is probably asking OP because ex-wife knows that exDH doesn't participate in the administrative rearing of their kids. That has been the pattern of his entire life and was probably a contributing factor in their divorce. OP seems to know this in a subconscious way but is not acknowledging the role it plays in her current situation.

In a normal relationship, when one parent can't be present for a certain event or to meet a need of the child, then the other parent steps up. When parents get divorced, both bio parents still have an obligation to cooperate. So, if bio mom has custody of DC on a certain day but can't get out of work early to drive DC to his soccer game, then it is normal to turn to bio Dad.

The dynamic often exists in divorced families that bio Dad does not pickup these responsibilities but instead hands them off to new wife. Then new wife gets mad because she sees herself as "serving" bio Mom, and it's even worse if new wife feels like she isn't getting any credit for it. Bio Mom is irritated because she knows that reason new wife is in the position is because bio Dad isn't fulfilling his part of the responsibilities and is instead shifting them to new wife.

New wife is mad because she feels like she didn't sign up to do all this work for someone else's child. She also feels like she isn't getting credit for what she sees as "extra" work. Bio Dad isn't giving new wife any credit for doing this, because really he just expects it. This is what the women in his life do. It's sexist, but as OP accepts, "it's just the way he is." Bio Dad also finds it easier to blame ex-wife -- that way his new wife won't be mad at him. It's a way of bonding his new wife more tightly to him by having a common enemy. Also childless new wife doesn't understand that in life you don't really get "credit" for parenting tasks. If you're lucky, 30 years from now someone might thank you, but in the meanwhile, they are thankless tasks.

Ex-wife is frustrated because she can see that new wife is naively falling for all this. And that new wife is immature in the sense that she doesn't feel like any of this is her responsibility, when really the whole situation has evolved because new wife jumpted into marriage without having clear and realistic expectations about what her obligations with respect to the step-child are and because she failed to see that the bioDad's failure to meet the non-financial aspects of child-rearing was probably a contributing factor to the dissolution of the previous marriage and would also affect the new marriage. Bio Dad's probably used the kids to demonstrate that he was a loving dad so must be a great marriage material to his soon to be new wife, and new wife fell for it without asking a lot of questions about how life would work with step-children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:re pitching in and helping the ex-wife -- why are you doing this? This is the husband's responsibility. They are his kids, and if it were me, it would bug me to no end that my ex's new wife was picking up his parenting slack. Our kids need HIM to participate in their lives, not his new wife.

My kids noticed that their Dad never once sought to drive carpool or have them over when he was single.

I think the new girlfriend is naive and immature because she is falling for this. She thinks she is being a great stepmom by doing these things for him, when she can't see that she would actually be doing the kids a favor if she insisted that their Dad do them himself. She thinks she is creating a happy family for them, but really, she is just continuing to create the structure for their Dad not to parent. They notice, and it doesn't endear her to them.

Try reading. OP is not picking up her husband's slack. The ex is asking (or expecting) the new wide to pick up her own slack. He is taking care of his responsibility; it's the mom dropping the ball and then being nasty and bitter that the OP has priorities other than taking care of the ex's responsibilities.

I did read. OP said specifically that she was snooping because her husband isn't great about communicating "schedules and details. It's just who he is...." so she snooped on his computer to find out these important administrative aspects of family life.

Ex-wife is probably asking OP because ex-wife knows that exDH doesn't participate in the administrative rearing of their kids. That has been the pattern of his entire life and was probably a contributing factor in their divorce. OP seems to know this in a subconscious way but is not acknowledging the role it plays in her current situation.

In a normal relationship, when one parent can't be present for a certain event or to meet a need of the child, then the other parent steps up. When parents get divorced, both bio parents still have an obligation to cooperate. So, if bio mom has custody of DC on a certain day but can't get out of work early to drive DC to his soccer game, then it is normal to turn to bio Dad.

The dynamic often exists in divorced families that bio Dad does not pickup these responsibilities but instead hands them off to new wife. Then new wife gets mad because she sees herself as "serving" bio Mom, and it's even worse if new wife feels like she isn't getting any credit for it. Bio Mom is irritated because she knows that reason new wife is in the position is because bio Dad isn't fulfilling his part of the responsibilities and is instead shifting them to new wife.

New wife is mad because she feels like she didn't sign up to do all this work for someone else's child. She also feels like she isn't getting credit for what she sees as "extra" work. Bio Dad isn't giving new wife any credit for doing this, because really he just expects it. This is what the women in his life do. It's sexist, but as OP accepts, "it's just the way he is." Bio Dad also finds it easier to blame ex-wife -- that way his new wife won't be mad at him. It's a way of bonding his new wife more tightly to him by having a common enemy. Also childless new wife doesn't understand that in life you don't really get "credit" for parenting tasks. If you're lucky, 30 years from now someone might thank you, but in the meanwhile, they are thankless tasks.

Ex-wife is frustrated because she can see that new wife is naively falling for all this. And that new wife is immature in the sense that she doesn't feel like any of this is her responsibility, when really the whole situation has evolved because new wife jumpted into marriage without having clear and realistic expectations about what her obligations with respect to the step-child are and because she failed to see that the bioDad's failure to meet the non-financial aspects of child-rearing was probably a contributing factor to the dissolution of the previous marriage and would also affect the new marriage. Bio Dad's probably used the kids to demonstrate that he was a loving dad so must be a great marriage material to his soon to be new wife, and new wife fell for it without asking a lot of questions about how life would work with step-children.

Wow, you're projecting a LOT onto what OP said!

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm a stepmom. We actually ended up getting full custody of my stepkids when they were 4 and 7. She had every other weekend and four weeks during the summer but she rarely exercised her visitation time. She saw them a couple of times a year at most and always blamed me. There is absolutely nothing I could have done to have changed the way she felt (and still feels about me). Nothing. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I figured out pretty quickly that focusing on her reactions was a waste of time.

The best advise we ever got from our family therapist was to focus on the type of relationship with want with our kids when they are grown. Well, they are grown. They have almost no relationship at all with their biological mother. They see her once or twice a year at most. They are here just about every time they have a semester break in college. They consider this "home". They refer to me and DH as "my parents". They list me as "mom" on every college form.

She chose to remain angry and vindictive and she alienated her children in the process. We chose the high road (with a lot of help from our therapist and a lot of prayer) and ended up with very solid relationships with all of our children. Don't worry so much about what she says or does. Focus on your little family. Consider her nothing more than an mosquito - annoying, but mostly harmless.